Riddle of the Day!

8:07 AM - 0 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Age Defined

The banner at the top of this Myspace page says, "How old is Miley Cyrus?" And I honestly don't know. Not to mention, I can't ask that question. If I did, then it's creepy. On the other hand, if she asked how old I was, then she's "being safe". I've never been a big fan of these "double standard" type questions. Another example being, "Are you bald?" She can ask ... I can't. It's getting rather hard to talk to the opposite sex these days.

My point is ... our culture here in the US has such an us vs. them feeling now when it comes to dating, that I think we've gotten away from the true meaning of love, i.e. stability, great sex, and a good meal. And the viewing of vast age difference as such a negative issue has definitely become part of the problem. Oddly enough, in other (and much older) countries it is not nearly as looked down upon to see a young person with an older mate. I say more power to them. Who can you learn more from than someone who has been around an extra 20 or 30 years?

Ok, now I neglected to include 'communication'. That in itself should definitely be considered an added bonus. Older lovers still want to feel young, and can by learning the latest hip new terminology from their younger counterpart. And the younger you are, the less capable you are of utilizing bigger "adult" words. Their meaning quite often escapes those barely out of high school. This is when the older companion can play superhero and teach these young 'uns how to converse with those "in charge".

Miley makes millions of dollars each year. Hell, probably each month. In that respect she's got a leg up on me, so to speak. Then again, what a wondeful feeling it would be to know that I had met someone who could financially hold their own. In exchange, I could definitely offer her valuable insight to ideas she has yet to experience. Things like ... how to properly prepare an egg, shared bank accounts, and of course the inner workings of pornography. These are lessons where parents and peers have, throughout the ages, simply come up short.

In conclusion, Political Correctness is getting way out of hand ... at work, at the comedy club, and in the bedroom. The old question still applies, "Can't we all just get along?" And, if you have read this entry with even a modicum of seriousness, then the answer is and will always be "No". On the other hand, I hope you at least got a chuckle out of it.

9:48 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Play It Again Sam

You know who I always felt sorry for? Rick Derringer. He's the guy that sang "Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo", probably the most popular one hit wonder of the 70's (and the worst song title ever). I used to wonder why anyone who has a hit like that could never follow it up. Then I found the lyrics to that song, and I'd like to share with you the second verse:

"Skeeters start buzzin' 'bout this time of year. I'm going round back, said she'd meet me there. We were rollin' in the grass, grows behind the barn. When my ears started ringin' like a fire alarm."

When I read the lyrics, I was as surprised (as I'm sure you are) to find out that GRASS GROWS BEHIND THE BARN. All this time I thought there was corn back there. Regardless, I still can't keep from breaking out the air guitar everytime I hear the drum roll intro. And how many names did he ponder before deciding on "Hoochie Koo"? I'd love to see a list of the rejects ... "What should we call the song? Let's see ... Rock and Roll Hunny Bun ... Rock and Roll Killy Bill ... Rock and Roll HOOCHIE KOO! That's it!"

11:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Weird Texas Law I Found Online

This dumb one is from Texarkana ...

"Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights."

That's in case the owner is out on the farm and needs to change lanes.

My question is ... where do you plug them in?

9:09 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

No, I Swear

An 85 year old legally blind man from southern Arizona hit a hole-in-one this week, on a par-3 course.

Unfortunately, there were no witnesses.

9:41 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Comedy Defensive Driving Class

I finally gave in, finished training, and got licensed to teach Comedy Defensive Driving when I’m home. For years I put it off and to be honest, I wasn’t sure I would like it. Now that I’m teaching classes, I’ve found that it really is a blast and a lot easier than I thought it would be. I think that comes with years of standup experience. Actually, I’m rather excited that I enjoy it so much, because it gives me a chance to be home in Dallas/Fort Worth more often and still be in front of people making them laugh. I get to try out some new material each day, and still accomplish the main objective of the job. It’s a double bonus. I’ve also made my online course available. I’m still getting used to the idea that I don’t have to stay gone on the road 365 days out of the year and I love the feeling of having a (semi) normal life again!

Got a ticket? Laugh it off!

TODD’S COMEDY DEFENSIVE DRIVING CLASS

TODD’S ONLINE DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSE

10:00 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

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2:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s Good To Be Home
Current mood: accomplished

Well, I got back from a month-long tour and it's been non-stop. I'm finally getting the feeling again of what it would be like to have a normal life at home. Between the parties, 2 corporate shows I performed, finishing up training to teach Comedy Defensive Driving, Christmas (haven't begun shopping yet), getting my tooth fixed (3 appointments total), and hanging out with friends ... soon I'll be back on the road so I can get some rest! The corporate show tonight was amazing. It was a house party in University Park, in the biggest house I've ever seen. Now I know where Santa lives. There were 60 people there (plus staff, valets, and caterers), and almost all of them were investment managers. The funny thing is, from the signature on their email I thought they were lawyers. Anyway, what a fun group. I heard them screaming and clapping as I trekked up the half-mile driveway. I found out it was because the host was giving away money. I was hoping it was because he had just announced there would be a comedian. No such luck, but those people warmed up to me immediately. I also noticed that with about 60 people there, there were no cars. They had all come in 6 limos. Must be a tough life! House gigs are notoriously the toughest gigs, but that one was simply a walk in the park ... no pun intended.

9:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

New Pics Are Up

I just posted a ton of new fun and travel pics from 2006 and 2007 finally. I think you'll enjoy them. Have a look!

4:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

London Heathrow Debacle

I just wanted to let you know what happened in London Heathrow airport ...
As I got to the immigration desk, I realized I still didn't have my work permit on me and I told them I was just visiting. I was then afraid if I even told them I was a comedian I would immediately be sent home, so I told them I was in sales. (not entirely untrue, and I was before I became a comic). I didn't realize I would be grilled like that coming through, and as I'm standing there it occurs to me I was screwed, so I was gonna try anything to get to those auditions. The immigration officer apparently went back to his office and looked me up online and found out who I was. I'll never forget him saying ... "I don't know about your sales position, but it looks like you're a pretty famous comedian." I said, "That's the first time I've ever been accused of being famous." However, later they said if they could find my work permit and it had been processed, that they would let me through. They told me about the present postal strike in England, and said the application may be in a pile somewhere. However, they later said they called the work permit office and they had no application on file for me. Basically, that's what it came down to, and why I wasn't allowed to enter. That's why I never wait until the last minute for paperwork.
Anyway, I was just kinda crushed, to be honest. $900 ticket down the tubes, although my week in Holland was an absolute success and a blast. To top it off, I had a non-transferrable ticket. But, I maintained composure and pleasantries, had them laughing and they ended up getting me to New York and American Airlines was nice enough to get me home with another ticket. I hadn't slept for over 48 hours. Btw, I'm not giving up on England and they said next time if I have the permit I will be allowed to enter. Now that I'm fingerprinted and in their system, too. lol. I was tired, frustrated, furious, then accepting, and now I'm back in Dallas.
I did have a blast in Holland. We worked in Amsterdam, Breda, and Eindhoven. Basically, we were treated like stars. The theater in Eindhoven even had dressing rooms with a star on the door. Queensryche had just played there the night before. Yes, they got my jokes. The guys there told me that most American comics who come over have a tendency to struggle, and they were happy that I was so well-received and that the audiences got a real kick out of me. In Holland, they also have what they call Cabaret, which is are one-man shows. I have been writing everyday now on a new one-man show called "Todd Save The Queen". Holland gave me a big boost to my enthusiasm for working on it. Anyway, several of the comics write for Dutch comedy TV shows. I never even bothered going to the RLD, but did make it to the Rijks Museum. I spent every night hanging with the comics and getting to know everyone. Smart move.
They party harder than anyone I've ever met. The cool thing is that the staff and comics were sad to see me go, and all took me out the last night. I met comedians from all over Europe. And the dutch comics do their show in dutch. Only american, english, and new zealand comedians did it in english. The dutch jokes are written slightly different. Their setups are much longer, with a huge punch at the end. Seems only the bigger headliners had gotten used to the idea of word economy. Also, everyone is treated the same, they have no egos as far as headliners go. That was cool. They do charge you for everything over there, including cokes, refills, going to the bathroom (the club doesn't). But, they gave us drink tickets when we performed, and everyone there had a bad habit of buying me drinks every night! I even found out that there are english-speaking clubs I can work at in Norway, Belgium, Sweden, Germany, and even Curacao. And by god I will!
Paramount Mgmt. in London emailed me when I got home, and we are going to work out another trip over to conquer London, probably in mid-2008. I'll probably add Amsterdam to that trip too. I can't wait!

4:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment