Still King
Current mood: dorky
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

So yeah I had a dream last night that I was doing homework.  Specifically, I was trying to find the area of a right triangle.  Although I'm not sure how that had anything to do with my management accounting class that I was studying for in the dream.  But anyway I'm sure that backs my claim to being king of the mundane.  Try as I might, I apparently have nothing better to dream about than simple geometry. 

8:50 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hell Explained By A Chemistry Student
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

I cut and pasted this from another bulletin I received today.  Funny as hell!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

4:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Another Perspective
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

Got this through a bulletin today.  Just thought I'd share.

The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored.

--- To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all.
--- To have someone you care so about so much throw a party... and not tell you about it.
--- When your favorite person on earth neglects to invite you to his graduation.
--- To have people think that you don't care.

The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten.

--- To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.
--- To never get a call from a friend, just saying "hi".
--- When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.
--- For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.
--- When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you.
--- Life is full of pain, but does it ever get better?

Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need?

Each of us has a part to play in this great show we call life.
Each of us has a duty to mankind to tell our friends we love them.
If you do not care about your friends you will not be punished.
You will simply be ignored...forgotten...as you have done to others

4:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Time For A Very Tasteless But Funny Joke
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Life

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell
have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on this
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

7:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

King of the Mundane
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I had a dream the other night that was about me eating low sodium Wheat Thins.  That's it.  Just a box of low sodium Wheat Thins and me thinking, "Man, these are really good considering they are so low in sodium."  I'm taking it as a sign that I should be doing more in my life in general.  After all, apparently my life is so boring that all my brain has left to dream about is low sodium Wheat Thins. lol

1:35 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Don’t Wimp Out
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

I just had my yearly PT(Physical Training) evaluation which sucks a lot all on its own, but to increase the already high level of suckiness, (if that's even a word) I had a cold at the time.  It's not really fun coming around for the second of six laps in the mile and a half timed run trying not to hack up a lung and breathe at the same time.  The result was my worst time ever of 11:45, a full minute and 45 seconds behind my personal best of 10:00.  As a side note, I did come in first in the group of about 8 that I ran with which doesn't say much for the physical conditioning of a random sample of the Air Force in general.  I was actually complimented on my time by the airman running the test.

Now, I know I could have done better if I was in better health, but I didn't want to wimp out and say I was sick.  You're expected to be hard core in the military right? Besides, I could do it physically, just not to my full potential.  However, that meant getting an 89 instead of a 90 overall and having to do 2 rather than 1 mandatory, organized, PT session per week.  Now I have to ask myself, was being hard core really worth it?

Maybe some day I'll get so hardcore that I'll be like the marine sergeant I met who ran through shin splints until he developed stress fractures in both his legs.  Then again, maybe he was just stupid.

4:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sometimes A Man Wants A F**king Cookie
Current mood: creative
Category: Life

I live by myself, and I have an appreciation for the home cooking I used to enjoy when I was growing up.  Since I have no one to cook for me, I have to do all of it myself.  That means I have a couple of cookbooks and call home when I want to know how to prepare something my mom used to make.  In general, society doesn't have any issue with men cooking unless you are from certain overly conservative parts of the bible belt. 

Baking on the other hand is different.  Men aren't supposed to bake.  I guess there is some unwritten rule that if it can't be cooked over an open flame it's a woman's territory with the exception of pizza and anything that can be nuked in the microwave.  I don't have the biggest sweet tooth (not anymore anyway), but there was a time when I could eat frosting straight from the can.  Anyway, every once in a while I want a cookie or a brownie or some cake, and the stuff you buy at the store or even the bakery just isn't as good as what Mom used to make.  So I find a recipe and make myself some cookies or whatever. 

I guess my mistake was being generous and bringing what I couldn't finish to work.  Most of what I got were weird looks but I did catch some sh*t for baking.  So what I have decided to do rename some of the baked goods to make them sound more manly or at least more funny.  Here's what I've got so far.

F**king Chocolate Chip Cookies

God D**n Fudge Brownies

Holy F**king Sh*t Sugar Cookies

Manorexic Oatmeal Rasin Cookies (thanks Powell)

Ginger Snaps B*tches

Apple Pie....Man

Wicked Ass Peach Cobbler (It's b*tchin' like the 90's)

Rhubarb Crisp You P*ssy  (Use in conversation:  Your buddy asks, "Hey, what did you bring for desert today?"  You reply, "Rhubarab Crisp You P*ssy.")

Maybe they're not the most original, but I think the addition of the expletives gets the message across.  Feel free to suggest additional names.

6:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

More Inclusive?
Current mood: disappointed
Category: News and Politics

I saw this (blue text below) on a bulletin today and I have to ask a question.  What's wrong with wanting to include everyone?  I believe that I'm a good christian, and  I go to church.  So why is it that I don't feel offended when a company or government doesn't want to be offensive and instead include everyone?  I thought christianity was about love, not showing superiority.  It's not like Pepsi put the whole pledge on the can and then drew a line over, "under God," and then wrote, "God sucks," over it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of non-christian americans in this country (not just atheists) and perhaps they may sometimes feel like we christians are walking around with our collective noses in the air like we own the country.  Yes, christianity has been a big part of our country's history and that should be recognized, but there are a lot of people with other beliefs in this country that will be part of its future.  What's wrong with a few concessions?  In fact, as this world becomes smaller in many ways, we will have to be more inclusive if we wish to be successful in global marketing, communication, and relations.  Besides, "under God," wasn't added until the cold war (aka the 1960's I believe) as a sybolic tactic to differenciate ourselves from the enemy.  It's not any older than Leave It To Beaver, and it's not exactly a part of our early american history.  This argument is right up there with the whole, "happy holiday's," protest that I am hoping we can all move beyond.

DON'T BUY PEPSI !!!!!!!!!
Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building , and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone. In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi corporate office, either! So if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words "In God We Trust" on it. HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE

2:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mow Your Lawn Or Else
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Just another handy tip for those of us that misplace our common sense from time to time.  If debating whether or not to put off mowing the lawn yet again you should keep one thing in mind.  If you don't do it, at some point you may have to bust out the hedge clippers to get the lawn to a managable height (oh yeah, I did it).  On the up side, there is always that great look and smell of a freshly cut hayfield.

5:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Military Baby Shower
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

So I was invited to a baby shower on Sunday for a co-worker.  I've never been to a baby show; it's usually not something to which men are invited.  I was a little worried that no other guys would be there, but I was assured that there would be.  As it turned out, there was a 2 to 1 ratio of men to women at the shower, and it was just people from work.  Longo's place was decorated in the typical pink and purple for the baby girl that was on its way, and there were cheesy baby shower games that I won't embarrass myself by describing.  However, because of all of the men present, there was one big difference...alcohol.  Actually, there was two coolers of beer and a cooler full of trash can punch (more or less kool-aid and everclear).  No one got sloppy drunk, but it was definitely more fun with the alcohol added.  Oh yeah, there was no intoxicated pregnant woman there if you're wondering.  That would have taken the party past weird, beyond screwed up, and right into Deliverance.  Not a bad first baby shower.

1:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment