where’s the fucking zipper?!
Current mood: cooky/wacky

I wonder if banging my head on the desk screaming "GET IT OUT" would help but I highly doubt it.  If I didn't know any better I would shave my head and thoroughly inspect it in hopes of finding the little zipper that releases the top half of my skull so I could just pull my brain out and have a moments peace.  I would ask someone to help me but I know better than that by now.  I guess I'll just do what I always do and pack another fucking bowl, crawl into my hazy little bubble and sleep it all away. 

Please, don't misunderstand, I know that I have a million and one people who love and care for me, and if I asked any of them for help they would be there for me.  I say I know better than that because I know no one can fix me, but me.  I just needed to vocalize and at 3 am this computer is the only one awake to listen. 

So I'm going to go feed my little green demon now and then probably eat some chocolate and pass out. Peace.

6:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

hippies (part 2)

So as I was explaining the story to my friend, whom I was about to go camping with, I saw the kids and we pulled over so I could talk to them.  I gave them all the facts and they looked me in the eye and told me they didn't do it.  My heart lept into the air.  I didn't even care that I had lost that stuff or about seeking revenge on the perpitraders; simply over joyed to have my trust back.  I've been lied to so much and I have lied so much that I can see it and I was so relieved to see the truth. He did admit to accidently pocketing my book mark and gave it back to me.  I appologized for accusing, they appologized for me having gone through this, we hugged and I went camping.

It was strange, like I got my energy back.  I looked at the book mark which simply says, "Still mind, Peaceful heart."  What a message.  Can't believe I created a drama like that, and over some stuff.  Just goes to show that the things I own, still own me.

3:01 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

fucking hippies!

so a few days ago something happened that just made me see the positive and beauty in humanity.  I later invited some road dogs back to the house for food and a place to crash on a rainy day.  I noticed the next day after they left that one of them puked on the curb and then went through my first aid kit for some stomach medicine. cool fine, wish they would have told me but don't care.  today as I was packing my backpack to go camping for the weekend I noticed they  helped themselves to more than just my first aid.  My spaid, my flashlight, my compass and most importantly my father's hunting knife.  fuck all the rest, but the hunting knife was worth a lot in a couple ways but mostly sentimently.  now I can't just go walking into the woods because I no longer have some essentials.  I'm expressing my anger but really I need a hug cause this shit hurts.  this is the first time I ever gave out of my heart to a complete stranger and gotten fucked.  I mean they even hugged me when they left. 

There is no way of knowing really that they did it, they didn't strike me as that couple you know? but my pack has been hanging on the back of my passenger seat in my piece of shit car for a while now and no one had messed with it up to now. the vomit is on the street right by my trailer and I have the empty pack of ramen in my garbage to match the regergitated ramen five feet from my trailer (where I let them sleep that night).  the first aid kit hangs on the side of my pack, a big blue bag with a red cross on it that anyone could see. I found it open with stomach medicine laying out..........well you know the rest of the story. 

So what's my lesson?  I help anyone and everyone the same I know I would want to be helped. do unto others right?  I can't turn people away. So what's my lesson? 

8:19 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Soul

I hate Bukowski.  He was smart enough to bring a pen.  I hate it because when I open his book I don't read him I read the truth that was transfered through him.

I hate Saul Williams because he is me.  I am that poet that walks the streets speaking in holy tongues that only make sense to those who hear between the lines.

I can play that part!  I can stand on the stage and let go and let you see me for the tool I am and it will give me that chance to proceed up the financial ladder of this failed society.

Though I seem to forget, it isn't me.  It isn't Saul, it isn't Bukowski.  Please look closer and see that this isn't me.

I don't want you to read this, I don't want you to imagine what it feels like to be this.  I want you to feel this for yourself. We're just a piece of a puzzle trying to find a place to fit. Find your place, find your truth.

I hate Bukowski because he is me.  I hate that it's Saul and not John Paul. 

Please forgive me, in my ignorance I forget to see that they are them so I could be me.

I accept my choice to not be Bukowski.  I accept this journey.  I appreciate and rejoice for Saul; he stood on that stage for me, so I could be John Paul.

1:46 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

lay back and enjoy the ride
Current mood: yep....

I tripped and fell down into my head.
When I passed through the barrier,
I was floating by the sun.
I asked it, "how can this be?"

The sun threw me into and through Jupiter; where I was compressed into an electron and back to my normal size.

I drifted to the end of space to find a curved wall that I couldn't see.

The white light was just on the other side.

I turned and saw myself staring at someone in the mirror that wasn't me.

There I was, trapped in the pupil with the stars, shinning bright.

"We are of that which all beauty stems from", they said."Don't forget; the stars are in your eyes, so let them twinkle for all to see."     

3:41 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

do you know?
Current mood: awake

i know that i am a part of that thing which is a part of everything therefore i know everything. i'm too seperated though, i know i better than i know it, so really i don't know anything. something is there though. i know it is. do you know it?

11:43 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

bleh...no it’s not you i swear

so to many this situation doesn't sound like much of a problem, infact to most this sounds like vacation. my brother is in town for his once a year xmas visit which leaves me feeling obligated to be here at all times. which i love my family but please god no more. the biggest problem for me oddly enough is food. i hang out get really fucking stoned and then realize that my mom has a bunch of candy sitting out. so i'm one of those people i have to put my energy somewhere, whether its out on a walk or meditating but can't just leave because family is here and have you ever tried meditating in a house where you're needed for something every 5 minutes? so i eat, and i feel disgusting it doesn't seem like anything at the time  cause im so stoned but then i feel like shit the next day. plus i've finally figured out that i have to take care of each part of the trio for them to all fall in place, which includes my body which feels like a piece of shit on legs right now. anyway to all that have and are experiencing this, happy holidays.

8:01 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

poem

so every so often i just pull out a poem for no reason and send it in on this poetry contest that takes place every year. appearently this year my poem was good enough that i won third place. i must admit i feel a bit proud so i would like to share it with you all. (funny thing is i didn't think it was that good)

He walks with his back to the sun,
trying to catch his shadow.
The wind nestling in his back shallow,
pushing and tempting him to run.
He breathes deep the dusty air,
trying to take it all in.
His breath leaks through his skin;
he thinks it's more than he can bare.
He watches as his shadow withers;
it's not his breath, but the air flowing through.
Letting go is all there's left to do;
so this is what it's like to be a feather.

3:45 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

the show

so there i was with my ear bein' blown out, wondering to myself what this hip hop's all about. standing still while scratchin a tune or lettin go and just feelin to move, or spittin whatever is possible to fit in, get in, the things that i need to get out. im feeling what this is all about, not about, race, cheese, or getting her down on those knees but instead this thing i got inside that won't let go or let me breathe till i feed it what i need.

that's all that came to me...for now.....

2:39 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

if music is life, then my soul resides in my feet.....
Current mood: cheerful

so i just got my ass kicked by a mountain and i hurt and im tired and i love it. i camped by myself way back in the mountain and then hiked out. got a bit paranoid cause there are a lot of lions around there but had a blast playing in a water fall, grappling upside down on trees to cross a creek. WOOHOO! i didn't go as deep as i wanted cause i didn't realize how far back the mountain exactly was and im a bit of  chicken shit when it comes to big animals with big teeth. so mostly i stayed not far from the road then down on the road but in about six hours i walked about 12 miles.  not bad except the boots i was wearing were a sice too big and at about mile 6 started to try to cut my big toe off everytime i stepped. so i camped on the side of the road at like 2 in the morning. then hitched a ride i was a few miles away from my destination but im not too upset. 12 miles straight through. do it people just go out there and say hi to nature. i happened to be there on summer soltice so i said my thanks to the god and played around. i can't explain how good i feel inside that my body is aching. really, try it sometime.

1:01 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment