it is hard to believe
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends

I am writing about my friends who have died in the past two years. I miss them horribly. First there is freddy.. I met freddy in the treatment center that I went to in cookeville tn. I liked him the first time that I met him. Freddy had some really awesome stories, he played for UT in 1953. He was very proud of that and bled orange.. When I needed help freddy didn't judge me and he tried to help in everyway that he could. He was like the father that I never had... he helped me and I opened up to him like a son would to a father. I miss him and believe me If you ever want to know about freddy, just ask I love talking bout him..  I've heard alot of his stories so I could and would be happy to tell them to anyone. I miss him so much and he has changed my life in so many different ways that couldn't begin to tell you.. Freddy if you can hear this, mike loves and misses every thing about you.. Now I want to talk about Sundie. I first met sundie when I was 16 she was my friends sister in law. we used to go over and smoke pot with her all the time. I thought that she was the coolest person on earth. they had their own place and were the only cool adults that I knew. I loved her and ben. I used to listen very intently to everything that she used to say because she sounded so smart and funny. plus I was stoned out of my head. anyway I wanted to grow up just like her and her husband.. it wasn't just the drugs it was the freedom that I admired.. when I moved back to chatt in 06 I had found out that she had died. I was saddened by this news.. she was one of the most unique people that I had ever met and my heart just sank.. Other that the fact that she was a die hard hippie I thought that you were cool as shit sundie. then there's phillip. I looked up to phillip. he was when I met him on house arrest and we would go over after the meeting on saturday night to play poker. I can't tell you how much fun it was. we all had a chance to get to know one another and fellowship. phillip was a ladies man!!!! he loved them and they loved him.. boy did they love him.. I remember phillip calling me one night, the most humble that I had ever heard his voice. and he was just wanting to ask about a step.. he opened up and I grew inside because of that one phone call.. thanx for your courage that night. I was sad to say that about 6 months ago I got a phone call that said that phillip had died.. fuck .....        I miss him and wish you were here bro!!!   last,, vz I had a strange relationship with vz. he had the best poker face in chatt.. I first met this guy camping, he was retartedly talented at playing guitar. I was imediatly jealous. this guy struggled more than anyone Ive ever met.. but no matter what he kept showing up.. I liked this guy. man you talk about wit.. this cat crazy ass jokes. I never expected him to pull out the shit that he did. man I always saw him laying low in the background, I always felt like he was more of a one on one type of guy, but his jokes would ring out across the room and shock even me!! thats saying alot. I still can't believe that he's gone.. man he was 21!!!!!! I just don't get it some times.. he was my friend and I'm a better person because of it.. if you could hear us matt we always had love for you and will never be the same without you..... RIP

11:02 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

How my life has changed since the married woman
Current mood: awake

Some of my friends know that in the summer of 2007, I started dating one of my old friends or I thought that she was my friend. I struggled through this relationship for nine months, well for about six months before She broke up with me to go back to her Husband that she said she didn't know. She slept with him and said that she felt she had to. I started calling her about a month later, guys I had been in love with this woman every since I met her!!!. I had to know that I still had a chance!!! I couldn't just let her go. I couldn't deal with life without her!!! I was crushed. I made contact with her and we talked things out. Not really ! I couldn't let her go again. I did every thing that I could but I had no control! I had her guaranty that she couldn't imagine her life without me! still wasn't enough . She refused to get a divorce. And I started fuckin wiggin out!! Man I lost it..... There is a little history about The relationship! But this blog is not about The relationship. It's about what has happened since then. I went and talked to a therapist and got some shit worked out. I started hanging out and taking a risk with people that have been ther to help me for along time.. What I've learned since then, was that I was fuckin around with a married woman. That's IT.... I had my part and I had felt guilt about that throughout the whole relationship.  I've forgiven myself for my part since then, but It was hard as hell. I've had to get completely honest woth myself and others.. I vowed that I would consintrate on myself and my children.. Man from then on I've found so much freedom.. I feel a presence that I haven't felt in a long time. Don't think that I went out and found GOD or some bullshit like that, but I have some peace inside that I know is a power greater than myself. I've fucked around and allowed room for drama but It's so hard to say no to beautiful women.. And what I found is that I have a potential to hurt not only myself but other people.. Because I haven't been able to allow any type of room in my life for anyone other than my friends, and everytime that I fuck around I feel like fuckin running away... I couldn't, nor am I capable of having a relationship.. This is not a reflection to anyone in particular, just my feelings.. I have made a decision to be good if that's what you want to call it. I feel better when I do. I don't get lost in that world of fantasy and complete selfserving behavior.... So I have stopped trying to make myself happy and started to be grateful for the things and people in my life that I've looked over in that quest to have my perfect mate. I will trust a power greater than myself to reveal that to me when I'm ready. I'm ok with learning about me. Until then I will enjoy my peace and freedom. 

7:44 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

warped tour
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Music

Warped tour,Probably the best time that I've had a concert ever. My friends Dustin, Asher, Erica, and Angie( don't forget yours truly) all piled up in a great big ass van and cruzed to the ATL. We got lost on the way, but finally found it. We get there and Dustin fuckin gets down to his red boxer briefs, with a red vans and a lepard print hat.(fuckin sexy as hell) the muther fucker was in every mosh pit that happened in his underwear.. People were stopping and taking pictures with him and Erica( because she was just wearing a thong and a top..) Asher had a big time.We watched Mike Valley skate and got to meet him.. That was fucking great. Asher even though he is confined to a wheelchair fuckin was a trooper and went in every pit that we went in and we even stuck him in a mosh pit and everyone moshed around him.. He is a true punk. Asher and I got to  go back stage with Pennywise. Then during Bro hymm( the song that they play at the end of every show) me and asher got to go out and finish the song off .. WITH FUCKIN PENNYWISE>>> thats fuckin amazing. In front of thousands. I had the time of my life.. Oh and Dustin got to film a commerial for Fuse tv. In his fuckin skivies he's crazy. I luv my friends and it will be a summer to remember..

7:31 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

give me a break FUCK!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: angry

I was begining to wonder if people ever read these things, but I found out they do because another friend is in trouble at his job due to some of the things that he wrote on Myspace blog.. next thing that you know people won't even be able to fuckin vent or journal in their own in their homes without getting fired or put under investigation at their work.. Here is a big middle finger to the people that have issues with people expressing thems selves. FUCK YOU>>> If I want to write something I'm going to...... that's it. what the fuck haappened to freedom of speech?????? give me a break..I'm fuckin pissed who's next?

11:41 PM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment