Move over Troll 2, there’s a new BEST WORST MOVIE
Current mood: amused

Dear God I just sat through "Stan Lee's Harpies," a Sci Fi Original movie starring Stephen Baldwin. An amazingly bad movie that defies all manner of filmmaking. Not so bad it's good, but so bad you feel terribly embarrassed for everyone involved. Yet, somehow, you can't stop watching. Well, maybe that makes it good, but only by way of tapping into a very dark side of your soul where you get off watching people shame themselves and utterly destroy their careers.



Baldwin (who you will come to know as "Jason, The Harpy Slayer") plays a museum security guard with an arsenal of weapons even Rambo doesn't employ. There is a giant obelisk in the museum that dates back to medieval times, which, when combined with an amulet (located elsewhere in the museum) opens a portal to a distant time when harpies and knights battled each other. Prophecy tells of a man from the future coming back to save the land from these dreadful flying females. Baldwin is attacked by cat burglars in the museum, who want the obelisk, and tries to fight them off with Chinese stars. He hides from bullets by ducking behind glass!!!! Then, for some asinine reason, he decides to take a break from the fight to insert the amulet into the obelisk, at which point he jogs into green screen and wakes up in the past. Really, you have to see how he acted this part. He kind of moves his arms a little and goes, "whooaaa!" 

So he wakes up in the past, with his shotgun, and has to save the kingdom from these demons. Sound familiar? Yes, Army of Darkness. Director Josh Becker used to direct Xena episodes, which were produced by Sam Raimi. So yes, this is a direct ripoff, albeit most likely a sanctioned one. Baldwin's character wears the same blue shirt as Ash, and even says "Nifty," instead of "Groovy."

The direction is the worst thing I've seen in a while. Jason teaches the village how to build a trebuchet because he saw a PBS special on one. The archers arrow's flutter through the air, obviously tossed in front of the camera by some grips. In one shot the actor drops the arrow in front of him and they just kept it in! Jason kills his foes by thrusting his papier mache sword under peoples arm pits. Seriously, there was no attempt to hide the bad stage fighting techniques. Nobody says a single line with conviction. Becker must have hired his family to act in this thing. Even Baldwin can't be bothered to say anything with an ounce of effort. I think he showed up for the Craft Service table. There's green screen work in this film that I wouldn't be able to make sense of no matter what chemicals I smoked. One minute Baldwin is on a horse, the next he's falling in front of the moon, then turns into a rock, then is fighting harpies (who are turned around 180 degrees from the way they should be facing). ARRRGHH! What the flying fuck is going on! EDITOR EDITOR EDITOR!!!!

But let's get to the point. What are the Harpies? They're supposed to be fierce, fanged, flying females who rip men to shreds. Instead we get Loraine Newman in spandex after an electrical storm. A group of girls with frizzy hair, ridiculous black eye makeup, fangs and wings bought at the local Halloween Store. The harpies are hardly ever in the movie, but when they are their sole purpose seems to be to squat on pedestals and mimic someone taking a dump in public. While they do this they wave their arms around like they're attempting to do the Safety Dace. Through their sheer white body suits we can clearly see their Victoria's Secret pushup bras and the harnesses holding the wings to their backs. They kind of make noises, like they're trying to be scary, but they sound more like lobsters boiling in hot water. All I could think is that these poor girls thought they were going to be actresses..."Look, Dad, I'm in a movie!" No, sweetie, you just ended your career in two months. But hey, you'll have your figure on digital video to look back on.



Then there's the CGi. The CGI in this movie is an insult to CGI. It's an insult to computers, it's an insult to Speak N Spells, it's an insult to calculator watches, to everything that ever used programming for a gimmick. I think the director video taped his son playing XBOX and tried to insert the imagery somehow.


While more coherent than Troll 2, Harpies is a sure rival for the "Worst Acting in a movie" award. If anyone can arrange a double feature of these movies in a theater somewhere, let me know. I'll be there with my Baloney Sandwich and Black felt wings.

8:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s 3 am, do you know where your copy of Skeleton Crew is?

It's late and I'm still up sick and feel compelled to ask why Frank Darabont ended his movie version of The Mist the way he did? I just finished watching it and I'm baffled. (Baffling)

I don't think it's a spoiler to say the movie ending is different from the book. And completely idiotic. Suddenly we're so desperate for depressing movie endings  that we will stick them where they don't belong? Depressing endings are well and good but they have to fit the story. You can't just go, "Oh hey, kids like dark endings..." Darabont missed the point here. As did horror fans who thought this ending was "ballsy." It's not. It doesn't fit. Don't tack on some lame "dark" ending because it's what you think the geeks want. The true dark ending is in the King story: not knowing. That's what really sucks. Not this forced woe, this forced finality. With finality we're simply left thinking, well, that's over with. It leaves us with nothing to think about. We aren't pondering ourselves in the same situation. (Forced woe...that makes me think of Joey Lawrence for some reason. WHOA!)

I've always said The Mist is my favorite King story, and I knew nothing on film would ever do it justice, so I'm not completely surprised. I was very happy with it until about half way through, in fact. Then is just began to annoy me. There was something off about the whole 2nd half. Maybe it was the rapidly convenient change in everyone's character, maybe it was all the unrealistic choices....I dunno. Marsha Gay Harden should never act again (Or Darabont should never direct her again), and whoever did the effects should bone up on their texture skills because I thought the bugs looked like cartoons.

But the one good thng it did was make me realize how good the King story is. I'm not a huge fan but when he's on he's on. And It makes me want to read some of his latest that I haven't picked up yet, like Cell. So I figured I'd gear myself up for some new King by rereading The Mist to remind me just how good he can be. But when I reached for my copy of Skeleton Crew (one of the few things I've read more than twice) I realized it's in storage in San Diego somewhere. Now that's a depressing ending...to my sick night.

7:13 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A bloody right hook to Stephen King’s son

Look, I'll take my victories where I can get them--I just saw that I delivered the one-two punch to Joe Hill on the Dark Delicacies bestseller list for August. That's pretty cool, considering Mr. Joe Hill has a lot of Harper Collins marketing dollars behind him and won the Stoker (I think,anyway). Oh, I know it don't mean much in the long run, but dangitall, I'm wee bit proud. I mean, sheeeit, I'm proud to even be ON the damn list. (See it below if you're interested.)  And btw, I like Joe Hill's work, and in no way am I trying to dis him. He's a hell of a writer. But kakow!

Dark Delicacies Bestseller List:

2:44 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

home again home jiggity jig
Current mood: adventurous

I'm back in NYC and it's a weird feeling. So much of the city has changed, and so much has stayed exactly the same. Like this morning I walked passed a little sitting area near St. Patrick's Cathedral where I used to eat my lunch when I worked at Columbia House records. My brain did a sort of backflip--Hey! I know that spot! It was exactly as it was ten years ago. Little fountain, some chairs, some cute trees. But the area in Astoria where I'm staying now has completely been upgraded. Ten years ago there were no movie theaters or TGIFs of Pizzeria Unos. It was all bodegas and useless junk stores. Now the area looks great. It's got high end clothing stores, quaint little eateries. Same with Brooklyn, which is really undergoing a revival. Maybe gentrified is a better word, but whatever, I like it. There are a tone of new restaurants, bars, clubs, fashion boutiques, cafes...you name it. I've only been here a few days so I still have plenty of exploring to do, but it's cool to see how much the city has changed. Dare I say it's way nicer than it was ten years ago. (Until I worm my way into the seedy underbelly and become the next big crime lord). There's no place in the world like this city. And the people here are actually normal (Yeah, you heard me San Diegans! You're nuts!) It amazes me.

But first...more job searching.

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Moving to NYC
Current mood: bummed

After 7 years in San Diego...I've decided to move back to NYC. Life just isn't working out for me here the way I want it to. I've had fun, met great people, had a blast in the best band I've ever been in, but it's time to open a new chapter in my life. I'm an East Coaster at heart and let's be honest, NYC is the greatest place on earth. I already gave my notice at work, and informed all my friends. Sadly, this means the band only has a couple of more gigs...I'll miss that a lot. If you're in SD, Make sure you come catch us before I go.

I'll be leaving around the 26th of this month.

If anyone knows of any PR companies/magazines/publisher/etc hiring in NYC...I could use a job. Also, if anyone wants or is willing to watch an outdoor cat...I'm not sure what to do with mine and need to find a home for him. I want to take him, but I will be staying with a friend for a couple of months and can't have him there. I'd prefer to find a temporary place for him until I can pay to have him flown out. Let me know.

I'll keep my phone number until I get there...after that...it'll probably change but you can always contact me through my hotmail account: ryancthomas_AT_hotmail dot com.

That's it folks. Oh, if you're in the NYC area, drop me a line...I'm always looking for cool people to grab a beer with.

--Ryan

11:54 AM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Flesh Feast...yes, another review

Ok, I'm going to have to assemble all these on one page eventually...but anyway, here's the latest review for Flesh Feast.

Bookgasm Review of Flesh Feast

The Undead: Flesh Feast
Review by: Rod Lott

Funny how literature has done what film has not: keeping zombies fresh. The whole apocalypse and survivors-stuck-in-single-location thing has been done to, well, death. While recent zombie movies are content to tread this same path, the folks are Permuted Press know the trick in making the reanimated relevant lies in keeping readers on their toes. THE UNDEAD: FLESH FEAST is the third installment in the small press' short-story franchise, and perhaps the most inventive yet.

For instance, in a twist on I AM LEGEND, Ryan C. Thomas' "Spoiled Meat" features a man who can't get zombies to bite him. He simply can't bring his miserable, lonely life to an end, no matter how hard he tries. Have you ever read anything like that?

Early stories — like Michael Stone's "Memory Bones" and Rich Moore's "Basic Training," which respectively involve a doctor making a house call to a 149-year-old zombie, and soldiers having sex with headless female zombies — may give you pause, but the really juicy meat is just around the bend.

In "Deadtown Taxi," Matthew Bey follows a zombie who still plies his trade as a cabbie, employing Travis Bickle-like methods to save uninfected girls who apply out of desperation to participate in "Live Death Acts" at the local strip club. Meanwhile, A.C. Wise reimagines THE WIZARD OF OZ in "Killing the Witch," casting Dorothy as a witch herself, as well as the creator of The Scarecrow, whom she assembled not with straw, but others' dead limbs.

One of the more bizarro stories is the two-part "Fetalfied-Gigolo," in wich Andre Duza presents the disturbing tale of a woman who talks to the fetus inside her. The catch is that said fetus died 10 years prior, and never passed. It finally emerges, however, to take shelter in the body of a womanizing party guy. My favorite line is a throwaway to describe the mom: "She looked like a clown, the kind that killed folks."

A virtual ghost ship lands on a sandy beach inhabited by "cannibals" in Eric Turowski's "Ile Faim." There are enough of them to have the ship's crew soon saying, "We've got to get off this cursed place." As escapist as that tale is, Kevin Boon's "As the Day Would Quake" rocks with resonance. It explores the daily life of a FEMA "escort" who takes the infected to the "kennels." Things get personal when a "Seize and Retain" order is issued for his own daughter, whom he can't believe is sick.

With a delightfully delirious EC edge is "If You Believe." Scott Standridge opens this holiday number with a mall Santa Claus skydiving to the shopping complex parking lot, but splattering on the pavement when his chute fails. A little girl witnessing it is traumatized, thinking Christmas won't come because Santa is now dead. Her father reassures her it will, if she only believes. Given the book's theme, you can guess the ending; in a less specific collection, the coda would come as more of a surprise, but the story is still a highlight.

Closing out of the book is a weird Western from Tim Curran titled "The Legend of Black Betty," in which a plague going through town is diagnosed by Doc Rifer as yellow fever. But as we all know, yellow fever doesn't kill temporarily. The real object of blame is "some negro whore called Black Betty" who's into "spooky voodoo shit," and after burying his daughter twice, a grieving father goes on the hunt for revenge.

Included as an extra is an excerpt from D.L. Snell's novel ROSES OF BLOOD ON BARBWIRE VINES. It's nice to get a taste of it here, but BOOKGASM recommends you forego the few pages and spring for the full package. Snell is one of the editors of FLESH FEAST, incidentally, along with Travis Adkins, and they've done another terrific job assembling this all-you-can-eat buffet of terror. —Rod Lott

4:19 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Yet another review for Headshot Quartet

From www.dondammassa.com

The Undead: Headshot Quartet
edited by Christina Bivins & Lane Adamson,
Permuted Press, 2008, $14.95, ISBN 978-1-934861-00-4




Four novelettes about zombies, all by authors I don't recognize. The first, by John Sunseri, is set in Aruba. A renegade hitman finds himself in the middle of a zombie uprising that is being directed by hideous sea creatures which turn out to be the minions of Cthulhu. The formula is slightly modified in that they don't rise from their graves, just emerge from the ocean, but otherwise they're the standard George Romero brand that eat brains, shamble a lot, fall to pieces as they rot, don't speak, and seem to exist in unending numbers. The gangster and a woman join forces with a priest and others to stay alive, exchanging snappy dialogue along the way. The snappy dialogue, alas, does not consistently ring true, and the zombie thrills are so familiar that they're generally less than thrilling. Fortunately, the three remaining stories are all outside the mold, with varying results. Ryan Thomas has the best in the book, a novella which is as much an espionage mystery as a zombie story. Someone is behind the rise of the dead, using them for his or her own purposes. Can the mastermind's identity be discovered before it is too late. David Dunwoody chooses a much smaller scale, a remote cabin near a cemetery where the uneasy dead have a hidden agenda. The mood setting is quite good initially, but other parts are corny or overblown and that destroys the effect. Last is D.L. Snell's unusual story set in a fairly typical zombie nightmare, but with a protagonist who has miraculous – though limited – powers and two companions with peculiarities of their own. It feels a bit like a novelization of a graphic novel, but it's not bad at all. So there are two successful stories and two that are not, which isn't bad considering that none of these authors are exactly household names.

10:39 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

And Guitarists everywhere weep

1 Jimi Hendrix
2 Duane Allman of the Allman Brothers Band
3 B.B. King
4 Eric Clapton
5 Robert Johnson
6 Chuck Berry
7 Stevie Ray Vaughan
8 Ry Cooder
9 Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin
10 Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones
11Kirk Hammett of Metallica
12 Kurt Cobain of Nirvana
13 Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead

AND MORE.....


So apparently five years ago, yet unbeknownst to me, Rolling Stone released their list of the 100 greatest guitarists of all time, proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that nobody who works at Rolling Stone actually plays guitar. And if you think I'm just being an elitist, head over to their webpage (link below) and read all the grumbling comments from guitarists everywhere...comments that continue to pour in today (which is why I stumbled across it). It seems almost as if RS is leaving this list up purposefully to entice angry comments from guitarists. Which I guess is a little funny. But still...they haven't done a new one, which means it remains the "official list" by the number one music magazine in the country (if not the world). So I figured I'd get a little jab in myself.

Where to start?

Sigh. Kurt Cobain? Really? At number 12! Sorry, but there is just no way that Kurt Cobain ranks higher than Eddie Van Halen...who's number 70!?!?!. There's no way that Jerry Garcia comes in ahead of Joe Perry and Pete Townshend. In fact Jerry's inclusion is highly debatable, as is Kurt Cobain's. And on that note, why is Joan Jett on the list? I like her music, but she's a garage guitarist. She plays simple 3-chord blues that most high school kids can play. Look, I get that some of the people of the list rank in terms of INFLUENTIAL MUSICIANS, but they don't deserve to be on this list of GUITARISTS, or at least not as high up as they are. Kurt, Jerry, Joan...sorry, get off the list.

Okay, let's look at the biggest omission. An omission so insulting someone really should get fired for it: SLASH. The guy should at least be somewhere in the top 20. But he's not even on the list! Kurt Cobain and Jerry Garcia beat out Slash! Fucking Jerry Garcia beat out slash on the list of best guitarists!!!! Ask any guitarist worth their salt who's ever tried to play the solo from Sweet Child O Mine note for note and they will tell you Slash's material is some of the hardest to play. And yet it's not just random notes finger-swept to sound impressive, there really is a method to Slash's madness with the way he blends major and minor scales in single riffs. When you see what he's doing you kind of sit back and just ask, "how did he think to do that?"

Second: BRIAN SETZER. Yeah, you may not like rockabilly music, but I defy any guitarist to listen to Setzer's riffs and not be wowed. No, he didn't invent the sound or style, but he perfected it. There is simply no other rockabilly guitarist out there with as much grace and influence to the genre than Setzer. It's a disgrace he was left off this list.

Angus Young at 96? What! (banging head against wall)

Jack White at 17. Dick Dale at 31. Jack White beat Dick Dale!!!! What?! (stabbing self in head with fork)

Joni Mitchell? Are you serious? She's a folk singer, not a guitarist. (raping dead chipmunk)

Heavy Metal guitarists are all fairly similar. I DO agree that Kirk Hammet deserves to be way up there. In fact I'd say he should be more around number 8 than 11, but whatever. I guess RS didn't want to saturate the list with finger-tapping, long haired satan worshipers, but the fact remains that a lot of heavy metal guitarists truly are better guitarists than people like Rick Asheton. It would have been nice to see the duo of Adrian Smith and Dave Murray (Iron Maiden) or Dean Pleasants (suicidal tendencies), even James Hetfield (yeah, Kirk gets the solos, but James writes Metallica's riffs AND can pull off most of the same solos). Hell, I'd even say Steve Stevens deserves to be on this list.

The EDGE is clearly on the list because he created his own sound using a delay pedal. Fair enough. I agree. It's not all about playing fast, but also using the guitar as your own unique instrument to influence others. But if that's your criteria to make the list, then where's Peter Buck (early REM riffs), where's Johnny Mar (the smiths), where's Billy Duffy (the cult), where's Andy Summers (the police), where's Joey Santiago from The Pixies?!

Okay, enough complaining. If you're a guitarist like me, you'll want to head over and check it out for yourself. Here's the link: Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists

I hope they quit dicking around with us guitarists and actually do a new list. I mean, c'mon, how is Slash not included. Ugh.

In case you're wondering, here are some of MY favorite guitarists. The guys I think kick the most ass. In no particular order:

Brian Setzer
Kirk Hammett
Slash
Peter Buck
Eddie Van Halen
Tom Morello
The Edge
The Colonel
Andy Summers
Angus Young
Dave Navarro

Yeah, I left Hendrix off my list...sue me.

2:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

MONSTROUS TOC Announced

I've finally chosen all the stories for Permuted Press new antho about giant creatures. If you like films like Them! and The Incredible Shrinking Man...pick this up when it comes out.

MONSTROUS* (working title)
Edited by RYAN C. THOMAS
With an Introduction by STEVE ALTEN
Published by PERMUTED PRESS

TOC (in no particular order):

Nate Kenyon - Keeping Watch
John Towler - Scales
R. Thomas Riley-The Locusts Have A King
J. Thomas Jeans - Nirvana
Greg Norris - The Cove
Steve Alten - Lost in Time
John Platt - Gone Fishin'
Erin Anderson - Jessari
Steven Shrewsbury - Attack of the 500 Foot Porn Star
Jeff Strand - The Big Bite
Patrick Rutigliano --- The Enemy Of My Enemy
Randy Chandler - Cooties
Aaron Polson - A Plague from the Mud
DL Snell - Present Tense, Future Imperfect
Cody Goodfellow - The Island of Dr. Otaku
David Conyers & Brian Sammons - Six Legged Shadows
Guy N. Smith - Crabs
Paul Stuart - Deep Dark Submission
Evan Dicken - Extinction
James A. Moore - Whatever Became of Randy

9:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Win a copy of UNDEAD HEADSHOT QUARTET

Homepage of the dead is running a contest to win a copy of the book. Details at

Homepage of the dead

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