My Friends Are Wierd
Category: Life

I was watching the movie Ray, and it shows how Ray Charles can tell if a woman is fat by shaking her hand. He feels how much flesh is around her wrist, and that way he can guess how much the woman weighs. Well, I have a friend who has an even better method. He claims he can tell if a girl is fat just by fucking her. He's not blind or nothing, it's just how he feels most comfortable figuring it out. And you know what? It's a good thing he has this method, because it turns out these girls usually are fat! Like he always says, it's a good thing he fucked her and found out she was fat  before he did something he regretted.

My other friend is a Siamese twin. I say "friend" because I am only friends with one of them. I used to be friends with both, but one of them passed away recently. It was really sad. Apparently he found out that he was adopted. It's hard enough to learn that your mom and dad are not your genetic parents. But to learn that your twin brother is not really your brother? That's tough to  get over. It's probably why he stepped in front of that train. His poor parents couldn't even give him an open casket funeral. They had to have him cremated.

10:52 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The High Price of Gas
Category: Life

Have you ever had a lot of gas? I mean a LOT of gas. This is usually the result of eating Mexican food, drinking beer, or in my case, breathing air. And if you are in a public place, and have even a little bit of class, you have to hold it in. This can be for a very long time, for example, if you are in church or fucking a chick. And you just hold it, and hold it, and hold it, and hold it. And then your stomach starts to hurt. And then you start to sweat. And you want to let it out, but you just can't. Now I'm wondering, when you have all this gas built up, if you stood on a scale, would you weigh less than you normally do?

11:12 AM - 7 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

2 (Very) Short Stories
Category: Life

I recently bought a new laptop computer. It's great, because I can access the internet from anywhere in the house. This is very convenient when I have to work from home. There is only one problem – I can never get on the computer because my wife is always using it. She takes it all over the house to play solitaire. She plays it all the time. Apparently I have just bought an $1800 deck of cards.

Here is an actual conversation I witnessed today between two co-workers.

Co-worker 1: "You're full of shit. That's a bald face lie!"
Co-worker 2: "It's not a 'bald face lie' you idiot. It's a 'bold' face lie."
Co-worker 1: "So you admit it?"

5:57 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Adolf Hitler’s Balls
Category: Writing and Poetry

Imagine you're a waiter. And no other than Adolf Hitler himself walks in the restaurant and sits down at one of your tables. How embarrassed would you be if you had to tell him the soup of the day was Matzo Ball?

I like to surf the internet and watch tv, so I see ads for almost every product there is. And it seems to me that there is a pill for pretty much everything these days. There's a pill that makes your dick bigger, a pill that makes your tits bigger, and now there is a pill that makes you cum more. Cum like a porn star, they say! I ask you, who the hell would want this pill? And what sick bastard would take the time to invent something like this? Image you go to college for 4 years to become a scientist. And then you go to graduate school for another 2 years. And then you get your doctorate for another two years. And after all that schooling, and all that knowledge, you say to yourself, "I'm going to make guys cum more." The only thing that makes sense is if the Scott's Tissue people were behind this pill. But what I'm waiting for though, is a pill that gives you pepperoni nipples.

6:14 AM - 16 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Pot (belly) at the End of the Rainbow
Category: School, College, Greek

I was sitting at home the other day watching Oprah a sporting event, and they were talking about these "rainbow parties" that are all the rage with the kids thses days. In case you haven't heard, rainbow parties are where a bunch of kids get together, all the girls wearing a different color lipstick. The girls then take turns blowing each of the guys. The term "rainbow" comes from the different lipstick colors left on each of the guys dicks. I am not making this up.  If you don't believe me, google it.

Isn't that crazy? These loose morals just make me so angry. Because why wasn't this going on when I was in school? When I was in high school, I used to think, "I can't wait until I get married. I'm going to have sex every day." Now that I'm married I think, "I wish I was in high school, I'd be having sex every day!"

And the scariest thing for me is thinking that my daughter may be going to these rainbow parties when she reaches that age. Now not only do I have to get her a chastity belt, but I also have to get her one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.

6:17 AM - 22 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

20 Little Known Ways to Tell If You’re a Lesbian
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Last week I posted "20 Little Known Ways to Tell If Your Gay". (Thank goodness one of them was not Doesn't know how to spell "You're.") This proved to be a big hit, as two thousands upon thousands of men learned  that they are gay because they either eat bananas or refer to cola as "soda pop". Since then, one many womaen asked me, "How can I tell if I am a lesbian?" I tell all these women the same thing. Let's have sexual intercourse right now, and if you throw up, you are a lesbian. I was surprised to find that although a large percentage of the women did indeed vomit, none of them were in fact lesbians. Or, I should say, at least they weren't before we had sex.

So, without further ado, I present you the top "20 Little Known Ways to Tell If You're a Lesbian."  (Try as I might, I could not come up with 20 ways.  So here are the top ten.) (I guess this wasn't without "further ado", as promised. This sentence itself, is, apparently,  "ado".)

1. You get sized for a new bra every afternoon at Victoria's Secret. You never wear a bra.

2. When you introduce yourself to others you say, "Hi. I'm Barbara Walters."

3. You play shortstop for the New York Yankees.

4. You beat me at arm wrestling in front of all my friends that time at Shenanigans. You know who you are.

5. You're happily married and pregnant with twins (Angelina Jolie only.)

6. You enjoy playing soccer and/or softball because you are highly skilled at these sports.

7. You enjoy playing soccer and/or softball because you are highly skilled at the post-game shower.

8. When faced with a moral dilemma, you ask yourself, "What would Rosanne Barr do?"

9. When the waiter asks if you prefer your clams steamed or baked, you always jokingly reply "bearded." (You are not joking.)

10. When I asked you out on a date, you said "no."

5:59 AM - 19 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

20 Little Known Ways to Tell If Your Gay
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

It seems to me that a lot of "gays" come out of the closet late in life. Some are afraid to admit their true feelings. Some are confused about their true feelings. If you are one of those that are confused, I am here to help. Below is a quick test that I have come up with to determine if you are gay. Read each of the 20 questions, and write your answers on a sheet of paper. When you done, add up the number of questions for which you replied Yes. If you answered Yes to one or more questions, you're gay.

1. You drink milk.
2. You eat bananas in public. (See my previous blog)
3. When you urinate in a public bathroom, you have a noticeably weaker stream than everyone else.
4. Your favorite radio station has a morning zoo.
5. You have planted pansies.
6. You know who hosts Trading Spaces.
7. When ordering a fast food meal, you choose not to Super Size.
8. You know your significant other's birthstone.
9. You refer to your significant other as your "significant other".
10. You eat ice cream out of a cone instead of a cup.
11. You have a MySpace page. (Hey, wait a minute!)
12. You have ever refused an alcoholic beverage.
13. You use a non-allergenic pillow for your daily afternoon siesta (Mexico only.)
14. When faced with a moral dilemma, you ask yourself, "What would Andy Dick do?"
15. You eat 100 calorie snack packs.
16. You have ever cried. Ever.
17. You play shortstop for the New York Yankees.
18. You drink diet soda pop.
19. You refer to soda as "soda pop." (Hey, wait a minute!)
20. You enjoy sucking dick.

6:19 AM - 9 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Man’s Best Friend
Category: Life

Have you seen the section in the card store that has cards from pets? Before I got a dog, I would laugh at people that bought these cards. Now my wife buys them. My dog gives me cards all the time! And lately it's escalated way past just a card. In the past year alone, the dog gave me a card for my birthday, flowers for my anniversary, and a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day. It's getting out of control. In fact just last week, for my birthday, my dog gave me a blow job.

Have you ever heard the expression, Come hell or high water? "I'll be there, come hell or high water." What an annoying thing to say. Isn't this kind of trivializing hell to compare it to high water? Let's see. With hell you have the devil, damnation, and eternal fire. With high water, your shoes get wet. It's like saying, "I'll be there whether they castrate my dog and anally rape my grandmother or if I get a hang nail."

5:36 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The MySpace Guide to Munching Rug
Category: Romance and Relationships

Today I am going to address the pink elephant in the room. Or at least the pink vagina.

Men today have lost the fine art of licking carpet. Guys have been brainwashed, by the plethora of high-quality internet porn, into expecting women to have a perfect baby oven.  "It's too hairy!" "It smells!" "It has lesions all over it!" Waaaahhh!  Get over it. It doesn't have to be perfect. And don't worry about what the girl looks like either. You're not eating her face! Just sit down and enjoy a meal at the fish canyon. You won't regret it.

Now you may be saying, sure I'll give it a try, but how do I even find a broad that will let me tongue-clean the gravy boat? The answer is simple. Lower your standards.  Some of the least desirable chicks have the best tasting crotch tacos. In fact, I've compiled a list to help you get started. So print out this list, keep a copy in your wallet, and start moisturizing the old moustache.

• Playboy model – Let's face it, you'll never get this. Ever. But in case you were wondering what it tastes like, its rather plain. Sort of like licking a wet sponge that was only used once -- to clean a pan that a tuna steak was cooked on.

• Burn Victim – Now this is more realistic. Find yourself a nice burn victim, and I guarantee that she'll let you munch on the first date. Maybe sooner! And best of all, it will taste like fried fish. Yum!

• Chick with a yeast infection – I know that this goes against your first instinct. But trust me here. Yeast + Fish = Delicious Fish Sandwich.

• Eskimo – Ever taste a frozen fish stick when you were a kid?

• That ugly chick that works at McDonalds – Another easy score. Find out what time her shift ends and meet her after work. Go down on her right in the parking lot. The trick is to do this as soon as possible after her shift ends. She'll still smell like fried food. And since its scientifically proven that 98% of taste comes from smell, her finger warmer will taste exactly like a McFish sandwich. Best of all, when you're done, tell her you'd "like fries with that." She'll laugh and laugh.

• Potato Farmer – Fish and chips.

• 500 pound chick who lives in her bed --  This is not as easy a score as you would think. You don't meet these girls out on the town, seeing as they are too fat to leave their bed and all. But if you ask enough questions, you will find one. And she will let you munch. And she will be wet. Very wet. Clam chowder, anyone?

• $50 Hooker –Not a $5000 call girl, but a $50 hooker. Chances are, she will have crabs. And surprisingly enough, she will taste like chicken.

10:53 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

1st Annual “Fill in the Joke” Contest!
Category: MySpace

Welcome to the 1st Annual Jokes and Naked People "Fill in the Joke Contest". Unlike many of the other "Fill in the Joke" contests that you previously entered or seen on tv, in this contest you don't fill in the end of the joke. Here, you are given the punch line, and must fill in the beginning of the joke. (Don't bother googling them. I made them all up and they don't have any real beginning.) Fill in the joke for as many of the 5 punch lines as you like, or none at all if you are a dick. Enter early and often. (That's what she said.)

1. So the Eskimo says to the black guy, "I think he's talking about you!"

2. Then the blind guy said, "Sorry officer. I don't know how he got dead!"

3. The priest held out his hand to slap him five. But instead the midget slapped him silly!

4. Then Elliot Spitzer said, "Hold on, Miss! I thought Fluffy was your cat!"

5. And the gay guy said, "I don't care about either Jack or Jill. I was Jackin' the Beanstalk!"

3:07 AM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment