Breathe in, breathe out.. Rise and fall to all that is..
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

Take off the garment of mental delusion and never ending conclusions..

One must persist in what is and not what was or will be..

The sea is endless in its intricacy and to define its start is to end existence..

Why do I say what I say?

I don't have the words to explain this insane mind of mine, but then if I did, would it end?

So open your self and be pure of mind to what is before you in this very moment…

Life is the ultimate game of heaven and hell..

Game on, game off..

We are here now and that, IS..

What will become of me, you or anybody we see?

I don't know, but that sure as hell is not going to stop me from playing at this life!

Every day I wake and every breath I take will continue this game..

Dose it make me a fraud to play this game for real?

I mean what the hell is hell anyways, if not a form of contrast to be an example so that I may know heaven when I see it?

Don't hesitate to be one, one love, one moment, one existence that's span outlast forever..

Realize the leap of faith has already been taken, that is the reason for your very existence here and now….

Fucking breathe, see the body's response to this activity, it rises and falls, but if you hold your breath, the body will stop and struggle tell you let it go and exhale..

We can control ourselves to death, but why?

I mean really, what's the point?

If one lets go to the rise and fall, then life may go on as it is, just with a little less self warring..

So hold back nothing, let all flow and play this game that is, not what you think it should be or will be, but what it is now…

Power is in the knowing, of nothingness…

5:37 AM - 3 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

That Pink Fucker
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

This poem was writen by my nephew..

He told me it was his inner self, soul, spirit or 

one could call it the man behind the velvet curtain..

That Pink Fucker

I take him

I make him

he's mine

by intelligent design

He is true to you

Living through you

by showing

the throwing

of space through time

Indefinite sign

of rhyme

and reason

of color

and season

He comes and goes

Like life he flows

Tripping

and slipping

into the shadows

That pink man

He does stand

in way of me

and what i do see

eco destruction

through my corruption

That pink man

has his hand

in all that i do

he knows

what i see

when i see you

the truth

of a spoof

mind aloof

dropping

then stopping

in lieu

of all that is true

Deep Disfunction

elementary conjunction

of you and me

to brew the tea

that brings the world

to its knees

and then i see

that as i made him

he made me

That pink man

behind who i am.

By Joseph Rottenbacher

7:14 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Why I type what I type??
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

I want to start this off by saying, thank you to all my readers! You have been so lovely and it's been such a joy to share these blogs with you

I am posting this blog because I feel that some people may not fully understand who or what the hell I am talking about in my blogs.. I know that my blogs tend to be very symbolic, abstract and seem to have a meaning intended for someone or something, though it is never really clear what or who that is?

Well to tell the truth, not even I know half the time what I have typed and even in the midst of typing it I often feel like it is another persons words.

Most times the blogs I post are so spontaneous that the words kind of fall out of my fingertips and onto the keys, then suddenly appear on my computer screen.. *LOL!

I do however find out at some point why I typed it and most times it is for someone in my life that had been going through something too hard to even think through or deal with.

I have found that the moment I sit down to type something synchronizes perfectly with my friends feelings at the time they are feeling them..

A lot of the blogs I made have been done at the same time that the person was giving up and just letting it go.. I feel that at such a time I pick up this feeling for them and let myself experience it fully.

It's always strange when that happens to me, because I will suddenly feel very sad or happy for no reason that I can think of at that moment. After said feeling starts the words just begin to fall around what I am feeling and then they all come together in this minds eye, before I even realize it, I am sitting at the computer typing away! 

I can feel most of you out there and I want you to all know that I love you very much and it is an honor to write for you, whomever you are.. I hold no judgment in all that I type, for it is all just a wave of feeling passing over me onto the keyboard  

I don't need to know if my blogs are yours or not, but I always love to hear if it is..

For the most part I know it's not really for me except in the sense of you and me being the rain falling to this sea of seamless emotion.

BE PEACE

BE LOVE

For I am you, you are me and we are, us all… xoxoxox

8:22 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Self of Hate!!
Current mood: sympathetic
Category: Writing and Poetry

I scream as the dream unfolds before me..

How could I not see what always was and still is?

Am I? Should I be?

I do not know where I will end or how I will go there, but here I sit in my own shit thinking of all that I am not and all that I want to be..

Is this my misery or should I commiserate with this self that I hate?

Am I too late to be the me I feel yet cannot see?

There is not a mirror that can reflect my distasteful vision of me..

I am drowning in my sea of endless misery..

Some do try to save me, but I say damn you!

This is my hell and if I wish to drown in this swelling sea, then let me be!

I am here to be your fear, your hopeless hopes and endless failures..

Don't stop me, this is my game and I am to be ashamed, for that is how I play it..

Oh I know, I know, it all sounds so dark and sad..

I know what your thinking.. I know that you just had a thought cross your mind and it told you to save me, but that can not be, so either stay and sway with me in my sickening turmoil or walk away..

Today is my yesterday and tomorrow holds my every hope that will never be..

I am you and yet you still think I should be another.. You reject me because you do not like the despair you see in my sad stare..

You should be grateful for my existence! If I were not, then you would not know happiness.

I am the shadow that falls behind you as the sun kisses your face..

Get lost in this sad place with me, let me save you from sanity.. Walk through the gates of hell with me, take hold of my hand and burn with me..

I must abide inside this maddening place, for I am to be the gruesome contrast that you must see to know all that I am not...

7:02 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I am you and there is no more of me..
Current mood: blank
Category: Writing and Poetry

Sadder than sad is a place that you’ve always had me, but this is the contrast that blesses me with sight to see the happiness of you and me..

I know that I will never win your will, but when can I stop losing my own?

I am breaking every dream I ever had or ever will, just to be the me you wish to be..

I will my own will to be with you in what is and not what is not..

With you I’d like to be, your the only one I ever wanted to share my dreams with, yet it would seem this plays scheme has made my dream only a dream and to never be played out as I wished it would be with you..

I feel this play is me tricking me into what I have always thought, but did not know till now..

What more could one ask for, I am and that is all I can be?

It can only be what is and yet I feel so worn from what I thought was let go, though now I realize my grasp was still in place and I have been holding to what I thought had been dropped..

An illusive dream it all is.

Teas fall more than I can count and the sadness deepens, as I drown in the midst of my fraudulent dreams.

I can be with you the you that has always been just another me, but damn why can’t it be more than a constant breaking of hopes, why can’t I get over what I wish could be..

I can’t even see the forest for the trees, because I am too blinded with the tears that will not end until they start again..

I could say I don’t know what to do anymore, but that would be a lie..

It is time now, I must open the door before me and see what lies beyond is the continuous reflection of me observing myself through what I think is you, though really it is just another me..

I try to live out the dreams you wish to live, but doubt rises in me as I see my perception of your dream was just an overlay of my own.

I still have not fully become you and I don’t really know how to or it may be that I don’t want to, since then I would end my observation of separation and connection..

I see now that there would be no more me, just you, alone..  But now I think that is what you have always wanted and I just ran from it, because the thought of being one sounded too lonely for me..

So I sit and forget all that I am and remember all that you are..

You are the emptiness to this form and I am the form that gives space a reason to be around me..  I move to the edge of not knowing and jump off into what is and what can only be NOW..

I love…

7:02 AM - 3 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Beyond Sex ...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Romance and Relationships

As many of you may know I am very "in", to the ladies and the heaven they hide between their thighs…*blush…tee. he.. Ooooh riiiiight!!!

Ok, ok, enough with the crudeness.. 

Anyways, I don’t hate men but I really find it hard to be sexually attracted to men and for the most part I prefer a friendship with men much more than sex.. I find sex can get in the way of a mans spirit and be taken far too seriously, not in sense of want for a commitment, but in the excessive drive to have what only last for a matter seconds..  So its always just been better for me to have sex with women and be friends only with men. There is one man that I have found myself completely and wholly attracted to. Not just on a friendship level but beyond that.. I think its because he does not want me, but he still hugs me holds me and loves me.. I also feel that we had good timing in the start of our journey together.. We were both ready to just let shit go and enjoy whatever it was we wanted to play with each other. This attitude has continued with us through all the years we have been with one another, though now it seems to have grown into a great openness and space full of nothing but always passing through something..

Last night we had a beautiful woman over for dinner and let me just tell you how much I wanted that woman..  I have been with her before and we had passionate loving sex.. So to me its always a breath taking experience with her.. And even better, I really enjoy the 3 of us making love since I am very attracted to both of them..   Ok now here is the down part of what happened last night……………………………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………

……………Fucking Aunt Flow decided to visit! (DAMN IT!) I thought to myself *lol! Why meeee?????????????? 

Oh I was so bummed and I could tell the both of them were feeling the same way about it.. I told Him how disappointed I was about it and it sounded almost like an apology when the words came out of my mouth. He smiled at me, put his arm around me and said "Oh its ok, we can just cuddle and kiss all together" I felt so relieved and my heart warmed to know that it did not matter.. He was so understanding and sweet, not wanting me to be left out on the sidelines..  I was so taken aback by his attitude of being happy to just be around me and her.. I suddenly felt that we were beyond even sex and yet, not away from it, more like something we just play together, but its not why we are together.. 

I knew at that moment it would be just as thoughtful for me to not hold them back from sex.. I realized that I could still enjoy it for what it was and just get lost in it with them yet have no need for an orgasm..  I was at peace with the idea of just feeling our energy merge into each other.. So later on that night as we all laid there just cuddling and kissing, I whispered in her ear and said, would you take off your pants? I would like to taste you.. then I reached over and started to remove his and……..The rest is history! *LOL!..  

I must say that was the best sexually unsatisfying experience I have ever had and though I would have loved to of had an orgasm, it was amazing just feeling the energy, kissing and touching them.. It was so worth it even if I could not be fully involved!

I am so happy with the kind of relationships I have in my life.. They are about caring and understanding, not one of holding on for dear life, but that of just wanting the other to feel loved or whatever it is they wish to feel..

6:38 PM - 11 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Sex is the thundering sound of you and I becoming one…
Current mood: hungry
Category: Romance and Relationships

Sex is the thundering sound of you and I becoming one...

I feel you, your light is like a bolt that shoots through my every cell, igniting all my senses till I am you and all I can feel is your penetrating being.. ..

 Deeper you seep into my body, as your energy rises within me it activates my inner visions..

 Visions fill with the light of soft pink and white spirals that spiral round a large beam of electric royal purple…

As I encircle your energy I see your eyes and form..

A form that is darker than the midnight sky and eyes that are spirals of bright white light.. You have me, I am lost in your trance..

I cannot escape your gaze…

I am there with you..

I am falling…. Falling to your soul…

I am lost in your sea and drowning in deep dark ecstasy..

Let go, let go to me, you whisper calmly..

As though you did not know that I have not a choice, but to let go..

Your strength and warmth melt me till I becum the moment and we are one..

8:00 PM - 16 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

I am Mistress Love….
Current mood: electric
Category: Romance and Relationships

My name is love and I am here to break you..

I wish to rip you from within and light your skin on fire till all is consumed and your heart melts for me.. Before I leave you to burn for all eternity, I will fill you with a deep dark yearning to experience me endlessly.

Without concern I will determine my move to unlock your every door and break down the walls that keep you from feeling me..

Without a sound I will steal your soul and bring you to the emptiness that is your freedom..

I laugh with glee as I push you off the cliff that is your surrender to me.

Watching you fall is such a joy to behold and it never gets old..

I look in your eyes and see the pain… The pain that comes with deep sighs, over and over, till I shatter your will.

I see your end before you start again.. I know how far this fall will go..

Do you know what is there, at the bottom of your heart?

I do and so will you..

There is pure gold beneath the steel of your heart and though no one could have known, I did..

For I am the Alchemist

I will make you fall for me on bended knee..

I will open you up till you want more than anything to feel me, even if it means your own demise..

I will give you pain that shows in scars to remind you where to go if ever I am lost from you, for pain is the gain that gets me back again..

I will bring you deep within me and give you over to my great pleasure..

9:50 AM - 14 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Was My Ignorance Bliss?
Current mood: anxious
Category: Writing and Poetry

This mind is surreal and yet I feel so still in this beautiful swirling mist of gray and white filled with shades of black..

Should I go back, will I see what once was just another me?

 Can I go back through the antilog of time and space to a place that I once knew?

Am I ready to say good-bye to my ignorance and bliss?

 Will I miss not knowing?

Will this snake's cursed fruit bring me emptiness with the knowledge of knowing that I am alone?

I wonder..

I wonder in awe for the bliss of forgetting oneself..

There is a peace and innocents in such a nature..

Can I forget again that good and bad are not real and believe that there is such a thing as heroes and villains?

Can I see a me and a you, once more?..

One last time I wish to define me and mine..

I want to ignore the back door..

I wish to feel no way out but to be stuck in a fraud not knowing where to go or how I will get there and always trying to find a reason to be, a reason to be wherever "there" is..

Can I live as though my every breath was a gift that will someday drift.. Can I think that heaven is not hell as well?

Is there a place for me to sit and forget all that I know as I

re-sew this small stitch of a life?

I wish to feel the pain and go insane, to find my end and start again..

Again to come back as a goddess lost in sweet bliss and become consumed with lust for great pleasure, until I reach my end with no fill…

I will my will as I circle this door before me..

Am I ready to stop the not knowing and grasp the cold gold knob to turn it?

Will Pandora love me or will all go numb, as I turn al-one?

11:28 AM - 11 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Which do you vibe with?
Current mood: curious
Category: Quiz/Survey

6:52 AM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Loving a Persons Darkness..
Current mood: awake
Category: Friends

I like to think of myself as a person that can handle most anyone, so I tend to open myself up to all kinds of spirits. As of late I have realized that I am not quite what I thought myself to be and really I’m not always able to be apart of some peoples energy form, though it is not that they are bad, but that our forms contradict each others energy much like a magnet that pushes away its other half. I see this happens the most when I meet my extreme self in another person..  When such things happen I tend to feel like bringing them back to the center of where I stand and in doing so it is sometimes helpful for that person, but every once in a while I do it to a person that can not come my way because it really is not in their "true" nature.. 

In the past that would not put me off one bit, noooo way! I would think to myself, "I can totally bypass that shit and bring them over to my side!" So I would fight it and keep pushing them in hopes that at some point it would work since in my minds eye it would help them to be more peaceful.. 

Well I tried it again with a new friend and she did seem to come my way at first, but there was something wrong with it and for some reason it seemed to be so fake, yet her words sounded so sincere?  This feeling kept coming back over and over again, every time that I would see her.. I finally just stayed away from her and meditated on this feeling until I realized, that this form of peace was not her "true" nature! I had got her to fake it, for real! I don’t think she even realizes what happened to this day.. I think that she so wanted to be that form of peace and it did seem like a lot of people in her life were pushing her to be that way.  These people did it because her state of being is such a harsh and overwhelming force.  Now this leads me to my point, which I am starting to put into play from now on! Some people may seem too extreme and when one sees this, there is a great temptation to bring such a person down form this state of being, since it is so hard to deal with. But now I am starting to think that it’s not such a good idea especially if a person believes that all are one..  I mean how do we know what is too much or too little for a person to be? Maybe they are part of this balance and the overwhelming nature should be there to keep this all in play.. This woman is truly a beautiful person in her "true" nature. You should see what she is able to do, its like she has this super power that can cut through people like a hot knife cuts through butter, I know this because she did it to me and that really helped me to see things in whole new light..  Sadly though she is not allowed to be that way because no one wants to feel that form her and that makes things so much worse because even she feels that it is not right for her to be that way. I now know what it was that threw me off.  I started to see this fake play at a peaceful nature lead to a very passive aggressive form, for the reason that she was repressing it.  I feel this is much worse and way more dangerous to her and those around her. I even saw this aggressiveness come out toward me and so I had to say goodbye.  But I did not want to walk away without telling her what I saw, so I told her that it was very important for her to embrace this darkness and to love it fully..  Unfortunately there are too many people telling her to go the other way, so my words fell on deaf ears and she thought I was telling her that she was a bad person..

I think it is important for us to open people up to their true nature even if it seem a little too dark and menacing..

We must support this balance of light and dark, they are the same in many ways and one can not exist without the other..

The light can be just as blinding as the darkness unless both are allowed to exist, for without the combination we are blind.

5:41 PM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Here it fucking comes, but I will not run from this body of one..
Current mood: focused
Category: Writing and Poetry

Water rushes fast past me as I resist what is my destiny.. Breaking to what is, I jump in. The water is neutral, there is no heat or chill from its feel.. First I float on its surface and then as I feel the powers of the waters current pulling my body I start to turn from my motionless motion to swim with it. Using my body like a sailboat uses the wind I begin to move even faster.

I have not given in, no I have taken advantage of life's pace and now it is mine..  I focus the flow and channel its current into a swirling funnel of water expanding it in size till all flows through me. Now I see all that comes to me as I move faster and faster toward what looks to be a waterfall..

I will not stop myself from this fall, yet I will control the speed of my descent… I go over the edge.. I expand the funnel of water so that it moves to catch me gently.. My naked body passes through the surface of this waterfalls end.. This pool of water feels soft and I envelop myself in it.. 

All becomes placid as I fill with peace..

1:24 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

i GO WITH A FLOW THAT i DO NOT KNOW???
Current mood: drunk
Category: Writing and Poetry

All changes and still I find myself in the same place once more...  

Once more there is a door that closes by the hands of those souls not wanting me to see what once was and what will be me..  

I go with a flow that I do not know, but go I must with this body of dust for life is a gust of wind made full of form by each particles dance..  

I am held in a trance by each dancer that plays its way across this path..

This pattern of one filled with form by many curves that push in and out as it breaks through to a new form that meets back at the start of its end..   

I wish so much that you could see this all..   

It is beautiful to see each shade of light and dark that lends its form to space..   

This space that sets the pace of life's heart beat as it moves our feet to an even faster pace, setting each piece to moving, swirling and spinning at an ever expanding rate as it forms this wheal's role….

Go with each waves ride, not holding on or holding back. Let life hold you and it will be a beautiful dance to live life's rhythm as it makes you, me.

8:39 PM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Warm Dark Eyes Full Of Sighs....
Current mood: sympathetic
Category: Writing and Poetry

I love your sad dark eyes.. There is a warmth of  

empathy in those eyes…