I’m Doing It For Carl
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life
Blogging, that is. He told me to blog more. I'm not sure why. He rarely comes to read, but I'm not gonna be bitter about it or anything.
Sooooo..... what to write about? Well, let's see - I had a flat tire on the way to work this morning. As luck would have it, I've let my AAA membership lapse, so I have no alternative but to call my super-hero husband! He's already at school, but said he'd be right over, which he was. I won't go into every detail, but let's just say Mr. LongEEE might be long on EEE's but he's damn sure short on patience. And when things don't go well ... wellllll .... I'm glad a friend of ours happened by and took Cupcake and her friend into the drugstore next door so I wouldn't have to explain the meaning of all those new words he was making up. The fact that he had to crawl on the ground and get sweaty and dirty in his shirt and tie while the car kept slipping off the jack (I was on a slight slope) AND the fact that once we got the spare on, we discovered that it was flat, too, just didn't set well with him. Ooops.
Anyway, our friend took my KISA (knight in shining armor) back to school, I took husband's truck and delivered the kiddos to school, then went to purchase a new tire. How, I wondered, would I ever get the damn thing on the stranded vehicle and get husband's car back to him? I'm happy to report that it sure doesn't hurt to be what passes for an attractive female in these parts who knows how to make pleasant conversation with the mens at the tire store. By the time it was over, they had gone and pumped up my spare, drove the car to the tire place (while I waited comfortably in the lobby), replaced the bad tire, then helped me deliver husband's car back to him. I think I'll take them some donuts or something in the morning. Because, you know I really do need another tire and some balance/rotating action soon.
In other news – It's reported that there might be a picture or two (thankfully un-incriminating) of the fabled all-girl party I spoke of in recent past.Further, you'll get a double bonus because they're posted at the no-more-mysterious Mt. St. Helen's page.She is finally revealed.
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Sunday is the 18th wedding anniversary for Mr. And Mrs. LongEEE.Last year, he forgot all about it and you KNOW I blogged it.We'll see how he fares this time around, God love him.
Going to an adults-only surprise 40th birthday pool party for one of our friends tonight.It's fun welcoming all the young whippersnappers to the club.All those smart-asses that thought it was sooooooo freakin' funny when it happened to you.Let the games begin.
That's it for now, friends.I gotta run, so I won't be around to field comments until a little later.But don't let that stop ya.Come on in, grab a cold one from the fridge and make yourselves at home!Annnnnnnd……..GO!
All Things LongEEE
Current mood: angsty
Category: Life
Hello Boys and Girls!
What's everyone up to? I've been meaning to write for ages, but you know how it goes, right? Ok, maybe some of you every-day-ers don't know. Bite me (a little harder), then settle in for an update on all things LongEEE.
Sheesh! Where to start with it all? I don't know. Hell, I wish I had some mad thought-organizing skeelz, but I'm thinking that's a little much for an adult with A.D.D. to hope for, so let's just jump right in. Try to hang on as there could be several out-of-sequence moments. Just think of it as one of those spiffity Quentin Tarantino movies, and we'll be just fine. OK? OOhhh, look, something shiny!! Sorry. Ok, here we go ....
First off, a couple weeks back I was the happy attendee of a Grown-up Girl Slumber Party! (Swampy, Ferret, Carl, et al., insert fantasy moment here) SIDEBAR: Don't you think the term 'schplitzing the schmeckel' is one of the funniest damn things you've ever heard?
Sorry, back on task ... My friend, Joyce, had a birthday and decided she wanted to have a SLUMBER/POOL PARTY, WOOHOO! Lord, she sent out Disney Princess party invitations and everything!! Now, I can't divulge everything that went down but, honey, let me just tell ya that there ain't much more fun than a group of booze-swilling, cigarette-smokin', trashy-talkin' (oh, and Tiara-sportin') women staying up all night with no men or children around!! Let me further add that, although there were no witnesses to the late-night, drive-by, Disney Princess face-stamping that SOMEONE committed, you should make sure that ink shit is washable before you consider committing the crime. And that's all I'm sayin' 'bout THAT! I would like to tell you that I have pictures to share, but you all know I'm lazy, err, I mean technically challenged as hell, so I wouldn't be holding your breath on that one. Which is really too bad, cuz you all would have finally gotten a glimpse of the mysterious Mount St. Helen (you people remember Helen, of "GREAT SNATCH" blog fame.) Oh well, word has it she might be in the Witness Protection Program ... A-GAIN! And, have you ever noticed how some people just get sooooo pissy when you mention the word 'blackmail'?
What else? My flower girl got married this past weekend. What I mean is, my niece, who was the flower girl in my wedding, got married! And I was so happy for her!! Until I realized that it's actually been 18 years (next weekend, thankyouverymuch) since I and my beloved Mr. LongEEE walked the gauntlet, I mean aisle, to pledge our undying love and commitment to one other. Then I just felt really old. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful affair. The bride was a true Princess, and I managed to make it through the evening sporting a pair of vertiginous heels and a plunging neckline (ok, I pinned it a little -didn't want to look like a total slut at my niece's wedding) with little incident - a minor bobble in the shoes and no noticeable wardrobe malfunctions. Thank heavens for industrial strength corrective undergarments, amen. But, lord, child, let me tell you when I got home and took that thing off .... have you ever blown up a balloon then let it go and watched it fly around the room? Well, let's just say the release of pressure from said undergarment made my husband run for cover.
In other news: The Cupcake started at her new school yesterday!! Man, she couldn't have looked more pitiful when I left her in the cafeteria at her class table. I knew she would be fine, but dammit, how come they're so good at making you feel sooooo bad. And it wouldn't have been so bad, really, this new beginning except ... EXCEPT ...
WARNING! CHICK CONTENT JUST AHEAD:
Folks, I don't even know how to say this. I'm having a hard time comprehending it, myself. I discovered Sunday evening that my little Cupcake is ... is ... there's no delicate way ... the Cupcake is turning into a full-fledged, 3-layer confection. In other words, people, Mother Nature has descended upon us in a way that we dread and had hoped to not see for some time. (Raising angry fists to the sky) Mother Nature, I'd like to bitch-slap you!! Saints preserve us and pass me some more alcohol, for the LOVE OF GOD! Ok, I admit I knew it was coming. The signs of an early bloomer have been quite evident, what with her growing fangs and all when asked the simplest of questions and then melting into tears two seconds later. But, like many things in my life, I thought if I just pretended it wasn't so, then it wouldn't happen, right? Cuz, I'm magic that way, right? RIGHT?!? Not so much. Oy vey.
NON-OVARIANS MAY CONTINUE READING NOW
So, the good news is, my little band has a gig this weekend! Yay! Shit, I'm nauseated just typing those words. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom .... Ok, back. It's been a long time since we've been out in public and the old pipes are a little rusty. I'm nervous and excited and just hoping I remember all the words, and I need new guitar strings, and what if nobody shows up, and what am I gonna wear (OHMYGOD, I got the CUTEST shoes the other day for FIVE DOLLARS!!) and ... and ... and ..... (slapping myself in the face, Moonstruck style, and screaming SNAP OUT OF IT!) Why do I do this, again? Oh, that's right - I'm a closet attention whore that loves music. If only people wouldn't look at me. Directly. I gotta go to the bathroom, again.
Alright, sports fans, I gotta wrap this up. I'm out of time and subject matter. Need to bust a move on home and see what the husband's cookin' for my dinner. That's right, he's my bitch. The good thing is, he knows it, and I smile real sweet-like when I say it.
Hey kids! Sorry I couldn't update everyone on the car stalker mystery yesterday, but I was off work with the CupCake and, let's be serious, the only time I have time for this MySpace thing is at work.
So, for all of the curious, I will let you know that I tried to do a thorough stake-out on Wednesday evening to try and catch the perp. responsible for the mysterious reclining driver's seat in my car. Admittedly, this was made more difficult by the fact that I substitued alcohol for the coffee and got reallllly sleepy around 2 am. That was after I sat on the front porch, chatting on the phone until well after midnight. I couldn't find the ball bat I was gonna use for a weapon, and since hubby wouldn't divulge the whereabouts of the ammo for the pistol in the house, that wasn't going to do me any good. My only weapon was the phone on which to dial 9-1-1, and a couple of yappy little Yorkies that would love the opportunity to lick someone to death.
As it turns out, I heard nothing and witnessed no activity in the wee hours, and by 2:30, I was (mostly) asleep.
BUT....... Just so you all know .... I locked the cars Wed. night and, interestingly enough, my seat was not disturbed when I checked it Thurs. morning. Hmmmmmmmm........
So, here I am back at the grind, today. I'm swamped with work, and there are numerous blogs to catch up on. I'll be by to read what everyone's been up to as soon as I think I can get away with it (read: when my boss goes to lunch).
Then Momma Bear said, "Somebody’s been sleeping in MY car!"
Current mood: stalked
So here's the thing ... For the last two mornings, I've gone to get in the car to find my driver's seat fully reclined. It's one of those fancy, schmancy electrical doo-dads that requires the pushing and holding of a lever on the side of the seat to make it go up or down. Now, yesterday morning when I discovered this, I thought it strange but quickly assumed that it was something I inadvertently did. Perhaps when I leaned in to pop the hood so I could put oil in the car, I accidentally pushed the button. A fairly far stretch, but it could've happened. I did not worry. Much.
So, imagine my distraughtness when I went to get in the car this morning only to find the seat, once again, fully reclined. Hmmmmm. Being the logical individual I am, I quickly run through the possibilities. Was it me? No, I'm far too vertically challenged to ride all Gangsta like that. Could it be the Cupcake? Fat chance in hell she'd go outside at night by herself even if she thought it was a perfect opportunity to prank mommy. Scaredy-catness trumps pranking. What about the dogs? Nah. The fur balls are too short to reach the door handle, and too lazy to stand with their paws on the lever for as long as it would take to push the seat back that far. Perhaps if they employed the help of the looming German Shephard next door, but considering he could eat them for Scooby snacks I'm thinking, not so much. This leads me to the conclusion that some vagrant is using my vehicle as a resting place during the night. Keep in mind that nothing is missing from the car - cd's, dvd's (I realize the possibility of a homeless person possessing anything on which to play said media is slim, but they have street value, no?), my tanning lotions (hey that shit's expensive!) and any combustible materials which may or may not be mine, officer, are all still in place. Someone just needed a place to rest their vagabond bones? A clean vagabond, though, as I did not detect any hint of smelly, homeless ass in the vehicle. HMMMMM....
Now, I did consider the fact that maybe it's an electrical issue. Something amiss in the system? That only happens to go amiss in the middle of the night? I don't know. I think this calls for a stake-out. Tonight, I'm thinking I'll actually lock the car in the driveway (something I don't ever do), then stay up on watch, holding a baseball bat and swilling coffee in the dark waiting to see who or what the culprit is. It does not help that Mr. LongEEE is out of town, dammit.
Oh, and before I go, I'll leave you with a bit of a Crumb from the Cupcake: "Momma, I sure am glad God gave us ears, cuz I really LOVE music!" Amen, baby, Amen! Lord, I love that child.
Hello my fellow degenerates!Dang, I've been on a blog roll, lately, no?Thought I'd start this one off with a few THINGS THAT I KNOW … truths of the universe that have proven themselves over and over.And over, again...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
THINGS THAT I KNOW:
I know that sending that good luck chain email to all of my friends isn't going to make my wish come true.It's just going to irritate my friends.
If the scroll button on my cell phone hasn't worked for days, I know that when I take it to the phone store it will work for the tech.I further know that the moment I get half-way down the street after leaving the phone store, my scroll button will not work.
I know that when it rains, it pours.I also know that seldom applies to the good stuff.
And, speaking of rain, I know that it will rain within 24 hrs. of me washing my car ...even if there HAS been a month-long drought.
I know that the temptation of lit candles in the home of an overly curious and extremely mischievous child that must see everything to believe will eventually be too great to resist.
I'll be adding to this list, periodically.Feel free to add your own!!
So … it's been a long time since I've had my hair done.I was months overdue for a cut and color.I can't begin to describe how raggedy I was feeling.The color was starting to look so mousy (mousey?The color of mice?)I feared Tawni might try to slather me in bbq sauce and cook me!(Note:I realize she's one of about 2 who'll actually get this, but that's ok – just know it's funny)Anyway, when Kunta Kinte' called and told me he wanted his roots back I knew I had to act fast.I got on the phone and quick made an appointment with my beacon of couture coiffure – this man:
Yes, friends, that's my brother-in-law.Don't let the fact that he's a candidate for the short bus fool ya.The man's a color savant.
Now, if you're a woman, you know that the beauty process is seldom painless nor is it pretty.There's a little of this:
And some of this:
Before we finally get to this:
And I won't even get into medieval torture known as brow waxing. DAMMMN!!!
Oh, and let me just share one more little Thing I Know ... I know that the moment I step outside to smoke a cigarette with foil on my hair, deep red color on my brows and sporting a big, black cape is the EXACT MOMENT someone I went to high school with and haven't seen for 20 years will drive by.
Can you believe I finally did it?! Posted, I mean?
Current mood: thirsty
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Forgive me friends, for I have sinned.It's been 3 ½ months since my last blog.I wanted to blog, really I did.I had sooooo many ideas.But I'm lazy.Laaaaa-zzzzzzy!Or busy, depending on which excuse I'm partial to on any given day.Anyway, I just decided that, in order to break the ice and my dry spell, I'd just blurt out some stuff...
Ok, here goes:
My summer so far … let's see … I went on vacation in early June.That was fun!We rented a big mansion of a house right on the beach in Hatteras, North Carolina (that's the Outer Banks).A total of 12 adults and 4 kids.Not a bad ratio.I love it because it's so non-commercialized.Not a lot to do.Our days consisted of lounging by the pool, drinking, laying on the beach, drinking, eating, late-night skinny dipping, hot-tubbing, drinking, eating, night-time bonfires on the beach and drinking.And drinking.OH! – wedid actually attend the beach wedding of two of our friends, and that was really fun.Cupcake and one of the other little girls with us were the "shell" girls.Instead of flower petals, they got to drop seashells from their basket.Cute.Later, there was a reception at a restaurant across the street called Dirty Dicks, where their motto is "Get your crabs at Dirty Dicks!"Classy, I know, but dining options are very limited in the area.Anyway, there was a nice buffet, and I serenaded the happy couple and their guests with a couple of songs on my guitar.I love vacation but I swear I had to come home to get some rest and give my liver a little relief!!Seriously, you're on vacation so you stay up really late cuz you don't want to miss anything.And you don't want to sleep too late in the mornings because you don't want to miss anything and DAMN, I was TIRED!!
So, what else?Oh, here's a nice little CRUMB FROM THE CUPCAKE for ya (I know, you guys have been starving, haven't ya?)It seems CC is quite pissed at that legendary duo, Adam and Eve.According to her, if it weren't for the two of them and that unfortunate apple-eating incident, we wouldn't have to go to school or wear clothes.Bitches.
Oh, and get THIS!The other night, we're watching TV.CC and her dad were wrestling as they are wont to do, she's laughing and trying to get away when all of a sudden she says, "Get off, you bastard!"My head spun around like Linda Blair!!WHAT??She knew it was wrong, because as soon as it came out of her mouth she said (still laughing), "I don't even know what that means!!"Wellllllll …. Let's just say we had to have a little discussion on words that you hear but don't understand and yet repeat.Truth be told, Mr. LongE and I had a little chuckle about it later, but don't tell her I said that.
How I spent my 4th of July weekend … I've got two words for you – FAMILY REUNION!If you want, you can just download and listen to a song called "Choctaw Bingo" by James McMurtry, and I won't have to type any more about it.I will say that it was good to see some people I haven't seen in years (decades, even) and to find out I can still hit a softball (got a double, thankyouverymuch) while drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.I will also say that it is NOT a good idea to eat anything off the buffet table after a few hours in the July heat.Just sayin'.
Alright, people.I think this is quite enough for an ice-breaker.Besides, I damn near put myself to sleep typing this snoozer of a blog, so I can feel your pain as the reader.So, let's light up the comment section with your witty banter!!Oh, and if anyone can tell me how to deal with a flock of demon birds with irritable bowel (scratch irritable, I think PISSED OFF is more appropriate) and a penchant for eating berries and releasing them on my car … please let me know.
Yeah, so here it is - my second blog in as many days. What’s up with that? And I don’t even know why I’m writing except I’m doing what I do best which is avoiding responsibility. Procrastinating. It’s an art form for me. Putting off what I know I should and need to be doing. I don’t like to rush into anything. I work better under pressure. I can’t remember where, but I read somewhere once that reincarnation must be a procrastinators dream. Ha! I’ve decided to be a believer and have adopted it as my new life slogan.
Annnnnnnyway, let’s see .... what’s going on? Yesterday, as all three of you know, was CC’s b-day. She came home yesterday feeling all 10 and stuff. I kept trying to hug and kiss on her and was informed that I was really getting on her nerves. What? Just because I want to love on you for your birthday? "It’s too much for my birthday, Mom, get off me!" Fine. Then I suceeded in ruining the whole day and turning it into the worst day of her life (again ... why do I keep doing that?) for making her study her spelling words last night. What can I say? It’s my job to make her miserable, right? I take it seriously, and I’m (apparently) very good at it.
Hey, why is it that kids are obsessed with poop and pee? They think that shit’s (pun intended) hysterical! The other day, CC is in the backseat (birthplace of some of her most profound thoughts) and says to me, "Momma, what if everything froze at one time? Wouldn’t it be funny if you were pooping and all of a sudden the whole world froze and your poop froze coming out of your butt?" The thought of that was so freakin’ funny to her! She couldn’t wait to get home and tell Dad. She told him during dinner, naturally, which meant the two of them (juveniles that they are) spent the remainder of dinner coming up with various related scenarios of frozen bodily functions. I think I’ll not be making meatloaf and spinach again for a while. Uh huh.
So, not only am I certified P.E. (Procrastinator Extraordinnaire), I also have difficulty remaining focused. Which means this is the part where my blog with no particular destination derails and rides free style into Nowhereville. I got nothing. Nada. But I so love hearing from, and engaging with, all of you fine folks. So, I’m opening the floor and inviting you all to just talk about whatever. Talk about basketball (GO CARDS). Talk about what you had for dinner. Talk about each other. Tell me what you’re doing this weekend. Speak of your inner-most fears. Ask questions about the universe. Talk about your dog’s testicles. I don’t care. Let’s SHARE!!
adventurous
angsty
stalked
full
thirsty
distractable
blessed
amused
