How do I make money off the fact that I predicted Joe Biden for VP as far back as Spring 2005?
Current mood: See, I told you so!

About five months after John Kerry lost the election,
I did karaoke at the M-Bar in Hollywood and had the host introduce me as Joe Biden.
I took the stage as, "Joe Biden, your next Vice President of the United States!"
And I rocked "Peg" by Steely Dan. One in my arsenal of jams.

There is no evidence that this occurred.
I had recently moved to Los Angeles, so I was there alone, and didn't know anyone in the place.
This was before youtube - before Kramer got his big post-Seinfeld gig as a racist.
There was no way to share 1.3 MegaPixel cellphone video clips with the world.
Then again, I wasn't famous, so no one would have been recording my karaoke performance, anyway.

It's a shame myspace won't let me backdate a blog by 3 1/2 years.

I even remember the karaoke host's name that night. His name was Mike. Simply, "Mike".
Mike, if you're out there...  and you have broadband...

-

You're just going to have to believe me when I say that, the day after George Bush was re-elected President
- and once it was clear that the world would continue to exist (because people had doubts at that point) -
I KNEW Joe Biden would be the next Vice President of the United States.
I even created a user profile on my laptop named Joe Biden.
This is all true.

I just wanna say, "I Told You So!"

I told you so!
I told you so, and now I want my money.
I want money for being insightful.
I want the 24 hour news cycle to pay for a luxurious new lifestyle for me and for anyone who reads this blog.

-

If you want to know HOW I knew it would be Biden...
that's a line of deductive reasoning that deserves a whole other posting.
Or, I can set up a 1-800 number and you can call me and we can chat about:
Q scores, political theory, party politics, hair plugs,
the expanded foreign policy role of the Vice Presidency in real terms, and the military industrial complex in general.

Because every good conversation must end with a discussion about the military industrial complex.

6:12 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Can someone tell me what the hell the New York Times is doing to Charlie Rangel?

Nixon wasn't treated this bad, and he even SUED them!

9:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

7’9" Native American Wiccan Body builder who makes $250,000 and Higher

Stop using Hobbit Avatars for your profile pic while naming yourself
"Hari Krishna ButterNutz Camaraderie Mobile"

It makes it impossible for anyone to find you on myspace,
after meeting you at a party.

2:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s called, "The Pennant", not "League Championship Series"

There was a time when winning the Pennant meant a helluva lot in baseball.
But ever since they started referring to the Pennant in recent years as the League Championship Series, or "LCS",
it's become less a noble competitive campaign,
and more a tag for sports announcers:

"...slow-roller to 2nd, this should do it, the throw to 1st...
AND THE [TEAM'S NAME] ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!"

When it's supposed to be:

"AND THE [TEAM'S NAME] HAVE WON THE PENNANT!!!!!"

They actually won something. Something BIG.
They didn't just earn the RIGHT to win something.
They won. Just now. They're winners. See, look.
They're even hugging on the field.
In a big pile.
The catcher didn't bother to remove his shin guards
and now they're digging into the pitcher's back.
The shortstop is a skinny kid from Kissimmee, Florida
and he can't breath at the bottom of the pile.
The bullpen coach finally gets to be on television.



Besides, you'd think hyping the Pennant as a big, big deal
would build MORE excitement for the playoffs,
not diminish the importance of the World Series.

6:29 PM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Sixth Anniversary of conspiracists run amok

After watching a re-broadcast of the real-time NBC footage from September 11th, 2001,
it is very clear to me that all the 9/11 conspiracy theorists are terribly, TERRIBLY misguided.
Their inability to cope with the reality of those events has driven them to an anti-social escapism.

Like video gamers or Second Lifers, immersed in a virtual realm, rife with the excitement they feel is lacking in their jobs,
relationships, gardening acumen, and shot-putting technique.

We should all focus our energies on more positive forms of interaction.
No more banners proclaiming death to this, or death to that.

Paint rainbows on blighted urban buildings,
drop wells of potable water for all of Africa,
plant flowers in Osama Bin Laden's eye sockets.

11:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I support the troops!

I paid my taxes

3:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Inside Al Sharpton's datebook (Say Al, can you do lunch on Thursday?)

"I'm going after five record companies this Thursday."

3:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Analysis of the whole Don Imus thing

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have been shaking down corporations for DECADES.
The swiftness and scope with which their infrastructure was able to pull off this week's coup
is as disturbing as the effectiveness of the religious fundamentalist right.

Sharpton and Jackson can serve a valuable social role by giving voice to the voiceless,
those who refuse to vote,
or those who don't have the wealth to consolidate power on their own.

But this is scary.

They freely admit it's not just about Imus; that this case is a stepping stone in a broader agenda.
They want to institute a wave of political correctness
that will dwarf the one which swept over this country in the early 90s.
Their agenda makes Tipper Gore's PMRC rantings from the 80s look like child's play
(or some more creative simile, perhaps.)
Do they want to legislate words? I don't know, those rappers say some pretty nasty things.

Kudos to Sharpton's National Action Network and Jackson's Rainbow Coalition
for getting all those sponsors on board, but just remember,
whenever the right-wing does this, we scream "Censorship".

Policing thought, culture, and speech is dangerous stuff.

Changing language doesn't change people's underlying conditions.
It just obfuscates reality and creates a chilling effect on true dialogue.
Now, I might have made that up, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

Imus and his writers never made me laugh, but that isn't a crime.
Not yet.

3:37 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

The George Will Smackdown

If you blinked last Sunday,
you missed the look that George Will shot George Stephanopoulos
when Stephanopoulos gave the last word of the roundtable debate
to Richard Stenger, and not to Will, on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos".

That shit was HOTT, yo!!! Damn!!!
Tilted head, raised eyebrow, and everythin'

Richard Stenger, the editor of "TIME" magazine,
who chose a mirror for "Person of the Year" over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

They should call it:
"Helping Keep the American People in the Dark on the Issues of our Time Magazine"

3:43 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Comic Relief 2006: It’s No Joke

There were many solid and professional performances at this year's Comic Relief.
I'm not here to take anything away from the tremendous effort
everyone put forth to raise money for Katrina victims.
I am here to make wise-ass observations from the safety of a keyboard.

Here's what I found funny:

- A real life shuck n' jive negro boy parading behind Billy Crystal
during 9 minutes of the worst Louis Armstrong impression ever.

- A remote piece where Billy Crystal promises to come back to New Orleans
and paint an 85 year old black man's house.

- Tom Arnold forcing an 85 year old black man to line dance with big-titted women.

- Robin & Whoopi can't read a teleprompter, nor do they care.

- Billy Crystal finally looks like my Grandma Sally.

- Ray Romano likes to say "uhhh" a lot, between each sentence.

- Hosts at comedy open-mics put more effort into bringing up the comics
than Billy, Robin, and Whoopi.

- Bill Maher's outsized sense of confidence and self-congratulatory attitude
remain unwavering, even though joke after joke after joke
is received with dead silence.

- Bill Clinton needs to update his material. The act has officially worn thin.
We get it, more people like you than the guy we've got now.

- I will never get work in this business if I do not remove this blog entry immediately.

- Bob Zmuda has a pony tail.

1:09 PM - 5 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment