i’ve been thinking... (april 2008)
Current mood: anxious
Category: Writing and Poetry

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B.C._____________________________________________________

"I’ve been thinking..."

By Black Cloud

...about my love-hate relationship with ice, combined with my new fascination with agents that will obliterate the same. It all started innocently enough...emerging as a deep yearning to chew on ice, which I find to be helpful in soothing my proclivities for anxiety. My usual coping mechanism is to have sex, but with this new fangled method, I discovered that ice was more readily available, quicker and involved minimal effort. This realization inevitably lead me to activities such as going to different gas stations, restaurants and cafes to peruse their samplings, i.e., perform unsolicited ice quality assessments. It also led to home and work experimentation with the water levels in the ice trays to ensure the perfect sized cubes. As everyone knows, at a certain point ice cubes or chips may be a tad large for comfort and ease in chomping. To that end, I bought different sized trays and further bought bags of ice to see what I found preferential. It has everything to do with the texture and size and the feeling against my teeth as I crunch. I obtain a certain amount of gratification from simply making it disappear. Not being a huge fan of drinking water it also gives me ample opportunity for pleasurable ingestion of liquid. As of late, it has gotten a little out of hand– I find that without my ice I become irritable and cranky...I wake up late at night and have to run downstairs to refill my cup before I can fall back asleep and of course, it is the first thing I want in the morning. Any friends I still have, politely tolerate the crunching. I suspect they grow tired of hearing my musings regarding the same, but I simply cannot help it...I am an ice addict. I search the recesses of childhood memory to find the origin of said obsession and come up with vague and paltry memories of my father crunching ice, but that’s it. Perhaps it was learned, perhaps it is in the genes– can’t say for sure. One day I notice that rock salt sorta looks like ice and I began to wonder how the texture of that might be if I were to chew...but no! Thus far I have held this urge at bay, somewhat. (I will admit to licking a piece of the rock salt and thinking that I shouldn’t cross that line). Now the need has manifested in a different way. I figure if I can’t chew the ice I will get rid of it via other methods, while incorporating my new fascination with rock salt in a constructive and err...healthy way. Over this winter I have bought in excess of 100 pounds of rock salt and pilfered a great quantity of sand off of the beach or work sites or basically wherever I could find it. I’ve begged my friends to keep an eye out and hook me up. Sadly, I’ve gotten family members involved bringing me this industrial gravel/rock salt mixture from where they work. The last time I asked they just looked at me with pity in their eyes and said that I really ought to slow down and let some of the ice melt naturally, but I can’t! The honest truth is that I cannot walk by a bucket of rock salt without grabbing at least a handful. As I leave shopping centers, I scope the salt scene out and if I happen to see any, the higher grade rock salt beckons..."I am better than anything you will find at the store...you’ve never seen rock salt like me..." I drive by local salt plants and wistfully look at the huge piles thereof all the while wondering about the worst I would get charged with if my urges one day overpowered my sense and I attempted to gain entry into this salt wonderland...could I plea insanity? There is just something about the gritty texture in my hand and the knowledge of the power I hold. I think about the quiet crackling noise it will make once it is released and it makes me smile. I go outside and spread it around like magical fairy dust, thinking about how I won’t slip on this ice patch or that with glee, until I realize that I have again depleted my supply. The personal war I’ve waged with winter and ice will have to wait until tomorrow. I begin to question if the standard ice cube trays I have carefully filled to the one third mark have yet crystallized and luckily they have. I sit down in front of my living room window with my cup and crunch as I spitefully stare at all the ice that remains...

9:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

recycled...enjoy

I've Been Thinking...

By Black Cloud

...about "Valentine's" Day. In fact, such thoughts become impossible to block as we head full speed ahead into hearts, teddy bears and whatnot. This is a holiday that many argue was created by Hallmark, however, I must disagree. While they may have piggy backed on a much older celebration, it goes deeper than anything the minds of Hallmark could create. Others might say it was a holiday created by the Church, again I must disagree. We all know how original they are, i.e., the penchant for stealing pagan holidays and renaming them.... I must give "credit" where credit is due....

ONCE UPON A TIME... Lupercalia, a Roman festival, was all the rage. Apparently in honor of the festival the Luperci priests used to go to a cave where Romulus (namesake of Rome) and Remus were nursed by the goddess she-wolf...long story, anyways, they would get to the cave and after the vestal virgins offered their salt cakes, the priests would kill a goat and a dog (or two). The animals' blood was then smeared on some well-bred boys' foreheads. The knives they used to do the smearing of the blood had wool on them and were soaked in milk (must have smelled lovely). Reportedly, this would set off riotous laughter among the boys (no one knows why– it was just expected I guess). Post anointation of the young studs, the priest began working on cutting the goat's skin into strips. From there all the affluent boys were instructed to run through the street lashing the townsfolk, mostly girls, with the strips to ensure fertility and ease in childbirth. Don't get me wrong all the young Roman dames (nobles at that) would line up in the streets to be a "lucky" recipient of said lashings. In addition, there are accounts of all the barren women being taken out into a field and having stones hurled at them(again for fertility and ease in childbirth), either way it sounds like a "great" time.

At the end of the festival there was the sex-lottery (that's right, the sex lottery). All the young hotties would put their names into and urn and hope they got paired up nicely for the following reasons:

Naturally the Church doesn't dig on sex-lotteries (or anything else that isn't wholesome and pure) so Pope Gelasius came along and arbitrarily declared "Valentine's Day," a day before Lupercalia. There is a theory that this was to overshadow and try to absorb the festival (albeit in a diluted fashion)...another long story.

This got me to thinking, has that much really changed? The "giver" in any relationship usually springs for dinner, chocolates (known heightener of mood and aphrodisiac), alcohol and perhaps flowers and other tokens of love. Valentine's or Valentine's Day cards are typically a part of the package. (Sort of serving as a modern day personalized version of the sex lottery, but rigged so that only the "giver" can win.) Gone is the lottery, but...despite the Christian-ization and the Hallmark-ization of Lupercalia, (i.e., saying it is about innocent selfless love and appreciation of your mate)...face it, you want to get laid. You want to be appreciated for all the gifts you "give," if you don't get it, you will lash out- not with goat skin, but in other ways. You do these things in an effort to "win" the promise of sex and/or favor (or I suppose for the rare demure types– love). Nothing altruistic here, never was. That much has remained the same. After all, lil Eros, i.e., "Cupid" was born out of lust rather than love. Basically what you are left with is a more P.C./sensitive way to go about getting what it is that you want....so good luck getting some "loving" and Happy Lupercalia!

11:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i've been thinking...
Current mood: blah
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

...about how for being a cat i've become quite the rat, i.e., of the pack variety. i start wading through the contents where the surface of my dining room table should be...ever determined to purge myself of unnecessary items. i reason that with each shed item greater clarity will be realized...notes, photos, scraps of paper and napkins with bad poetry scribbled on it, tax info from 1999, phone books (that i can never quite locate when i actually need them) cards, calendars from 2001, mail dated april 20^th (that has yet to be opened– at least it is from the current year...), expired coupons– the tape, (that would have been handy yesterday)...notes from old lovers, sun tzu's "art of war" right along side machavelli's "the prince" (side note- read these two together– very complementary), catalogues, my dad's address (guess it's time to send out that father's day card), children's drawings, phone numbers, cool list of bizarre holidays (today is international panic day...makes sense), a computer print out indicating i died in 1869 and was buried in a cemetery in tennessee (my "resting place" was subsequently "disturbed"– hmmm, no wonder...), magazines, artsy pics of me holding knives to a distraught looking individual's throat (i look pretty bad ass...ha, ha), the letter i had intended to mail to the fox channel regarding how the 70's show shift from 10:30 to 11:30 is messing with my life, a broken mug (i've been meaning to glue it back together, honest!) an easy bake oven, past due bills, an old copy of the government issued "u.s. army survival, evasion and escape" (never know when I might need that), masks, old to-do lists, "the urantia book" (supposedly written by aliens- discusses the 7 multi-verses, you know), take out menus, old newspapers, ½ completed sudoku puzzles, fortune cookie fortunes (for use in my new line of "pack rat art")....i am feeling a little resigned to defeat as i notice that while everything certainly looks more o.c.d.-ally organized, that there isn't anything LESS of anything...sigh.

11:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i've been thinking- june (sign up for me blog)
Category: Pets and Animals

I'VE BEEN THINKING

By Black Cloud

...about the dead carrion that confronted me the other day as I innocently went out to check the mail. There it lay, belly up, at the base of my front steps. Its little feet were curled, as in an expression of defeat. I remember questioning myself mentally... "What happened to it? How did it get here? What kind of bird is it even?"

Hmm...I grabbed the shovel and went in, to examine it at a closer range. Near the flies who were feasting on the remains, was an empty space where the head should have been. I nudged the carcass with the shovel, thinking, "I must be mistaken...no, the thing doesn't have a mother loving head!" I glanced around for any vestige of a head in the immediate vicinity, but came up empty handed. "No sign of a fight...yet no head???"

Thoughts raced through my mind..."Does it have something to do with the new girl who moved upstairs (she says she has ghosts who travel with her, but...). Could it be a prank? A neighborhood cat who is trying to show their umm...appreciation by offering up the headless bird to me? What if it is more sinister?" I thought about all the people I could have pissed off lately and that got me nowhere– "There's just too many...then again maybe it is just a crazy person that for whatever reason is 'leaving me a message'...maybe it is an omen of some kind? What does it all mean?!?" I scanned memories of recent dreams and tried to determine if I had any warning..."nope." I was bothered by these thoughts the entire route to work– once I got to the office I start an investigation... "Other reports of headless birds? Yes. None near by though...hmm. Any stories about the meaning of birds with no heads- a few here and there, but nothing serves as the secret decoder ring in my time of need...onward and upward."

I shifted to identification which proved difficult (as by now the details had admittedly become a little blurred...and I was without a profile) "It could be a crow, but the color seemed a tad more grey...the feet looked more like talons– maybe it's a raptor?" I got excited and reasoned that it would have looked a lot bigger, after all, with a head. I plugged in the skewed stats and came up with quite an impressive list: a turkey vulture, a gyrfalcon, a northern goshawk, a peregrine falcon, a baby eagle... "No! There's no way a cat could have done this! What kind of a person could do something like this!?!"...before I knew it, I had spent the entire day obsessing over the bird– only 10 minutes were left. I called one of my friends who I had been updating via the internet as to the competing theories periodically and solicited their help to put an end to the mystery...so the time comes, I had my friend in tow, but I wanted an additional peek, before I unveiled what it was that I had discovered. "Fuck," much to my dismay...it clearly appeared to be a pigeon, ..."case closed."

12:28 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I've Been Thinking (May 2007)
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Writing and Poetry

I've Been Thinking...

By Black Cloud 

..about how I need a cathartic release, so here goes...I hate those puppies with smooshed in faces. I hate sharing dairy products. I hate when people put their feet up on tables. I hate trust fund babies who feel like the world owes them something. I hate the texture of bananas. I hate people who are amused by their own flatulence. I hate squash. I hate the Beatles and Monty Python. I hate passive aggressive snarky bitches and the other "nice" people of the world. I hate it when people eat with their mouth open. I hate beer. I hate football and hockey and baseball. I hate anime. I hate it when people ask me why I don't eat meat. I hate fish and the thought of them touching me. I hate thinking about people I've been with, being with other people (unless I really never cared). I hate it how when a single woman gets pregnant that all the men in her immediate vicinity are "sterile." I hate miscarriages. I hate when people are not responsible for their actions. I hate sugar free gum. I hate clingy people who latch on to the point you can't breath. I hate when people ask questions they know answers to, in order to gain brownie points from the proverbial man, whoever that might be. I hate people who gossip and then deny that they have said anything. I hate false friends who are out to stab you in the back. I hate people who try to incite paranoia and then accuse you of being paranoid. I hate people assuming they know me. I hate ignorance and stupidity and anything less than skilled, solid arguments. I hate people who can't take passionate natures. I hate it when they think I have an anger problem when I express how I feel. I hate political correctness. I hate people who pretend to be other than what they truly are. I hate people who think they are rich (grew up in Rochester with the real rich kids thank you very much). I hate lulls and complacency. I hate that my golden birthday was the first. I hate that this year my birthday has been cancelled and eclipsed by my world traveling brother who had to pop into town after years of absence on what day? Yes, my birthday. I hate that the weekend nearest to my birthday will be filled with a pre-mature wedding party for him (mind you the wedding isn't until the summer of 2008 in fucking Nova Scotia- but the festivites just need to be then). I hate that I am considered selfish for being none too pleased about it. I hate being a young widow. I hate hearing about other people's petty problems. I hate when people pretend to care about my problems. I hate eggs and the smell of them cooking. I hate nosy know-it-alls, who can't mind their own business. I hate when people try to pump you for information. I hate the smell of wet dogs or dogs who try to hump your leg. I hate when people do things in a half-assed fashion. I hate being patient. I hate long winded boring stories and people who talk very slowly, spit it out already. I hate it when people try to be pretentious or condescending. I hate people talking to me like I am fresh outta kindergarten. I hate liars and people who thieve from friends. I hate people who knowingly take advantage of others to get what they want. I hate holidays and the stress that collects around them. I hate drama. I hate people who wreck things that belong to others and don't offer to replace them or in the least show remorse for doing so. I hate chain smoking. I hate nepotism. I hate doing dishes and cleaning cat boxes. I hate people who go out and get piggy drunk and fuck people on their front lawns. Speaking of that, I hate public displays of affection. I hate people who expect you to clean up after them and those who have no modicum of manners. I hate it when people say one thing and do another. I hate copy-cats and psychic vampires– yo, get your own life. I hate people who never sever the tie with their parents and have emotionally incestuous relationships with them. I hate people who go to psychologists or psychiatrists to find the magic bullet issue in their life that they can use as a crutch, so as to say, it's not my fault I have a chemical imbalance. I hate people who become pathologically hooked on anti-depressants or ADHD medications. I hate collection agents. I hate people who harm garden gnomes. I hate people with no sense of humor. I hate people who need something by virtue of everyone else getting it, and people who will pout until they do. I hate people who drink diet soda and then gorge themselves with food. I hate the people who think this article is about them. I hate to think that maybe their paranoia outweighs mine, or that I can see through their shit. Ha, ha, ha...I feel better.

2:10 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

is that all there is- lyrics
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?
Peggy Lee (P.J. Harvey did a lovely cover)

SPOKEN:
I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire"

SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

SPOKEN:
And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to a circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears.
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And so I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle.
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "is that all there is to a circus?

SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

SPOKEN:
Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away and I thought I'd die, but I didn't,
and when I didn't I said to myself, "is that all there is to love?"

SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

SPOKEN:
I know what you must be saying to yourselves,
if that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?Oh, no, not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment,
for I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath, I'll be saying to myself

SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

10:40 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

i've been thinking (april 07)
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I've Been Thinking

By Black Cloud

...about "phobias." Specifically the list of phobias I found online the other day and umm...it appears to me that the psychological field has gone a tad too far. I find myself wondering what separates a normal fear of something into a "phobia," to what extent does something cross that line of normalcy and morph into a sickness? I was relieved to see that I am not the only person who has a fish phobia, aka, "ichthyophobia," but then again I was exposed to the movie "Pirana" at the tender age of four and non-swimmer I was, got stuck under a dock with a flurry of curious sunfish bum-rushing me a few months later...(my father is a huge proponent of throwing children into lakes to "teach" them to swim) I digress, but tell me this how does someone develop a fear of chopsticks aka, "consecotaleophobia" or fear of certain fabrics aka, "textophobia" or a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth aka, "arachibutyrophobia." I think of bad scenarios wherein parents poke at their children with chopsticks and make them wear uncomfortably shrunken cotton-wear or about the parents who threaten to use gobs of peanut butter instead of soap to punish their babes for having dirty mouths, "...I'll school you, young lad! By the time I am done with the peanut butter, you won't be able to mutter 'no' much less the other expletives you seem to like as of late..." I also think of the poor children who have developed a fear of long words aka, "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" Again how does one develop such a fear? A spelling bee gone horribly wrong? Followed by the punishment of writing the word for the fear of long words 100 times on a sheet of paper? (Why is the word that indicates a fear of long words no less than 36 letters? That seems sort of cruel.) Even if all of these things arguably happened, could it cause someone to develop a life altering fear? I think not. I think it's ridiculous, however I would love to see a reality show that addresses such fears– something like phobic fear factor wherein the contestants are forced to conquer their phobias. I can see it now..."come on now Tommy those chopsticks aren't going to hurt you, your mommy isn't here," or "cotton is one of the most common fabrics there is little Suzy, time to get over it, come on just try it..." or "Tyler, we are out of jelly sandwiches today, I guess you are just going to have to eat this peanut butter one...with nothing to wash it down." Hmm...

6:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i've been thinking (in your next hpd mag)
Current mood: cynical
Category: Life

I've Been Thinking...

By Black Cloud

...about "Valentine's" Day. In fact, such thoughts become impossible to block as we head full speed ahead into hearts, teddy bears and whatnot. This is a holiday that many argue was created by Hallmark, however, I must disagree. While they may have piggy backed on a much older celebration, it goes deeper than anything the minds of Hallmark could create. Others might say it was a holiday created by the Church, again I must disagree. We all know how original they are, i.e., the penchant for stealing pagan holidays and renaming them.... I must give "credit" where credit is due....

ONCE UPON A TIME... Lupercalia, a Roman festival, was all the rage. Apparently in honor of the festival the Luperci priests used to go to a cave where Romulus (namesake of Rome) and Remus were nursed by the goddess she-wolf...long story, anyways, they would get to the cave and after the vestal virgins offered their salt cakes, the priests would kill a goat and a dog (or two). The animals' blood was then smeared on some well-bred boys' foreheads. The knives they used to do the smearing of the blood had wool on them and were soaked in milk (must have smelled lovely). Reportedly, this would set off riotous laughter among the boys (no one knows why– it was just expected I guess). Post anointation of the young studs, the priest began working on cutting the goat's skin into strips. From there all the affluent boys were instructed to run through the street lashing the townsfolk, mostly girls, with the strips to ensure fertility and ease in childbirth. Don't get me wrong all the young Roman dames (nobles at that) would line up in the streets to be a "lucky" recipient of said lashings. In addition, there are accounts of all the barren women being taken out into a field and having stones hurled at them(again for fertility and ease in childbirth), either way it sounds like a "great" time.

At the end of the festival there was the sex-lottery (that's right, the sex lottery). All the young hotties would put their names into and urn and hope they got paired up nicely for the following reasons:

Naturally the Church doesn't dig on sex-lotteries (or anything else that isn't wholesome and pure) so Pope Gelasius came along and arbitrarily declared "Valentine's Day," a day before Lupercalia. There is a theory that this was to overshadow and try to absorb the festival (albeit in a diluted fashion)...another long story.

This got me to thinking, has that much really changed? The "giver" in any relationship usually springs for dinner, chocolates (known heightener of mood and aphrodisiac), alcohol and perhaps flowers and other tokens of love. Valentine's or Valentine's Day cards are typically a part of the package. (Sort of serving as a modern day personalized version of the sex lottery, but rigged so that only the "giver" can win.) Gone is the lottery, but...despite the Christian-ization and the Hallmark-ization of Lupercalia, (i.e., saying it is about innocent selfless love and appreciation of your mate)...face it, you want to get laid. You want to be appreciated for all the gifts you "give," if you don't get it, you will lash out- not with goat skin, but in other ways. You do these things in an effort to "win" the promise of sex and/or favor (or I suppose for the rare demure types– love). Nothing altruistic here, never was. That much has remained the same. After all, lil Eros, i.e., "Cupid" was born out of lust rather than love. Basically what you are left with is a more P.C./sensitive way to go about getting what it is that you want....so good luck getting some "loving" and Happy Lupercalia!

2:05 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I've Been Thinking...(HPD Mag Jan. Ed.)
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

I've Been Thinking...

By Black Cloud

This has to be the "best" holiday season ever...in light of the fact that everyone I seem to know, work with or associate with has been affected by the plague of the Twin Ports. If they don't have it, they are about to get it or are actively in denial. Those that don't get it are hella lucky. It involves a cold that will not go away how ever many different folk remedies you use or however well you are try to take care of yourself, i.e, preventative care. (It doesn't even go away if you sincerely try to quit smoking cigarettes- much to everyone's dismay I have decided there's no time like the holidays to do it- if you're going to be miserable anyway...) That's just the beginning...as one starts experiencing the drainage down the back of the throat causing the cough... in tandem there's the sensation of knitting needles poking your eardrum and the unrelenting headache and the sore throat that you try to write off as you hope that all that ails you will just go away- so that you can wrap your paltry holiday gifts, make crafts and baked goods to make up for it ( the paltry gifts) and most importantly so that you don't have to go to the doctor and spend more money you don't have (which incidentally should be going towards gifts) on antibiotics that don't work. The situation is compounded by collection agents calling and wondering when you are going to pay off that huge balance...Speaking of balance, you should expect to be very clumsy, walking into walls, dropping things and perhaps breaking or damaging the gifts you have managed to purchase. This loss of equilibrium will make it hard to think and may or may not cause additional injuries to the list of ever growing symptoms. These are but the secondary effects of the plague. The headache will reach a crescendo as you go from hot to cold and listless to panicked and think about all the missed hours at work and all of the crap piling up on your desk and the missed parties and the house projects to complete before you have yours and the cookie exchanges and the pot-lucks and the damned cards and the look of possible disappointment on your children's faces when you tell them that you have to get this done or that done...At the same time you've got the t.v. pumping them full of stories about togetherness and love and warmth and showing them all the cool new toys you can't afford, ahhhh! All the while, the children of the pharmaceutical giants and the children of the doctors (who get the kickbacks from them) are amassing more and more gifts under their grossly over-the-top-keeping-up-with-the-Jones' holiday trees. The children of the collection agents are oblivious to the evil tactics employed by their parents to harass other families so they can get a bigger bonus...Where's the silver lining? Hmm...calling in sick to family get togethers, declining to babysit out of fear of getting the children sick, getting people to do things for you or making them feel like horse's asses if they don't....happy holidays, i.e., Kwanza, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, Winter Solstice, and any others which might have slipped my mind.

9:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i've been thinking 3 (in your next hpd mag:)
Current mood: blah
Category: Games

10:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment