The Showcase Show - Episode 4

Howard, Ryan and Amelia go into overtime for a surprisingly extended edition of The Showcase Show. Find out more about Howard's seedy past; uncover more embarrassment regarding Ryan; then, listen in as Amelia reveals her spectacular job interview techniques.

BONUS! Mike Mattingly makes a surprise appearance via cellular telephone, and explains his special friendship with the local Jehovah's Witnesses, and much more.

8:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Nicknames For Everyone

Ron "Push 'n' Shove" Derickson

Tina "Perforated Bowel" Limon

Kevin "Ah Jesus, Kevin's Here…Whadda We Do?" Russell

Lana "No More Pudding, Monsignor" McNulty

Jimmy "Ultimate Frisbee's Tougher Than You Think" Conway

Diane "You Smell Poor" Giannino

Dennis "Razor Shoes" Fulcher

Pauline "Me? Work With Lasers? That's What I Used To Think" Terry

Larry "I'm So Hot For This One Stripper, I May Have To Kill Her"

Murtaugh

Cheryl "Tina Limon's Perforated Bowel Makes Her Look Fat"

Lansbury

"Unlikable" Richie Harris

Betty "Can O' Beans" Taylor

Note: Any similarity to any people living or dead nicknamed "Can O' Beans" or whatever is purely coincidental.

11:41 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

For The Children

A selection of children's characters/programming I came up with that have yet to catch on, let alone sell:

Ace the Illiterate Penguin

Divorce Force

My Tennis Coach is a Gorgon

Snuff MacDuff's Private Videos

Lost in Hobby Lobby

Croup Troop

Smelly Sandy's Stinky Sleepover

Where in the Western World of Lies is Howard Zinn?

Bees! And Dogs!

Cousins Shouldn't Do That Together

10:29 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

The Showcase Show

Shoot the proverbial breeze with Ryan Mattingly (1/2 of Diamond Studded Cougar) and Howard Rudnick (yes, the comic actor) on the Entenmanns Award-winning comedy podcast, The Showcase Show. Listen in as these two trained professionals bust chops and trade chuckles with special guests ranging from good friends to notable entertainers to people who had a free Saturday open to make a pretend radio show.

This week, Howard and Ryan talk to noted culture aficionado and MySpacer Andy Leskovec about Wesley Snipes, guys in bowties and much more.

http://theshowcaseshow.podbean.com

12:26 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Unabridged Catchphrases

We all remember and love them—the television catchphrases that transcended the show on which they appeared, planting themselves firmly into our everyday consciousness. However, few people know that the silly, memorable catchphrases we all enjoyed were actually quite different from how they were intended in their original presentation. Here now are the catchphrases—in their entirety from the authentic scripts—that have never been seen before.

"The Adventures of Popeye"

WIMPY: I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

POPEYE: I ain't got no hamboigers!

POPEYE: I haven't eaten in days! I'm at the end of my rope, you heel! I'll kill you!

"The A-Team"

HANNIBAL: I love it when a plan comes together.

FACE: You're right, Hannibal. This breakfast nook is gonna look great!

"Welcome Back Kotter"

BARBARINO: Up your nose with a rubber hose!

KOTTER: What the fuck are you talking about?

"Betty Boop"

BETTY: Boop boop be doop…

JUNIOR: What's that, Betty?

BETTY: …Boop boop be doop…

PUDGY: I don't understand, Betty!

BETTY: Boop…oop…brrreeep.

JUNIOR: What's the matter, Betty?

BETTY: Boop…I'm havin' a STROKE!...oop.

"All In The Family"

ARCHIE: Stifle, Edith!

EDITH: What did you say?

ARCHIE: I said, STIFLE, E—[Edith puts pistol in Archie's mouth, breaking front teeth]

EDITH: Think real carefully about what you're gonna say next, you piece of shit. The cops may not believe you're an abusive lout, but it's not gonna matter much when your brains hit the back of the sofa and the last thing you see before you die is your own blood streaming outta your mouth and nose onto that tacky-ass shirt, is it?

ARCHIE: MMMF!

EDITH: So we understand each other?

ARCHIE: Mmmmf.

EDITH: Good. Now go pour me a scotch. You got me all riled up.

"Seinfeld"

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!

JERRY: Why not?

SOUP NAZI: Oh, we're out right now. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

JERRY: Really? I'm disappointed! I heard you had really good soup here.

SOUP NAZI: Just kidding! We have plenty of soup.

JERRY: Wow, you got me! Good one. Okay, I'll have the mulligatawny.

SOUP NAZI: But still no soup for you, Jew. Soup Nazi? Hello?

"The Honeymooners"

RALPH KRAMDEN: Baby, you're the greatest.

ALICE KRAMDEN: I'm fucking Norton.

"Kojak"

KOJAK: Who loves you, baby?

KOJAK'S DAUGHTER: You do, daddy.

KOJAK: And I'm real sorry I can't take you this weekend. See, your mom doesn't want me to bring you along on stakeouts anymore. But you're going to have a fun time with your mom and Rick at the lake, okay? You'll get to water ski, go swimming, take—

KOJAK'S DAUGHTER: I HATE RICK! He's not my real dad! I wanna go with you, like we always do!

KOJAK: Goddammit Becky, don't put me in this position! We'll go next weekend, okay? Aw, Jesus…don't cry.

"Scooby Doo, Where Are You?"

[NOTE: Here are several variations on the line that ended "…if it weren't for you meddling kids."]

VILLAIN: And I would've finished sawing through my own leg, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

VILLAIN: And I would've completed my collage, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

VILLAIN: And I would've conquered illiteracy, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

VILLAIN: And I would've happily masturbated in that tree, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

VILLAIN: And I would've won Olympic gold, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

VILLAIN: And I would've had a living baby, if it weren't for you meddling SIDS.

10:40 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Terrible Conversationalist

EXAMPLE 1

"Hey Hank, who was the guy last year who got out of his car to check his tires on the side of the highway, then got plowed into by a truck?"

"It…that was my dad."

"That's right, it was. Whew! Thanks, I was trying to figure that out all morning!"

EXAMPLE 2

"Guess who's pregnant?"

"Who?!"

"Yeah, who…GIVES A SHIT?"

EXAMPLE 3

"You remember where you were when the Challenger exploded?"

"I sure do. I was sitting in class in the fourt—"

"Cause I don't remember that at all. Oh well. [walks away]"

EXAMPLE 4

"Hey everyone, I was wondering if you guys had any time this weekend to help us move into our new place."

"Nah. That sounds like something boring to do."

EXAMPLE 5

"...so that's when the ball hit the target and I got totally drenched in the charity dunk tank!"

[laughter]

"My dad got raped in jail."

12:28 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

My Talk Show Idea

FUNCTIONALS

A talk show stage with a couch and a table—with a phone on it—in front of the couch. Our host, DEAN THURSTON greets the crowd with a sunny smile.

Dean:
Hi everyone! And welcome once again to "Functionals"—the show devoted to those of us who soldier on every day while dealing with severe social problems, substance abuse issues or crippling chronic depression. Because after all, just because you're trudging along and hiding your pain from others instead of rotting away physically and spiritually in the bed of a dank hotel room, doesn't mean you don't deserve a show of your own!

Applause—Dean sits down on the far right end of the couch.

Dean (cont'd):
On "Functionals" we show you how to maintain your habit or generally disordered lifestyle with class and creativity—while at the same time making sure that "your little secret" stays your little secret.

Audience laughs.

Dean (cont'd):
Okay, today's guest is regularly seen at the public relations firm Finnerty and Slade. He also has quite a healthy appetite for cocaine and booze. Please say hello to Phil Baker!

 PHIL, wearing a suit and tie, comes jogging out onto stage and shakes DEAN's hand before taking his seat.

Dean:   
Phil, welcome to "Functionals"—thanks for joining us.

Phil:
Thanks for having me. Glad to be here.

Dean:   
Now tell me a little bit about your daily routine. What's an average day look like for you?

Phil:
Well, when I wake up, I usually have the usual raging headache, sense of disarray and shame, sour stomach from not eating the day before.

Dean:
So you probably want to snort a line before you even get out of bed, right?

Phil:
You know, you'd think so, but I really prefer to stay away from the blow until I've done a few shots.

Dean:
Really? That's fascinating—and quite contrary to the accepted standard.

Phil:
It's reverse logic, actually. My serotonin levels are so low in the morning that my brain's instinct is to crave more cocaine. But if I have limited access to the coke, I'd rather eliminate the hangover before I need to make any calls to a dealer. Plus, the alcohol re-entering my system decreases my inhibitions and crushing sadness that started the cycle of self-medication in the first place.

Dean:
Fantastic! You feel like taking a call from a viewer?

Phil:
Sure, that sounds great!

Dean:
Okay, our first call is from…Barb. Hi Barb, you're on the air with Dean Thurston and Phil Baker.

Barb (O.S.):
Hi Dean. Love your show! Hi Phil.

Phil:
Good morning, Barb.

Barb (O.S.):
I just had a question for Phil. I've been trying to hide my alcoholism and freebasing from my boss. So far, everything's been fine. But yesterday, I got promoted!

Dean and Phil both wince.

Dean:
Oooh. Tough break.

Barb (O.S.):
I know. I'm getting a 35 percent raise, but I'll have to go to more meetings and even travel with my boss. 

Phil:
Wow. This is difficult. Barb, can you decline the position?

Barb (O.S.):
I wish! But I need money for my kit and burners. Chicken and the egg, you know?

Phil:
Right, good point. All I can tell you is that first you need a plan. Before you even travel with this boss of yours, make it clear that Diet Sprite is your favorite beverage. It's by far the easiest soda to spike with vodka and not get caught.

Barb (O.S.):
Okay, what else?

Phil:
Then, you'll want to set your computer to alert you 15 minutes before all your meeting times. Keep an extra shirt or coat in the trunk of your car, and your freebase kit should be hidden in the spare tire compartment. Put on the coat or shirt over what you're wearing before you hit the pipe. Take your hits, then take off the extra clothes. That way, anyone who's wise to what a good bleach-based freebase burn odor smells like will be none the wiser. Plus, it'll give you time to calm yourself down with a cigarette—preferably menthol.

Dean:
Did that answer your question Barb?

Barb (O.S.):
Did it ever! Thank you so much!

Phil:
You're welcome, Barb. Good luck!

Dean:
Well Phil, I wish we had more time, but we should wrap this up. Any parting words?

Phil:
Just this—anyone who believes you can't succeed while high, drunk, stoned, tripping or dusted only does so because they're afraid to embrace the demon. Once you've held the demon and made mental love to it, you can do anything. Anything!

Dean:
Hey, "embrace the demon and make love to it"? You're high right now, aren't you buddy?

Phil:
Caught me!

Audience howls with laughter.

Dean:
Well, that's why you're the expert. Thanks again, Phil.

Phil:
My pleasure, Dean.

Dean:
That's it for today, folks. Join us next time when we'll talk to Christine Sherman, a working mom and Xanax addict who juggles her career, family, and pill jones day in and day out. And she does it in style! Find out how tomorrow on "Functionals"—be unwell!

THE END

12:04 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

The Adult Top 10

The Top 10 Adult Videos (All Genres)

For the week of  4/21

1) 30 Days of Hardcore Fucking (Vampire-themed)

2) Indiana Jones & The Guy Who Just Likes To Watch (Voyeurism)

3) The Diarrhea of Anne Frank (Scat fetish)

4) There Will Be Puds (Gangbang)

5) Splatatouille (Bukkake)

6) Cocks, Cocks & Two Smoking Cocks (Gay, male)

7) The Foot Fist Way (Gay, female)

8) Definitely, Scabies (Educational sex/health)

9) Step Up To The Meats (Two men/One midget)

10) Darfur WOW! (International bikini competition)

1:56 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

OnStar* Classics - 1897

*OnStar did not become the official company name until 1995

"Standard & Hearst Directionarium – this is Silas speaking."

"Good day. I have a problem, sir."

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"This carriage I am in appears to be moving on its own, as if pulled by a team of ghosts!"

"Tut-tut! Why sir, the carriage you are in is known as an auto-mobile!"

"Say again? (caller holds tin horn to ear and leans closer to receiver)"

"I say that you are riding in an auto-mobile, friend."

"Are you attempting a trick, sir? The ol' switcheroo? I highly doubt your esteemed clientage would appreciate the jest…"

"No jokes here, sir. It is a new kind of transport with an engine made in Germany. Combustion, you see?"

"An outrage! I won't be tooling around in some Kaiser-devised widget!"

"But the hull of the auto-mobile is American-built, sir."

"So I won't be expected to march under orders from that flap-tongued sap, William the Second?"

"Hardly."

"Very well. [long pause] So, will this auto-mobile take me where I ask it?"

"Unfortunately, it isn't—"

[Loudly; in background] "MOBILE AUTO! I DEMAND YOU TAKE ME TO TOWN FOR EGGS! LIGHT OUT FOR THE MARKET!"

"Sir, it cannot understand you."

"I NEED ACCOMPANIMENT FOR MY PLATE OF BOILED GOOBERS!"

"Sir—"

"I'D ALSO LIKE TO BUY A NOBBY HAT! DON'T SKUNK ME ON THIS, YOU STEEL CONTRAPTION!"

"Sir—"

"Yes?"

"The car cannot understand you, and I have to tend to our other client...who incidentally is Kaiser William II."

"Who are you? Are you a ghost, you disembodied spectre?"

"My thanks for your call, sir. Good day to you."

10:17 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Ol’ Ballgame

Transcript from the last broadcast of the disgraced announcer.

Transcript Key:

(DP) Don Pepsi—A 70-year-old who called games for the Royals up until last year. Catchphrase: "Don Pepsi—no relation"

(JM) Jim "Bandit" Mulroney—Catcher for the Royals in the 70s and 80s

DP: Hi folks! It's a beautiful day for Triple A baseball here in downtown Topeka. This is Don Pepsi—no relation—and I'll be here to call all the action. The Topeka Mudhens will be facing the Portland Timbercats today in the final frame of a four-game series. In related news, I will be facing retirement effective immediately after today's game. But don't feel bad for your buddy Don Pepsi. I'll land on my feet…just like I did when the Kansas City Royals organization asked me to leave the booth just one year ago and take the mic here in Topeka. Anyhoo, we've got a real smokehouse of a game today. These two teams like to swing for the fences and they really fly by the seat of their pants. I'll be doing the same thing if you don't mind, and I'll be talking to a couple of old friends during today's broadcast. It's my final game as announcer, and I plan to cram in all the hoopla you can handle. Up to bat for the Mudhens, it's Ramon Jimenez—the Brown Bomber, as I like to call him. That guy really knows how to pound the coconut. Here's the first pitch…high and inside, ball one. Speaking of high and inside, if my shut-in of a son is listening, I'd like him to bring back my television if it hasn't already been pawned for angel dust or maybe a bag of hippie hay. Your mother's missing her stories, Randy. Plus, you've got two bench warrants out, so don't make me tip off the sheriff's office to your whereabouts. Strike one! A real laser beam through the strike zone—Jimenez should've checked that one off. Also, Randy, your girlfriend Debbie is still at our house with the baby. Your mother and I were woken up by the sound of Debbie screaming in the rain and kicking at the door to be let in. I'll be damned if that placenta wasn't still attached via the umbilical cord; I had to cut it off with a strop razor and clear out the child's sinuses myself. Deep pop fly to center…and it's…caught for the first out of the game. Tough break for the Mudhens. Coming up next is Skip Simons, who's got a blistering .215 average. Not bad for a guy who just last season was injured in fan boat accident while trying to punch an alligator unconscious.

At this point, Jim Mulroney steps into the booth and waits to be waved over by Don.

DP (cont.): And by the way, this game is brought to you by Alligator tractors. When you need a tractor with some "bite," you need a new tractor from Alligator. Or, you can shove it straight up your ass. I don't care.

Jim's smile turns to a confused look as he hears this, wondering if Don just said that on the air.

DP (cont.): Joining us now is my old pal, Jim "Bandit" Mulroney.

Putting his grin back on, Jim walks over to the seat next to Don and puts on headphones.

DP (cont.): Jim's been kind enough to come up here to the booth and enjoy my last game with me, and talk a little about the old days. Bandit, how the hell are ya?

JM: Doing fine, Don! I'm glad to be joining you for--

DP (interrupting): That's a swing and a miss by Simons. The count's 0 and 2. Apparently, Simons must've sold his batting shoes to pay off mounting gambling debts. Be careful, Skip—if you don't pay up, the bookies will kill your dad and you'll have to leave the league for a couple years. Both of which happened to a young fella named Michael Jordan not too long ago.

Jim's looking around for verification that this is really happening.

DP (cont.): Line drive! Simons gets to first base, just like I tried to do with my son's girlfriend who's staying with us. No dice!  So Jim, whatcha up to these days?

JM: Um…well…first of all, Don, I wanted to say that I'm honored to be here for your final broadcast. You're a real legend. Thanks for having me.

Uncomfortable pause as Don stares daggers at Jim.

DP: Okay. I'm gonna repeat the question, Jimbo. WHATCHA DOING THESE DAYS? If I wanted to hear a recap of my career, I'll look back at the court transcripts from 8 years ago when that kid said I broke his jaw by shoving a baseball in his mouth when he asked for an autograph. Full count for outfielder Sean Davis, whose wife just gave birth last week to a little baby girl. Congratulations to the Davis family!

Jim is dying inside.

DP (cont.): Sorry for the interruption there, Bandit. What were you saying?

JM: Uh…I…I've been working with Habitat for Humanity in their Home Run program.

DP: That's fantastic, Jim! Davis goes down watching the ball go by like a dumb goddamn ox. Up to bat next…Julio Valenzuela—another brown-skinned beauty! Go ahead, Jim.

JM: I think the preferred term is Hispanic, Don.

DP: I think I'd prefer you to finish your crap feast of a story, Jim.

JM: Well, the Home Run program helps low income families refurnish their homes after national disasters. For every home run hit in minor league baseball this year, Habitat for Humanity donates $10 toward supplies and labor.

DP: My first job paid $10 a year. I worked at the quarry shooing away rats and hobos away from the limestone.

JM: Wow. That sounds…good.

DP: You'd think it would be, but I'll tell ya, it was a fuckin' nightmare…

Jim looks panicked at the f-bomb that Don just dropped . He's looking around again for someone to help him out.

DP (cont.): They'd give you a tire iron and a bag, and you had to knock out whatever came at you. This was the Depression, though, so I had to take what I could get. Ball one for Valenzuela. Most of the rats were too fast to catch, and the hobos just came there to commit suicide. Boy, were there a lot of bodies…check swing by Valenzuela.

JM: Oh. Oh God…uh, well at least you made it to the big leagues.

DP: The big leagues, yes indeed. Called 18 seasons for the Kansas City Royals. Then they tell me I can't smoke or drink in the booth. After that, they say I can't talk about the time I had barbecue with Joseph Stalin. Then, just last year, they give me the boot to this dump of a town.

JM: Come on now, Don. Topeka's a lovely--  

DP (interrupting): Ahhh, I'd be embarrassed to hold a shit fight in this place. BIG HIT BY VALENZUELA…AT THE WALL…IT'S…caught by Henderson of Portland.

Jim's taking his headphones off.

JM: Well, thanks for having me Don.

DP: You're not staying with your old buddy, you ungrateful queer??

JM: I…um…

DP (mocking): UH…I…UH…real well spoken there, Bandit.

JM: You're using some pretty offensive remarks there, Don. Quite frankly, I'm uncomfortable being in the same room with such a virulent racist and homophobe. And by the way, you're only 70. I know for a fact you weren't even alive during the Depression. You know what? This--this is stupid. I'm leaving.

DP: Fine. Get the hell out! Well how do you like that! The Bandit couldn't take the heat! And it appears that security is headed this way…probably to tell me I've got my job with the Royals back. Oh! A double play by the Mudhens! Great catch by Gerald Smith, who I affectionately call "Black As Coal" Gerald Smith! Black as my daughter's college professor…who she is living with currently! Time to take a break from the action, but stay tuned! This is Don Pepsi—NO RELATION!

8:08 AM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment