The Mind of a Devout Maniac
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Long time, no see!

So right now I just got back from my 3-hour class about terrorism, revolution, and political violence, and my roomates are playing Assassin's Creed on our Xbox.  But right now I am going to talk about the former rather than the latter.

Now, what I am going to tell you is just a recitation of what my professor said.  I do believe that this will make many of you think critically about our current world and the current direction of countries and faiths.

The lecture I had in class is what exactly are the motivations behind Osama bin Laden's actions? (His real name is actually Usama, but that's beside the point).  In addition, we discussed the direct schism between Christianity and Islam.

I want to make it clear that these are the words of my professor and do not necessarily represent my beliefs.

Now, I know the common consensus by most Americans is that Osama is some freedom hater (or something along those lines).  This is far from the truth.  To be perfectly honest, Osama, during his younger years, was no different from any other "Westernized" person.  When he wasn't studying, he was drinking, womanizing, and having a grande ol' time.  One of the cities he loved to frequent was the city of Beirut, which was a city full of American sailors.  Beirut was a city full of bars, prostitutes, clubs, and other temptations, and Osama enjoyed every aspect of the city's indulgences.

So how did a man who was the emodiment of sinful indulgence turn into the super-conservative and ultra-religious man he is today?  War and violence.

Civil war enveloped Lebanon and consumed Beirut.  In Saudi Arabia, the king was assassinated by his Westernized and insane nephew.  In Iran, the Shah was ousted and Ayatollah Khomeini took control.  In the eyes of Osama, the destruction of Beirut was God destroying a sinful city, the assassination of the king proved that Westernization caused people to go insane, and the events that unfolded in Iran proved that Western ideals were unpopular and bad.  These events turned a very secular Osama into a fanatically religious Osama.  From this moment, he believed that God had spoken to him and that it was his duty to stop the plague of the West, and specifically the United States.  The "freedoms" that we value so much are the sins and insanity that God had purged from Beirut.  True freedom, to Osama, is serving the will of God.

And to Osama, now is the time to resist the West.  History has been a struggle between Muslims and nonbelievers, America is ran by Jews, and both America and Israel are massacring Muslims.  The ongoing conflict in Iraq is a battle between the West's encroaching sins and the survival of the Islamic faith.

This is why Osama wishes to destroy the US.

There is also a fundamental difference between Christianity and Islam.  "Render unto Caesar..." you know the rest.  Christianity implies a clear difference between the religious reality and the political reality.  In other words, Christianity is schizophrenic.  It offers two realities:  The secular and the religious.  It is a Christian tradition to differentiate because it was initially persecuted by a government (the Romans).

Islam is the exact opposite.  Rather than a schism between religious and secular realities, EVERYTHING is religious.  There is no distinction between religious and non-religious actions.  This also includes wars, so any war instigated by the West is automatically a Crusade (this includes both Gulf Wars).  Islam was never persecuted, and instead it brought war on to other societies during Mohammad's time.  Islam incorporates itself in to all aspects of society.

Christianity separates, Islam unites.  The two religions were born under completely different circumstances, and their beliefs and practices represent this.

Now, I would like to hear people's thoughts about this.  Do you agree or disagree?  Perhaps the whole damn thing is wrong and my professor is nothing more than a bumbling idiot.  Think about how Osama's experiences intertwine with the fundamentalist beliefs of Islam.  Does Christianity and Islam really oppose each other?

I have always thought that the West's failure to understand the Middle East, including people such as Osama bin Laden, would lead to conflict, and the world seems to always prove me right.  In my opinion, it is not the Middle East that needs to change its attitude (especially if what I just wrote is true), but it is the West, especially America, that needs to wake up and understand why we keep angering the Muslim world.

It's late, and I have no idea if there are tons of spelling and grammatical errors, so I will edit it later.  I will add more information and commentary if this is too vague or confusing.

Otherwise, may our Noodly Lord bless us all.

-RAmen

7:30 PM - 23 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

A Week Too Late
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

Okay okay, I know I promised a blog last week, but more important things arose...like school and going on vacation for a week at Lake Havasu.

I spent the last week at Havasu with someone who I consider to be my best friend.  Now, this may sound odd to you, but he is what many would paint as a fundamentalist Christian.  In fact, his entire family believes that every word of the entire Bible is the exact literal truth of God.  They don't deny the fact that they all believe that the Earth is about 6,000 years old, that there will be a Rapture, that the early Old Testament characters lived for almost a millenium, that there was a huge flood that covered the whole planet, and that evolution is both blasphemous and completely impossible.  Hell, even my friend's truck has a sticker on it saying, "Ten Commandments, Not Ten Suggestions."  And yes, he does believe I am going straight to Hell when I die and be burned alive for eternity.

But he's still my best bro'.

Funny, huh?  To be honest, my friendship with him is more meaninful than with most of my other heathen friends.  I've even endured the pains of attending his youth group a few times (partly out of curiosity and partly out of courtesy).  But what's really unique is the fact that he's actually willing to laugh at many of the blasphemous jokes made by me or on television (here's looking at you Simpsons, Family Guy).  We both saw the Simpsons Movie and he laughed the hardest at all of the jokes aimed at Christians (says Homer, "This book doesn't have any answers!").

But after going to Lake Havasu with him and riding around on Jet Skis, driving speed boats, cliff jumping, etc etc, I came to wonder if there were other people people out there who share a heathen/Christian relationship (by heathen, I mean non-fundamentalist Christian).  When people think of a fundamentalist, Pat Robertson or some similar nutjob comes to mind, always shouting hateful words at people purely because they don't share the same faith.  But I can honestly say that my friend is exactly like Pat Robertson without the needless religious hate, sexism, bigotry, racism, and hypocrisy.

From what I can tell, religion isn't what makes a person bad or good.  Both my friend and Robertson hold the same religious beliefs, but I'm pretty sure Robertson is the only one going to hell between the two.

So this blog is more of a question aimed at you, the readers.  Do you have a close friendship, or even a romance, with someone who holds ideals that are at odds with your own?  I've even heard of atheist/Christian married couples existing somewhere out there.  I'd even like to hear from friends who are politically incompatible.  Does it add or take away from your relationship?  Frustrate or englighten you?  Ultimately, do you believe you're better or worse off because your friend is so opposed to your ideals?

Or are you the type of person who sticks to your own flock?

Personally, I wouldn't want to change a thing since my friend's views do influence my own in positive ways.  In fact, I think I'm a better and more tolerant person because of it.  Being around people who think the same as you is nice, but it gets boring being around people who agree with everything you have to say.  Diverse belief, in my humble opinion, makes us wiser as we are exposed to dissenting opinions and attitudes.

-RAmen

8:32 PM - 33 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Squishy Politics
Category: News and Politics

As you are all probably and painfully aware, the race for the White House started unbearably early.  A YEAR AND HALF IN ADVANCE!!!  So, now I have to listen to countless more "debates" (if you can call them that) about how politicians love children, give stupid reasons why they support the troops more than their adversaries do, why families are so crucial for the development of society, and list reasons why the American people are great (not to mention the whole, "I would like to thank Jesus, my wife and kids, my parents...and so on and so forth).  I have three letters for this:  WTF?!  Who the hell would disagree with them?  No one!  And that's the underlying problem.

What happened to the days when senators would beat each other with canes in the middle of a floor debate?  The only thing I like about Dick Cheney is that he had the balls to say "Go fuck yourself!" and mean it.  I hate fluffy dumbed-down politics, and any senator who stands his ground and doesn't take shit from the competition automatically earns some points in my book.

Politicians these days are too afraid to speak the truth.  They either lie and tell the people, a.k.a. us, what we WANT to hear rather than tell us the truth, or they just dance around a hot issue because they're pussies.  It's even worse when you compare the speeches in primaries with general elections.  In primaries, the candidates say things that they would NEVER say in the general elections in order to appeal to their conservative/liberal constituents.  But when the general elections role around, the opposition uses comments made in the primary elections against their opponents.  "My opponent's stance on the separation of church and state and the Patriot Act clearly indicates that he's a pinko-commie fascist atheist who would spank baby Jesus if given the chance."  But rather than standing his/her ground, the politician under attack pees him/herself and rephrases everything.  John Kerry is a classic example of this kind of dubious slander, and his inability to defend himself made him seem like a waffler.

We need more politicians who are clear and definitive.  At least when we are voting at the polls we will know where the politician stands, other than the fact that he/she agrees that rainbows are inspiring and pretty.  In other words, we need more Dick Cheney-ies(?) (without the evilness).  I am more likely to vote for any politician who has the balls of Dick (that sounds way too wrong) and is honest about his views even if he/she is wrong in my opinion, over a politician who spews out pointless crap (Children are the future! or We need to save social security!).

I remember listening to a Libertarian candidate make the statement that the FDA should be disbanded.  I didn't agree with him at all, but it was such a huge relief to hear a politician speak the TRUTH about what he truly believed in.  Later, a person asked the candidate what the U.S. should do about human rights violations in China.  You know what his response was?  "If you want to change something in China, then go grab a rifle, join a resistance group, and go do something about it" (or something very similar to that).  YES!!!  Sticking to his classic Libertarian ideals, the candidate put the burden of responsibility back on to his constituent.

To me, the politicians who exhibit a great amount of personal willpower and confidence will always have an edge over other politicians who look for easy ways out.  I know many of you will disagree with me and argue that choosing a stubborn politician who fights for the wrong ideals is self-defeating, but, dammit, if this country is going to hell in a handbasket then at least I have the virtue of knowing how it's all going down.  But let me assure you, the person must be ethical at all times.  I wouldn't vote for an obvious demagogue (we don't want any wanna-be Hitlers or O'Reilly's being elected to office).

So here's my stance on this year's presidential race:  The first candidate to beat another candidate with a walking cane gets my vote regardless of what his/her stance is (ethics rule still applies).  Gimme some of that old-time politik!

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless all of us in this insane world.

-RAmen

10:08 PM - 15 Comments - 41 Kudos - Add Comment

Virginia Tech, Depression, and Ken Miller
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

Hello everyone, once again, to another edition of my erratic blog.

Now, I know it's been plastered everywhere on the news, and has probably made headlines in extraterriestrial civilizations, but I feel the need to talk a little about Virginia Tech.  I especially feel connected to this trategy because I have been unfortunate enough in the past to have lost my sister to a drug-crazed gun-toting killer (who has thankfully been caught and is currently awaiting execution in the state of California).

For anyone who has been personally affected by this, I feel very deeply for you.  Whether the person was an acquaintance, a friend, co-worker, family member, or a loved one, it's extremely hard to take in the bad news all at once.  No one can do it well.  I know that when my sister died I didn't know how to react, and I didn't start to cry until I saw her coffin being lowered underground a few weeks later.

DO NOT let despair become depression.  I suffered from depression for nearly a year and it destroyed my social life, my self-confidence, and my overall health.  Even after learning to cope with depression, I still have recurrences of depression, especially with finals drawing closer at my university.  You just have to tell yourself that the feeling is temporarily, and the bad things that made you feel sad were not your fault.  Try to keep yourself busy.  Writing this blog helps me vent and distract me from the pressures of acadamia.  I'm also flying home in a couple weeks for the summer and that gives me hope for the future.  Remain positive and don't dwell on the negatives.

There is also something else I would like to cover.  Dane Cook (a comedian many should be familiar with) once joked that he would befriend and be nice to the weird/antisocial/abnormal person at his dayjob in order to make sure that the antisocial person wouldn't kill him when he finally "snapped".  I can't help but wonder how much truth there is to what Dane Cook joked about.  Cho (the VT killer) was the same antisocial person Dane Cook described.  A lot of rage and bitterness was evident in the massacre, which seems to indicate that he probably felt neglected by society (specifically by girls and the social/economic elite).

If you know anyone who is like this, don't be afraid to say, "Good morning," or "How are you doing?" if you seem them sulking through a hallway.  Even invite them to a party.  Even if the person doesn't go, at least he/she doesn't feel like the world is ignoring or hating him/her.  Even small attempts at friendliness can go a long way for someone who feels cheated by the very people he/she must live and commute with every day.

And now for something completely different...

I will be posting a video tonight featuring Ken Miller, a biologist who supports evolution and severely opposes Intelligent Design.  It's 2 HOURS long, so it is meant only for the most dedicated Pastafarians.  His own speech does not use complicated language, so it is extremely easy to understand.  He also makes good use of humor, so the video is far from boring.  He refutes key illogical ID arguments used against the validity of evolution, focusing most of his efforts on irreducible complexity (baterial flagellum, blood cascade, and the immune system) without the use of Star Trek-esque language.  He also comments on important court rulings, including Kitzmiller v. Dober Area School District, which he was involved in as a leading expert witness.

Michael Behe gets pwned and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.

Also, if anyone could provide me with good publications written about the Kitzmiller ruling, it would be GREATLY appreciated.  It's part of my research project.

So, I hope everyone had a great spring break, and I hope all of you East Coasters out there got through last weekend's nor'easter' without too much difficulty (sorry all of you West Virginia people).

May the FSM bless you all in our journey through life.

-RAmen

9:41 PM - 23 Comments - 35 Kudos - Add Comment

Sleep Deprivation
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life

Jebus, I'm so tired.  It's not really my fault (okay, maybe it is -- I have to watch Ghost in the Shell on Cartoon Network at 1 in the morning everyday) because I have so much work to make up from being away from my studies because of athletics.  Not to mention I'm unable to leave a comment for people when I add them as friends, which makes me feel a little bad.  This has caused a big decline in my health, since I have huge dark circles under my eyes and I contracted the flu.  Living on a diet of pizza and cookies doesn't help either (I would KILL for some Ramen noodles!).

Well, today is ash Wednesday, which made we want to write a blog.  But here's the catch, I'm not going to talk about ash Wednesday.  Instead, I'm going to talk about video game addiction.  Specifically, my video game addiction.

Ever since my season ended, I've really had nothing today outside of school.  It was either swim, eat, study, or sleep.  I really didn't do much else besides manage this FSM page.  So, in order to pass the time during the day, I started playing more video games on my laptop (I upgraded my laptop to play the Elder Scrolls IV:  Oblivion at decent framerates during Christmas).  Well, I'm at level 35 and going strong.  Then I had to get Medieval II Total War, Company of Heroes, and, soon, Supreme Commander.  I've probably already wasted 48 hours of my time playing against the hard computer on the demo for Supreme Commander.  Needless to say, this hasn't been very constructive for my psychology and political science classes.

So, as of 4 hours ago, I stopped playing video games cold turkey, and I won't play another minute of them until I'm completely caught up in all of my studies.  And what's odd is that even when I'm studying, I'm constantly craving and thinking about my video games.  It's disgustingly hard to take notes from my 100 pound psych book when I want to launch nuclear warheads at electronic sprites.  Video games also make it a lot harder to fall asleep, especially since my flu is clogging up my nose.

Tonight, however, will be different.  I will SLEEP, and maybe take my girfriend's suggestion to drink warm milke to fall asleep faster.  I typically don't get knocked out until an hour after I shut my eyes, so falling asleep quickly would be an absolute blessing.  And, hopefully, I will be awake enough to study effectively for German tomorrow.

So, as of right now, I'm completely miserable...and starving.  I haven't eaten for a while.  So, on that note, I'm going to get a Philly chessesteak and maybe a little pasta on the side.

May the FSM bless you all.

-RAmen

5:58 PM - 17 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

The War on the War on Christmas

I'm going to start off by saying that I do NOT support the supposed "War on Christmas".  Honestly, I do not know why anyone would want to ruin such a great holiday.  I don't care if you're some bitter atheist (as I once was, and still am in some ways) trying to end what you see as a Christian intrusion into your personal and governmental affairs; there are far larger religious problems out there than the looming threat of Santa Clause dropping a WMD down your chimney (that was meant to be humorous).  So you say it's really the winter solstice and not Christmas?  Big whoop.  Let the kids enjoy their presents and learn about the Gift of Giving.  Even if Christianity were to disappear from the face of the Earth, I would pray to the FSM that some kind of Christmas-like tradition would still remain.  Besides, if one of you keeps me from getting my Wii this year, there's gonna be hell to pay.

Of course, I can also say the same for the other side.  "Happy Holidays" is not a frontal assault against Christianity.  It won't degrade Christmas, and it certainly won't make anyone forget about a holiday that draws in billions of consumer revenue each year.  Sure, it's clearly political correctness gone mad, but it won't change anything.  I doubt there will ever be a day when someone walks into a Wal-Mart, reads the "Happy Holidays" sign, and thinks to himself, "Damn, I guess Christmas got cancelled."  C'mon Christians, you're supposed to be the optimists here!  Besides, wouldn't it make you feel better that corporations aren't exploiting one of your most important religious holidays just to suck out a few more dollars from your wallet?  Don't you want Christmas to be a more personal and intimate event with your families?  I doubt any Christian wants to have his or her Christmas ruined just because Best Buy didn't have that shiny new plasma TV.  Christmas just shouldn't be that shallow.

What I am trying to get at here is this: Whether or not you have a pine tree in your living room, enjoy Christmas.  It may be hard for some of you, but it's possible to actually enjoy the holidays rather than be embittered by them.  Attacking Christmas, however futile, is idiotic.  No religion deservers to be attacked.  You may mock them (as I love to do), but trying to cause harm is ridiculous.  Even if Christianity is irrational, that doesn't make it evil or inherently bad.  It has it's ups and downs, and everyone is free to take or leave it.

But both sides need to stop bitching and moaning.  Christmas isn't going create a theocracy, and Christmas isn't going to be destroyed by people trying more inclusive toward other religions.  Please, just stop this insanity!

And on that note, I want to wish everyone a merry Christmas AND a happy holidays.  Lower your anti-reindeer flak guns and disband your shopping Inquisitions, and celebrate the ending of our year with the people you love.  Who knows, one of you just might catch me at a Nativity scene.

-RAmen

4:31 PM - 24 Comments - 31 Kudos - Add Comment

Hallow's Eve
Current mood: sore
Category: Life

I said I would get a blog written before the month's end :)

As you are all very aware, today is once again Halloween.  Ghosts, goblins, and ghouls (alliteration!).  I know many of you will be having fun tonight, especially for those of you who will drink to ANY occasion or holiday no matter how insignificant it may be.  I do expect that there will be more in your blood than just diabetic levels of sugar.

For me, Halloween is a much more sober event.  I don't go out and party, trick or treat, or really anything.  Halloween is my sister's birthday, which is a big reminder of her death 5 years ago.  Ever since she passed away, my enthusiam for Halloween has hit rock bottom, as well as for the rest of my small family.  We used to put up decorations that literally covered our house from floor to ceiling in all directions, but now you will be lucky just to see a few cob webs and a pumpkin on the porch.

But morale within my household has been better every year.  My mom isn't depressed anymore on Halloween, and my dad isn't afraid to go out and buy candy for the few tricker-treaters that stumble on to our doorstep.  I still wouldn't call it uplifting, but at least we're doing better at handling our emotions when Halloween rears its ugly head every year.

I can see why so many people are religious for the sake of an afterlife.  Even for me, I would give anything to see my sister again after I die.  I've often wondered about what it would take for me to become a Christian once again, and I would definitely convert to back to Christianity if I was guaranteed to see my sister again in the afterlife.  However, my skepticism of any kind of afterlife prevents me from making such a choice.

Now for something completely different!  Gay marriage has been in the news lately, which is good becuase I am growing weary of Iraq at the moment.  NJ has ruled that gay couples deserve the same benefits as straights.  However, the courts made it very clear that it is up to the legislature to define whether or not these benefits should come from marriage or from a different form of a civil union that is equal to marriage.

Personally, I am not a fan of how marriage is viewed.  In fact, I have a very shallow view of it.  I see it as a bonding between two people, not because of love, but for money and property.  Love isn't an inherent trait of marriage, and neither is continuing a bloodline since procreation can occur without marriage, but both can be an important aspect of marriage.  In any case, if heterosexuals can marry each other purely for financial reasons, then I don't see why homosexuals can't either.  I don't care if they call it a marriage, civil union, domestic partnership, etc.  To me, creating an equal institution with the same benefits as marriage, but with a different name, is the same as renaming "dead" as "deceased".  You still die when you become deceased, which is exactly what happens when you are dead, and both are interchangeable (I've either made an accurate comparison or I just lost about half of you and made a complete fool of myself).  I know some of you will diagree with me on that, but I do see it as morally imperative to ensure that every person is eligible to receive the same basic benefits that every heterosexual couple receives in marriage.

As for my life at the moment, I am very tired, but happy.  I love my girlfriend, I'm doing alright in school (except for German), and I'm doing better in swimming than I thought I would be at this point so far.  I'm usually in my room studying, in class learning, or at the sports facilities training.  I haven't made too many friends outside of my team since I have little time to do anything else, and when I do have time I am always passed out.  I will be heading back home during the week of Thanksgiving, so I will finally get to spend more time with my parents and old friends.

Well, that's my two cents on life.  I'm hoping everything in the future will remain stable so I can keep up with everyone who tries to contact me on MySpace.  Hopefully, I'll have another blog up in the next couple of months.  Yes, I know that's long time to wait for another blog, but for anyone who bitches about that, STFU.  I've got stuff do...

May His sauce guide you,
-RAmen

8:36 AM - 10 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

The Future
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Life

Well, it's been a while since I last posted anything.  In my personal life life I have been training nearly 23 hours a week and taking a summer college course for another 8 hours (not to mention random parties and whatnot on the weekends).  So I've been terribly busy with only enough time to keep up on the ever growing friend requests from new converts.

I'm finally starting college (not the easy summer crap) in 3 weeks.  That may not sound exciting at all, but I'm also moving from California (my home state) to New Jersey for college.  I will be attending Rider University on a sports and academic scholarship, which is very nice since it costs over $30K a year to attend the school.

A lot of my friends and colleagues question my sanity as to why I would move 3000 miles away from home.  At first, I really didn't know why, other than I really liked the look and feel of the school, and the fact that it was very close to so many great locations such as New York City.  But other reasons came in to play as well.  Fights between my parents and I have been steadily growing as I've become more and more independent and dissenting.  I'm growing more and more tired of the crappy white collar suburb I live in where there is nothing to do.  But the largest incentive, besides furthering my education (sarcasm), is that I've met a wonderful girl who lives in New Jersey and I'm very anxious to see her.

These are all reasons why I've been less interactive, as well.  I've tried to respond to as many messages and comments, but it keeps becoming more and more difficult to keep on top of such things.  Mounting pressures and growing responsibilities divert my attention elsewhere, and that will only increase once I start my college years.  I will try to continue to maintain this page as long as possible.  Afterall, it's been an honor to serve His Noodliness through MySpace for a year now.

I would also like to say that it has been an honor to have met all of you, especially those I've actually communicated with (you know who you are).  I'm also grateful to have at least the virtual friendship of the people who merely just added me, because their numbers represent just how widespread the popularity of the FSM has become.

So now I am waiting my last 3 weeks until I must finally leave California.  I am very much free until then, and I do believe that things will get much better for me once I am gone.  I may not be as active when September rolls around, but I will still try my best to keep this site functioning.  And rest assured, I will always keep up the fight against the Creationist agenda of those who support the teaching of Intelligent Design in our public science classes.

May the light of His Sauce guide me, as well as all of you, in the coming years.

-RAmen

8:35 PM - 16 Comments - 31 Kudos - Add Comment

The Divine Blasphemy
Current mood: okay
Category: Writing and Poetry

The Divine Blasphemy

I was surprised when I saw an advertisement on TV saying that Hell was now a great place to take the family. Tours, brochures, travel agencies, and airlines glamorized Hell as the summer's hottest locale, no pun intended. Special deals across television and the Internet enticed people to take a holiday in the dreaded underworld. Hotels and resorts began to sprout up everywhere.

I was bored that summer. I finally had a break from the tensions of everyday life, but I had nowhere to go. I sat in my apartment reading Dante's The Inferno when I put the book down and nearly cried out in boredom. I decided to call my ex-girlfriend to see if she had any ideas. Her boss at Victoria's Secret always seemed to give her vacations every few weeks for no reason. I made my way to the phone and dialed her number. After a few rings she picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hey! It's Scott. I know you have a restraining order placed on me, but I'm dying of boredom. What do you think I should do?"

"Go to Hell," she barked.

"Brilliant!" I exclaimed.

I hung up on her and immediately made plans with my travel agent to venture to Jerusalem and go to Hell. Recommended travel items were a Cross, a Bible, garlic, silver bullets, an exorcist, fruit snacks, water, bug spary, and strong sunscreen. I was unable to acquire garlic and silver bullets, so I hoped that I did not have the unfortunate luck of running into a vampire or werewolf. I couldn't find an exorcist either, because so many Church priests were currently being indicted.

A week later I arrived in Jerusalem. After resting a bit inside of a hotel, I was ready to make my way to the tour guide. A taxi dropped me off next to a large crowd waiting in front of a train. In the distance, the railways led to a large ominous cave. The crowd began to quiet down as a man rose above them on higher ground.

"My name is Virgil and I shall be your tour guide for this evening. This tour is scheduled for 12:00 P.M. We will be visiting all nine circles of Hell and we won't be done until late into the evening. This tour does not include Purgatory or Paradise. Are there any questions?"

An obvious skeptic raised his hand.

"Yes, you. What is it?" asked Virgil impatiently.

"How do we know this isn't a sham?" inquired the man.

"What a stupid question!" responded Virgil. "Do you think we are using animatronics and props? Read the Bible. It clearly describes a place of everlasting punishment. There are so many historical references within the Bible that it must be true. Dante was clearly being literal in The Divine Comedy."

The skeptic was silenced. Virgil then gave the command to board the train. But before the train was able to depart, I saw a billboard that read, "Coming soon, a magical tour through the halls of Hogwarts!"

The train moved slowly and comfortably. The adults were served wine and the children were given small pieces of bread to eat. As we neared the cave, a large gate with the words, "Welcome to Hell, please enjoy your stay," were written above it. I immediately raised my hand. Virgil was immediately agitated.

"What now?" he asked in irritation.

"Those words are inconsistent with what Dante wrote," I said. "Shouldn't it be telling us to abandon all hope?"

"Good heavens! Why would we want something horrid like that written on the gates of Hell?" snapped Virgil. "Who in their right mind would want to visit a place that required a person to abandon all hope? We would make no business! We had to make Hell seem more pleasant in order to attract more people. Gone are the days of the archaic fire and brimstone. We must embrace the new age of Jesus Christ Superstar! More compassion, less judgment. In fact, we should have changed Hell to Heck."

I felt a little shocked and disoriented. However, it did make sense. How was anyone supposed to attract new blood if he or she didn't modernize and make his or her service more attractive? In fact, it made perfect business sense to make Hell seem less grim.

"Opportunists! Have your bug spray ready!" yelled Virgil.

Outside we could see the angels chasing after a banner while wasps and hornets pursued them. A few wasps ran into the windows of our train, but only a few were able to get through. The few rogue wasps within the train were quickly dealt their poison and we passed over the river of Acheron peacefully. I decided to take a nap until we reached the first circle.

Several minutes later, Virgil once again bellowed out. "First circle! The popular Limbo! The land of virtuous pagans! We will spend a short time here and move on to the second circle. Please depart, everyone."

We left the train and continued into Limbo. It was no longer a castle but a futuristic city. Flying cars soared through the air, skyscrapers extended thousands of feet upward toward the ceiling of the cave, and people wearing spandex traversed the sidewalks.

"This city is magnificent," I thought to myself. I then spotted a man walking along the sidewalk. "You there! Who are you?"

"I am Socrates."

"Dear lord! You are the famous Socrates? I am humbled at your presence. Can you tell a little about this wondrous place?"

He thought with extreme contemplation for a moment. "Well, this place is quite pleasant," said Socrates. "There is no pollution, there are cures for every disease, there is no crime, science is making great strides daily, and everyone is generally intelligent and happy."

"I wish I could live in this utopia," I said. But then I realized that this manmade paradise of reason was in Hell, so then I scorned him for not having more faith in God than logic and science.

We once again boarded the train. I watched as the magnificent city disappeared into the distance, but it wasn't long before we came upon the second circle. Virgil's voiced boomed throughout the train.

"Second Circle! Lust!"

Within the circle was a giant tornado with countless bodies being thrown about. To my surprise, I heard many shouts of laughter rather than dismay within the storm. I called out to a person who seemed to be having an especially good time.

"Hello there! Who might you be?"

The man came out of the storm. "I'm Bill Clinton!" he said.

"Oh, how surprising. Well, not really. Why are you so happy?"

"Because this wind is the greatest punishment anyone can ask for. All you do is get blown all day. It feels fantastic. Look, I can do a back flip!"

Bill Clinton jumped back in the storm and proceeded to do a back flip. In his exaltation, he forgot about me and let the wind carry him away.

"Bill Clinton must certainly like getting blown everyday," I thought to myself.

We once again boarded the train. When we reached the third circle, we saw a giant three-headed dog. It was obviously Cerberus guarding the gluttons. Virgil once again announced our location and let us off.

I walked up to the mud that the sinners were buried under. A number of them had their faces sticking out, so I decided to try and converse with them. I spoke to the closest woman to me.

"Hello, fatty," I said. "I'm sorry, I always wanted to say that to a woman. I couldn't resist."

"People have said worse things," said the woman in a southern drawl. "You have some KFC?"

"Or In-N-Out?" said a man in the back.

"Taco Bell?" asked another.

"Wait," I said, "those are all American fast food restaurants. How many here are Americans?"

Thousands of people raised their hands. I was stunned. I decided to go on a diet before I died. They started to chant McDonalds in unison, but Cerberus let out a growl and they became quiet.

Once again I found myself on the train. It was a short time before we arrived at the fourth circle.

"Fourth circle!" yelled Virgil on cue. "Hoarders and squanderers of money!"

Two groups of people pushed giant weights against each other. I saw Bill Gates among the men. I went up to him in anger.

"Mr. Gates!" I yelled.

"Hm?"

"Why in the world did you hoard your money using Windows and squander it on the Xbox? You could have given those billions to charities."

"Yes, but are you not typing this silly story on my Microsoft Word? Would you rather use Notepad?"

"Wait, what? But I..." I couldn't think of a rebuttal. I walked away in sullen defeat. I was shunned by Bill Gates.

I boarded the train once again and desperately waited for the train to leave and then arrive at the fifth circle. I did not wait long.

"Fifth circle! The river of Styx! Wrathful and Slothful!" yelled Virgil.

I saw countless men fighting over each other on the surface of the water. Each man seemed to be in a violent rage. But as I watched them, I stared at the river of Styx. I tried to remember where I had heard of it before. I saw a slothful man floating just beneath the surface of the water.

"Excuse me," I yelled. The man came up. "Isn't this the legendary river of Styx that Achilles was dipped into?"

"Yes," said the man yawning. "So what?"

"Well, doesn't that make you invincible?"

Suddenly, all of the wrathful people fighting each other stopped when they realized they were invincible. They stared at each other for a few moments. Soon, they began talking to each other. A man stood up on the shore and yelled to his fellow sinners.

"Don't you all see? We're invincible! No one can defeat us! I say we band together and get out of this place!"

"Yeah!" yelled another. "Let's go to Limbo. That place is awesome."

All at once they left the river and proceeded in the direction of the lesser circles. I looked back down at the slothful man still partially submerged underwater.

"Well, don't you want to go to Limbo?" I asked.

"No," he said, "those wrathful guys are real jerks. Besides, I want to take a nap." He submerged back under the water.

Once again I boarded the train. This time the train traveled to the city of Dis. It was a rather gloomy city. It was definitely not a place to raise the kids. I could see the sixth circle.

"Sixth circle! Heretics!" said Virgil like a broken record.

The heretics were trapped in flaming tombs. I decided to push one of the covers off the tombs. To my surprise, I found an old friend of mine, Jared Munoz. Jared immediately sat up covered in flames. He looked just as shocked to see me.

"Jared! My God, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, I got hit by a car and now I am dead."

"No, that's not what I meant. Why are you in Hell?"

"Oh. It's because only Catholics go to Heaven. Haven't you read The Inferno?"

"Silly me," I said. "Well, I should get back to the train. Here, let me help you with your heavy lid." I pushed the lid back over the tomb and Jared once again sank back in to the flames.

More riding, more waiting. The seventh circle was upon us.

"Seventh circle! The violent!" said the robotic Virgil. "Due to safety concerns, we will not allow anyone near the violent sinners."

The train switched tracks and slowly circled about the three smaller circles that made up the seventh ring. The middle ring with the bleeding trees caught my attention. I went up to Virgil and tapped him on his shoulder as he was lighting a cigarette.

"What!?" he said in extreme frustration. "I'm trying to have a smoke."

"I'm sorry, but who are the people in the middle?"

"They are the suicides."

"But a lot of people commit suicide because they have medical depressions. And what about those Buddhists during the Vietnam War?"

"I didn't make up the rules."

"Well, then I want to speak to your manager," I said angrily.

"Um, He's kinda busy maintaining the stability of the universe right now. Besides, the Buddhists didn't believe in God anyways," said Virgil.

"Just let him know that I want to have a word with him. Some of these rules are illogical."

"You don't need logic with faith," said Virgil.

The train then switched back to the main track. I rode in an awkward silence. The train slowly traveled along the tracks until we finally came upon the eighth circle.

"Eighth circle! The Fraudulent! There are ten ditches, so be quick about it!" yelled Virgil.

I decided to briefly walk around the ditches and observe. Only a few ditches caught my attention. George W. Bush could be seen being torn apart by little demons along with other barraters in the fifth ditch. I saw Pat Robertson slowly walking around in a lead coat along with other hypocrites in the sixth ditch. In the tenth ditch I saw an alchemist being afflicted with diseases, but I didn't understand why it was a sin to be an alchemist. Before chemistry, alchemists didn't know any better.

I quickly got back on the train and couldn't wait for the last circle. I waited in anticipation for the train to arrive. Finally, Virgil's persistent voice rang out.

"Ninth circle! Traitors! There are four zones, so don't meander about."

I was only interested in the fourth zone, which punished traitors to their lords and benefactors. It was also the zone that housed Lucifer. I ran quickly to the fourth zone and I finally came upon...nothing! Everything was melted. I was shocked.

"What happened?" I said to myself.

"Global warming." I turned around and saw Benjamin Franklin. Behind him were all of the Founding Fathers of America. "Not even Satan's wings could keep the ice frozen."

"So where is Lucifer?"

"Probably in Limbo. All of the interesting people are there. Besides us, of course," said Franklin.

Saddened, I turned around and walked back to the train. The train soon started again and exited through a small opening in the ceiling of the cave. It was pitch black by the time we exited the cave. A depression soon swept over me as I departed.

"Thank you all for coming," said Virgil. "We hope you enjoyed your time in Hell. Please come back soon. Hopefully, you'll still be a tourist when you do."

8:25 PM - 15 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

Speaking Out of Character
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

This is not the usual blog.  This one is more personal.

Ever since the day of my birth I have taken on many different labels and beliefs.  I was born Agnostic, raised Christian, deconverted to Deism, became an Atheist, and now I am something else.  What that "something else" is I do not know.  The best I can call it is spiritual.

Rest assured, I don't believe in any deities or miracles, and in many ways that still qualifies me as an Atheist.  I dropped my faith in the divine when I was sixteen years of age.  But in recent times, I cannot help but admit that I believe in certain things that Atheists would describe as irrational or illogical.

I have been exploring many religious groups in the past few years.  Each one had a profound effect on the way I think.  Admittedly, religions such as Buddhism and Satanism had the greatest effect on my psyche.  Buddhism affected me in such a way that I do consider enlightenment, or nirvana, very plausible.  My mind has also been running wildly, and I have been caught daydreaming during one-on-one conversations with friends and family.  Practices such as meditation have really helped in calming my racing mind and sort out inconveniences in my life.  Satanism, on the other hand, has opened my mind to how religions can be misunderstood.  If any of you think that Satanism is an evil cult, you are very wrong.  Many contemporary Satanist religions don't believe in a literal "Satan" or "Devil", but rather that one should help him or herself rather than others.  Satanism is a little too focused on the individual for my tastes, but it has opened my eyes to how ignorance can lead to hate.

So why am I writing about this?  Because I am ultimately confused inside about what I am.  Simply labeling me as "Atheist" does not fit entirely, but grouping me with a religion would be absurd.  I am very Existentialist in my ponderings, but I don't think that life is ultimately meaningless.  However, I don't believe in divinity, which would completely contradict my statement of a possible meaningful existence.

I am very tired of the Atheist's meaningless existence.  I am even more tired of the religious mind control that gripped me so many years back.

So I have decided to call myself a "Spiritual Atheist."  That might be an oxymoron, or even a blatant contradiction, but I feel it is best for who I am.  Even if life is meaningless, I can provide my own meaning to it.  A constant search for a personal Truth that is uniquely mine and no one else's.

9:35 PM - 14 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment