Will Work For Food
Current mood: distressed

I am one utility away from welfare. How do I know this? Well, I tried to call my lovely friend Paula to tell her that I was en route for our last minute lunch date and I kept getting "Please dial 1 area code to complete your call" message. Figuring I did, in fact, not dial 1 then the area code, I redialed, carefully pressing 1+714. I heard the same message again. Somewhat confused, I tried dialing other numbers. I mean, I people were able to call me, so I thought that maybe I wasn't receiving an adequate signal even though I had all my bars. Anyway, I had no luck, not even with local calls. I was almost to my destination when I realized that I hadn't received an online statement in quite some time and that perhaps my  service was interrupted for lack of payment. (It was)

After craftily stealing a parking space from a blonde ponytailed Jetta driver, I searched my car for any spare change in the seats, under the floor mats, in the ash tray, glove compartment...you get the picture. Having no luck, I starting shaking my purse listening for the jingle of change that I hoped would total the 35 cents I needed to call Paula. 2 quarters, 3 dimes, 2 nickels and a penny later, I reached a pay phone. What?! 50 cents to make a phone call! Really?! When did that happen?? Anyway, I began looking for people who looked like they may have a dime (a dime!). I didn't want to part with my 2 very valuable laundry quarters. Then I slapped myself for being silly and parted with said laundry quarters because I'll just buy more underwear, lunch with Paula is that worth it, trust me.  So now I'm back at home, logged onto my cell phone's website and my payment option keeps getting denied! I then logged onto my bank's website and was denied access to my account, some "server is busy" message which I, of course assumed meant that I had no money left. What's next? Is American Express gonna come knocking on my door?

2:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

One sentence rant
Current mood: irate

If you are NOT actively passing someone OR moving faster than the line of traffic to your right, then GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!!! If not, at least look in your rear view mirror once in a while to know when you should get the fuck out of my way!

(O.K., 2 sentence rant)

1:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I just had....
Current mood: weird

the weirdest massage experience. I routinely receive massages at The Massage Place (Montana Ave, Santa Monica). My usual therapist had to leave town for a family emergency so I was rescheduled with Gustavo. So there I was naked, face down, and underneath a sheet. Normal so far. Gustavo came in and began to work out the knots in my back, when all of a sudden I heard something that I never expected to hear, especially when receiving a massage. In his smooth Latin voice, Gustavo said, "Coming aboard." And before my brain even had time to process what I had just heard, Gustavo had lept off the floor, landing on my buttocks with all the athleticism, grace, and precision of a gymnast. From his newly acquired position with his knees on my buttocks, he continued to massage the knots from my back. This is the one and only time I wished for more junk in my trunk since his bony knees were killing my ass. Long story short, my next massage is scheduled for Wednesday.

10:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I don't get it
Current mood: confused

Why is the word F-I-R-E, but when we describe something it's F-I-E-R-Y?

10:47 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

How My Father Saw Me Naked On Christmas
Current mood: nostalgic

The morning start out better than expected, mainly b/c my Dad was still medicated from his surgery and I was able to slip 10 of Valium into my Mom's coffee without her noticing. After we opened our gifts, we began to uh, er discuss whose house we needed to be at by when to avoid certain aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, etc. Not feeling at all confident in our itinerary, mainly b/c my Uncle Tony fucks everything up, I headed upstairs to take my shower. Now freshly shaven and Christmas clean, I was still wrapped in my bath towel when I downed my vitamins. All went accordingly until that 3rd little bastard. Stuck somewhere between my uvula and larynx was lodged one very bad tasting vitamin. I tried swallowing, coughing, and pounding myself in the upper chest before I tried swigging more water. No luck, I only choked on the water somehow making the pill seem the size of a submarine. Slightly wheezing and struggling for breath, I made my way downstairs for help. Barely able to speak, I figured that placing my hands around my throat was all I needed to do for help. My father cracked open one eye, not even able to wipe the drool from his chin. My mother asked what was wrong. I was now beginning to feel a little dizzy and was getting mildly sweaty. 10 more minutes of charades ensued before my mother was able to spring out of her chair to my rescue. In what can only be described as a WWF outtake, the somewhat dissolved pill finally launched from my throat, richoceting off the mirror. As soon as adequate levels of oxygen returned to my brain and my vision cleared, I looked down to see my bath towel in a heap on the floor.

And that's how my father saw me naked on Christmas.

10:27 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Waste of time and money
Current mood: irritated

We go through an inauguration every 4 years. We know the routine. Is it really necessary to pre-empt all TV programming to listen to Peter Jennings describe the motorcade, the Mrs' fashion, or how weapon proof the car is? Just give us the highlights on the 6 o'clock news. Of course you can go to a live feed if the President trips and falls or something.

And another thing. I believe you should only get 1 inauguration in a lifetime. We're in debt up to our eyeballs, social programs are being cut due to lack of funding, and Bush has the gaul to spend 40 million dollars!?!?!?! If he wants another party, then the Young Republicans should've held a bake sale or something and decorated the town gym!

2:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment