Download Festival 2007

Hmmm since I'm bored and I'm sure you're all interested, here's a quick review of the bands I saw at Download a couple of weeks ago.

Bare in mind I lost my glasses on the Thursday, which spoilt most of the bands for the weekend since I couldn't fucking see anything unless I was right at the front.

Friday:

Zico Chain
*** had a few catchy songs. Good way to start off the weekend

Buckcherry
** yeah they were okay

Turbonegro
*** funny guy. I think these guys are gay

Megadeth
**** awesome stage presence, great songs, just quality

Dragonforce
** pretty poor, all over the place. They can't play their instruments or sing in tune

Yourcodenameis:milo
*** probably the only poppy band I like, I've seen them a few times at festivals now.

Korn
**** packed into the small tent meant a few teenagers died which is why I liked this set even more. Awesome

Saturday:

Turisas
*** battle metal – good comedy band, but the music's a bit samey

Hellyeah
*** never heard them before, but I enjoyed it. Good old fashioned booze and motorbike rock

Shadows Fall
* I fell asleep but it sounded shit

Aiden
* I wished I was still asleep

30 Seconds to Mars
* fucking hell

Anathema
**** amazing. Something totally different from the loud metal bands. Ambient goth rock I guess you'd call it. Vocals sounded even better than on CD.

Bowling for Soup
*** silly music, but these guys always crack me up at festivals. Penis and gay jokes never get old!

Machine Head
**** I went in the pits wearing sandals and cut up my toe! Band were awesome. Their new song which everyone raves about is a bit silly, but whatever.

Slayer
** boooooooring. Jeez, despite being one of the best bands ever, they are pretty poor at festivals

Marilyn Manson
**** fuck you, I enjoyed them. Manson was wasted, kept forgetting the words to songs.

Necro
*** I only caught a few songs, but I liked it. Hip hop shouldn't really be at Download, but fuck it, I like it

Linkin Park
** painfully boring, but I will give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were probably good visually (I was at the back with no glasses, couldn't see a thing). I wish I'd just tried to squeeze into the tent to see Motley Crue instead.

Sunday:

After Forever
**** amazing stuff, just so good. And a hot female fronted goth rock band is always fun. I want to get a CD at some point too

Chimaira
*** so much more interesting live than on CD

Papa Roach
*** as above! Fucking horrible to listen to, but I really enjoyed seeing them live.

Mastodon
** yuck. Just because a band is 'technically' good, doesn't mean they're fun to watch live. Fucking boring. I missed Devildriver's record-breaking circle pit for this garbage!

Orange Goblin
*** I was sat at the back of the tent getting drunk by myself so couldn't see, but they sounded shit hot

Napalm Death
*** growl growl grunt grunt! Every song pretty much sounds the same, but it's fun to watch. Singer is nuts.

Within Temptation
*** a short set, but by this stage I was drunk so didn't care

Dimmu Borgir
**** aaaah finally something fucking heavy! I met a hot girl before this set doing evil death/black metal growling, but I lost her :(

Evanescence
*** I wasn't bored so it was probably good. But looking back I realise Cult of Luna were playing at the same time and I forgot!!

Iron Maiden
** I was at the back, still drunk, couldn't see a thing. I'm sure they were superb but whatever. It was more fun dancing home with strangers as they played "Always look on the bright side of life" over the PA.

1:48 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My last day of being a bum

I'm going back to cruddy Bournemouth at the weekend. So I'm just going to enjoy myself for another day or two while still here in Bedford. I went out last night again, was good fun. Apparently I'm attractive. Think I shall hit 'da club' tonight and behave like a hedonistic student; apparently it's the cool thing to do. I might dress up in drag and smash bottles, apparently girls find that original and attractive.

I used the word 'apparently' three times in that paragraph. I fucking suck at writing.

I'm drinking already, it's not even 4pm. But it stops when I get back to BOurnemouth! I shall get back into the routine of exercise and eating healthy and only drinking fruit juice. I have also ordered a couple more Steven Seagal films which will be waiting for me in Bournemouth, so that'll be nice.

I got a message from a girl I've just met that my myspace page is very 'angry' and probably scares people off. I'm a nice boy really. Don't be scared. My mother has had an operation and I go for walks with her so she gets exercise. I do volunteer work. I watch non-violent porn. All signs of a nice guy.

So yeah, why am Iwriting in this blog instead of doing my script? Because I'm waiting for it to be evening so I can go out and start fights, that's why. Bye xx

7:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I have a hot date tonight, my second in two days!!

Yesterday I met up with Ash and his girlfriend in London. He is so beautiful; we look good together it's just a shame that one of us always has a girlfriend getting in the way. We talk about group sex but it never happens. We're full of shit. Although, thinking about it, one time last summer I invited him round and put porn on and left him and Dani alone in my room. I was hoping to come back and find the sexual tension unbearable, then I would finally get to see him naked. Alas, my girlfriend at that time was still being faithful to me.

So yeah, we sat in the pub and watched the United-Watford game and got a few shandy and lemonades down us before we went to the stadium for the Deftones gig. Brixton Academy is shitty - 3.30 for a cup of watered down Carling? By the way, the reason there is no pound sterling sign before 3.30 is because I bought this shitty laptop in Thailand. I hate them all.

The gig was good fun, although it was weird being there without Dani. Oh well, her loss. Nobody can treat a girl to a trendy metal concert packed full of sweaty teenagers like I can. That said, I got stuck in at the front for the first time in ages. I've been watching bands from the back recently, but figured I may as well punch a few 15-year old girls for once. That's what shandy and lemonade does to you.

We spent the whole train journey home pissing off his girlfriend by talking like proper geezas. It was an hour ride, and we repeated the same joke over and over. The look on his girlfriend's face was that of 'Okay, funny the first time - but now it's annoying'. Naturally this appealed to our immature instincts and we carried on further. Hopefully he got dumped when they got home.

So tonight, I have another date lined up.

I have tidied my room, I have showered, I have dressed nicely. I am sipping red wine.

I have a date with Steven Seagal again.

Hard to Kill was so much fun, I think tonight I will watch Nico. He is so wonderful and manly. I hope one day to emulate his abilities at getting revenge and violently killing people. "Fuck you and die" he says calmly after stabbing a bad guy through the neck with a pool cue. It's fucking gorgeous stuff. I think tonight after some wine he may be able to seduce me. But truth is, I want it to happen. I am such a slut.

12:30 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Myspace Photos and Steven Seagal
Current mood: pissed off

All of the photos I have of me have Dani in them too. It's annoying. Firstly, I want to be able to gaze lovingly into my own gorgeous eyes without having to look at her. Secondly, I want YOU to be able to do the same on my profile. That's why all the photos are just my head, with her shitty ear or something in the corner. What a shitty ear she has.

My laptop has a webcam so I guess I can take new photos, but I'm not very clever so don't know how. I have never used a webcam before. It seems really arrogant to have one. I don't want people looking at me while I'm sat on my ass on MSN. I look like a bum.

So yeah, anyway, this is annoying. The few photos I have of me where I look remotely non-ugly have got her in them too. I wish I was photogenic. She has a billion photos of herself and she's not even as pretty as me. She thinks she is, but she's wrong. Look at her stupid ear trying to steal the spotlight from my squinting little face. Worthless.

I'm going to London for the Deftones gig tonight. I'm meeting my gorgeous Ash there and we can pretend we're gay lovers or whatever for a few hours. Predictable, unoriginal comedy. We think it's funny everytime we meet up. The same gay joke for six years. No wonder no one likes me. Well, except Ash. And that's only because he feels sorry for me. If he were on myspace he'd post a comment on this blog telling me I'm gorgeous and he wants to dress up as Cristiano Ronaldo and give me oral pleasure. When was the last time any of you traitors posted something as kind as that?

By the way, I have a spare ticket to Deep Purple next week if anyone wants to go (down in Bournemouth)? Plus point: they're one of the legendary classic rock bands who will be dead soon. Negative point: you have to go with me.

I was watching "Hard to Kill" last night. It's a badass 80s revenge movie with Steven Seagal. It has inspired me to change my goals in life. Fuck writing, I suck at it. THis blog is testament to that. So instead I am going to learn martial arts and how to shoot people and become a buddhist and meditate, then go on a vengeful rampage. It will take a couple of years to become as good at hurting people as Steven. I won't wear tight jeans though. It looks really uncomfortable and I get hot easily so have to wear shorts. What a fat mess. I am part-foreign like Steven too, and I am a bit of a loner like he is in his films. I don't know if he is in real life though. My favourite films all have Steven Seagal in them and he throws people through window.

So yeah, I'm going to go live in China or Tibet or whatever and become a superhero then come back and beat the crap out of people. Bye.

5:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I went on a MAD bender in London...
Current mood: grumpy

Don't be a moron. If you were really expecting something infantile then I shall offer you this brief summary:

OMFG we got pissed it was amazing lol and then we went to a bar with fit birds and we got pissed and LOL then and LOL then we rofl and we went home

Great story.

But this one's better.

I needed to get away from shitty Bedfordshire and have a friend who was going down to London for the day. I tagged along. We were going to go looking for his apartment for next year, have a few drinks, and meet up with some of his friends.

We just went in a bunch of pubs and then watched United beat Roma 7-1. It was fun.

Then we drove home because we didn't want to hang out with his friends.

Oh, before that some bums tried to get 50p off of us and one begged for some of Jim's bacon crepe. That sounds like a homosexual pun. It wasn't though.

I went to bed when I got in.

Bye.

3:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bournemouth is ugly
Current mood: exanimate

This place is so ugly. I hate Bournemouth.

I moved back here a couple of weeks ago and immediately fell back into my rut of moaning and hating everything. A long weekend away in Winchester was just what I needed: a break from the ugliness that Bournemouth is so abundant in; time with my girlfriend who is one of very few people that doesn't irritate me; a perspective on University life which would reassure me that my expectations of Bournemouth students was not unrealistic. It turns out you don't have to be a complete cock rash to be a student.

The streets of Winchester where not littered with unattractive teenage congregations, nor were they vandalised with chewing gum or KFC wrappers. In this Twilight Zone people seem to be human. Turn your attention briefly to Bournemouth, and you will see Bryl Cream wearing cretins wherever you go, and they won't just be standing there looking ugly (always under the false impression that they are actually God's gift to the opposite sex) but they will be shouting and littering and drinking and trying ever so hard to convince the rest of the public how 'cool' they are.

In Winchester you can casually stroll into a pub on a Saturday night and not have to fight through a pack of FCUK promoting gimps to get a drink, nor are your conversations drowned out by loud pop music so that the morons have something to grind to. No, in Winchester people actually have brains and so like to talk – in Bournemouth the mentality is "livin' it large" like the package holidays to Ibiza advertise.

As we left the gentlemanly pub and walked through town (at the weekend remember) not a puking and threatening teenager was in sight. There were no smashed bottles, or endless streams of girls shivering in the wind as they queue up for a generic night's clubbing whilst wearing nothing but fluffy bunny rabbit ears. There are places, it seems, which cater to the intellectual, mature, and interesting people of this race we call human. Sometimes I wonder if mutation has replaced evolution, because the humans I meet in Bournemouth seem of an entirely different species to my own. Just an hour north, in Winchester, there is gorgeous proof that humanity and respect still exists, and also proof that I'm not insane. Bournemouth students ARE scum, and I hate them twice as much now for almost convincing me that I was the weird one.

Back to Dani's Halls of Residence we went, and a reasonable hour to go to bed. Almost midnight, I believe. Trying to go to bed before 5am you say? In a Halls of Residence? You must be mad, do you not remember Purbeck?

I do, I do remember Purbeck. And with great hate. But here it seems the babies stop screaming well before tomorrow morning. If you want to go to bed at 6pm here there is nothing stopping you. The local pharmacy doesn't even bother stocking ear plugs, there's no need for them. Despite mostly being 18-years of age, the students of Winchester have matured at an alarming rate when compared to Purbeckians, or rather any of the Dorset riff-raff which plague my beach town. Oh they go out, sure, but still manage to re-enter the building and go to bed without ruining everybody else's sleep. How strange that something so obvious - such natural instincts – to not disrupt other people when they sleep, seems so magically wonderful to me. Then again after a year at Purbeck finding somebody who can string three words together in a sentence feels like a minor miracle.

But now I am in Bournemouth again, scowling out of my window, casting black magic on the neighbours, and wishing for some sort of STD epidemic to filter out a few hundred of these idiots and make my life more enjoyable. Bah.

3:51 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Home sweet home -- I am officially rid of Purbeck House

I can't believe I didn't write "my final Purbeck blog entry" last week. What an anti-climax. A year of living in that rectum of a building with dozens of rants posted online, and I just moved out without so much as a "Fuck you everybody and goodbye". As it happens my final article was about my flatmates stealing food from me, which I guess is a fitting enough way to conclude my residency in the Halls of Residence. What a bunch of assholes.

Looking at my Word files I notice there are more than twenty incomplete articles about Purbeck which never made it to the website, but I guess I could just finish them and post them now. Who would honestly mind? It's not like anyone even reads this anyway. Not even my girlfriend can be bothered. This is the worst website on the Internet. It ranks right up there with those shitty ones where people just post photos of their friends. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Here's a photo of my best friend LOL. Shut up, no one wants to see that shit. Why does everyone feel the need to make a website? It's not clever. People who have websites are jerks and have no friends. If I didn't have a website then everybody would have been sad to see me leave Bournemouth and I would've gone out "clubbin'" on my final night; instead I went round a friend's house and cooked pasta before she kicked me out to watch Big Brother. I didn't make many good friends in Bournemouth, but one of them chose Big Brother over my company. What a crock.

What a disappointment the last year was. There's so much to moan about I could be here all night, but I'm lazy and have cartoons to watch so I'll just be here for five minutes. This whole experience was an expensive waste of time. Even the town itself was crappy and nothing like I thought it was. When I came to Bournemouth on holiday in the past I loved it because there were hardly any foreigners. That's why I moved here. That's the only reason. I don't want to see any foreigners. They're shitty. If I want to see foreigners and be racially abused then I'll go abroad. I'm in Bournemouth, I don't want some Moroccan following me and Dani down the street for half an hour begging us to buy a shitty wooden box, and then when we don't buy it get told to "Get out of my country". If I want that I'll go to Morocco. Fucking Morocco. I hated it there, those cruddy racists. Everyone in Bournemouth is either Chinese or Polish, it's stupid. I made all that up about Morrocans, I don't know if there are any here, I can't tell the difference between Moroccans and Algerians and Turks and Italians and French. Who cares? I can't tell the difference between anyone, you all look the same to me.

Halls of Residence are the shittiest invention since Moroccan people. It's pointless. I came here thinking that finally I'd be in my element: people who can spell; people who are intelligent, cultured, interesting; people with manners and aren't anything like the chavvish riff raff of modern society. How wrong I was. I don't think I've met anybody in Purbeck who isn't a complete douchebag. All day long people are screaming, not cleaning up after themselves, getting drunk, playing loud music, and being boring. Then they call me boring? I'm not boring, I'm anything but. I'm exceptional. The rest of you are clones identical in every way, with nothing unique or interesting to offer the world. You're pathetic, and it makes me sick. "Well you shudda known better innit, every1 wants 2 get pissed at uni innit?" Shut up. You just proved my point. University used to be an establishment where the intellectual and academic superiors went to further themselves and eventually help to contribute towards the economy. Students these days are nothing but a strain. They leech off the tax payers' for a 3-4 year vacation when they could be doing something better with their time like learning how to spell. Or speak without sounding like a braindead idiot. These BTEC-wielding morons truly believe that they are something special, when I could produce something more special by squatting on the floor and squeezing out of my anus for five minutes.

1:41 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stealing salami
Current mood: nauseated

6:57 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh shit, have I not updated for a month?
Current mood: nauseated

I know I said I wouldn't, but here's another update from my website just for the lazy people among you who are incapable of copying the URL into your web browser and reading it properly:

You ghastly people make me sick. Dont you realise I have better things to do than update this shitty website? Like doing a job that doesnt pay money. Im so stupid, perhaps the most stupid person in the world. I have just started a commission-only job where I go door to door and ask people if they want free stuff. These arrogant fucks always say no, and think that being rude to me isnt going to result in premature death. I am writing down all your addresses, and every person who pisses me off will feel my wrath. I can make people drop dead just using my mind which is an option, or I can just get drunk on Stella and brick you. Either way you taste defeat.

Apart from this stupid job I have just been wasting my days away in Purbeck as normal. I went back home for a couple of weeks to see Dani and when I return the place is on the verge of being quarantined for health and safety reasons. Nobody has even cleaned their teeth because I wasnt here to remind them. And Im sure the hob didnt used to be brown.

Being back home meant I could go and make a cup of tea in the morning without having to wear Wellington boots and without catching strands A and B of hepatitis from the tea towels. It also meant that Drunken and Obnoxious Night was only once a week instead of ten; Friday evening I was trying to go to bed early because Im boring when a swarm of cruddy teenagers marched past the back of my house shouting and spitting and being worthless. They started laughing about funky biscuits and thats when I knew I hated them. I listened to their stupid joke but it wasnt funny, so why were they laughing and shouting? Funky biscuits? Thats fucking stupid. Shut up, its 1am. I started willing them to die and eventually they were silenced, but still, what a bunch of selfish little brats and waste of my evil power.

I watched a few films while back home and the worst was King Kong. What a terrible movie and waste of my precious time. I hate people who like films. I dont think Ive ever seen a good film, and King Kong is certainly one of the diarrhoeaist. SPOILER some stupid bitch with no personality goes ice skating with a fat gorilla. Its fucking stupid. I hated it so much I hit Dani in the jaw for making me watch it.

Things havent been much better since returning to Bournemouth. All my tramp friends who live and rape underneath Asda said hi and welcomed me back, but all anyone else did was not wash up. The only college work I have left to do is make a film, and yesterday we were filming in Block B of Purbeck and I started to actually feel grateful for where Im living now.

Everyone was a clone. There were dozens upon dozens of identical trendy chavs as if being pumped out of a factory - the same short, spikey, shiny gelled hair; they all wore the same over-priced faded jeans with rips; they all had the same collared t-shirt, often pink; they all talked with a fake Essex accent; they all swore non-stop but not in a cool and sexy way like when I do it; and they all pissed me off.

These are the pricks that I really hate. I bitch about everyone and everything, but these assholes really piss me off. They make peoples lives miseries with their own obnoxious and hedonistic attitude, acting like pricks with no concern for anybody else. They also have this trait where they shout and act over-cocky, just to try and prove to us all how confident they are. Its so dumb. Just shut up and act normal, nobody cares. One of them answered his phone and told his mate how it was his bitch. Who actually refers to girls as bitches apart from pimps in cartoons? Its so annoying. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why are they all called Jonesy Boy as well? Thats stupid. Tomsy Boy, Jonesy Boy, Stevey Boy, Cuntsy Boy. I hate you all. Im trying to set Block B on fire right now but its not working, I might just go over there with my sword and do it the old fashioned way.

1:19 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment