what to do?!
Current mood: distressed

So.
I'm working overnights at this athletic clothing store called Lululemon.  Kind of overpriced yoga clothes.  They are nice, just overpriced.  They are a funny company.  They are into what I call "secular mysticism" or "black magic".  You know, all that stuff in the secret.  All the "this is the secret of the universe, now go out and make money, and get higer up in society!"
Yeah, but it's pretty cool nonetheless.  They give you free classes for anything fitness related. 
But it's only for a month.  Then the abyss of unemployment envelopes me again.
What to do?  It sucks having no marketable skills.  I need me a nice boring job.
Life is kind of uncertain now.  Money is an issue more than it ever has been.  My thoughts have been focused on the future more than ever.  It seems like any plans I have had for myself are either derailed, or too distant to be relevant now.   Now I'm forced to say, what AM I supposed to do?  It's not something I've really had to think about.  There has usually been a plan of some kind.  It's kind of like having the ground taken out from underneath. 
Yet another winter that was ill prepared for.  I somehow just don't know how to get things in order in any kind of sustainable way.  The world has resisted my attempts to organize a life for myself that supports my needs and dreams.  Fuck you to demiurge.  It's really hard to play the earth game.  Play by it's stupid rules.  It's reaallly tempting just to divorce from it.  Get rid of desires.  Go shave my head and live on a mountain.  That has it's problems too. 
Both sets of problems require hard work.  I wish I new how to do the work.  I'm willing. Well, part of me is willing.  Part of me is a stubborn ox who refuses to move. 
Hard work really makes me feel good.  Training all the time.  But somehow I always fall off.  My life needs to be set up to make that easier.  The warrior/scholar dream seems so appealing and so hard to attain!  Well, maybe I'll go do some Tai Chi....
-Devin

Currently reading : The Bonfire of the Vanities By Tom Wolfe Release date: 1987

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Just a little bit longer.....

So, I put in my two weeks at integral yoga.  It's about time.  When you get as irritiable as I've been getting, you know it's time to leave.  When you find yourself punching the wall several times a day to prevent yourself from punching a person, get the fuck out. 
Hopefully I'll be working at this high school on the lower east side.  Good money,  Good hours. Vacations.  Benefits.  Free college.  Let's see....better in just about every possible way?  yeah.
I'll finally be able to take martial arts classes!  Oh how I have longed for the joy of punching a face.  Fighting is a form of expression and release that I haven't really had too much of these last say....3 years.  It's kind of like not having sex for 3 years.  Kind of.
The William Chen school seems promising.  External AND internal.  Booyah.  A tad expensive. 
Yeah, having   money will be good.  Even if I don't get this job, I will do something.  I will bartend.  The schedule will suck even more, but at least I will have money in my free time right? 
When I have a shitty scheduel and shitty pay, I have no time to do anything, and can't do anything that costs money when I do.  Lose lose situation. 
Saturn in virgo.  Planning, and enacting the  plan.  Getting things in order.  Building the life I imagine.  I feel better the more martial arts I do.  If I do an hour and half or more a day for even 3 days in a row, I feel pretty fucking good.  Why not just build on that?  Why not feel that good all the time?  It's worth rearranging you life around for.  Follow your bliss rigtht? 
It's not the easiest mode of expression to follow.  I sit in  union square, and watch people sometimes.  there are the break dances.  Obvious.  You go to the park, you learn from people, you breakdance.  Very straightforward.  The capoeira groups.  Same deal.  The skater kids. Same thing.  You go, you do, you make community.  Can't exactly go and start punching people now can you?  Even when I see martial arts kids hanging out, there is no real desire to hang out with them specifically.  There is always that annoying first conversation you have to have "what style do you?"  "what style do you do?"  and then the passive aggressive attempts to assert your assumption that your style is better. (I do this to, except that my style and teacher ARE better, I've shopped around enough to know.  Your teacher may be a good athlete, but does he have super-powers?)  I don't really want that.  Maybe that is neccessary to get past it, and form a relationship of mutual trust and respect neccessary for a good sparring partner.  Most people won't stay at the agreed upon level of intensity once they start to not do so well.  They are all well and good playing light untill they get outclassed.  Then ego gets involved and seeks revenge.  Which is kind of like pulling a knife on the person you are fencing with. 
Maybe community is easier and better to find though schools. 
ok, I'm rambling.  Basically, things are starting to reorganize in such a way that I can begin building the life I've been picturing for sometime, but didn't have the gumption to start creating.  Wish me luck!
-d$

Currently reading : Godmakers By Frank Herbert Release date: 01 September, 1986

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moving on, changing, making a coral for the lazy cow.

Yeah, I have been wanting to be a training all the time superstar, but it's hard. I'm just so lazy. It's hard to get out of bed. Stupid mars in taurus. How do you get by it?
I'm hopefully going to start a job in october that will give me more time and money to work with. Well, less time actually, but a more regular schedule. I'm (hopefully) going to be an aid in this high school for troubled kids. 14 an hour, plus overtime, plus lots of paid vacations. Thank fucking god. I'm so sick of working in the food service industry, and making doodley squat, and having a schedule that lets me sleep all day.  Cause let me tell you, if I can sleep all day, I will.
yes. I'm trying to reorganize my life in such a way that my natural tendency towards sluggishness is negated, and my inclination towards disciplined pursuit of awesomeness is emphasized/promoted.
Wow! That's it! That's exactly what I need to do. Sometimes writing shit helps you understand and make concrete what you are thinking.
So I'm looking at a different new job (fuck bartending). I may get this gig at Yosef's mother's school. I would kind of just help out doing whatever, and make like 14 bucks an hour, plus overtime, plus paid vacations (yes, all the ones the kids get!). I'm hoping this would give me the time and money to start taking some kickboxing classes.
It's been hard to keep any kind of training discipline lately. Some weeks I have it and I feel great, some I get lazy. I just have trouble getting out of bed and staying motivated and such. I'm thinking with a ealier schedule, I can sleep in less, and use my body more. Move around more. Learn more. They even pay for college classes, and the more credits you have, the more you get paid.
I want to enter a part of my life where things really work for me. Where I have more control of my time. As in, I can say "hey, I want to be spending my time training, and achieving awesomeness" and then actually do it. Instead of sleeping in, or watching cartoons. I can't figure out the what is in the way/missing.
I also want to be interacting more with others. I've had this social itch lately. I want to learn the whole social dynanics/nlp thing. I want to teach a chigong class. I want to meet new people that I like. I'm starting to want to like people. I'll also never be able to meet people for bodywork if I don't meet people period, if I don't WANT to meet people. Also If I don't seem like someone that you would trust to administer some kind of wacky energy healing that you have never heard of before.
I just have all of these things I want to do, and I'm not doing any of them. I think of all the things I would do when I have afternoons free : External martial arts classes, internal martial arts classes, yoga, college classes (history, psycology, literature, etc...) teaching qigong classes, doing sessions, hanging out with people. I think that I won't possiblly have time for all this. But then I think that I barely do any of that now! What the fuck! I have all these things I want to do, and I'm not doing any of them! WHy didn't I leave my job months ago! I wonder how naive I'm being to think that just changing my job and schedule will really change so much. But it really feels that way.
Now I play the waiting game. 
Fuck the waiting game!  Let's play hungry hungry hippos!
-d

Currently reading : Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies By Jared Diamond Release date: 11 July, 2005

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blasting out of stasis.

Greetings true believers!

Inspiration has struck lately.  The challenge has been to find ways to contain it, give it form, help it enter manifest reality. 
Something has needed to shift for a long time.  A bodywork clientelle is not happening.  Not that it won't ever, but there are no signs of growth at the moment.  But growth is still desired.  Gradual progress while the sort most likely to be integrated, can at times seem like stagnation.  A pulsing between gradual growth, and times of explosive change is ideal. 
So yeah, I'm going to bartending school.  There is always the love/hate relationship with integral yoga.  I will keep a day or two there to keep the things I like about it (the people, the space to use for training, the discount, etc...) while going off to make more money.  It's nice to be able to work towords things right?  Money wise, that's not possible with what they pay, and what this city charges to live in it.  Anything in the future that requires money I don't have now?  Not an option.  Not that material things are all that, but there needs to be progress.  I've kind of mastered my current job.  Not that it's brain surgery working at a juice bar, but you'd be surprised how hard it is to find people who do it right (for little pay anyhow). 
The creative drive is also part of this inspiration.  I want to reach out to people more.  Part of the frustration of not having a thriving energywork practice is whining to myself that people don't know what this stuff is.  They aren't always into it when they do.  It seemed that was just my fate. 
Fuck fate. 
I create my destiny.  If I want people to be interested, then I have to get them interested god dammit.  I have to find new ways of being engaging, and putting esoteric information into a digestible form.  Isn't that what people who really understand something can do?
Same thing with Tai Chi.  I keep wondering why more people (young especially) aren't into it. Of course they aren't!  Look at what is presented to them!  Old people moving slow.  Passive aggressive weiners talking about how they don't even need to fight, and anyone who delights in any kind of competition, aggresion, or ego is to be scoffed at.  However soft Tai Chi is, it's a martial art.  Martial arts are for fighting.  They are not merely ways to hurt people, but that can't be completely removed.  Violent conflict is the context one uses in order to reach higher consciousness, rewire the nervous system, and learn to better interact with yourself and the world. 
If I don't explain that to people who will?  Being relaxed and healthy does not necessarily apeal  to people.  Being more effective and awesome usually does.  Why do people emphasize the slow meditative movements, and not the super-powers that result from them?
So, better talking skills.  More engagement with some kind of community.  More creative outlet (I'm going to start compiling a training manual for internal martial arts).  More taking ideas and making them happen. 
The good ones anyway.
-D

Currently reading : Slowness By Milan Kundera Release date: May, 1996

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bikes!

Things are going well.  It's funny though, because nothing has changed in an external way.  But my guts are feeling much better.  I had been feeling like things needed to change, and when some things did change, it was my excuse to feel good. 
My tai chi class moved locations.  Now we are in this karate dojo.  The space is great.  I think the turnout  might be better, and rick is going to maybe extend class so that we can do advanced stuff (that some people aren't into) like sword, the long form, and boxing.  I'm also going to have another night free for training.  So once I find a class that night, it's on!  Or I can just have the night off to ride around the park and cultivate my chi.  Which is my new favorite thing lately by the way.  I got a bike (so did Sarah, now instead of watching tv at night, we go for rides) and I love just riding around prospect park, finding a spot I like, then doing some form.
There is also this new form I want to learn.  You  can see it here. http://www.wutehtaiji.com/luoshiquan.mov
It's pretty insane.  But I would have to get up early on sundays to learn it. hmm.....

Currently reading : The Last Temptation of Christ By Nikos Kazantzakis Release date: 01 March, 1998

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patterns

hello.
It's been a while hasn't it?
How's it going?
Seasonal depression is fading.
I'm hopefully going to start a martial arts class tonight.  It will test my theory that fighting is what has been missing from my life.  That it is a key ingredient of happiness. 
I've recently started to promote my energy work buisness.  The first attempt failed.  I was offereing a day of discounted sessions to people at work.  No takers.  Part of me wants to give up, and just say people aren't interested in this shit.  But no, I  will try again. There was interest, just no availability for that particular day. 
When I was a teenager, I had an idea of what it would take for me to happy.  And it wasn't much.  Good patterns.  Good habits.  Good people. 
Doing what I like, with who I like, with regularity.  I think I'm just not doing enough.  Part of that plan is doing something physical.  Something fun.  Parts of that plan weren't really able to manifest when I first thought of it.  Living in staten island with my parents for example.  Being a shy awkward teenager too.  But I had my friends, and my training, and the fire in the belly.
Things have shifted.  It's definetly harder to have the sense of community with friends when they are scattered around the city, the country, and reality in the case of some (Dan is off fighting the power structure no doubt).  But I do have good friends that I am thankfull for.  It's much better to have love in my life.  That's something that was missing when the plan was first hatched. 
I think the main thing missing is the patterns.  I have a few that I like, but overall, I'm not using my time as well as possible. I'm often not using it at all.  A habit I must have picked up during winter depression. 
I also have this idea that you can start things on the right track when things are going well, so that they can carry you through the bad times.  Like winter.  If I have these pattern in place strong enough, then I can just coast on through the winter, and stave off the depression.
Yeah!
-D

Currently listening : 1:3:1 By Dufus Release date: 30 September, 2003

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Leveling up bitches!

In may, I go to battle.  The time has come for push-hands competition, and making that decision caused a shift in consciousness towards harder work, and clearer goals.  Now the shift goes from internal healing/exploration/mastery, to using previous advances at said endeavors to conquer and smash! (well, push.  But really well)  I find myself getting up a little earlier.  Training more days than I used to. Having more fun.  I also want to find some martial arts schools that offer open sparring days.  It's not really clear how much ass I can kick now.  It's time to find out.  In theory more than in the past, but I'm not content to let it be a theory.  That's the plight of the no longer training martial artist (man, if he did that kick on me, I would just like catch it and be like BLAM!  That would show him).

Yeah.  Otherwise, work kinda sucks.  Bosses kinda suck.  Blah blaah. 

1:54 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

holy shit! people subscibe to this?!

The holidays are quickly approaching.  Which is good, since it means they will be over soon.   Holidays aren't so much fun when your older.  Especially when you have been a moody, miserable bastard for the last couple of months. 

These holidays (x-mas and new years, not kwanza and chanuka) have always felt weird to me.  Yeah, it's great to get stuff and give stuff.   It's just that it's kind of shallow.  When I was real little, I would think I was going to get a jetpack, or a lightsaber, or a dinosaur.  Whatever I would end up actually getting (however nice it was) always reminded me of the limitations of the material world.  Maybe that's it.  Chistmas is a time when the material world is celebrated (ironic when you think that the message of jesus is essentially about the spirit, and that his followers chose to use the symbol of the cross which in western esoteric tradition represents matter.  Dumbasses).  I've never jived with the material world.  Why don't we have any holidays where we honor the abstract? 

And new years.  Beginings are a time to be carefull.  For cleansing, and preparing.  For visualizing what you want to paint on the blank canvas.  So, yeah.  Let's take that very important time (even though the gregorian new year is pretty fucking stupid if you think about it.  There are a lot of better times to start a new year that that.  Really now) and get real drunk.  We'll all go to times square and get reaaally drunk, and throw garbage everywhere. 

Still pondering/feeling out my what my relationship with discipline should be.  Deciding if it's worth it.  Knowing it's worth it, but trying to convince my whole self of that.  While having discipline it nourishing to one aspect of the self, it leaves others out.  Those subconscious parts tend to subtly sabotage you if you don't listen to them.  I feel like I have to submit the case for having discipline to my subconcious to get it on board.  Convince it that it can feel good. 

Currently reading : The Lathe of Heaven: A Novel (Perennial Classics) By Ursula K. Le Guin Release date: 14 August, 2003

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mining the past, fueling the future

The house is great.  Getting more and more settled in. 

Feeling really lazy lately.  Getting lots of sleep.  Eating a lot.  This bothered me a little, as I'm supposed to be some kind of martial artist or something.  Even someone practicing a style based on aligning oneself with natural forces needs to work hard.  It's very important to me not to be one of those people who "used to practice".  Or say that taiji isn't really for fighting.  It is.  And I'll get there.

I was feeling unable to train last week.  There was a big mental block.  Through journaling and emotional clearing I was able to locate the issue and clear it.  Apparently, getting picked on as a kid filled me with the need so smash.  And the long drawn out path to true internal power does not give you the same feeling of smashing that had previously been the balm for my wounds.  So I started feeling like I wanted to be somewhere now.  I wanted results.  Having acknowledged this, I can move on. 

I had a great lesson the other day.  Push hands makes a little more sense now.  I still feel right on the verge of understanding.  I've had that feeling for some time now.  It's better than feeling miles away. 

Bodywork goes ok.  Some new clients.  If anyone is reading, get me some more.  Tell them I am super magical. 

Currently reading : Chronicles of Tao: The Secret Life of a Taoist Master By Ming-Dao Deng Release date: 08 October, 1993

2:05 PM - 1 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Moving!!
Current mood: calm
Category: Travel and Places

Well, I'm moving again.  The new place is good.  Crazy good.  It's very grownup.  Cool roommates (a kickboxer even!).  Great space.  I won't have to put up my "don't fuck with me" aura on the way home.  Near the park  Very nice. 

Taiji goes well too.  Super powers are within my grasp. Or so it feels.  Getting taught all the new shit that rick invents/combines never gets old. Class also started last week, with will give me people to play with.  hail yea.

Fall/winter actually is appealing to me this year.  Something about it feels right.  Maybe because I'm trying to hunker down and develope a root, and summer doesn't really promote that.  People seem flakier in the summer, and less willing to plan anything. 

yeah, that's about it.  Things looking good.  Gradual progress.  Gradual progress leading to joy.

Currently reading : The Bhagavad-Gita : Krishna's Counsel in Time of War By Barbara Miller Release date: 01 July, 1986

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