MY FLAT TIRE
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the others here for?

I would certainly like an answer to that. I've been helping others for so long, waiting for the proverbial "wheel" to turn. Yeah, well, my wheel is a flat tire. I'm not complaining about whatever things I've done for those in need. I am complaining, however, about the ones who didn't deserve my help. I don't even blame them for me feeling like an ass – I take full responsibility for it.

But since I'll be busy trying to fix that flat – and who knows how long that can take – well, let's just say no one should bother expecting any assistance from me for a while.

1:50 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES/1 (more will surely come)
Category: Writing and Poetry

Another "Mother's Day" arrives. It's probably true that most holidays were created by Hallmark. The marketing miracle workers in advertising have even turned religious celebrations into dates to circle on your calendar as shopping reminders. And, as soon as we are just about finished returning the unwanted gifts we received, it's time to start shopping for the next 'bunny', 'turkey', or whatever 'day'. Yay!

Of course I liked all the holidays when I was a kid. I was one of the lucky ones who knew my parents loved me. Even when money was scarce, I was allowed to spend a month going through the Sears catalog to choose whichever single item I really, really, really, wanted. That began when I was four and it was fun. Though there were a few years during my early teens when I thought that was cruel of them. How could my mother and father allow me only one gift? I was the eldest and my two siblings received more gifts because 'they couldn't understand the way I could...' - I recall not feeling very understanding at twelve.

This subject came up when I was twenty-nine and Christmas was coming. I was preparing to wrap the many gifts I'd purchased for my daughter. Looking over the huge pile of adorable yet mostly useless stuff, my folks had completely different reactions. My Mom was teary-eyed and sad that she had never been able to buy me so much. My Dad wanted to know how my child would be able to tell that any gift was special. During our conversation that evening I realized how valuable my young lesson in choosing one gift had been. The extra hugs and attention I received from Mom instead of a mountain of shiny papered somethings that would eventually be thrown away have remained in my heart. And, I learned to bake some great cookies. The time I spent with my Dad perusing that worn, dog-eared catalog, discussing my opinions about which toy would be the worthy choice was most likely the basis for my love of a good debate. Back then, he also shared with me his love of art. I don't know if he believed I was at all talented or just wanted to keep me busy, but he gave me a small blackboard and a box of chalk. I was instructed to draw a picture of whichever item in the catalog I was considering so that I could glance at it throughout the day to aid the process of my decision. As my deadline approached, one drawing would inevitably have remained a number of days and, not having been erased, would be the choice.

I've been able to reopen those gifts many times throughout the years, and not only during certain dates pre-marked on a calendar. There are wonderful memories. Even though my parents both died many years ago, these and other memories keep me close to them. This is a good thing.

But...I do have some admissions. I didn't learn how to not give my daughter too much. I couldn't afford the expensive things, but whatever I had, was hers. I wanted to give her all the love I had and more, never thinking of the invisible guilt that guided my shopping. Which turned out to be not such a good thing. And the catalog? Well, I drive everyone crazy because of the time it takes me to choose absolutely anything. I need all the information and then must consider before making most decisions. When I was five years old, it took me half an hour to choose which candy to spend my nickel on. Ugh. A secret is that this drives me crazy, too. Also, not such a good thing. But I still love to draw.

And back around to Mother's Day. (Which, actually, in one way or another, is every day.) My 'Mother's Day Wish' is that my daughter and I have shared enough love and laughter to create memories that will last her a lifetime. //5.13.06 acg

9:51 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

EstrangeD
Category: Writing and Poetry

My poetry brings me mixed feelings. It always takes me back to the time it was written, like some magic carpet. Yet I concurrently critique each one, usually in a harsh manner. Some are childish, some simple, some representing frustrations...blah, blah, blah. I'm trying to say that not many of them are very good, but I cherish them anyway because they are a part of my life and of me.

My brother and I haven't spoken in a long time, and I expect, sadly, that we never will again. But today is his birthday. While I continue in my attempts to shove away the hurt, I cannot help but think of him. I found a poem I wrote in 1987, when he first moved out of our family's home to live on his own. I suppose placing it here is my way of letting it go. Selfish, yes, but good for me, so I hope you can excuse my indulgence.

MY LITTLE BROTHER

NOW WALKING OUT THE DOOR

MY LITTLE BROTHER

WHEN DID YOU GET SO TALL

GO SLOWLY

BE CAREFUL

SEE WHAT YOU CAN SEE

LOOK AROUND SOME

AND IF YOU WANT

JUST LET ME KNOW

LITTLE BROTHER

WHENEVER YOU NEED ME

MY LITTLE BROTHER

GOING TO LOOK FOR MORE

MY LITTLE BROTHER

DON'T LET THEM MAKE YOU SMALL

YOU'VE GOT IT

CAN DO IT

LEARN FROM WHAT YOU SEE

YOU WILL MAKE IT

BUT SHOULD YOU WANT

JUST LET ME KNOW, LITTLE BROTHER

IF YOU EVER NEED ME

//5.12.06agc

8:27 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

MATTER MATTERS
Category: Life

I have done a lot of things in my life. Many good, a few bad, and some that no one living knows about. The only person I believe has any right, or, equally as important, enough information, to judge me - is me. Alright, and, any possible 'divine' universal entity.

There are often times when I have opinions about people and events, good and evil, all that. But even when it's glaringly obvious that someone is guilty of murder, well, I always remind myself that there is some part of the story that hasn't been brought to light. Something that no one will probably ever know. I've heard you say that there are always three sides to every story...you know what I'm talking about.

So even when a person is guilty of 'crimes against humanity' in my opinion, as well as in the eyes of the world - I still have no right to judge them. I believe we are all equal. Yes, all equal. Saints and sinners, Mother Theresa and Hitler. Sounds crazy. I know that, too. And in no way do I condone the Hitlers of the world. But while some are the good guys wearing white hats and others are in black, there is no actual division in matter. Atoms, molecules. We are all made of the same stuff. When we die, we all revert back to being invisible in a way, and are still all made of the same stuff. Matter. Funny word. Does matter matter? Does anything ever change if change is the only constant? I think the important thing is opposing pressure. Yin/Yang. Yes/No. Right/Wrong. In order for a balloon full of air to exist, there must be the proper amounts of pressure both inside and outside the rubber. The balance of pressure is everywhere human beings have yet been. In outer space, under the sea, and even in places scientists don't look. Places like the mundane job a person might go to every day at a factory on an assembly line, where their abilities and needs are balanced by the type of work and salary, and in their personal lives, their abilities and needs are met by the balance found in family and friends. It's never ending. We are all just grains of sand on some beach that at first seem insignificant. But if erosion pulls the beach away, which drags down a moutainside, bringing roads and houses crashing down, and thousands of people's lives change - each of those original grains of sand are now floating away to some distant beach while the recent additions at the bottom of the landslide are already morphing into what will become grains of sand in time. And the ripple effect continues all the way around the planet.

Each grain of sand is so very important. Every single one is necessary to complete the landscape. The entire beach interacts with the ocean, the air, the vegetation, and all living beings. Consistent change. At some point in time, each grain of sand was a rock, a boulder, a mountain. Before being part of a mountain, it was ash from a campfire, which had been part of a tree, whose seed had once been nourished by the droppings of an animal who had eaten another animal that day...

There are billions of scenarios where everything and everyone is always only at the particular stage of transformation that they happen to be conscious of now.

This brings me back to what matters. For me, all of it. I have no idea whether there will be any awareness once this moment we call 'life' is over. No one does. I'm not afraid of dying, rather, I'm hopefully anticipating being able to comprehend whatever is around the bend. But for now, I do my best to stay on the side of the guys wearing the white hats. I try to demonstrate true respect. I want every day to be filled with as much happiness as I can enjoy and share. That's what matters most to me. //5.06 agc

12:10 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

IT'S BETTER TO HAVE HAD YOUR WISH THAN TO WISH YOU HAD

IF YOU WANT IT, GET IT

IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT AGAIN

IF YOU LOVE IT, REALLY LOVE IT

FILL YOUR LIFE WITH BEING ALIVE

11:39 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

YOUR OPINION OF ME HAS NO CASH VALUE !!!

*Credit to Bogart movie "We're No Angels"

12:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

madonna

madonna gives every woman hope for abs after babies. she rules. smart, sexy, powerful, and she used it all to push her way to the top. sometimes she goes a bit over the top, but that kind of life must do something to your brain. and considering all that, back to: she rules!

11:39 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

MY DEATHBED RULE

MY DEATHBED RULE IS THE TOOL I UTILIZE IN DETERMINING WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT. SHOULD I BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT MY LIFE JUST BEFORE I DIE, WHAT MEMORIES WILL I CHOOSE TO FILL MY MIND AND MY HEART?

DEFINITELY NOT ANGER, PEOPLE WHO NEVER REALLY MATTERED, INSIPID ARGUEMENTS, HOW MUCH/LITTLE MONEY I HAD, EMBARRASSING MOMENTS (UNLESS THEY MAKE ME LAUGH), MISTAKES I MADE, WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE, ALL FORMS OF PAIN, OR ANY OTHER USELESS REGRETS.

I HOPE I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS THAT WERE TRULY IMPORTANT. THE PEOPLE I LOVE. THOSE WHO HAVE LOVED ME. ANYTHING I DID THAT MADE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE. THE BIG AND LITTLE THINGS OTHERS CARED ENOUGH TO DO FOR ME. I HOPE I HAVE TIME TO TELL ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOUCHED MY LIFE. MY DAUGHTER. MY PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS. RMG. LAURIE. FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN AT MY SIDE AT THE WORST TIMES AND THE BEST, NEVER WAVERING IN THEIR TRUST IN OUR HONESTY AND LOYALTY. I HOPE THERE'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT A TINY BIRD WHOSE CARE I SHARED WITH IT'S MOTHER UNTIL I TAUGHT IT TO FLY AWAY. I WANT TO RECALL FEELING COLD AND LONELY, UNTIL I CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE AND DECIDED THE WIND WAS A LOVED ONE I'D LOST, WRAPPING THEMSELVES AROUND ME TO WAKE ME UP WITH A QUICK CHILL, LAUGHING, REMINDING ME HOW GOOD IT IS TO BE ALIVE. I WANT TO FEEL THE SUN ON MY FACE.

AND, SINCE WE MOVE CLOSER TO DEATH EACH MOMENT OF OUR LIVES, I MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO PUSH ASIDE THOSE LOATHSOME THOUGHTS THAT WOULD CROWD MY VIEW OF THIS BRIGHT AND SHINY THING WE CALL A NEW DAY. WHY WASTE WHAT MIGHT BE THE LAST ONE?

11:50 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

chronological age

SUCKS

7:26 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

there is no spoon

nothing is real unless we allow it to be so. it will never matter whether the tree makes a sound when no one is there to listen. but sometimes, on one of those days when you lie on the cool grass and look up at the clouds passing, you can feel life in the earth beneath you. each time i experience that connection i am reminded of the joy of childlike awe. and that makes my reality so much easier to bear.

9:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment