EIGHT REMARKABLY OFFENSIVE 9-11 CANDIES
Current mood: peevish

Nestle's Allahu Ak-Bar
Horrific-'N'-Plenty
3 Jihadeteers
Attempted LifeSavers
FEZ
Ju-hater-jyfruits
Mounds
Now and Tragically Later

1:01 AM - 4 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

M.A.D.D. LIB

By the time young Johnny jumped into his __(noun)__ and started __(gerund)__, he was well above the legal limit for __(noun)__. He had __(past-tense verb)__ at least 40 ounces of __(noun)__, and was not able to properly __(verb)__. His __(noun)__ veered out of control, and slammed into three oncoming __(plural noun)__, before coming to rest on a __(noun)__. Police reached the scene nine minutes later. What they found left them __(adjective)__. There was twisted __(noun)__ everywhere. A three-month-old __(noun)__ was found __(adjective)__ on the __(noun)__ nearby. An elderly woman had __(noun)__ protruding from her __(noun)__. Witnesses to the __(noun)__ were __(adjective)__. As for Johnny, his entire life was __(adjective)__. And so were the lives of the four other __(plural noun)__ who were __(adjective)__ enough to cross paths with him on that fateful __(noun)__.

7:17 PM - 2 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

15 HORRIBLE IDEAS FOR NEW CONSUMER PRODUCTS
Current mood: productive

"The Clapper" pacemaker
100%-cotton candy
Chunk-style Pepto Bismol
Pro-perspirant
"GI Who?": The Unknown-Soldier Doll
Microwave stoves
Driver's side "surprise" airbags
Combination pencil/thermometers
Braille coloring books
Counterpart candy to Almond Joy: "Almond Despair"
Cheddar Listerine
Glass swimwear
"Ouch!": The Vaccine Board Game
NyQuil Cola
Kellogg's "Razor Bran"

9:36 PM - 8 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

WARS TO COME
Current mood: working

I predict that, after this War on Terror is finished, there will be a smaller and more peculiar "War on Dismay."

10:25 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

PEACE SYMBOLS

The best thing about peace symbols is that they sort of remind you of looking at an innocent Iraqi civilian through a scope.

6:56 PM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

MY APARTMENT

If these walls could talk, it would be a vast improvement over the inarticulate gibberish they've been coming out with lately.

5:33 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

UNCLE STEWART

My Uncle Stewart, who is blind, insists that there's no significant difference between Japanese poetry and stucco.

6:22 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

ZAPRUDER

I highly recommend the director's cut of the Zapruder film, mainly because of the addition of those adorable kids.

7:42 PM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

MAKE-A-WISH

I've filled out a few applications in my time, but the Make-A-Wish Foundation has the fucking weirdest set of prerequisites I have ever seen.

10:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

PAKISTANIS AND RIP TORN
Current mood: indescribable

The children of Pakistan have no clue that Rip Torn would never have gotten "Larry Sanders" if he hadn't been in "Defending Your Life." Not one fucking clue.

7:52 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment