another new one
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Let’s Meet At The Corner Of Death And Desire

I
You are invisible, yet I know your scent
though I forgot to attach my nostrils–
my ears are inside out and my left eye is
somewhere on Main Street or maybe it’s
still in the mulberry stained cup I keep  by
the bed, for emergencies

II
I try calling out your name
but I cannot remember

III
You are wrapped in hot pink saran
only your eyes and mouth are not covered
you’re  blue, and I wonder if you can hear me
because, I imagine you are dead

IV
My brain’s been broken; I don’t know how
to ask the questions I’ve been thinking of
for the past seven years:
Do you miss me?
Did you feel pain?
Where are you?

V
My mouth forms words that crumble
like goat cheese

Currently reading : Poet in New York/Poeta En Nueva York By Frederico Garcia Lorca

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oz
Current mood: argumentative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Oz

I used to play Barbies
Take their heads
pop them off and make them
fuck  each other headless
Ken didn’t have a dick
I painted one on–
Then threw him in the closet

The wicked witch settles
down on her broomstick
I imagine her without eyes or mouth
when I grow up, I want to be a policeman
or  an Amazon
so I can protect Barbie

Instead, I will learn about knives
how to cut things up
put them back together
in perfect order
wishing I could rub my
ruby red shoes together
and land in Oz

Currently listening : ...From the Burnpile By Bonfire Madigan Release date: 1998-06-09

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attempt at prose poem
Current mood: angsty
Category: Writing and Poetry

Love At First Sight

Currently reading : Elegy By Mary Jo Bang

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another poem
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

America Needs More Sugar In Her Diet

Fifty dead in Iraq the headlines say
A fire in the Bronx; mother and son
asphyxiated, one firefighter fell through
six stories, shattered twenty-two vertebrae
cannot breathe without a machine

Children replace thought with Xboxes and tv
would rather eat takeouts empty calories
doesn't much matter as mothers can't cook
freezer burned pizza and brownies out of a box

America needs more sugar in her diet
The rate of illiteracy goes up each year
pregnant teens make pacts to make babies
over fifty percent of deaths by guns are suicide
the others are no better–

This country is run by a man who sent men and women
to war over oil and supposed nuclear threat
yet
the words were based on
lies
upon
lies


America needs more sugar in her diet
my husband lost his life that day in 2001
along with all the others trapped in the inferno
the President says "The Middle East is responsible"
kills Sadaam Hussein–

What do I tell my children?
your president isn't that smart
sneaks alcohol behind the bathroom door
he can't help himself?

Headline screams:
Father locks daughter and her
children in secret love dungeon
by the time they find him, he's shot
off his head, no trace of reason left
save a note saying:

I couldn't help myself
I love you all–

America needs more sugar in her diet
corn syrup and chemicals cannot keep
kids for killing themselves
using organic and pharmaceuticals
anything to get high–

Sweet saccharine sugary syrup sapping society

America wake up

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poetry edits
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

More poetry edits...

Toxic Love

We were Frankenstein and his monster
We knew how to push each other
Eggshells pierced with razors
You put my heart in the blender
with vodka and tobasco
Said it would make for a tasty Bloody Mary

I am so tired
I want to crawl into your left nostril
Reach into your eye socket
Take that brain of yours and hook it down through
Your nose like the Egyptians did to the pharaohs
I want to suck your skull dry
Make you remember the me you loved



doing homework, this is new for me!

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back from school...
Current mood: curious

got back on thurs and trying to wrap my head around the next few years
ive so much work to do i can't imagine how i am going to get it all done but
i like challenges, i'm not as worried about the writing poems as the writing of poetry, meaning the
papers, and the enormous reading list, over five books a month, i am a fast reader, but not with poetry, but i want this so will see what happens, going to repost some poems i wrote that i edited at school, still undone but....




Monochromatic Thoughts

Seesaw despair
I want to breathe air
My sister totters
Waves of grief so large
She almost drowns
Her own thoughts

The metronome tick tocks
Our life is ruled by anarchy and fear
Ignorant others do not try to understand
What it's like to live your life sitting on a couch


In Group they say, We get embarrassed by their actions.
Who wants to keep company with someone who goes through the trash?
Can't have dinner in a restaurant without a fight.
Shut up! I want to shout.
You don't know what it's like.
Miranda says, My mother has taken to shitting and peeing herself.
She's becoming her mother.
Wanting to take on the illness
Wear it embroidered on her heart

My sister, eggshells pierced with razors
Protecting her from her mind


I know what it's like
I could stay in this room forever
Meals delivered, men off the internet, dvd's on demand


My hand sticks to the keyboard
Gangrenous and poisoned

I want to connect
I want to breathe fresh life
The metronome tick tocks
The razor grows thin





There's Not Enough Glue In The World

The last thing you said to me was I love you
as you kissed me that Tuesday morning
it was unusually warm, election day
I remember how the smell lasted for weeks after–
the rotting of flesh has a particular odor
mingling with the new suit I could not throw away
I can't remember your smell any longer




I know that regret is edged like invisible
barbed wire that lights up like fire flies in the midnight
sky, I want to take back the last year of our life, change
myself, take back thoughts of not loving you enough
with passion, and the way a woman should love a man–
There are days I think I will float through clouds
until I find you waiting there, for me
Other times, I breathe in, I breathe out–
Telling myself, I am not a zombie
I wonder if you can hear me thinking?
I want to know if we have the same dreams
death is like regret, missing you is harder than losing
my limbs, heart, or brain; I can still remember
I want obliteration from you
yet, you will not go away–
I will only present my strong self to the world
no weakness seeps thru; if I allowed it
I would break into a million parts

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friends and such
Current mood: grateful
Category: Friends

last nite my closest friend eric won best chef of midatantic for james beard award
ive known him since he was 23, he's 36 now–
as we were walking into the awards, i thought to myself, this is the last time he wont be recognized, bc after, everyone will want a piece of him, bc i knew he would win
and he did–
it was the first year he could be nominated so it was awesome that he won
a few years back he was one of food and wines top ten chefs
i knew when he was 23 that this would happen bc he is not only a great cook, but he doesnt get upset by anything, i can fight with a stone, yet, in our whole friendship, we've had just two fights

he is the one i go to when i am suicidal, when i cant speak, when i want to bury myself
he doesnt try to fix me, he is just there
i love him because he understands me so well, when jon died, he took care of me, i stayed with him and he mended me without doing a thing

i wish jon was there last nite, bc he knew eric would win too, we went to atlantic city and gambled back in the day, and drank beer and bbqd and went to dinners we couldnt afford, we planned to take the concord to paris and eat at ducaisse, eric loved jon, we had great fun together

its really incredible when your friends do well, eric doesnt cook for any reason save he loves food, he is one of the kindest, most unique and difficult, yes! but special people i know


to friendship

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stuck
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Writing and Poetry

ive been stuck, writers block, emotional block, blocks in general
dont know why, well, i could dig deep and figure out, but i dont want to–
school in two weeks so i have to get it together now

my cat is getting old, i dont like it at all
i am getting older, hate that too
i wanted to be 27 forever, good age, young enough to hang with young people
old enough to be with anyone
now i am in my fortieth year, jon didnt make it to 34
my father said i look mature, ha, that means old!
people are always surprised by my age, guess much younger, but i feel it

and those close to me see it
i want to stop the clock, stop everything

go back in time and begin again...

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writing
Current mood: awake

i write of what i know, and what i do not
some people want me to write about them, others beg me not to
i've been with people who thought i was with them, simply to collect material
and i've been with people who didnt understand me at all because they wanted me to write love poems, i dont do that, if you know me at all, you know i dont
my nonfiction, the memoir, of course, is real, poetry is sometimes real, sometimes not
always comes from a root of something but often its surreal
my imagination is large and i am creative, i loved maurice sendak since early childhood...

mystical, magical, fairytale, wonderland–
alternate universe

augusten burroughs said once, dont censor yourself when you write or you cant write
i agree, i write what comes to mind and mine
sometimes its easier than others
when life is bad, its easier for me to write
at the reading the other nite at the salon, it was very difficult for me because so many people
came up to me and wanted to tell me that they wanted to nurture and hug me and how my writing
brought up emotions in them that they had but could not articulate
i love that people feel, but do not want to discuss–
that's too personal, too real
i am visceral, used to think i was cerebral, i am not
why i write about the gut so much
ok, that is all....
oh, wait, chuck p june 2, barnes and noble!

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farms and friends
Current mood: content
Category: Life

i just got back from PA
was there for just a few days
i want to move to a farm in the middle of nowhere
i cant bc i dont have the money but if i did i would
i would live here part of the year, and go there on weekends and summer
i love the smell of veggies, of dirt, of life–
tim, my friend the tomato farmer, has a beautiful farm in eckerton, well
not really sure, where its at, hamburg, virginville, leharntssomething? but the point is
it made me jealous, bc he is so passionate, so excited about what he does
and that is what life should be about
not trudging along worrying about money and existence, tho he does that too
but an asparagus, and romaine speckled with color, and the perfect tomato, workers that have
been with him ten yrs, and tims face shows every line of sun and love, he is a character, one of my favorite people, bc he is full of passion, intense, and beautiful inside and out, saves me the best tomatoes and knows what kind of chili peppers i like and what a pea should taste like
there is nothing like eating veggies straight from the ground
i got some plants and putting them on my roof today
should have tomatoes coming of everywhere in a short time, and i cannot wait!
makes me very very happy!
now i just have to find a farm of my own

xoe

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life...
Current mood: angsty
Category: Life

i have been busy
getting ready for school and summer approaching
migraine for three days
took this drug that knocks me out
my friend says it like being drunk which is sort of true but it makes
me so sleepy that it doesnt make it worth it
my doctor was afraid i would get addicted but whats the fun of being asleep?
tho my ex (he used to be an addict) says thats very fun

i am feeling impatient and antsy
dont know why
i want something to happen
had a dinner party the other nite and as per the usual, ate too much sugar(magnolia bakery)
which i think is why i have the migraine
their keylime cheescake is subime
getting ready to plant tomatoes and basil and i cant wait


i need ideas for poems, pls send me inspiration!
and if you want to read as a feature at a salon, let me know–
i am reading this month, pls come...

anyone into yoga, let me know, i am feeling lazy and need to up my practice, so want people to do it with! thanks
xoxo
e

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life is what you make of it
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

last nite i chanted in the soho loft again
i cried the whole time bc i have some stuff going on
and chanting brings it to the surface
near the end i found out that this really beautiful alive wonderful woman is suffering from
cancer, she says they cut it out but they want to do chemo and she isnt sure she wants it done
it made me realize my shit is pretty fucking small when i think about it, my hamster is running, rolling freaking out on me, but this young woman is dealing with some really big stuff
i need to shut up and realize my life is not that bad
i forget sometimes, i feel sorry for myself bc i allow the stress and anxiety and fear to overtake my mind, i need reminders to reign me in
these beautiful people thanked us for coming into their home, it made me cry more
chanting, slowing down, going to a reading, reminders that life doesnt revolve around me and my shit, that there are such bigger issues, i need to remember that, breathe, meditate, write more,
relax–
think of this woman, send your thoughts to her, to everyone sick, needing help, in any sort of way, we all do,
xo
e

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life and other things
Current mood: calm
Category: Life

i havent written in awhile because i havent had much to say and have been busy with things like trying to get ready for school and get my rooftop garden together, neither is finished

i have to choose six poems for school and i hate that, i feel like its putting me in a box, this is what erika is about, they will be workshopped and then put in an anthology of some sort and onto the website, i dont do well with boxes

on another note, the salon last friday was amazing! thanks kim, ian and joanna and bob
sergia and tobias too!
best yet...
the next one is tentatively set for may 23 and i am going to be reading this time, yes, i will, in preparation for school, and some other awesome people, if weather permits, on the roof so pls come! i might even get some cupcakes from magnolia....and make sangria to celebrate summer–

pls bring something to read, we would love to hear your voices too, anything, a poem, a song, whatever, just three minutes or less

xoxo
e

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the beauty of ny again
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

i went to a reading last nite
i didnt know much about it, just that it was about
taking inner rage and turning it into art
and the book is called "Live Through This:On Creativity and Self Destruction"

the speakers were amazing, strong and powerful, and full of light
made me want to be alive which is not always the case
one woman, in particular bonfire madigan, a cellist, brought me to tears, her words so powerful
her language, her instrument, what she has used to protect her from madness since the fourth grade
i started playing the violin when i was eight, my sister soon after, the cello, we grew up in a home that was a warzone, i used books as my protection, language all the same.

words, music, language, tattoos, food,sex, doesnt matter– communication moves us, or at least that is the hope, otherwise, arent we zombies?

some days, i feel like i am a thinking too much, other days, nothing at all, and out of these womens experience, i felt a kinship, because i am not alone in my alienation of self

always felt this way, why i read carson mccullers and flannery oconnor as a child
i related to them so much, isolation, loneliness, fear, and awkwardness
i have never grown out of it

people dont see the inside girl, just the outside one
the two are the same, yet do not seem to go together.

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i love new york
Current mood: distractable
Category: Life

last nite i went to a reading at petes candystore
was supposed to see AM Homes but she was sick
so saw another reader and when she was thru, my friend knew the next
performer so we stayed for him, he was amazing, played the banjo and guitar and
sounded like a crazed bob dylan(look him up-andrew vladeck)
only in ny, it was free, it was awesome, met new people, had a lovely evening
unexpected and fun–
this would never happen somewhere else
in the summer they have outdoor space everynite free music and often they have readers, check it out

so i am getting ready for school, have to choose poems to bring, not excited at all, they have to be good but not too good, what does that mean???
and remember the salon is next friday, pls bring a few poems to read! and if you want to be featured or know someone who does, let me know for future readings, summer is around the corner meaning outdoor readings!


This looks way better in fonts, but cant do this in this computer. so use imagination....
xoxo
e

Illness has infiltrated me. I take a blue pill for anxiety,
another for my libido, one for energy, one for relaxation.
Is this how Alice felt when she was small?

Remember what the dormouse said, "Feed your head, feed your head…"

Let's go chasing rabbits–
I am the Walrus…

My doctor say I'm doing well.
I cannot think! I want to shout.
But, you aren't anxious….

Heroin, Haldol, Lithium
Opium, Paxil, Topamax
Valium, Xanax, Zoloft

Mass psychosis/group hypnosis
magic mushrooms and chesire cats
roller coaster rides down the magic slide

Bette and Richard eating holes through walls of rice pudding
while Hansel and Gretel cook the bitch
Mother said don't talk to strangers–

Grimms' Fairytales are not full of happy endings
I can take you to a place in Chinatown where
one can get "happy ending"for seventy five dollars plus tip
My girlfriend used to give them until her back gave out–

Now she works as a dominatrix in a dungeon downtown
One client asks her to eat Taco Bell before seeing him
You can't pay me enough for that
She gives men catheters and fists them
with her hand covered in Crisco
even so, I wonder how it fits inside
and what it looks like coming out
she makes them lick the toilet clean after their enemas
does cock and ball torture and forced feminization
I wonder sometimes, what sex is like for her in the dark
Has she gone down the rabbit hole?

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