I don't understand humans.

Sometimes I question the worth of humanity. I being a social work student try generally to look on the bright side of things, but even I can get shaken by the terrible things humans do.

Here in Missoula there is on a local chanel on sunday nights a free speech hour, where anyone can show anything without repercussions. Now normally this is just things like stoners taping themselves and putting it on the air, but tonight was different.

The channel was showing an anti-abortion film, which started with the sound track consisting only of screaming babies with the images being of fetuses maybe five months along being pulled forcefully from the mothers with forceps, which by itself was a gruesome enough image, but it gets worse because they then showed an image of the fetuses being put through a meat grinder, and also of people eating pieces of the fetuses. This, to say the least disturbed me, I understand and fully condone the If you don't want to hear it don't listen idea, so I changed the channel.

However it gets worse. I have the horribly morbid curiosity of a cat, so I later changed back to the channel in the hopes of actually hearing their justifications, but was shocked to see something even worse. This was literally only ten minutes later and the images now were a homemade video of a group of young men literally skinning a wolf alive. Followed by throwing foxes by swinging them around by their tails like a hammer throw. After that it was a man shoving an icepick into the head of a baby seal. All of this imagery happened in about a two minute period before I, who am not easily disturbed by imagery was so sicked to look away. There were no words being said during all of this imagery, so I have no idea if they were promoting it or condemning it, I just know that I am worried what my dreams will be like for the next few nights, and I find humans disgusting right now.

10:33 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

That time of year again
Current mood: contemplative

Well it's that time of year again, the summer is winding down and life starts again. I'm both excited and terrified. No that's not quite right, not terrified...reluctant and apprehensive are much better qualifiers. Excited because I love having things to do and people to be with and causes to support. Basically I love all the things that make me feel as if my life has meaning, but at the same time I'm reluctant to go back because as much as I enjoy my mile-a-minute life, I also enjoy my time away that I take each summer.

This summer I think I've spoken less in total than I do in a week at home, and I've had the peace and quiet to sit and read or sew or meditate or the millions of other little things I mean to do while at school but somehow push off and push off until they never get done. And apprehensive. This is a generally new feeling for me when it comes to returning to my life, I'm worried that I've overloaded myself with two jobs, a presidency, a girlfriend who wants forever...while I want right now, and full time student status. I burned out badly at the end of last year, and unfortunately my grades suffered for it and so I HAVE to do better this semester or the school will pull my funding, without which I can't afford to attend.

And truthfully I'm most apprehensive about the fact that when I return my close friends, those few who I trust enough to let know when I need help, or something is wrong (which I don't do lightly if at all), won't be there. I know it sounds silly, but having experienced this last year (through misunderstandings and miscommunication, and no fault of anyone in particular) and having those friendships never fully recover, I can't help but be afraid that it may happen again. It's really almost enough to make me consider not coming back at all, but then I try to imagine myself not doing the things I love, not fighting for the causes I need to fight for, not seeing those friends who wouldn't abandon me, and I realize exactly how childish I'm really being.

I have responsibilities, I have two jobs, a presidency, a girlfriend, and friends to whom I owe the small action of my presence. And my classes to which I owe myself and my future. So really to sum this all up...It's that time of year again, and I think too much.

5:07 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Annoyance.
Current mood: cranky

Annoyance!!!!! I go to Berlin and I find the Gothic Underground in about a week. I go to portland I find it in a matter of days. I've been here in DC for over two weeks at this point doing more or less nothing but looking for it and the only response I've found is that there is none. Now I refuse to believe this. I am currently living in an east coast (Which is far more known for it's gothic culture than it's western counterpart) city of 4 MILLION people, and the few goths I've found (very few!) tell me this (from a web-site I found that puts it more eloquently than the goths I met):

Since you're here, perusing Gothic DC, you must be looking for something to do in our fair cesspool. I hope you are prepared to live with disappointment. There isn't much left for those of the Gothic persuasion.
Oh, you want to know why? Hell, you'll hear it even if you don't want to know. I'm just in that kind of mood. There isn't much left to do in DC for Goths because we don't have many real Goths here. What we have is a gaggle of image-conscious, status seeking trendies that dress in black and put on truly bad makeup with a trowel. They don't support their scene because they're not smart enough to know that if you don't show up to see a good band or buy a drink or two at a club that the band won't come back and the club will close down the Goth night and start yet another EuroTrash meat market or drugbunny Rave night. But hey! That's DC for you. Why should something as refined and cultured as Goth flourish in a city that has become synonymous with bad taste, empty-headed trendy types, skanky crackwhores and gun-toting drug dealers.

I searched the net for gothic stores seeing as that was how I found the German underground go to the stores talk to the shop keepers and they can generally point you in the right direction. However I was sadly disappointed when I went to said stores, the most promising one was no longer in existence, one had become an overpriced boutique for rich wanna-be punks, and the last was run by two British 30-something punks who did have some fun things in their store however they weren't very inclined to talk to me to begin with and sadly knew very little about the gothic subculture other than where the nearest Hot Topic was located. I now see why people can hate this city.

But I will continue the search...NIN concert is on the 13th so maybe I'll find something useful there...

I feel like a lost goth in the city of politics.

6:18 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

*Gasp Shock*
Current mood: impressed

It seems that my parents and I have reached a compromise. Before Summer began I was told, You are comming home and you are spending the entire summer with us. Now that I've actually showed up (and not ran off to be homeless for an undifined period of time without telling them) they seem a bit more open to the idea of my traveling. In fact my father asked me today if there was anywhere I was planning to travel. I was more impressed when they didn't even flinch when I mention staying with a male friend in his Teepee.

Also they seem to be all for my plan to go see NIN and Bauhaus, however I may have to compromise and see the show here in DC seeing as I don't think I can afford ticket, travel costs, and hotel room to go see it with Bex and Madi in Boston. However it still promices to be an awsome show.

I am going to pride week DC as well. I am excited! Another good bit of news on the parental front my parents can now say the words "your girlfriend" with out flinching or sarcastic tone of voice, in fact they seem genuinely interested in this one.

My parents are finally growing up and realizing that I'm not the person they expected, or the person they were trying to raise, but my own person who different yes, but really not that horrible. It's about damn time.

Currently listening : This Business of Art By Tegan and Sara Release date: 18 July, 2000

4:38 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

I've done the unthinkable!!!!!!

No not a man...not quite THAT unthinkable I have however finally followed through with my threat of many years and in a fit of stress and boredom.............butched off all of my hair.


ok not quite but damn close I now a a very short black and red fouxhawk that's even shorter in the back with slightly longer pieces that hang down in the front. I rock.

12:42 AM - 9 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment