A wanna be Brizzle

So B-Brizzle has taken to turning songs into very funny blogs and for his efforts, I decided I would creae an ode to him.


Hey there B-Brizzle
By Plain white T-shirt with a mustard stain


Hey there B-brizzle
what's it like there in Old Louisville
Im 45 miles away
But dude tonight you look so pretty
well, kinda in this light,
Thunder Over Louisville is not as bangin as you
I think it's true

Hey there B-Brizzle
don't blog about our separation
I am just minutes away
and can be there after masturbation
Give this song another read
look real close
The light is starting to flicker
and that's my large ass (in the corner) straining your wicker chair

Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about

Hey there B-brizzle
I know blog subjects are gettin hard
Just believe me unk
someday you'll pay the bills from spinning all those yarns
We'll be eatin good
We'll have the meal I knew we would
The bread is good

Hey there B-brizzle
you've still got tons of words left to write
and every simple blog you wrote about me
would have me singing with glee
you'd write and drink scotch
You'd still be wanting to get this crotch

Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
who you blog about

45 miles seems like a lot
but we've got semi-dependable cars
I would walk to you if there was no other way
OK, I would just call or try to take the bus
We would laugh together or else we would cuss
Them sunsabitches don't understand
B-Brizzle I promise you
That by the time, with this blog, you get through
Myspace will never be the same
and you're to blame

Hey there B-brizzle
You keep writtin good and keep up with your whistle
Don't let the readers ever see your danglin' participal
Two more blogs and your page will be full
and only I will know you're full of bull
Your myspace success can be traced to me
Because I filled you with so much glee
Hey there B-Brizzle heres to you
This ones for you

Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
Oh I need to be what you blog about
who you blog about

7:39 AM - 14 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Emily is a Princess

Hello everyone. I am blogging to brag about my 6-year-old daughter, who won the Pekin Fourth of July Princess contest. She beat out stiff competition to claim the title. I am proud as punch of her. I took a lot of pictures and more will follow, but I can't figure out how to get them on here. So check out my pics and then leave me great comments about how cute she is here.


G

10:20 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Tagging

When I got an e-mail from B-Brizzle saying I have been tagged, I told him that if I had I didn't know about it.
I mean if I get to aggressive near my booty with the wash cloth I am in agony for hours so if I got tagged I certainley would have known about it.
Then I realized he mentioned it me in a blog. I thought he was touting my brilliant columns, but actually I am supposed to share six sexual things that no one knows about me.
Wow. that's a tough one, but being a gamer I decided to go for it.
Here they go they are not really all that exciting.

I lost my virginity to a girl that was a cross between me and Fabio. She had my size and Fabio's hair.

Thing number two -- she kept my under wear. B-Brizzle later joked that she must have needed a car cover to which I replied Pregnant? Shiiiiit. That's an inside joke with the Brizz and I.


Thing number three. I am a sexual dinamo. I have it all the time at least once a day, but only occassionally Tonya (my wife) joins me.


Thing number four -- I always wanted to be able to dunk the basketball just once in my life to see what it feels like. I feel the same about a "big-one" I just want one for one day it would be fun to show it off at a football game while using the urinal.
I once told the Briz that I could get both hands around it with the head still showing and he asked what midgets hands I was using.


Thing number five -- I can't wear silk boxers. If I do, I am at attention all day long.



Thing number six -- I like the occassional finger in the ... well that's too personal and I should end on that note.


That's it. I am not tagging anyone with this though. I don't know enough people well enough to do that.

6:33 AM - 14 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

My Booty
Current mood: artistic

Here is another column, that I personally thought was very funny.

I have recently been walking down a path of life improvement.
I have been working to improve my physical, mental and spiritual health.
Improvement for me is tougher than it sounds because so many of the things I enjoy are bad for me.
But thanks to a television infomercial I watched recently, the road may be a little smoother from here on out.
As I woke from a sound sleep the other morning I noticed a lot of activity on the television screen.
A group of physically attractive people were working out.
I always take a moment to watch any time I see physically attractive people working out.
I do that because someone once told me, If you want to be rich, watch rich people and do what they do!
I figure the same thing applies to having a killer body -- if you want one, watch fit people and do what they do.
The informercial was for a product, and Im not kidding about this, called Yoga Booty Ballet.
The companys Web site encourages those purchasing the product To dance, slim and tone with Hollywoods fun fitness secret.
I can attest to one part of that statement being true; it sure is a secret because I had never heard of the product until I saw the commercial.
The Web site goes on to say; Yoga Booty Ballet is a dynamic fusion of dance, booty sculpting, and yoga that will make you feel strong, confident, and beautiful!
Hollywood celebrities turn to Yoga Booty Ballet to lose weight and sculpt long, lean muscles in a hurry.
Well, its no secret that my booty could use a little sculpting and who doesnt want to feel more strong, confident and beautiful?
The good news to all of us is that we can sculpt our booties and become more beautiful for just two easy payments of $19.95.
When I read that I thought, Are you kidding me, just $40 bucks to look like a celebrity?
I am sure Jared spent more than two $20s at Subway.
Sugar-free candy is horribly expensive, plus causes other unpleasant side effects, if you are eating low carb.
Weight Watchers has worked for a lot of people, but it takes time and money.
So, for me, the way to go seems obvious: Yoga Booty Ballet.
Even though Ive never done yoga, have an unshapely booty and cant imagine me -- the perennial bull in a china shop -- doing ballet, this product sounds like a winner.
There are three easy steps.
In the beginner step I will be guided through meditation and poses.
I can certainly meditate and pose with the best of them.
Then in the next step, according to the Web site, I will experience an uplifting full-body workout that blends modern dance, ballet, yoga, ab work and strengthening.
After reading that one I was a little concerned because I cant dance and my last ab workout was when I sucked in my tummy to pose for a family photo.
The last step -- advanced fat burning -- will take my workout to the next step with more advanced moves.
OK, after reading that one I decided Yoga Booty Ballet may not be the answer for me.
I guess I will go back to counting points, drinking water and trying to walk my way to a sculpted booty.

This column orginally appeared in the Aug. 29 edition of The Salem Leader.

8:21 AM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm better at golf than Tiger
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Sports

I am the sports editor of The Salem Leader/Democrat and this is a recent column that originally appeared in one of those papers.

I in no way consider myself to be a blogger, but I have gotten a lot of responce from this column and thought I would share.
Hope you enjoy.

If I tried to list all the things I love about my kids, I wouldnt know where to begin.
The list would be so long I dont think it would fit in a five-subject notebook.
My kids are always glad to see me and are filled with a love that only children can have for a parent.
If I am a smoker, they love me, (I am still not a smoker, Im saying if I were). They love me the same if I dont smoke.
I complain about my belly being too big, but the kids dont mind; they like the fact that they have a soft spot to lay their heads when they fall asleep.
I could go on for days about why I love them, but one of the best things is that they think I hang the moon.
While watching the PGA Championship last Saturday I asked George IV, Do you know who the best golfer in the world is?
He had a puzzled look on his face, almost as if it were a trick question.
No, he said tentatively, like he knew the answer, but was afraid to say.
I informed him that the best there ever is, was, or will be is Tiger Woods.
Georges tentative look quickly turned to a puzzled expression.
Tiger is not better than you! he exclaimed.
As my head swelled to twice its normal size I thought, Wow, my kid thinks I am a better golfer than Tiger.
His statement wasnt like saying, My dad can beat up your dad. George compared my golf game to that of one Eldrick Tiger Woods.
This is the man who just moved into second place on the list of most major tournaments won, and George thinks I am better.
Let me be perfectly honest. To compare my golf game to Tigers would be ridiculous in nearly every other situation.
Forget about his golf bag; in that sport I am not qualified to fill Tigers divots.
But George just turned 7 in May and thats the way he sees things.
He thinks I do no wrong.
Well, there is one more exception; he wont hesitate to say that his Uncle Joey is better at fixing things than me, but thats the only area.
In every other category I am the tops and thats pretty cool by me.
At the same time, its a little scary. Because with those kind of expectations, I am surely going to fall short in some cases.
I was planning to get him some golf lessons next spring, but I am rethinking that now.
My reasoning is that if he understands the game more and sees me play, he will know instantly that I am not on the same level as Tiger.
I want to hold on to that for as long as I can!
I am sure this will be a story we look back on and laugh at in the future.
Until then, I will enjoy having my name mentioned in the same breath as Tiger Woods. And I will enjoy knowing that I have someone in my fan club that Tiger doesnt.

9:40 AM - 11 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment