Same Sex Marriages. My Jack Assed Opinion and Why You Are Wrong.
Well, California has started having same sex marriages.
Good for them!
I never understood the problem people have with same sex marriages or homosexuality in the first place. Ya, I know, some people have religious reasons and think it is a sin and God hates fags, and all that crap.
Well they are wrong. I know they are wrong because I spoke to God, and It told me those people are full of shit, and although God does not hate anyone, if It did, those intolerant, bigots would be near the top of Its' list. But since God loves and tolerates everyone, and there is no Hell, God told me the only punishment these bigots will get is a slap to the back of the head when they reach the after life, and a stearn, "What were you thinking?" (Seriously, God is pretty hip once you get to know It better, and is also a surprisingly good cook.)
I think the arguement that I have heard that makes the least sense, is that allowing homosexuals to marry will damage traditional heterosexual marriages.
How!?!
Well, I never can seem to get an answer on that one. How does two homosexuals being married impact your marriage in any way, shape or form? You're still married. If your marriage is so fragile that two married homosexuals down the street will endanger it, I guarantee that your marriage sucks already and the gays getting hitched is not your biggest problem.
Oh. Wait. I get it. A lot of the opponents to same sex marriage are worried that if the option to marry the same sex exists, they will be forced to go gay. Because that is the only thing stopping most people from being gay, is that marriage isn't available. Why would anyone marry the opposite sex when you can marry one of your own and avoid all those Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus issues?
Why should I put up with some bitchy woman on her period once a month, when I can marry my best buddy, and enjoy a football game in peace?
You ever ask yourself the question, "Whose dick do I have to suck to get a little peace and quiet around here?" Well if I marry a man, now I have an answer to that question. And as far as sex goes, I bet I can convince my new husband that we would both be happier going out and picking up some chicks, because as cool as this same sex marriage thing is, I need a little poon tang once in a while. I know this would not be a problem, because any man I found worthy of marrying would like pussy as much as I do... duh.
I know, I know. I'd make a horrible gay man. My girlfriend tells me that all the time. Plus I have an overly sensitive gag reflex.
Seriously though, I don't think marriage should even be a legal institution, but since that isn't going to go away anytime soon, I totally support same sex marriages, because this is America and slowly but surely we will give everyone the same rights and treatment as everyone else. I know America's track record on living up to that is shit, and if you disagree ask a Native American, an immigrant, a black person or a woman,... hell ask anyone. We all get screwed in one way or another, but at least this is one wrong that is being righted and I support it whole heartedly.
If you are one of those people opposed to same sex marriage, you need to pull the stick out of your butt and stop trying to make other people live by your rules. By the way, it is not hard to remove the stick from your butt, as I am sure you can clearly see it being that your head is up there too. Just grab it with your teeth and it will come out when you pull your head out. Now go take a shower. Your hair smells, and you should probably brush your teeth too.
Finally, I will point out my only reservation about whether legalizing same sex marriage is the right thing to do. The only problem I see with same sex marriage is that if you do not have sex before marriage, you could be in for a rude surprise on your honeymoon when you realize your wife has an eight inch clitoris and no vagina. But I don't advocate saving sex for marriage either.
Go read it... I'll wait... discussion will begin in just a minute.
OK, now that your back, tell me, didn't that picture just scream, "Death to America?"
I swear, there must be no better place to promote Muslim extremism, than in a Dunkin' Donuts ad.
Nothing shows support for terrorists like a ditzy cook from the Food Network, of Sicilian and Cajun descent, who is such a corporate whore, that she will be a spokesperson for donuts. But just in case it wasn't already screaming at you to strap on some explosives and claim your 72 virgins, they put in a scarf.
Holy crap! How am I supposed to resist that? And the children! What about our children?
Now all I want to do is change religions, and car bomb something, and it is all the fault of Dunkin' Donuts, Rachael Ray and most of all... that damned scarf.
...
Whew! That was close. I just saw a truck ad and I am back to my usual patriotic, red-blooded, American self.
So many levels of irony. - This outsourcing shit has to stop.
OK, I'm out of work and on unemployment. I have been working on the phones in various customer service roles over the last several years. Being that I am unemployed, the state of Texas provides me with a Chase bank card, to pay me the unemployment insurance that is due to me.
So far so good.
Well I was online and had a question about the available balance. Since the Chase website does not show pending charges, I just wanted to confirm what was there, to make sure I don't spend more than I have, so I call the bank to speak to someone.
I get a guy who is obviously not from the U.S., which does not mean he is not here in the U.S. But, since they are asking for name and Social Security numbers and account numbers, I thought I would ask where the guy was because I know a lot of fraud and identity theft occur outside of the U.S.
So I ask him, "What country are you in?"
"For security purposes, I can not give out that information."
... (blink)
"You can't tell me what country you are in?"
"No, sir. For security reasons I can not give the location of this facility."
"You're in India, aren't you?"
"For security purposes, I can not give out that information."
"Let me talk to your supervisor."
"I'll get a supervisor on the line, please hold."
So, at this point I am hoping to get someone in the U.S. or at least an Indian with a little more sense.
"Hello, my name is (insert generic American sounding name here), I am a supervisor here, how may I help you?"
Well I had some questions about my account, but I do want to know what country I am calling first, and the previous agent would not tell me. So, first off, I want to know, what country are you in?"
"For security purposes, I can not give out that information."
"Are you in the U.S."
"For security purposes, I can not give out that information."
"Are you in India?"
"For security purposes, I can not provide you with the location of our center."
"OK, are you on the North American continent?"
"I can not give out that information."
"What planet are you on?"
"I can not give out that information. Is there something else I can do to assist you?"
It was somewhere around here that I gave up and told him that, if he can't tell me what country or planet he is on, that he can not help me, and I ended the call.
I eventually called back and got a nice girl, here in the U.S. Who was hoping that she would not get in trouble for providing that information, but figured it was generic enough of a location that she could respond to me.
I just find it ironic that I am having a hard time finding work doing exactly the kind of work these people do, thus I am on unemployment and having to call them, in India, for support on my unemployment insurance account.
This is just another fine example of American business practices, and your taxes working hard to help your fellow Americans.
(The system isn't broken. Go back to sleep America. Everything is fine. There is nothing to see here.)
I got the idea in Nightmare Factory when one of the girls split her pants in the Jail scene. I thought it would be funny to have a vampire teeth up there, or something. If there was a way to make it scream, even better.
But somehow, B-Movie Hollywood has stolen other ideas of mine as well.
http://www.poultrygeistmovie.com/video/trailer/ I even had a joke about how I wanted to make a movie about a family haunted by the ghost of a chicken and call it Poultrygeist. And now it is an actual movie.
And of course...
http://www.ramcoproductions.com/films/clownporn/index.php I could totally make this way more funny. I thought of this years ago, but think there are plenty of gags you can do, honking clown noses, money shots with confetti and/or seltzer water, and of course some sort of clown car joke with 50 clowns crawling out of a vagina.
It doesn't seem like it would be very hard to be a weightlifting coach. I mean as far as the training portion, it seems like it would just be telling someone, "Go lift that. Good job! Now do it again."
They just seem unnecessary, especially when you get to a weightlifting competition.
"Coach, that guy just lifted 400 pounds. What do we do now?"
Coach calls a timeout to consider his options, he finally decides on a course of action.
"I was hoping to save this plan for later in the competition, but they forced our hand. I want you to go out there and lift ten pounds more than he did."
