SOUND BYTE
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging

You know how sometimes when you pass people on the street you hear snippets of their conversations?  Well here's what I heard (and remember, it's all about the context):

Walking past a father and his disappointed-looking 5-year-old son standing just outside the entrance of a local White Castle (one of maybe 3 in all of New York City), I hear the father say to his son, "Look, do you really wanna shit your pants?"

Classic.  I love this city.

6:18 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I'M JUST SAYIN' . . .
Current mood: complacent
Category: Blogging

One small thought to get by the day:

"Scrotum sweat:  stinky natural substance developed by the body to cool down the ballsack when overheated . . . or . . . sensual juicy lubricant purposely created by rubbing your legs together at a rapid pace while wearing powder-blue corduroy pants in your local gym's sauna room?  You be the judge."

6:26 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

SERIOUSLY . . . WHO KEEPS READING THIS?
Current mood: Bring in the Funk!
Category: Bring in the Funk! Blogging

I'm pretty touched that some people keep reading this despite the fact that I've been a terrible blogger as of late.  I kinda miss the carefree days when I would write whatever's on my mind in the most crass and offensive way possible.  The good ol' days, huh?  I should really start things up again.  So much has happened since the last time I posted a blog.  For instance, the other day I took a dump in a public bathroom that smelt so bad that I had to give a courtesy flush . . . FOR MYSELF.  I couldn't stand it!  I had no idea what I ate, but whatever it was it evolved into some kind of satanic stank demon while it was in my stomach.  I screamed as it exited my system, only the scream came out of my ass as opposed to my mouth . . . And it was more of a whistling noise than a scream . . .  Actually, it was more like a tuba solo than a whistle . . . Okay, fine I farted -- ya happy?!  In fact, I farted at the same time someone was exiting (or probably running) out of the bathroom and I think someone just outside of the bathroom heard it and thought he was being summoned because he poked his head in and said,
"Yeah, dude?  What do you want?", 
to which I replied,
"Huh?  Oh no, I just farted . . . ,"
and then he said,
"Oh.  Are you sure you didn't call me?",
and I said
"Not unless your name sounds like Brrrrrraaaaaappppp!!!!",
to which he responded,
"Well my name is 'Brad' and I tend to mix up my 'P' sounds with 'D' sounds, so it's understandable how I might have thought you were calling me,"
at which point I dropped another unholy package of humid stank-terror and drove his ass out of the bathroom.

. . .

Like I said . . . A LOT has happened . . .

7:44 AM - 21 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

ONLINE DATING PROFILES . . . .
Current mood: Falafel Stained Undies . . .
Category: Falafel Stained Undies . . . Blogging

 . . . THAT PROBABLY WON'T WORK

J-Date:
Hi there!  I like to take long walks around the city, long roadtrips from state to state and see the sites in foreign countries.  I can't say that I've ever met someone I didn't like -- I usually get along with others pretty easily (you can ask my roommates).  If any of this sounds appealing to you please email me at nazigermanyforever@theholocaustwasalie.net.  Hope to hear from you soon.

K-Date Video Profile:
I'm a 35-year-old clown who would like to meet some innocent, single kids.  I like kids . . . A lot! . . . Wouldn't you like to come over and honk my . . . What? What do you mean this isn't for kids?  What does the "K" stand for then? . . . Kor-- Koreans? . . . Seriously?  They have their own dating site? . . .  So you mean there's not one for kids? . . . Shit . . .

Any Online Dating Service:
Hello.  I'm looking for a young man with really big balls -- and I don't mean that figuratively; I'm talking "physically" big balls.  Around the size of tennis balls would be best.  Anyway, a little about me.  My hobbies include knitting, writing in my journal and building antique doorknobs out of human testicles . . .

I have a penis.  Do you have a vagina?  If your answer was yes, it sounds like a match to me.

I'd very much like to meet a woman who is like the "girl-next-door."  As for what I like to do in my spare time:  sports, watch movies, and visit the whorehouse next door to me.

My mom tells me I'm quite the catch.  She also molested me when I was 7-years-old. . . . (Sniff) . . . Thanks a lot for reopening that deep emotional wound, Fuckface!

I'm looking for a girl with very small breasts, coarse facial hair and a large abnormal growth where her vagina is . . . Okay, fine, I'm looking for a man!  I'm not gay though. . . .  I'm not . . .  Okay, fine I'm gay!  But I'm not into stapling my scrotum skin to my inner thighs and pretending that my body is one giant webbed duck foot . . . Seriously, I'm -- OKAY, FINE --!!!!

Hi there! . . . I, uh, don't have much to say, so . . . Um, . . . Well, here's a blown up picture of my taint . . .

7:35 AM - 15 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

FUTURISTIC THINGS I PROBABLY "WON'T" LIVE TO SEE
Current mood: A little slow . . .
Category: A little slow . . . Blogging

POLITICS:
A Black president of the United States . . . Who won the election with the slogan "Creamin' my pants for justice!" and answering all quesitons with the phrase, "When I say 'Charlie Brown,' you say 'Big Mutha Fuckin' Head'! CHARLIE BROWN!!" 

RECYCLING:
From years of not knowing what to do with them, we finally decide to crush them up into meat and sell them. 
I'm talking about the "RETARD BURGER" (or for those of you who are more PC, "McRetard Sandwich").

TELEVISION SHOWS:
"Who Wants to Hunt Down Old People and Stab Them in the Heart Because They Are Taking Up Too Many Of Our Resources?"

"American Idol Worship" (Who will it be this year?  Baal, a statue of Mary that cries blood, or a half-horse half-human creature whose torso resembles Jesus?  You decide!). 

"Making McRetard Sandwiches:  A Behind The Scenes Special"

MOVIES:
"Soylent Retard"
(Famous Quote: "It's made from people!  Not-fully-developed people!!!")

[Okay, it's official.  I'm going to hell.]

10:46 PM - 9 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

WAYS TO END A CONVERSATION IMMEDIATELY
Current mood: FLYING UNDERWEAR
Category: FLYING UNDERWEAR Blogging

[Some suggestions for those of us who just don't know how to get out of a boring conversation with someone.]

Universal Things To Say (No matter what the conversation topic):

(After faking a sneeze) "Oops!  I think I just shat myself . . .  Wait maybe not . . . Oh, . . . Oh yeah, there it is running down my leg.   If you'll excuse me . . . "

Continuously interrupt the conversation to point at people and say: "Hey, I'm pretty sure that he/she would probably take a dump in your navel cavity for 10 bucks.  Want me to ask for you?"  (It works best if you point at old people, important figures, or members of the person's family).

(After attending a ceremony at synagogue) "Yeah, I fuckin' hate racist people . . . And Jews."

Spontaneously break out into the Teen Wolf dance then snap out of it and say, "Oh sorry, sorry about that.  Full moons usually have that affect on me." (Works best if you do this at a day event.  And you can substitute the Teen Wolf dance for the Michael Jackson Thriller zombie dance if you wish).

(While doing your best Rick Moranis impression) " . . . I am the Key Master.  Are you the Gate Keeper?"

Two words:  Tourette's Syndrome.

Things To Do:

(For Guys or Trannys) While maintaining eye contact and nodding along with the conversation, slowly unzip your pants and pull out your penis.  Then, it's all about the waiting game.

(For Women or Men with Purses) While maintaining eye contact and nodding along with the conversation, slowly open your purse and pull out a big dildo.  Then, without losing eye contact, start using it as a microphone and pretend like you're interviewing him/her.  Then, it's all about the waiting game.  (An alternative to using it as a mic is to randomly tap passers-by on the head with it -- kind of like you were blessing them . . . With a big dildo). 

Start nodding slowly like you're listening.  Then speed up the nods a little bit.  Then faster.  And once you get to full head-banger speed, pump your fist in the air and start singing the Twisted Sister song "We're Not Gonna Take It!" at the top of your lungs.

While maintaining eye contact in front of the refreshment stand, take up a large piece of cheese, cut a small sliver off the top, smell it, then proceed to rub it under your armpits and all over your body while reciting lines from the "Irish Spring" soap commercials.  (You may also throw in a couple of "Die, Di, Die" phrases while washing up to add authenticity to your Irishness). 

6:09 AM - 13 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Just Some Thoughts (Though Nothing Too Crazy . . .)
Current mood: TAINTASTIC!
Category: TAINTASTIC! Blogging

A FEW ACTIVITIES THAT HAVING MAN BOOBS CAN RUIN:

1.  GOING TO THE BEACH;
2.  PLAYING SHIRTS/SKINS BASKETBALL;
3.  TOPLESS JUMPING JACKS.

ONE ACTIVITY WHERE HAVING MAN BOOBS IS AN ADVANTAGE:

1.  NIPPLE FIGHTS.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL WORK THE WORD "TAINT" (I.E., A PART OF THE MALE ANATOMY -- LOOK IT UP DIM-TWATS* I CAN'T EDUCATE YOU ALL) INTO OUR EVERYDAY CURSE WORDS.  SOME EXAMPLES, IF I MAY:

1.  AH, TAINT ON A STICK!
2.  HEY, TAINT-PUBE, OVER HERE!
3.  WELL RUB MY TAINT AND CALL ME ALICE!
4.  TAINTS TO THE LEFT OF ME, TAINTS TO THE RIGHT . . .
5.  SON OF A TAINT!
6.  WELL I'LL BE A HAIR ON A MONKEY TAINT!
7.  HEY, TAINT-LICK!  YA TAINT-LICKING, TAINT-LICKER!!
8.  TAINT FUCKER!
9.  YOUR MOTHER'S A TAINT WITH EYES AND A CHEAP WIG!
10.  THE TAINT STORE CALLED, THEY'RE RUNNIN' OUT OF YOU!

*Sorry for calling you guys "Dim-twats."  I didn't mean to offend.  It's just that sometimes you make me so damn angry . . .  Ah, who am I kidding?  I can never stay mad at you . . .  I love all of you little Taint Nuzzlers!

[Just warming up for the new season of blogs, my dear readers.  I'll try to keep these up.  Thanks for reading.]

10:49 PM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

NMP's Blogs (The Lost Episodes)
Current mood: Must . . . Write . . . Blog . . .
Category: Must . . . Write . . . Blog . . . Blogging

So I guess some of you were wondering where I've been.  At first I was on vacation, then I had a lot of work to do, and then I just plain didn't feel like writing, afterwhich I took a dump . . . on my lawn . . . next to a garden Gnome . . . uh, . . . named Clarence . . . Okay, let's just say I got really busy with life (it's so unfortunate that life got in the way of Myspace, I know).  Anyway, this isn't a real blog entry or anything, but I just wanted to clear the confusion out there and share a joke with you.  I was actually crying from laughter when I told my girlfriend this joke and I'm not even sure it's funny.  Still though, if some stand-up comic steals it, please let me know so that I may shove a snakeskin cowboy boot up his/her ass made out of real snakes . . . that are still alive . . . and poisonous . . . and on a mutha' fuckin' plane Mutha' Fucka'!!! (I couldn't resist, sorry). 

Anyway, here's the joke:

Ever have one of those "couple" friends who purchase a dog?  Sure, we all have such people in our lives.  But then do these same friends decide to add this dog's "signature" (i.e., paw print) to Birthday cards or Christmas cards or cards celebrating the birth of Tom Cruise's baby (okay, maybe not so much the last one, but then again there's a Hallmark card for every occassion isn't there?). 

Anyway, I have couple friends who do that.  They sign their cards as:  "Luv, Jack, Jill, and Poochie (paw print inserted)." 

Don't ask me why, but that kind of pisses me off.  Which brings me to my idea.  I began entertaining the notion that from now on I would reply to these cards with a card of my own signed like this:  "Luv, NMP, NMP's Girlfriend, and NMP's BALLS (scrotum print inserted)."  Now don't ask me why, but just the thought of that had me laughing for a good 5 minutes.  Then I decided to take it to the next level. 

Why not sign everything with your nuts, guys?  The restaurant or clothing store or sex shop rings up your bill on your credit card and you simply dip your nugget-pouch in an ink pad and stamp your veiny, wrinkly approval on the signature line.  It's simple, no?  And who in the world would be able to forge that signature?  Your sack-o'-joy is like a finger print.

I guess the only problem would be those electronic signature machines, but hey, you could just doodle your jizz-manufacturers on the screen (I mean really, what people can actually sign their name properly on those machines anyway?).

Well, that's it for now folks, I'll try to get my blog up and runnin' again, but in the meantime, may the vacant and discomforting stare of Pimples-the-Clown be with you all . . . And Jesus too . . . I've found that it's always good to throw that guy in the mix now and then. 

10:04 PM - 12 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

5 RECIPES FOR DISASTER!
Current mood: ROAR! I'm a Goldfish! ROAR!
Category: ROAR! I'm a Goldfish! ROAR! Blogging

1 cup of flower; 2 eggs; 1 stick of butter; mix while in doorless, windowless room with 2 wild and hungry cannibals.

1 cup of olive oil; 3 sticks of butter; apply generously and evenly to fingers; hang off 50th floor ledge of highrise building over a bushel of razor blades and rusty daggers.

1 box of Betty crocker cake mix; 1 glass of milk; mix with current girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend's newborn baby, and Maury Povich with a 99.9% accurate paternity test.

1 cup of olive oil; 10 sticks of butter; apply generously and evenly to kids; add 1 Pimples-the-Clown; mix while in doorless, windowless room.

1 cup of cod liver oil . . . What? . . . Have you ever tasted that shit?!  It tastes like homeless person armpit and dirty baby ass! . . . Blech!!!

5:29 AM - 11 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

BLOG COMMENTS JUST FOR YOU . . . AND YOU!
Current mood: Grapealicious!
Category: Grapealicious! Blogging

9:29 PM - 11 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

HONESTLY, I'M NOT A JERK . . .
Current mood: Smoky Joe Fraiser
Category: Smoky Joe Fraiser Blogging

I swear I'm not . . . I mean I take an active role in getting homeless people off the sidewalks . . . And into heavy traffic . . .

What?  Seriously, I'm not . . .

It's not like I push little old ladies down the escalator when they try to pass me . . . I usually choke them out 'til they're unconscious before we even get on the escalator (here's a tip, push them down the up-escalator -- the fun will last that much longer . . .it's a good thing).

Come on, ya gotta believe me!  I really am not . . .

It's just that every time I see a happy pregnant woman and her man, I like to walk up to the man, kiss him passionately on the lips, put my arm around him, and then turn to the woman and say "I hope you know that you're having OUR baby!"

It's not that bad, right?  Right?  You know I'm not . . .

I mean it's normal to take little kids into your house when they're being chased by a dangerous stranger . . . And it's normal to give them a glass of milk and cookies and let them watch T.V. in the basement until the whole scary event passes over . . . And it's normal to spike their milk with rohypnol . . . And it's more than reasonable to accept the 50 dollar payment from PIMPLES in exchange for locking him and the kid downstairs in the basement for 2 hours (with an extra $10 for every 10 minute interval after the 2 hour base time -- oh yeah, I got it all worked out).

But that's beside the point . . . I truly am not . . .

Unless you think helping handicapped people is a jerky thing to do . . . Especially when you help train them in different fighting techniques and then pit them against each other in a vicious no-holds-barred tournament in the underground fighting scene of Chicago . . .

But no, I'm really not . . .

It's not my fault that I enjoy setting up my own sample stand in Costco with little cups of my excrement, and when people ask me what the ingredients are I just tell them what meal I had before filling the cups

Okay, maybe that last one is kinda jerkish, but all things considered, I am NOT a jerk.

9:26 PM - 12 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

So Yeah, I Was Nominated . . .
Current mood: Chubby with wood . . .
Category: Chubby with wood . . . Blogging

. . . FOR THE THE FUNNIEST BLOG AWARD

You know it's just an honor to be nom -- . . . Fuck that, I wanna win! 

If you don't vote for me I will shower fire and brimstone upon all of you and all you hold dear. 

If you do vote for me I will shower . . . because I know how badly I smell.  On second thought, I think I'll shower whether you vote for me or not because it's pretty unhealthy to be this dirty . . . I'm peeling off a layer of grime from my leg as we speak . . . Yeeeaaaah, it's . . . It's pretty bad . . .

Anyway, make sure to vote for your favorite funny blogger (whether me or not, because there's some damn funny nominees) and in the meantime I'm gonna go figure out how to shower people with fire and brimstone . . . Or better yet how to shower in fire and brimstone . . . I hear it's good for the skin . . . Or was that Palmolive?

And just in case anyone gets confused about the voting process (State of Flordia I'm looking at you . . .) you need to click the poll twice -- once to activate it, and a second time to cast your vote.

And a big thanks goes out to the BLOGFATHER for putting this all together!

[This message was brought to you by the PIMPLES-THE-CLOWN FOUNDATION and of course CHARLIE BROWN'S BIG MUTHA FUCKIN' HEAD!]

7:41 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment