Fat chicks dig me.....
Current mood: nauseated

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: Fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU ASSHOLE!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a fucking asshole!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and begin to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth clit.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

12:57 AM - 21 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

Thank you, Chuck Norris
Current mood: groggy

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

11:30 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tub Ring
Current mood: amused

1.Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:
Tub Ring

2. Are you male or female?
I Am The Robot

3. Describe yourself...
Dead Things On The Side Of The Road Make Me Laugh

4. How do some people feel about you:
One Piece At A Time

5. How do you feel about yourself:
Flying Pimp

6. Describe your ex-boyfriend / girlfriend:
Downloading Satan

7. Describe current boyfriend / girlfriend :
Negative One

8. Describe where you want to be:
Self Discovery At 7-11

9. Describe how you live:
The Way To Mars

10. Describe how you love:
Breakdancing My Way Back Into Your Heart

11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
Fruit Of Knowledge

12. Share a few words of Wisdom:
God Hates Astronauts

13. Now say goodbye:
Bite The Wax Tadpole!!!

9:38 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

MC Chris ownz

Last night I went out to the Elbo room to see MC Chris, and the show was wonderful. Then, after the show, me and MC was totally hangin out at the bar drinking beers and we was gettin fucked up! Then we went out to the parkin lot and we smoked up a fatty blunt, and dat shit was da bomb! Then MC pulled out this fat sack of cocaine and I was all like, "I don't know MC, I ain't never done no coke before," and MC was all like, "Shut up bitch and snort that fuckin cocaine!!!" So I did and it was excellent. Then we went to the zoo and let out all the little monkeys and we totally taught them to make meth! So we set us up a lab and started makin fat cash! But then the cops showed up and busted up our shit! Oh my gosh!!! But luckily we were all jacked up on this super potent monkey-meth and we totally escaped on our secret stash of ATVs! So the cops was totally chasing us through the woods, right? And we were coming up on this cliff and I was all like, "MC, I don't think I can make the jump!" And MC was like, "Just do another line of cocaine, kid, and you can do anything!!!" So I did and we totally made the jump and all sorts a shit exploded!!! So we totally went to mexico and got drunk on the beach with a buttload of sexy, sexy ladies and we got'em all hooked on monkey meth and started our own happy harem!! But after 15 consecutive hours of double-penetration I got really tired, so I came back home. So anyway, does anyone know a good cure for a hangover?

2:40 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

On Today’s Menu: A Hymn to Toast
Current mood: horny

Some years ago, writer and model Annie Lamott lived on a houseboat at Issaqua Dock in Sausalito. It wasn’t really even a whole houseboat; it was sort of like an in-law apartment at one corner of a larger vessel.

There were few appliances in her personal space. She had been confronted with the cruel question of downsizing: Would you like to have a stove, or would you like to have a place to sit down? Annie got a chair and gave up gourmet cooking.

But she still wanted to entertain. She wanted humans of distinction and easy charm to come calling and chat informally and perhaps offer her grant money. As a kind of warm-up for her evening with Robert Redford and John Kenneth Galbraith, she invited a few of her less distinguished friends over for a Sunday morning event she called: A Festival of Toast.

It might have been a Tournament of Toast of a Carnival of Toast; my memory is vague. But whatever it was called, it was a celebration of toast and all it means to our society.

Annie had only a toaster. Toast was the only foodstuff she could prepare other than raw carrots. In the hands of a less adventurous hostess, that might have been a liability. But as Annie pressed on us morsel after morsel of crisp bread, rye or wheat or rolled oat or flecked with undigested bits of rosemary, a veritable Symphony of Toast, we realized we were in the presence of something special.

What a rare treat, we each thought, as we took turns using the chair.

That brunch-like gathering gave us a chance to contemplate, each in our own way, what toast had meant to us as citizens, as artists, as human beings. Today I am offering you a similar chance. I am offering you a hymn to toast.

Item: Bread is the staff of life. Item: Bread is a convenient and useful platform for all of nature’s edible bounty. Item: Bread is cheap and eaten by both rich and poor. Item: Bread is a good insulator, a bad conductor of electricity, and an unusual brooch or pendant.

But bread is cold. It comesout of the oven warm, but then it cools down, and very soon you have cold bread. In early times, that was enough. Henry II of England, for instance, would eat tons of cold bread and think: Not bad.

But clearly, more was needed, particularly on those cold mornings in northern Europe. There was gruel, of course, but man does not live by gruel alone. Soon, people were placing bread next to the fire. One day: Toast.

Civilization has never been the same.

Consider the wonder of toast. Perhaps you are eating toast right now. Certainly, if you’ve gotten this far, you’re thinking about hopping up and making yourself a piece or two right now. Go ahead. I’ll mark your place with these CAPITAL LETTERS.

Maybe you’re in a restaurant. Why not raise one finger in that attractive way you have and say, “Miss, I’d like some toast with that.”

With toast comes butter. No one would be so uncouth as to eat butter right off the stick, no matter how much he or she might want to. But with relly hot toast, you can melt maybe a quarter pound of butter into the bread and no one’s the wiser.

Also good on toast: jam, jelly, marmalade, Marmite, Vegemite, peanut butter, chocolate sauce, sugar, cinnamon, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, chutney, fried eggs, bacon, margarine, ham, cheese, sausage and tomato. Bad on toast: French fries, baking soda, and water.

What’s really good is to get into a Toast Fugue State. Jam works best as a trigger. Put the toast on a flat surface. Put the jar of jam next to the toast. Think about the fruit from which the jam is made while staring at the jam. Very slowly, take a knife and dip it into the jam. Hold the knife above the jar and let the jam drip back in. Put the palm of your other hand very lightly on top of the piece of toast. Feel the warmth. Watch the jam. Whoops, it’s tomorrow!

1:22 PM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Theories on Toast

HELLO, AND WELCOME,

As a member of Toastmasters International I shall speak to you a speech. On toast. And of it's mysteries.

My speech begins as thus:

People will fear the many things they do not understand. Some do not understand war or perhaps the beauty seen from a really good height. Some fear spiders. For others, of too great a number, it is toast.

But what is it that urges these sorry souls to consume (not only at breakfast, but all times of the day) their own heart-weakening horror? Um, they're probably hungry. Still, it is only in education that people will quell there mad, mad, madness.

You know how bread will sit and either become A:really moldy or B:old and crusty? (hhmmm...kinda like people I guess. maybe this is the root of the fear) This is due to the aging of bread. Yet we come to A or B in different enviroments; where A will become edibly unattractive, B becomes very much like toast. Thus, the obvious answer is that the toaster is a 'Flash-Aging Device'.

Now hear me out. The toaster is a unit of toasting technology which, within it's walls, speeds up time for whatever may be present. When we add a bread product (read: pre-pubescant toast) we bombard it with the energy of time travel producing bread type B. So much heat is spent in time travel that we receive a toast with a nice tan (depending on how far we age it)

And there you have it. Personally I joined Toastmaster International for the obvious reason. To meet women. However I'm happy to say that due to being a better speaker, I have found the strength to face my fears. I am a master of toast it is true, of 53 different types of toast found all over the world.

Thank you. God bless and good night.

--Johnny Insipid

6:55 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

TOAST HAIKUS
Current mood: awake

Kitchen appliance
Quickly heeds my anxious prayers
Toast pressed to my cheek

A slice of calmness
In mankind's world of bloodshed
Spread some marmalade

Consume nirvana
God is not to be eaten
But toast will suffice

Spirit channeling
Through my toasted breakfast treat
Elvis on my plate

Ritualistic
A genesis of breakfast
Immaculate toast

Angry toastless man
Malfunctioning appliance
Senseless killing spree

Head hung in despair
Morning offering rises
I thank my toaster

Whole-grain metaphor
Anguish soon will dissipate
A bread transfigured

Toast in pitch black room
With a beautiful painting
Valuable toast

Intensely focused
I anticipate my toast
Somewhere a dog barks

Proudly I preside
Nineteen toasters hum in sync
A kitchen aflame

Summer in New York
Children frying sidewalk eggs
Beside my French toast

Thirty-six croutons
Sewn together with great care
Spicy slice of toast

Chilled below zero
Superconducting breakfast
With sweet grape jelly

The warm chosen slice
His jealous untoasted friends
Waiting for their turn

Hours after breakfast
A lingering aroma
The ghost of a toast

Bakery arson
Twelve thousand slices of toast
A silver lining

Willingly it meets
Its destiny at breakfast
Noble is my toast

Scrape into the sink
Constellation of black stars
A toast neglected

Loaf's fortunate heels
Spared from a toasty demise
United at last

6:42 AM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment