Forgiven
Current mood: pensive

I would like to believe that all people possess an intrinsically kind and gentle nature—
The cruel words, the judgments, the ridicule are nothing more than a coping mechanism….
Yet throughout my life, people have rattled my faith—love is so fragile, so tender, and unfortunately, it is just as easily punctured, infected and toyed with….
We become so consumed by disappointment, disappointment that is perpetuated by a plethora of grandiose, childishly ignorant expectations….
I never really knew you, I never really experienced the stuff that comprised you, Ella, my great grandmother;
I feel like I missed out because I refuse to believe that you were nothing but cruelty--
It saddens me to know that no genuine love emanated from you, no compassion— you seethed with anger, hurt, frustration, and deeply rooted resentment that clearly plagued you for the later years of your life….
You were empty, a dark and lonely abyss….and I cannot lie, it perplexes me, for I feel you were luckier than you deserved to be….
I believe that you created your own suffering—just as I believe that I create my own;
I saw how you treated my grandfather—such scorn and perhaps envy, I do not know—and those actions alone, caused me to judge you;
I wish I could have experienced the real you, because I do believe you were capable of something very beautiful, very pure….
But actions leave an indelible mark and your actions lost my respect…
Your actions only deepened the ever-expanding rift that exists in this family: our mangled family dynamic was set in motion by you, by your husband….
Fire and brimstone, you preached hate….you suppressed love…..love was anathema;
And although we have free will, that anger has infected every single person in this family….
I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe in acknowledging, in recognizing your actions;
You were selfish, painstakingly bitter and you hurt my family….
I wish I could have known you--- I wish I could have verbally articulated this to you—but you are gone now, and I hope, I pray that you have finally found the solitude and peace that all beings deserve;
I hope you realize how much hurt has enveloped this family….and how inextricably linked it all is…..
I believe we all ascend to a greater place, but I also believe in karma, and Ella, you have many more lives to live….
You have begun your healing process, something, which we are all working through on some level…
I never knew what was lurking in your psyche….I was merely fed information from others—however, it is clear to me that you experienced that mind-blowing unhappiness that literally paralyzes the senses and numbs the emotions;
Ella, we related on many levels—I can't mourn your death, but I can celebrate it, because from the very depths of my soul, I do believe you have learned, and I do believe, you are finally in a phase of healing;
Tears stream from my eyes, and my heart is hurting…why? I cannot understand—
But I think, your departure from this earth was a wake-up call for me….
You didn't want to be here anymore--- and although sometimes, I don't always love being alive, I also am not ready to join you….
I know that I can no longer inflict such turmoil on myself….on my physical body and emotional being….
How much pain is a single being willing to endure?
Help me, tell me, guide me…you may be gone in physical form, but it does not mean you cannot help this family—
So, Ella, I implore you…help me….help the family….
You are forgiven.

RIP

9:47 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Moment
Current mood: On the Brink
Category: On the Brink Life

Unable to articulate, i fumble upon words; struggle to grasp the stream of emotions
emanating from that inner conclave;
How absurdly trite it seems, yet I cannot dismiss the the force or escape the magic.
Elevated to majestic heights, an extraordinary transcendence that widens perspective;
The view is captivating, surreal, ineffable: words simply do not suffice--
No limits, no boundaries, no self-induced barriers;
Harmonic function guides the presence, an almost child-like sense of innocence-- such perfection!
Vaguely familiar, this feeling tugs at my memory cord:
Such simplicity is attainable, is more than fantasy....
A beautifully constructed portrait of life: divinely synchronistic, brimming with raw, unadulterated
joy and bliss;
Free from complications, burdens, unnecessary longings and self pity;

Stagnation has become an automatic response to anxiety and apprehension--
how contrary to our inherently care-free nature!
We're quick to place blame, point an accusatory finger;
it allays our angst temporarily, numbs the pain a bit longer, but eventually, we even become numb to numbness;
At some point we realize this flaw in our reality--
The detriment of our ways becomes illuminated: we are the catalyst....
We caused the tumult, the chaos, the rage;
We entangled ourselves in this mess;
How much longer can we wallow and continue the blame?
Realization is the elixir of life, for it allows us to truly recognize the folly, but it also allows us to
venture forward rather than allowing the past to swallow us whole;
Realization cleanses our mind of the horror, the trifles, the minutiae that constantly send it spinning out of control--
Each moment is so precious, so beautiful;
Life is an amazingly genius motion picture-- so full of animation, suspense, love, and even equivocation at times--
And to think, you, and you alone, are the creator
It's beautiful
It's miraculous
it's reality

9:23 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Exposed
Category: Writing and Poetry

An excuse to mask the pain--momentary, temporary bliss;
Sure it quells the pain, the unrelenting inner turmoil that constantly grips my mind:
an unyielding force so indescribably powerful, and strangely, so irresistably alluring--
It's ironic how we use pain to alleviate pain!
Avoidance, denial for the crux of my existence these days, consistently shredding my dignity and integrity;
How much longer can I feasibly run, dodge reality?
I tell myself I have the stamina, the ambition to keep going-- yet the fact is, I am running on empty, there is no where left for me to hide.....
The camaflaugue has worn away, disintegrated
Revealing every minute detail: a truly intimate, microscopic view of my naked self--
The loneliness, confusion and unbridled tears are on display for all to see;
For once, I cannot fabricate; I cannot conjure so pretty illusion--
I must accept myself for what I am: a sham and a fraud.
Humbly, I submit: I present to you the authentic me--
Scrutinize the blemishes, dissect the flaws...
I refuse to live this lie any longer...


Anxiety mounts; my thoughts are a jumbled, scattered, incoherent mess--
I've exposed myself, that bitterly haunting secret that has burdened me,
literally brought me to rock bottom.
I crave for, yearn for liberation and freedom; detachment; simplicity....
I am relinquishing the obsession, the addiction....
You serve as my witness--
I have divulged the secret--
and now I SURRENDER

8:31 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ultimate Decision
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Stricken with brooding uncertainty,
I tremulously walk the line agonizing, wondering:
How much further, how much longer?
Ah, the sweetness of reality: it brushes past me as I entangle myself with insidiously cumbersome trifles;
It is so seemingly simple; yet remarkably elegant and sophisticated—
Despite such obvious synchronistic eloquence, I grapple with unsubstantiated speculation;
Self-sabotage is my tragic flaw, for it injects my emotions with venomous fear;
Noisome , pungent thoughts invade my consciousness— No matter how much I admonish myself, in some sadistically twisted way, it inoculates me with a falsely euphoric sense of empowerment….
I have passively allowed myself to be controlled—my body, my mind has been manipulated and weakened….
Others have established the parameters, and I have meekly submitted:
This sojourn for identity has been a product of futility…..nothing more than a destructive path toward annihilation;
Identity is nothing more than a farce, a preoccupation with definition, image, —
A misperceived concept of individuality;
We all embark on this search with a nebulous destination—
with an idea that perfection exists;
Transfixed by a barrage of deluded expectations…
that prompt us to stray so far away from our essential being.
The solution to such angst is not complicated nor difficult to decipher….
We simply need to make the commitment, haver the dedication to release it all--
our attachment to others; our fear and preoccupations; our apprehensions—
Until we relinquish them that bitter uncertainty will persist;
The choice is mine, and mine alone:
I choose Forward movement or succumb to stagnation.

9:26 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment