Thanks to my buddy Dode (and Marc @ Amazing Pro Video) for helping me get this transferred and uploaded...
It was done live on the Comedy Central Stage for "Sit N' Spin" here in Hollywood several years ago, and I got lots of help writing it from an incredibly hilarious person whose name may or may not be Marshall. We were both huge fans of Phil Hartman. A few months from now will be ten years since his murder, but I hope Phil somehow knows this was done with deep love and lament:
Currently
listening
:
Get A Little
By
G. E. Smith and The Saturday Night Live Band
Sometimes* when I get a new batch of super-expensive marijuana, I like to drive around making impulse purchases of things I think might be delicious right at that moment. Here are tonight's reviews:
=============
1)Twix Java - Superb. A perfect mix of chocolate and coffee. And caramel and cookie. Or whatever else is in there, I don't know. But I can tell you this... it's some kind of crazy mocha choco-latte yaya, and you can gitchi gitchi yaya here. Gets more delicious as you chew it, then suddenly tastes like coffee grounds for about six seconds, and then it's delicious again. Enjoy.
2)Funyuns - I'm sad to report that Funyuns aren't nearly as good as I remembered them, and they are particularly vile after a Twix Java bar. This purchase was a clear mistake on my part, but the kids outside 7-11 thanked me profusely for the beer and cigarettes and condoms, so at least I feel like I did some good.
3) The third item in these blogs is almost always a rectum joke, for which I apologize. I'd usually list something like frozen organic blueberries, and say how soothing they were on my hemorrhoids without that frozen-fruity rectal aftertaste, blah blah blah - whatever. We all knew there was a rectum joke on the way next, so let's just imagine the hilarity that would've gone here and keep it moving, shall we? I mean, really... rectum jokes? What am I, four? C'mon.
4)Swedish Fish - The entire bag went into my asshole one-by-one like gay salmon up jizz river. Does that joke make sense? You kinda have to know that Swedish Fish are little soft red fish-shaped gummi candies, and that the gays really love their jism.
5)Munchos - Uhm... hello? I'm a stoner, not an imbecile. Who the fuck eats Munchos? Just because I might get high enough to forget how horrible Funyuns are every seventeen years doesn't mean ay carumba Chiquitita no puedo comer los Munchos! AHAHAHAHAHA
This month's sponsor: Dr. Glutshmeir P. Jingledonkulous' Real Olde Tymey Mouth Sweeties®
GIRL BLOG YAY!!!!
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Blogging
GIRL BLOG ONE
Yay!!!! OMG you guys I am SO in love with my new boyfriend!!!!!!!! He's the bestest in the world and we are soooooooo TOTALLY in love it's insane!!!! HAHA!
Does anybody have any good ideas on what to get him for Valentine's Day? I'm kinda new at this LOL!!!!
OMG you guys I totally have a new boyfriend OMG!!!!!!!!
GIRL BLOG TWO
OMG I am soooo crushed you guys omg I am not kidding even... what a giant asshole he turned out to be I am so sad now!!!! What was I thinking???? He never really loved me!!!! All he wanted was sex he never cared about my feelings even!!!!
OMG I am so sad I feel like I want to die.
I wish I were dead now.
GIRL BLOG THREE
I met a new guy he's kinda cute and seems nice but I don't know if I'm ready to date again yet we'll see :(
GIRL BLOG FOUR
OMG you guys I have a new boyfriend again!!!!!!!!!! I didn't think I would but now I do and he really cares for me I am so happy now!!!!
I changed my status back to in a relationship and posted a new folder with pix of just me and him so go leave us some comment love!!!! You know I will comment back LOL!!!!
OMG you guys I am so happy with my new boyfriend look how normal and successful I am now! My six cats all like him too and guess what he likes my cats even!!!! Isn't that the best????
OMG you guys I am SOOOOOOOO in love OMG I love you all!!!!!!!!
GIRL BLOG FIVE
I never thought a human being could endure this kind of pain. I am so sad and heartbroken I cannot tell you guys even OMG.
I deleted all the pix of us together and left a bag of burning cat shit in his car. I hope he dies.
GIRL BLOG SIX
OMG you guys GUESS WHAT????????
GIRL BLOG SEVEN
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIRL BLOG EIGHT
Does anybody know how to get a profile put on MyDeathSpace??? Or another good way to make somebody think you are dead?????
GIRL BLOG NINE
Yay I am so in love again and it feels awesome!!!! You guys OMG you totally have to meet my supercute new boyfriend even!!!! <3 <3 <3
GIRL BLOG TEN
Fuck you. You know who you are. And I know your reading this you fucking liar. I hate you. Do you hear me???? Your just like everyone else and I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
BLOG CONTROL CENTER
Current mood: triumphant
Category: Blogging
Blog Control Center! Blog Control Center! Come in, Blog Control Center! Can you hear me?
10-4, Gary! This is MySpace Blog Control Central, and you're comin' in wall-to-wall and treetop tall!
Roger that, Blog Control Centriloquism! Any good bliggery-bloggity out there today?
Piss-whips and candycanes, good buddy! We've got it shiny side up and greasy side down, c'mon back.
Well bitchslap my frenulum with your filthy uvula, Miss Twatface Johnson-Jones! We are bloggin' like a toboggan over here, and you can jack me all the way to Jizzville.
That's a big 10-4 to the max and bee-yond, compadre. Get your blogarrhea on!
THIS WEEK'S SECRET BLOG QUIZ*
Why does my penis smell like birthday cake?
a) my urease is naturally sweet
b) I just fucked a birthday cake
c) I am insane and constantly imagine that I smell birthday cake
d) I just fucked a birthday cake-scented other thing
e) Juan Ponce de León
Also, a warm welcome to all our new 2008 MySpace friends:
Zlip Fleebledoff Marvalena Smooke The Positive Experience Association Company Lezlie Vagitay David "Dave" Davis Harmon Littleplums Ted Buttshmeir Poony Malikizakas Jaime Feesh Amir Illusion Misty Mented Rumptasia! (The Podcast) Dippity Smiggens Fanny Hymen Dale "Pants-O-Matic" Jackson, comedian Khalsa K. Prandashuhamandalakashanandala Wesley Snips Humidor X. Grepstein The Queen of Belgium Mr. Jack Rudy
*(Answer to this week's Secret Blog Quiz - D!)
OMG you guys know what would be really funny? Tell all the Asian couples you know to start referring to themselves as "SPECIAL Asians." Then they could totally introduce themselves to people like, "I'm special Asian Mulder, and this is special Asian Scully." HAHA! Get it?
Currently
listening
:
23rd & Stout
By
Chuck E. Weiss
Release date: 09 October, 2006
COREY HAIM: Dude, I totally Supermanned your girlfriend last night.
COREY FELDMAN: What do you mean?
COREY HAIM: I waited till she fell asleep, and then came on her back and pulled the sheet over it, so when she woke up with the sheet stuck to her back, it looked like a cape! HAHA!
COREY FELDMAN: I don't get it. Why isn't that called Batmanning someone? Batman wears a cape too, ass-munch.
COREY HAIM: Douche-nozzle, I did it to your GIRLFRIEND. That's the joke.
COREY FELDMAN: How would you Peyton Manning someone? Shove a football up their vudgy?
COREY HAIM: Okay, first of all... it really creeps everybody out when you say "Vudgy." And secondly, Peyton Manning doesn't wear a cape.
COREY FELDMAN: How do you know? Did you fuck him, too?
(they kiss)
Part Two
COREY HAIM: Dude, I pulled a Jesus Christ on your girlfriend last night.
COREY FELDMAN: Let me guess... you came in her ears, and then sucked it out to cure her deafness?
COREY HAIM: No, I beat her and then buried her alive. I'll let her out in three days.
COREY FELDMAN: Oh. Well... are you going to start a new religion based around her, then? Because if not, your analogy really doesn't work.
COREY HAIM: Are you seriously retarded? The joke is that I did it to your GIRLFRIEND.
COREY FELDMAN: But I always thought of YOU as my girlfriend, so why don't you go fuck yourself?
(they kiss)
Part Three
COREY HAIM: Dude, I totally Pauly Shored your girlfriend last night.
COREY FELDMAN: You mean you killed her career by being seen with her in public?
COREY HAIM: Yep.
(kiss and FADE OUT)
P.S. Watch the cool short movie I'm in written by my buddies Keith Blaney and Mike Benitez - go to:
COCKFUCKING SHITBERRIES
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Blogging
Have you ever been wearing sweatpants, and pulled both your sweatpants and your underpants down together quickly because you really had to pee, and then not realized that you only pulled your sweatpants back up afterwards and your underpants were still at your knees, and you tried to waddle away but fell down in the grass, and then the cunty Italian mother refused to pay you because she said you ruined her child's birthday party, when CLEARLY all the kids had a great time?
Hello... I'm Lindsay Wagner.
Perhaps some of you remember me from my recent television appearance on the 1994 Bob Hope Christmas special.
Personal question... how well did you sleep last night, hmmn? Are you tense, worried, or depressed? Do you worry about your depression, are you depressed about your tension, or just tense because your vagina isn't quite what it used to be?
Wouldn't you love a mattress with independent firmness control on both sides at the touch of a button? That's not just another bad clitoris joke, it's also some kind of expensive high-tech remote control that I don't really understand. Hey, is there a weird smell in here or is it my cooch? Does anyone know? Do you smell it, too? Is that me? What?
Anywho, if you're still awake, then the problem could be your bed. I auditioned for the voice-over on that new Vagisil commercial, but I kept giggling when they made me repeat the words "Better intimate care," and now I'll play anything from a deaf nun to a French whore. Does this outfit make me look a little too catalog-y?
YEAR IN REVIEW
Current mood: fermented
Category: Blogging
2007 RECAP
It takes a real man to admit when he's wrong, and I will say here and now for the record that my new catch phrase for 2007 - "Jesus nigger Hitler" - did NOT take off as I'd hoped. For that matter, neither did "AIDS-alicious," or "thirty miles to Bonertown." I attribute the delay in public acceptance to the growing anti-Semitism of the far left. And if there's anything I hate more than a self-loathing Jew, it's dirty thieving Puerto Ricans.
IN THE NEWS
As it was in 2006, the most inspirational story this year had to be the countless zeroes and zeroes of peace-loving Muslims that finally came forward to speak out against the murderous fanatics and megalomaniacal extremists who continue to shit on their totally non-violent religion. Great job, Islamic pacifists! Thanks for showing everyone that you're still in charge. Please join your psychotic fundamentalist cousins in holy martyrdom immediamente, por favor.
FUNNIEST THING EVER
The winner of our "Funniest Thing Ever In All Of History Contest" was, once again, without a doubt... Lake Titicaca.
For those of you who don't know, Lake Titicaca is indeed real, and it's in Peru. It's the highest lake in the world, and by far the most hilarious thing ever. Nothing even runs a close second. (Bangkok? Please.)
STONIEST THING EVER
Underwater lava.
WORST COFFEE IN THE UNIVERSE
The worst coffee in all of creation is at KTLK, 1150 AM Progressive Talk radio in beautiful Burbank, California.
ALL-TIME GREAT VOCABULARY WORDS IN SONG LYRICS:
Van Morrison - "Fantabulous" John Fogerty - "Chooglin'" Steve Miller - "Pompitous"
NEW VOCABULARY WORDS IN SONG LYRICS FOR WHICH WE ARE STILL AWAITING AN EXPLANATION:
Phil Collins - "Sussudio"
MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS 2007
Since my Bindi Sue Irwin show was posted on YouTube, I am now the most hated person in Australia. Are any of you reviled by an entire continent? I don't fucking think so. (Have you seen it yet? Bindi Sue Show)
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN 2008
The big question on everyone's mind is - could I possibly get any cuter? Well, I took a poll of some random numbers in my cell phone just now at 4:40 AM, and the overwhelming majority response was "You're such a fucking asshole, Gary." And YET... we here at Gary's blog predict EVEN MORE CUTENESS next year!
How is that possible? Where will all the additional cuteness come from? Whence cometh more adorabilia? Who talks like this?
I myself find it hard to believe that we are now seven years into the new millennium, and yet we, as a society, still have not found the answers to these five basic questions:
1) Whatcha gonna do? 2) Do you want to get down? 3) Whatcha gonna do? 4) Do you want to get down? 5) How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance? By standing on the wall?
I realize that's really six questions because number five is a combo, but it's really also only four questions if you count three and four as just repeats of one and two, and if you're going by the actual song then it's really ten questions, because one through four repeat. So apparently, we can't even agree on how many fucking questions there are. Regardless, I still say the answer is to get your back up off the wall. Also, would a handjob kill any of you? Seriously.
GAY AS A FISH PICNIC
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Blogging
Yesterday, my psychiatrist had the nerve to question the existence of my new twin girlfriends, Vaska and Zaska - the world's first and only conjoined plus-size supermodels. So what if there isn't really an upscale BBW gentleman's club called Jiggly Puff's where I claimed to be a VIP? The joke's still on him, because I don't even have a psychiatrist, and oh by the way if I'm so mentally unwell... how did I invent a way to travel through space and time using stuff that's just lying around the average apartment? Here's all you need:
- really expensive marijuana
- Orajel
- five (8) Q-Tips
- tincture of cocaine
- CD of ambient nature sounds
- however many Vicodin you have left
- intimate knowledge of the cosmos on a subatomic level
- close, personal relationship w/G-d
- lava lamp
- Gatorade
- warm socks
- an erection
- about $160 cash - highly developed sense of irony
- some experience at ending blogs well
- general obliviousness to the moment a comedic premise loses its ability to amuse
- trail mix or protein bar
Everyone get your shit together and we'll meet back here in an hour.
COLD SIDE OF THE PILLOW
Current mood: artistic
Category: Blogging
As I'm sure many of you are already aware, I have been deeply involved over the past three decades with a personal scientific research project, attempting to quantify the long-term effects of sustained cannabis inhalation on the mind of the super-genius.
Sometimes, this leads me to do stupid things... like unknowingly double-book myself for the same night without making sure I'd have enough cocaine first. For example, tomorrow night (Thursday), 8:00 PM at Comedy Central:
With our all-star line-up…
Eddie Pepitone John Levenstein Davis McHenry Ben Wexler Jonathan Schmock and Andersen Gabrych
Special musical guests Perch & Nander! (me and Rick Overton)
The show is free, but you MUST make a reservation (323) 960-5519
* * * *
And if that's not enough - how about some sizzlin' burlesque next?
Immediately following Sit N' Spin, join us out at El Cid at 10:00 PM for Victory Variety Hour's all-new SPANISH FLY!
This month, VVH welcomes:
"Miss Aftershock" herself, KELLITA from San Francisco's Hot Pink Feathers From Buckingham Burlesque, CHARLOTTE LA BELLE ARAIGNE'E (doing her infamous Dios De La Muerta dance)
Our own "Filler Bunny," the hilariously sexy DIZZY VON DAMN
Plus scarring grooves and dissonant beauty from THE SECRET SOCIETY OF THE SONIC 6
Don't forget those dirty, flirty NUDIE KEWPIES
And I'll be hosting the entire show in bad Spanglish hahaha :(
$12 cover (print flyer for discount): itsachick.com/vvh.html ==================================
And now... in solidarity with our fellow strikers in the WGA, I hereby unabashedly present the most poorly-written thing I've ever blogged:
MY NEW IMAGINARY INTERVIEW WITH JENNIFER FLAVIN STALLONE
ME: Jennifer, welcome to the blog.
JFS: I'm excited to be here, Gary! Thank you for having me.
ME: My pleasure! Okay, first question... who was the bigger Jerry Lewis fan, your mom or your dad?
JFS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, your middle name's Flavin.
JFS: Flavin is my maiden name. I hyphenated it when I married Sly.
ME: So you're saying no one ever came up to you your whole life doing a bad Jerry Lewis impression yelling "Flavin! Flaaaaaaaavin! Hey Lady! Bwahaaaa," etc.?
JFS: Um... no.
ME: Oh, you're full of shit! You are SO full of shit! C'mon! Nobody ever yelled "Flavin" at you like Jerry Lewis? You're full of shit.
JFS: (walks off)
Currently
listening
:
The Honeydrippers, Vol. 1
By
Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers
Release date: 03 April, 2007
My favorite commercial right now is the ad for 1-800-PET-MEDS, where Betty White very nonchalantly uses both her hands to hold up four boxes of doggie vitamin supplements that are obviously taped or glued together in a way that absurdly defies gravity. Did no one on the set that day pass 5th grade science and think that looked a little strange?
OTHER THINGS IN CURRENT COMMERCIALS OF WHICH I AM DUBIOUS:
"Everyone's wild about Good Luck Chuck!"
Who participated in this poll? Were any of you asked? How could they have been saying that before the movie was released? It's this kind of specious puffery that really chafes my culo.
"I have genital herpes..." "And I don't."
Whatever you say, man. Hope that works out well for you.
"Disaronno on the rocks."
Is this the year that dumbshit Amaretto bartender finally bangs the horny redhead? Dude, she's LICKING the ice cubes right IN YOUR FACE. Take her in the back room and stop embarrassing us all.
THIS WEEK'S DRUG TIP:
Do NOT, under any circumstances, do ANY cocaine on a day when you have to go in for an echocardiogram. It'll fuck up the readings, and a lot of medical-looking type people will start interrogating you about your lifestyle, and spontaneous erections are the last thing you want to explain while you're wearing a backless paper gown, believe me.
Side effects of this blog may include: suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicidal rage, homicidal fantasies, rectal tinnitus, colonic poltergeists, headache, nausea, jism farts, esophageal diarrhea, Question Mark & The Mysterians, shortness of death, loss of pants, and Hello Larry.
Currently
listening
:
Secret Combination
By
Randy Crawford
Release date: 25 October, 1990
ashamed
understimulated
triumphant
catalyzed
fermented
indescribable
artistic
weird
