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Wednesday, August 15, 2007
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Quote
"This is a fault common to all singers, that among their friends they will never sing when they are asked; unasked, they will never desist."
-Horace, Roman poet
12:14 AM
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1 Comments - 1 Kudos
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Friday, May 04, 2007
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A Devil's Dictionary for Musicians
A
A CAPPELLA. Pocketing the accompanist's fee by performing alone.
ABBANDONAMENTE. The cessation of child-support by a divorced musician.
ABRUPT CADENCE. A solo performer's memory lapse.
ACCELERANDO. The natural tendency to rush a series of eighth or sixteenth notes.
AMATEUR. A concert artist who is reduced to making a living as a dentist or orthopedic surgeon.
ATTACCA. A prison in Italy famous for violent uprisings.
B
B. (1) A note either sharp or flat but rarely natural. (2) A music conservatory student's grade that leads to the loss of a scholarship and ulcers for the parents.
BARITONE. A tenor lacking high notes.
BOW. A weapon of wood and horsehair wielded by string-players to attack their instruments and poke out the eyes of stand-partners.
BRASS. Orchestral weapons of mass aural destruction.
BURDEN. (1) A song's refrain. (2) A bagpipe's drone. (3) A musician's family.
BURLESCA. An Italian maestro conducting a German opera.
C
CALMATO. A Greek olive.
CALORE, CON. The cuisine of overweight opera singers.
CANON. The chaos ensuing after a musician makes a wrong entrance and stubbornly refuses to drop out.
CAVATINA. A tiny cavity in an opera singer's tooth.
CHAMBER ORCHESTRA. The survivors of a symphony's budget cutback.
COMIC OPERA. An opera in which no one gets murdered except the composer.
COPERTO. A concerto dedicated to a policeman.
CREMONA. A Strad made in Cleveland.
CROTCHET. An elderly orchestra member who refuses to retire.
D
DA CAPO. The personnel manager of an orchestra in Sicily.
DIATONIC. A soda containing no sugar.
DIVISI. A symphony orchestra during contract negotiations.
DOMINANT. The mother or spouse of a concert artist.
E
EINGANG. A visiting foreign orchestra in Vienna.
EXPOSITION. A musical theme presented early, while the audience is still awake.
F
FA. An Italian F, and an angry Italian maestro's precursor of muttered curses for musician's mistakes.
FIDDLE. The instrument played by a second-violinist.
FIFTH. A bottle frequently stowed in the instrument cases of brass-players.
FLAUTIST. A pretentious flute-player; also known as a flauntist.
FULL ORCHESTRA. An ensemble of musicians performing immediately after a heavy meal.
G
GEFALLEN. A musician fired from the Berlin Philharmonic.
GENTILEMENTE. Musicians who are not Jewish.
GRACE NOTE. A note printed too small to be seen, and too fast to be played.
GROUND BASS. A minced fish delicious with black bean sauce.
GUEST CONDUCTOR. A foreign maestro short of cash.
H
HARMONIC. A deliberate squeak on a stringed instrument.
HEXACHORD. To jinx a chord with a wrong note.
I
IMPERFECT CADENCE. A musical ending marred by a musician hanging onto a note.
INHARMONIC RELATION. A musician's mother-in-law.
INNER VOICE. The conscience of a tyrannical conductor and faking musician.
L
LA. The syllable sung by singers when forgetting lyrics.
LARGHETTO. A big urban area inhabited by an ethnic minority.
LEGATO. An Italian cat.
LIGATURE. A Band-Aid for holding bleeding notes together.
LYRE. A living musician who claims to have played under Toscanini.
M
MANUSCRIPT. Indecipherable music.
MEISTERSINGER. A German opera singer with a good press agent.
MESSA, MESSE. A disastrous musical performance.
MIRLITON. A laxative for musicians past 50.
MOVABLE DO. Negotiable stolen bank notes.
MUSICA SACRA. A chronic pain in the lower back of musicians.
N
NEIGHBOR-TONES. The sound of a stereo or Steinway from an adjoining or overhead apartment.
NICHT SCHLEPPEN. Fast as hell.
NONETTO. An undistinguished Italian maestro; a nobody.
O
OBERWERK. A common complaint of musicians and opera singers.
OBOE. A double-reed instrument played by a conical bore.
OCARINA. The breakfast cereal of Italian opera singers.
OMNITONIC. A high-test fuel for a small foreign car.
OPERA. A musical drama that is either tragic or comic, depending on the sobriety and waistlines of its singers.
OPERA BUFF. A maniacal person who, when asked the time of day, will provide a comparison of tenors and coloraturas.
ORCHESTRATION. Work for a music arranger with connections.
P
PADEREWSKI. A musician's small apartment in Poland.
PADIGLIONE. A musician's large apartment in Italy.
PASSING NOTES. A musician's successful cashing of counterfeit bills.
PHILHARMONIC PITCH. A fund-raising plea for a symphony orchestra.
PIANO. (1) Not soft enough. (2) A keyboard instrument invented by the moving-van industry to insure its prosperity.
PIU. An exclamation heard from listeners at a malodorous musical performance.
POLYPHONY. Many musicians talking simultaneously at an orchestra meeting.
PRESTO. Unplayable; a blur.
PRIMGEIGER. A German violinist with a starched shirt and pressed tux.
PRIMO. The loudest player in an ensemble.
PROMPTER. A conductor concealed in a box because he cannot afford a tux.
R
RABBIA, CON. (1) A musician afflicted with rabies. (2) In the company of rabbis.
RADICAL BASS. A male singer with a low voice and left-wing ideas.
RECAPITULATION. A reminder of a theme better forgotten.
RELATIVE PITCH. Recommending a cousin for a gig.
REPRISE. Rehiring a fired musician.
RIVERSO. A musician or opera singer's sex-change surgery.
RUBATO. (1) Criminal musical license for a performer. (2) A mugged musician.
RUNS. A severed gastric disorder of musicians on tour.
S
SALTERELLO. An Italian canapé cracker.
SCENARIO. An altercation between opera singers and conductors at a dress rehearsal.
SCHWINGUNG. A jazz band in Germany.
SFUMATO. An opera orchestra pit sprayed by an exterminator.
SHOFAR. A Jewish French horn.
SLUR. A remark made by one musician or singer about another.
SPINTO. An unmarried soprano.
STABILE. A musician with a steady job.
STOLLEN. A musician's wallet missing in a Berlin bar.
STRAD. A violin probably made in Wisconsin or New Jersey.
STRAPPATO. A musician deeply in debt.
SUBDOMINANT. An assistant conductor.
SUPERDOMINANT. A conductor's wife.
T
TIME SIGNATURE. Bulova, Gruen, etc.
TONE ROW. Condemned notes awaiting execution.
TRANSCRIPTION. A pirate tape.
TREBLE. A conductor's salary compared to a musician's.
TRIAD. Three musicians rooted with a perfect fifth in a bar.
TRIANGLE. Two violists in love with a harpist.
U
UNISON. Almost together.
UP-BEAT. A sudden gesture of a conductor's baton before a bar-line that invariably causes a premature entrance from one or more musicians.
V
VALSE. An exclamation from a German conductor when a musician plays out of tune.
VILLA LOBOS. A resort in the Catskills.
VOLANTE. A musician high on drugs.
VOLUNTARY. A concert with bouncing checks.
VOX ANGELICA. An opera singer with a high salary.
VOX HUMANA. An opera singer with a medium salary.
W
WALDSTEIN SONATA. A piano piece dedicated to a Bronx grocer.
WALPURGISNACHT. A Saturday evening opera performance after a long matinée.
WOODWIND. A wooden instrument blown by a brazen cane-raiser.
Y
YODEL. A yell from a Swiss yokel.
Z
ZUG. The slide of a trombone, and the sound of a trombonist guzzling beer.
5:00 PM
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3 Comments - 5 Kudos
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
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This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint...
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
10:14 AM
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5 Comments - 7 Kudos
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Tuesday, January 09, 2007
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Whenever you need to laugh
go to this site
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
4:45 PM
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
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I Love...
Current mood:  grateful
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I LOVE MY FRIENDS!! If you are reading this than you are probably one of the awesome super supportive people that I call friend.
Thank you for being there for me and don't be surprised if I call you in the near future.
I Love you!! |
3:12 PM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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Monday, November 06, 2006
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Life is a rollercoaster.
Remember when you used to like the thrill of riding a rollercoaster? The ups and the downs? Well this last week has been a complete rollercoaster for me. Some rollercoasters are fun and don't get me wrong, this one was thrilling at times. But usually a rollercoaster starts out big and ends small. This one- it started out big, then it threw in a couple of mean loops and unexpected turns and right when I thought the ride was over and I could get off, the ride had one more surprise for me, for the finale, the last hill dropped so fast I lost my breath to scream.
7:16 AM
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2 Comments - 2 Kudos
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Sunday, March 12, 2006
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Thoughts
We are a generation of dabblers and wanderers. Our parents' parents didn't support them in what they wanted to do, so our parents told us we can do anything. So now I am under the illusion that I can do anything "if I put my mind to it." And I want it all. I want the world. I want to be a rock star, opera star, that dances at night and teaches during the day, while styling hair, treating sick animals, and talking to the other realm. What do I need to do?...prioritize, find out what I am going to settle with, but until then... I wander and dabble until I find what it is I am suppose to do this time around.
11:24 AM
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3 Comments - 3 Kudos
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