Koreans with oversized sunglasses
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

This shit needs to stop immediately (unless you're Elton John - since you invented this, I'll let you stick with it for just a little while longer)

Currently reading : Spectacles & Sunglasses (Pepin Press Design Books) By Pepin Press

4:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Two Chinese gold medalists are actually, Titanium robots!
Category: Sports

Everyone was faked out, but the spark of truth lit up during the 10-meter platform synchronization finals in the Water Cube on August 12, when I noticed the unusual body motion and "calmness" shown by the two Chinese divers, Wang Xin and Chen Ruolin. While viewers were stunned by Wang and Chen's unbelievable precision, I also noticed something overlooked by the overwhelmed audience - the exact same physical profiles that only belong to the twins - but they have different last names.

I went on to investigate the histories of these two "athletes". It became obvious quickly that neither existed two years ago, at least according to the international knowledge. In addition, their prior records were incredibly simple, or incomplete. It's almost impossible to find out any past stories about them, if there were truly any.

The spark of truth became even brighter when I got hold of a Chinese magazine - Official China Weekly. On the June 8, 2006 issue, there was an article about Hi-Tech robots made for the Olympic Games. It stated that at least two Titanium robots were completed, by HuaWei Technology Corp (http://www.huawei.com). The article didn't specify what the robots would be used for. Given all the Hi-Tech elements shown in the opening ceremony, it's not too much of a stretch that they were made to "divers".

During the investigation, I also met an American (Anderson Brown) who was at the Water Cube on August 12, telling him what I saw during the contest. Anderson witnessed a group of five men in a luxury viewing box, with some complex equipments, probably remote control/monitoring device. They were not interested in the dives, except of the Chinese divers. In fact, Anderson recalled, their attention was always focused on the Chinese divers, regardless what else was going on in the Water Cube.

I presented my findings to the IOC this morning, along with some other strong evidence yet to be disclosed. Given the inarguable facts, IOC officials promised a thorough investigation.

No news matches the magnitude of this one. Although previous accusations on the simulated firework or lip sync generated big fanfares, after all they were parts of a performance show, openly announced by the Chinese to the public. But the impact and damage of this one can never be under-estimated.

Meanwhile, I have instantly become a hero, and the most famous blogger in South Korea today. Asked about how I feel, I said: "Great, it helped me getting over the fact that China is sitting on top of South Korea on the medal standing… I'm also glad that I made it ahead of other people. If I don't make up this story, the Koreans will."

Currently watching : Sixty Million Dollar Man Release date: 2001-06-19

12:43 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m an usher at a lesbian wedding

With all of the gay marriage debate going on, I just wanted to share this story as a way to discuss it in a funny manner, instead of either supporting it or defending it like a zealot. But first, you might need some background. The names and identities of the following cast of dysfunctional characters will be changed.

I have an Aunt. Let's call her Thelma. Thelma has always been very, very gay. When I was growing up, it was always her and her longtime girlfriend, let's call her Louise. I thought it was normal. My aunt and my aunt. As kids we're innocent and so it was no big deal. Then I became a teenager and Thelma and Louise had been together for over a decade and wanted to take it to the next level and start a family. But they didn't want to adopt, nothing could ever just be done the easy way. So they looked to artificial insemination. Louise went first and the process was less than ordinary. They went south to visit with their gay friend Russell and asked him if they could borrow his baby batter. He agreed. How they procured the sperm is a story I'm glad I don't know, but Louise got pregnant from her gay friend's sperm, and my first cousin was born. Then my Aunt Thelma wanted to experience the joys of childbirth as well. It was set sail to Russell's house once again to get some more gay spunk. Now my aunt is impregnated and a second artificially inseminated child is born. And the girls are actually half sisters because they share the same father (gay Russell's man juice created both of them) but different mothers.

Alas, love isn't always enough and Thelma and Louise's 13-year "marriage" ended with a separation. Although heartbroken, my Aunt Thelma moved onto another woman, let's call her Bertha. Bertha sucks. I mean it, she's just terrible. And she's hardcore Catholic, and hardcore Catholics think gays are evil and will go to hell. She must have a ton of inner conflict. Now here's where things get complicated. Thelma and Bertha wanted to have more kids. So my Aunt Thelma gets pregnant again -- this time through sperm she found in a catalogue -- and a third artificially inseminated cousin was brought forth. But that wasn't enough, no not by a longshot. Bertha wanted in on the action too. But alas, Mother Nature can be cruel and Bertha was not able to conceive a child. At least not through conventional methods. But thankfully, these lesbians are anything but conventional. So they formed a cohesive strategy to get Bertha pregnant. They'd take Thelma's eggs, fertilize them with sperm (from the catalogue again), stick the fertilized eggs in Bertha and hope for the best. Well little did we know we would get not one, but TWO more artificially inseminated cousins. That's right ladies and gentlemen, twins. God Bless America.

So that brings us up to speed to the lesbian wedding. As everyone on this board knows, it was legalized on Monday. This haphazard wedding was planned only a couple months ago and my Aunt Thelma only asked me to usher on Wednesday night. Needless to say I was surprised and a little hesitant. You see, I'm for gay marriage. However, gay people freak me out sometimes and especially Thelma's friends. She associates with the most stereotypical bull dykes you've ever seen. I'm talking angry as fuck, agenda of rage rug munchers whose hippie and New Age antics just go up my ass sideways. And besides, how the hell am I supposed to seat people at a lesbian wedding??? "Hello, good afternoon. Are you with the bride or the...uhhh...bride?" Thank God my brother and father (just about the only straight people who'll be there) are also in the wedding or else I'd go insane. My father is giving away Thelma and walking her down the aisle. He's giving away the groom at a lesbian wedding. Now that's just funny.

So when you're complaining about gay marriage and railing on and on against how bad it is, just be thankful you're not seating them, walking them down the aisle, and listening to stories of how Russell ejaculated into a cup so that my cousins could be born.

Hey, I'm just sayin...

Currently watching : Therese and Isabelle Release date: 2006-02-21

3:29 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sexiest trashman ever!

I know you probably get this a lot, but you are the hottest garbage man I have ever seen. Every Thursday, I wait at my window desperately at 8:00 AM waiting for you. I love your strong muscles; not matter how heavy my waste is, you have no problem lifting it. Sometimes I hide bricks in there just so I can see your sweaty big muscles in real action. You may know my house specifically because I always leave my old lingerie lying on top of all my other trash. I put it out there for you, you know. I want you to have them. Don't worry, I spray a little perfume on them before I toss them so they don't smell anymore. Anyway, if you like what you see in my trash, come inside sometime, there will be plenty more of where that came from. ;)

Love,
Your Secret Admirer

P.S. I'm single with no kids. All the diapers are from my grandmother who lives with me.

Currently watching : Garbage: Tell Me Where It Hurts [Region 2] Release date: 2007-07-31

10:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public
Current mood: drunk
Category: Romance and Relationships

We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a guys gotta be on his guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't have to go if I don't want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent man so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really handsome with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stella" with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

Currently watching : Rent a Cop Release date: 1995-02-22

5:44 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I’d like to punch your face in!
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Friends

Yeah, it's true you stupid bitch. I'd like to punch your face in. You drive by and see all the cars in my driveway and wonder what's going on. You wonder why you weren't invited. Oh, but no you had to be invited. You quickly call when you arrive home and ask what's going on. It's the going away BBQ remember. Oh i didn't tell you? How odd. I could have sworn i did. I know i told Sam to tell you. He must of forgot. You'll be down in a few minutes? Great! You're bringing your youngest son. The one that likes to climb trees and act like he's screwing them. How nice! Sure bring him along. I love how you tell all my guests how you were driving by and felt horrible because you weren't invited. And then asked them when they were invited. Oh time for you to head home. Oh how i'm sorry to see you go. What's that? You still need to tell me how you were driving home and thought you weren't invited? What does it matter you never invite me to your house for anything and we've been "friends" for about 5 years. Oh you only have one party a year. Oh thats right. The cookie exchange. Oh and i came 2 out of the 3 years. By the way your crumbly organic cookies taste like shit! Yeah, i know you regret not coming to the once a month party at my home all these years but how could i not invite you to this BBQ.

Go home and eat your shit organic food and fuck off.

PS you're not getting your fat ass on my Wii Fit.

Currently reading : I Hate You: Stamp Kit By Chronicle Books Staff

2:25 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Giant Undies

I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5'4'' and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only...no perverts.

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Currently reading : Earn Extra Money In Your Spare Time Selling Knitted Underware On-line By Jassen Bowman

11:22 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

NEVERMIND!
Category: MySpace

NEVERMIND! Dirt changed dirt's mind. Dirt is too afraid of Myspace strangers to give out dirt's address. Dirt will just suck it up and spread around the yard, sometime... soon. (Oh who is dirt kidding? Dirt will live in the driveway for months). But NEVERMIND. And thank you anyway for the nice emails, except for those of you who were spooky, creepy and/or really insane.

Currently watching : Holiday in Dirt Release date: 2005-02-22

1:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dirt Cheap
Current mood: still dirty
Category: still dirty Fashion, Style, Shopping

I am slightly disgruntled because some people cannot read. I am only dirt. I only have $20. It's not like I'm mud or fancy rocks. I'm just dirt. DIRT CHEAP. Please don't waste dirt's time by emailing dirt and asking for more money. DIRT isn't here to subsidize your myspace lifestyle. Dirt just wants to be gone.

Currently watching : Dirt Merchant Release date: 2002-06-11

11:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dirt
Current mood: dirty
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Hello.

I am dirt.

See?




I need to move out of the driveway. I'm not really that much dirt. Just what was left over after digging fence post holes.

Could you haul me away? Far, far away?

I am in Glenhaven. That's just South of Sudden Valley a bit.

I will pay one person $20 to haul me off. Please?

Thanks in advance.

Yours truly,

Pile of Dirt

Currently watching : I Dig Dirt Release date: 2003-05-10

11:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment