Was watching "Pinky and the Brain" again the other day (so shoot me I love that cartoon) Now I've got that theme song stuck in my head. Then a realized, that's their REAL plot to take over the world. That theme song gets stuck in your head and you can't do anything else.

So we bailed out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac but we need to find the people responsible and punish them, but how? Then it dawned on me, the answer is in the names. The ones responsible for Fannie, sodomize them. Tell them "Your fanny may heal one day, but I doubt it"

For the Freddie Mac people we make them watch Robert Englund movies. (although that may be considered cruel and unusual punishment)

Clay Aitkens has admitted he's gay, "I'll take things I already knew for $100 Alex" One news commentator said how brave he was to come out, it's only brave if people didn't already suspect it. I mean if you announce it and NOBODY is shocked, then you weren't fooling anyone to begin with.

I keep hearing how Obama could be the first black president. So here's my question, Isn't his mother WHITE? So in reality he'd be the first mixed race president. That we know of.

Am I the only one who wants to hear campaign commercials where the candidates say what they are going to do and how they are going to do it? Not just how bad the other guy is.

Oh well in the immortal words of Pinky,

A woman on the radio the other day said "I've raised three beautiful children……"

How come nobody ever raises average looking children?

Or children that are slightly homely but with really nice personalities? I mean the ugly people of the world have to come from somewhere. One guy I work with said that "all children are beautiful in God's eyes" Bullshit! God knows if your going to be ugly or not, that's why he gives ugly people personalities.

It's football season and as the Chiefs announcers say, "now the games count" That's right, the losses are for real now.

X files star David Duchovny is being treated for "sexual addiction" Ok if I put you in the room with the most skanky disease ridden crack whore and you have sex with her, I'll believe the whole sex addiction thing. Otherwise your just horny, which is just part of being a guy. Think about it, if your addicted your going to stick your "Plug" into any socket available. Man, woman or animal otherwise it's just an excuse.

Yet another sign gas is getting expensive, I just saw a rapper driving a Prius.

Just saw a story about a bra smith. There job is to make sure that women have a bra that fits properly. MY DREAM JOB! I mean I really could get my hands on this career. Just wonder what the pay is like. Would it be a case of my cups runneth over or would I barely have two nipples…… uh nickels' to rub together?

I told my friend that I always follow my gut. He said that was an awful lot of traveling.

Did a comedy show to entertain some guys who'd just gone through a fantasy football camp. Made me think about the differences between when I played football and now. When I played football if they would have said "give me 20" I'd dropped down and done 20 pushups. Come to me now and say give me 20, I'm looking in my wallet.

In Texas a 5 year old boy got tired of setting in daycare, snuck out crossed the highway and went to a Hooter's. Way to go kid! YOU ARE MY HERO! Who hasn't wanted to sneak out of what they were doing when they were bored. And going to Hooter's was just a touch of genius. This kid should be our next president.

I still say that if Hooter's could get the women to lactate beer they'd be bigger than McDonald's

"……and what would you like to drink"

"beer"

"Bottle?"

"Uh…..NO!"

Just found out that Alabama is the only state that doesn't have a state slogan. Like

Missouri= the show me state

Kansas= the sunflower state

Oklahoma= Native America

But Alabama has no state slogan so I thought I'd write some state slogans for Alabama.

Alabama: Living life in the '90's. The 1890's

Alabama: Even with a town full of rocket scientists, still one of the dumbest states in the country.

Or

More weird language things that bother me:

Isn't that backwards? Wouldn't you want to make sure and get the name first? What in the process of the butt kicking you break his jaw or something?

"so I just kicked your butt, what's your name?

"maaah mooooo mmeeeell"

"Well It's nice to meet you Maaah."

"oh my god that was a terrible crash, are you okay?"

"I think I broke my arm."

"Yeah well your ugly too."

I'm still thinking the injury is the worse part of that.

This would have to suck. Oh sure he could close school whenever he wanted to. "A plague of locust? And we were supposed to have a test today." But for the most part it would suck

Grading on a curve

"Well I guess I don't need to tell you children who got the "a""

Science projects

"So what's your project?"

"The Big Bang."

"You mean a model showing The big bang theory?"

"No, the ACTUAL Big Bang."

Of course the real fun would be when he got to college and Psychology professors tried to tell him he didn't exist.

Well I guess that's all for now. As my 7^th grade home room teacher Mr. Fernetti used to say,

"……………………………..........................................................."

I never actually listened to what Mr. Fernetti used to say because Leah Miller had to walk past my desk to get to hers. Not only was she incredibly hot, she had a butt that you could bounce a quarter off of. So every time she walked buy all the blood that was going to my brain got diverted to OTHER areas. But I'm sure whatever it was that he said was insightful and…..well probably not. Mr. Fernetti was less than manly and suffered from short man's syndrome, he also kind of looked like he might have been related to Hitler somewhere along the line.

There is a bus here in KC called the Casino special. I'm thinking if your taking a city bus to the casino, maybe you shouldn't be gambling.

"C'mon 7 daddy needs A pair of shoes"

Do you think little green army men get excited about what weapons they're going to get?

"Man I hope I get a Bazooka, I hope I get a Bazooka, I hope I get……SHIT! A minesweeper. What the hell am I supposed to do with a mine sweeper if we get attacked?"

The guy with the radio is going "It could be worse."

On my recent flights I noticed that the smaller the airplane, the more butch the stewardess. On the 737 we had 3 stewardesses all attractive (the redhead named Vanessa was the kind of woman that could make men break laws and start wars) Transpose that with the turboprop that I took on last leg of my trip with Helga the stewardess. Who wasn't a bad looking women (if your in to eastern European women who are capable of jock itch)

Speaking of the turboprop, ladies when they ask you your weight before you board a plane, the mean your REAL weight! Not you drivers license weight, not you internet dating weight, your REAL weight. They asked the lady in front of me her weight, now I wouldn't say she was a big girl but she put the "WHOA" in woman. The ticket agent asks her weight to which the woman replies

"I weigh 120 pounds."

The ticket agent looks at her and then goes "excuse me ma'am"

That's when Bertha gets REALLY huffy "I weigh 120 pounds"

The ticket agent writes something down then asks me "sir how much do you weigh?"

"700 pounds"

"Sir there is no way you weigh 700 pounds."

"Yeah, well there is no way she weighs 120. I was just wanting to compensate. I don't want to smack into a mountain because Jabba the Butt has a vanity attack."

Being on a plane that small was great because whenever we needed to make a turn the pilot would come over the intercom and ask me to lean whichever way we needed to turn.

I'm kidding, he didn't use the intercom, he'd just turn around and ask me. "right turn Ross"

By the way, what's the deal with some of the carry-on's people? I've had apartment that were smaller than some of these. What are you hiding in there, a body? Why don't you just dump them in the river like I used to do with those hookers……….UH forget I said anything about that.

I'm starting my Christmas shopping early this year. One of my gifts is going to be a GPS unit for someone I know. (someone who can't find their ass with both hands and a road map) I know pretty pricy gift, but it will save on panic calls at all hours so I can look up stuff on Map quest. Anyway overstock had some on sale, the only problem is that they had Tourettes syndrome,

"turn left you motherfucker!"

How obsessed with shopping are we that the planes have a magazine called sky mall. I've never felt the need to shop while hurling along at 500 mph while in an aluminum can.

Am I the only one that thinks children should go in the cargo hold with pets? Put them in a carrier with some water and a snack, they'll be fine and they'll be way the hell away from me.

What is it about dropping a deuce in an airplane that is pretty much a guarantee that your going to run into turbulence? And is it really turbulence or do you think that the pilot is just fucking with you?

"Hey Pete, the fat guys in the bathroom now watch this."

Luckily it was just a little turbulence, I mean I'd hate to be on the crapper and have the plane crash, that be embarrassing. Of course if you lived it be even worse

Well I guess that's all for now. I'll be here all week, try the veal.

BTW if you are reading this "T" Smooches

Since it's almost father's day I was thinking about you dad. It's been almost 13 years since you died and although time does help, I still miss you. If I turn out to be half the man you were, I'll be amazed. I may be the comedian, but you were the funniest man I've known. you loved telling a joke and were a natural at it. But more than that you taught me about hard work, perseverance and being a good person. You also taught me the value of common sense and how important it is too think ahead. You made sure us kids could read maps, which serves me well to this day. The little kid in me remembers the smell of your after shave, the scruff of your beard when I hugged you good night and how you played catch with me by throwing a toy football across the basement while setting in your recliner. You must have passed for a million yards in that basement, all 3 yards at a time. But to this day I still catch anything I can get my hands on, and I still throw a pretty mean spiral. I guess what I'm trying to say is:

Dad I love you and I miss you

Ross

It's amazing how a face from the past can show up and the years just seem to disappear. It's also exciting in the fact that you don't know if it's a second chance or crash and burn part deux. I guess all you can do is jump on and enjoy the ride. (No double entendre intended)

Speaking of Crashing and burning what's the deal with Last Comic Standing? Could someone please pretty please with sugar on top put on a TV that shows the true talent of today's stand up? Look at some of my myspace friends. There are some people on there that will make you hurt yourself laughing, so why oh why are you wasting time with the Jerry Springer freak show rejects that you keep bringing up?

I need to spend some quality time in a nice hot tub with a red head and a bottle of wine.

You would figure with all the heart ache that Red heads have caused me over the years, I'd want nothing to do with them. I guess I just can't help myself, they're my Kryptonite.

Change is not always good. Going from Jessica Alba to Jessica Tandy is a change, but not for the better.

KC has banned smoking in restaurants, but they still allow screaming children. Second hand smoke may cause death, but a screaming little unfinished blow job will actually cause you to commit Hare-Kari right there in the restaurant. Japanese suicide in a Chinese restaurant? Is that allowed?

Big brown came in dead last losing his bid to be a triple crown winner, however it was not all bad news for horses as "Sex in the City" was the 1 movie again this week.

Two weeks in a row, that's amazing. Who knew there were that many Cougars and Gay men?

In Germany they are planning on opening a biblical theme park. Makes you wonder what the exhibits are going to be like. The Red sea ride where they part the water and you half to walk across?

The Methuselah ride where it takes 972 years to complete (not unlike a trip to the post office) I would advise having them put you up for the night in the Jesus room. And before anyone asks No I'm not worried about going to hell for that joke. If I'm going to hell I doubt that would be the one that put me over the edge.