Controversial team names that should be changed
Current mood: bored
Category: Sports
In light of the University of Illinois being stripped of their mascot, Chief Illiniwek, I would like to outline a few other teams in professional sports that are sure to come under fire in the next few years as people with way too much time on their hands go after more and more "offensive" mascots.
1) Pittsburgh Pirates: Even in the 21st century, pirates continue to be a serious global problem. In the technological world, software and media pirates continue to rip off billion dollar corporations each day. But the most dangerous pirates continue to be those at sea. Each year nearly $16 billion dollars are lost in pirate robberies, and almost 200 people were taken hostage last year in pirate attacks. So while their mascot may not be responsible for these offenses, it is grossly irresponsible for Pittsburgh to be parading this figure around their ballpark and making a mockery of a serious danger that still exists today.
2) Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox (tie): While both these sports franchises have deep rooted histories, it's hard to ignore the fact that the global illiteracy rate is still between 15 and 20%. Because of this, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) will have no choice but to demand that both teams correct the spelling of their teams name. Both team will also be responsible for any damages awarded in a class action lawsuit filed on behalf of any stupid kid in Chicago, Boston, or anywhere else that was eliminated from a spelling bee because they used the S-O-X spelling.
3) Houston Astros: Because of the high number of toddlers that mispronounce this team name as "ass ho's", Voice's for America's Children will demand that this team name be changed to "Spaceships". Upon realizing that "ships" is easily mispronounced as "shits" by children, the group will then file another request to have the team name changed to Houston Shiny Stars.
4) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Two groups will demand that this team undergoes a name change. The first will be The Vatican. Citing the fact that angels exist all over, and not just in Anaheim or Los Angeles, The Vatican will demand that the team be referred to as the Los Angeles/Anaheim Angels of Everywhere. Sensing an unfair advantage for pro-God religions to recruit sports fans to their church, The Satanic Kindred Organization will demand that the team name be changed to the Los Angeles Anaheimians.
5) Tampa Bay Devil Rays: After failing in their attempt to have the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim referred to as the Los Angeles Anaheimians, The Satanic Kindred Organization will then demand that "Rays" be changed to "Worshippers". This request is met with great resistance however, and the SKO is forced to compromise on Tampa Bay Devil Sympathizers. As sinister as this seems, it creates a great opportunity for Tampa Bay's Game Operations department to hold "Sympathy for the Devil Night", which features a pregame acoustic set by The Rolling Stones and results in Tampa Bay's first ever sellout.
6) San Diego Padres: Fearing that the Padres are nothing more than a secret weapon of the Mexican Government and Hispanic Americans that they are using to win over the American public, several Anti-Immigration groups demand that the team name be changed to Whale Vagina Fathers, citing Ron Burgundy's German translation of San Diego and the English translation of Padre.
Get advice from a sarcastic cynic.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
Every single day I read bullshit advice columns in the newspaper written by bullshit people who probably can't even control their own bullshit lives but think they can make other peoples lives better. Their qualifications are probably not much better than mine, so I've decided to take a stab at this hack profession.
So send me a question and get an answer. Based on my history of all around great success in life, it's pretty god damn likely this will change your life if you let it.
Examples of good questions:
"I've always wanted to make the world a better place, but it seems like such a daunting task for someone like me. What can I do?"
"First off, let me tell you how handsome you are. Actually I don't have a question, I just wanted you to know how good looking you are. Thanks for letting me do that."
"I have $40,000 and I can either use it as a down payment or fund my drug habit for the next year or so. What would be the wise thing to do?"
"I like meeting guys off the National Sex Offender Registry because they seem like 'sure things' and I already have their addresses. Bad idea or good idea?"
Post them on here or send me a message....either one is fine. Thanks.
Paris Hilton is a goddamn racist.
Current mood: crazy
Keep it up, you worthless skank. I can't wait until she's a wrinkle-faced, saggy old hag and can't even buy her way into clubs. With any luck this will occur in the next 10 years.
I hope she has severe bulimia and she accidentally vomits out her peanut sized brain when she's forcing herself to puke.
I also hope her stupid little toy poodle has sex with a raccoon and contracts a disease similar to the Ebola virus, and then the stupid dog gives it to Paris.
I bet that dog hates her more than I do.
I'm a huge fan of free speech, but I wouldn't mind the government imposing a ban on mentioning this no talent skanks name in magazines, newspapers, and on television. Anyone who continues to talk about this do-nothing, child of privilege should be forced to walk around with a sandwich board sign on them that says "I love putting garbage in my brain".
If people insist on giving two shits about celebrity gossip, can we at least limit it to celebrity with a talent of some sort (music, acting, or athletic ability) and an IQ higher than their shoe size?
However, "Stars are Blind" is such a hot track.....I think her and K-Fed should team up and do duets. The resulting product can then be broadcast over speakers in Iraq and we can mentally paralyze them.
Actually, thats not a half bad idea. We can just send all of America's worthless garbage over there and not stop doing so until all the Iraqis say, "Enough! We'll get our act together - just please don't send us anymore of this brain poison!".
Currently
listening
:
Stars Are Blind
By
Paris Hilton
Release date: 18 July, 2006
The billionaire and the lesbian.........
Current mood: vengeful
Category: vengeful Movies, TV, Celebrities
I'm working on something about why I'm the most qualified person to coach Yao Ming and ensure he makes the most of his abilities, but it's long and I'm tired.
In the meantime, please enjoy some Trump vs. Rosie babble with ridiculous quotes pointed out and analyzed.
This douche is only doing this because he needs to give everyone a nice, big Trump-buzz so they'll all tune in to watch the new season of The Apprentice.
In defense of Trump (sort of), Rosie's initial attack was pretty uncalled for.
Here is the sequence of events (or the way I understand it anyway):
1. Trump forgives some beauty queen for being a sloppy binge drinker. 2. Rosie does an exaggerated impression of Trump and makes this face:
and also makes assumptions (albeit possibly...well, probably true) about his motivations and his financial history.
For the record, Trump has made that exact face:
3. Trump then goes on a network and cable television tour slamming Rosie wherever he can get airtime.
Grow up, pal. If you're so rich generate attention for your show the old fashion way - buy some goddamn advertisements.
Rosie's a person that's very lucky to have her girlfriend, and she better be careful or I'll send one of my friends over to pick up her girlfriend. Why would she stay with Rosie if she had another choice?
That's awesome. He literally threatened to have one of his friends steal Rosie's girlfriend. I believe Trumpy has been divorced a few times and probably doesn't want to start any trouble with the current wife, or else I guarantee he would have threatened to f--k Rosie's girlfriend. For the record, if that had in fact happened I would have made that quote my ringtone.
Back to these friends Trump threatens to send to steal Rosie's woman.....who are they? Well I can't say for sure, but based on Trumps band of brothers he marches out at Learning Annex seminars, I can only assume the friends he is referring to are motivational guru and manbeast Tony Robbins and the poor man hater himself, Robert Kiyosaki.
On a sidenote, the Tony Robbins website just freaked the shit out of me. The volume was loud and it's late right now, and I feared he would burst through the door and shout, "THINK ABOUT A DECISION YOU MADE THAT CHANGED YOUR LIFE". I'm really glad that didn't happen and I hope it doesn't show up in a drunken nightmare this weekend. I think I'll prepare an answer just in case freaky Tony does show up.
I'm worth many billions of dollars; now she said I was bankrupt I never went bankrupt. Now, so probably I'll sue her because it would be fun. I'd like to take some money out of her fatass pockets.
That's one jury duty I'd camp out for. And "fatass pockets"? That sounds like the nickname for a minor character on The Sopranos. "Eh, it wasn't me; it was dem losers Fatass Pockets and Mikey Scatino".
Perhaps it should be Rosie that should go to rehab.
Weak comeback. Gotta end on a good one, pal.
She can't be thrilled kissing Rosie O'Donnell. Can you imagine what Kelly has to put up with living with this pigface?
He's talking about how disgusting it would be kiss her. I'm pretty confident that women hate the idea of making out with Trump just as much as men hate the idea of making out with Rosie. The same is probably true of gay men and lesbian women. We'll call this one a draw, Donny.
I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers; I'd say, "Rosie, you're fired".
Haha....that's great. Probably can't get any lamer than that. The best thing about this one is that I bet this was actually the first thing he wanted to say about the whole ordeal, and his publicist said, "Donald....uh....we really should wait to...um....how about you say that tomorrow instead? You should really save the good ones. How about you just call her names like 'pigface' and 'fatty pockets'?"
I am a golden God.
Current mood: insanely confident
I was going to write about what a bunch of morons the players on the Nuggets and Knicks are that were involved in the brawl yesterday, but then something amazing happened when I was at Taco Bell.
I won the coin drop game.
That's my quarter right there. Take a nice long look. If any of you needed any proof that miracles do in fact happen, well there you go.
Not only were the odds against me at accomplishing this feat, but the game is cocky as all hell. Just look at the sign:
Thanks for your donation? That's awfully confident of you, Taco Bell. I bet you wouldn't say thanks for your donation if everyone was as skilled as me and you had to give out hundreds of free bean burritos, tacos, and nachos. You would certainly need to find a new way to raise money for the Boys and Girls Club if you kept getting hustled by dudes with amazing coin dropping skills like myself. Thanks for your donation of a burrito to my constantly expanding waistline, Taco Bell.
At this point in my life I have come to the realization that what I lack in financial planning and all around self-control I make up for through my supreme mastership of carnivalesque games.
I've never met a skill crane I couldn't conquer. I scope out all the angles, watch a few suckers try and fail just so I can get an idea of how firm or loose the hooks of the claw are, and then insert my coins. Just to give you an idea of how insane my abilities are I would like to share a story with you.
One Sunday afternoon during this past summer I met up with my sister and brother-in-law at Arlington Park race track. They were there with my niece and nephew, and instead of betting on horses I decided to take my niece, Grace, into the game room to win various prizes for her.
Bring it, bitch.
Unfortunately for whoever is responsible for stocking this machine that I was about conquer, they decided to put these stupid stuffed monkeys in the machine that had their hands stuck together by velcro.
Say goodbye to your friends and hello to Grace's toybox.
After quickly winning three of these monkeys, I was surrounded by hyper kids who wanted a piece of the action. They marveled in my abilities, and had so many questions as to how I achieved my level of domination.
"How do you do it, Mister?", one young boy said.
"Patience, skill, and a little bit of magic. That's how, young man."
I denied multiple requests from other kids who wanted me to play with their money. I did this for two reasons:
1) A skill as great as this one should not be abused. It's like having X-Ray vision. Once you start using it to see through dressing room doors at Victoria's Secret you compromise the integrity of your skill.
2) There is an outside chance that these kids are actually working for the amusement vending company that stocks the skill crane, and their only goal is to recoup some of their losses before things get out hand.
I didn't want to take any chances, so I took Grace and her three new monkeys and we went back and rejoined her parents. Kid's would walk by with their parents and point at the monkeys and at me, likely telling their parents that I am cooler than they are and that they wish they had those monkeys. I was most likely mentioned in the same sentence as Jesus Christ multiple times. Probably a lot of "Jesus Christ, how does he do it?" and "Jesus Christ has nothing on that man".
To quote the cocky Taco Bell sign: Thank you for your donation to Grace's toybox, Skill Crane.
Currently
reading
:
Carnival Secrets
By
Matthew Gryczan
Release date: February, 1994
When I go buy clothes it's usually a pain in the ass to find things I want to spend my hard earned money on, but there is little mystery when it comes to sizes. My shirts are large and my pants are usually between a 33 and a 35 depending on the store.
The shirt size is simple. I'm kind of big, but not very big, so I get a large. In comparison to really muscular or fat people I'm not very big, and this is why extra large and double extra large exist.
The pant size makes even more sense. That number represents the amount of inches on my waistline. That's very fucking simple, and more importantly it makes perfect goddamn sense. But women don't have things so simple. You see, their bust, waist, and hip sizes start at zero.
Here is the definition of zero from our friends at Dictionary.com:
ze·ro
1. the figure or symbol 0, which in the Arabic notation for numbers stands for the absence of quantity; cipher. 2. the origin of any kind of measurement; line or point from which all divisions of a scale, as a thermometer, are measured in either a positive or a negative direction. 3. a mathematical value intermediate between positive and negative values. 4. naught; nothing. 5. the lowest point or degree.
Now here is the Wikipedia entry for the size zero:
Size Zero From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Size 0 is a women's clothing size in the US catalog sizes system equivalent to a UK size 4. It is also a concept within the European fashion media relating to models with low body mass.
US catalog size Bust size: 31.5 inches (80 cm); Waist size: 17.5.5 inches (60 cm); Hip size: 34 inches (86 cm). It is often mistaken to be a petite size because it is so small. While many petite women do wear size 0, the true definition of petite sizes in the fashion world has more to do with height than with frame; in the United States, it generally refers to a woman who is under 5'4".
So a 17.5 inch waist is a zero. How does that make any goddamn sense and what sinister prick came up with it? If you have zero of anything else you have nothing, so how the hell does 17.5 inches of waistline get labeled zero?
But it gets even more retarded. You see, there's also a size double zero. Double zero is basically the dumbest possible way of saying extra small. They wouldn't have had this problem in the first place though had they not defined 17.5 inches as zero. When I think of double zero, I think of the goon on basketball or hockey teams who only comes in the game to pick fights with the other teams star player or to commit hack fouls to put poor free throw shooters on the line, I definitely don't think of small waistlines.
Maybe I'm not smart, but this quote makes no fuckin' sense to me:
"Violations of our immigration laws and privacy rights often go hand in hand," he said. "Enforcement actions like this one protect the privacy rights of innocent Americans while striking a blow against illegal immigration."
How the hell were privacy rights of innocent Americans protected by corralling 1200+ illegal immigrants and putting them in federal and state detention centers across the country? I'm not making the connection. Are they saying, "look it's okay that we can listen to your phone calls, read your emails, and access your banking records without telling you because we also catch illegal immigrants every now and then."
The arrested workers were from Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Peru, Laos, Sudan, Ethiopia and other countries.
So the problems not just with Mexico? I thought that was the number one priority. I remember something about a porous border and a need for a big fuckin' wall. But yeah, those Sudanese and Ethiopians are getting out of hand too. Laos? They have 6.2 million people and it's in southeast Asia. I have a hard time believing they came in through the Mexican border. If they all came here on vacation at the same time we probably wouldn't even notice the temporary population increase.
During a raid Tuesday at the Swift plant in Greeley, Colo., a frustrated Tony Garcia watched as Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents swarmed inside to arrest illegal immigrants. "We need help, we need answers," he said, questioning who would take care of the children whose parents were arrested.
So the goddamn immigration agents storm in, corral the immigrants, and now they have no plan in place for all the orphans they created? Good call, let's raise taxes and get those Government-made orphans fed, clothed, sheltered, and into school. Sounds like they got their blueprint for this raid from the same war that our overcompensated and undereducated politicians can't seem to put a solid plan together to get the fuck out of.
The raids followed a 10-month investigation into illegal immigrants suspected of buying or stealing other people's identities to secure U.S. jobs. The scheme may have had hundreds victims, officials said.
So did we get the ringleaders of the scheme or just go after the people who took advantage of the opportunity (albeit illegally)?
Immigration officials last month informed Swift that it would remove unauthorized workers on Dec. 4, but Swift asked a federal judge to prevent agents from conducting the raid, arguing it would cause"substantial and irreparable injury" to its business.
The company estimated a raid would remove up to 40 percent of its 13,000 workers. Greeley-based Swift describes itself as the world's second-largest meat processor with sales of about $9 billion.
$9 billion. That's pretty serious. To put that in perspective, thats more annual sales than Amazon.com ($8.49 billion), Heinz ($8.91 billion), Southwest Airlines ($7.58 billion), Google ($6.14 billion), and Harley-Davidson ($5.67 billion). Swift & Co. sounds like a pretty big company.
United Food and Commercial International Workers union spokeswoman Jill Cashen told the Post workers taken from the Worthington, Minn., plant were bused to South Dakota.
So we're throwing them on buses and driving them over 5 hours away? Pretty scary. What's in South Dakota? What used to be going on wherever they're holding all these people?
I don't play a lot of video games, but I stayed home from work on Friday and hung out at my friend Matt's condo. We decided to play a little Mortal Kombat 3, which is a game I probably spent hundreds of dollars before my vice of choice switched from video games to booze.
I tried out a few characters, but nothing surprised us more than the nasty, air suspending grab and crotch eating performed by "Kano'.
Gay.
How is that even fighting? What is it? When the game creator suggested this be one of Kano's moves, did anyone object? Did anyone even point out that it looks more like fellating than fighting? I've seen a good amount of fights in my day, but not once have I seen a guy lift his opponent in the air and rub his face into the other guys nether region. I didn't know any other moves, so I just kept on with the cock eating until Matt's character died. Once he succumbed to multiple mouth blows to the penis, I had the opportunity to "Finish Him!". Apparently all that dick biting wasn't enough to put him out of his misery. Had I been more skilled at this particular game, I would have then been able to rip his heart out. Oh well, maybe next time.
My name is not slang, It's John.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Hi, I'm John, and it just so happens I am not thrilled with the fact that people use my name as a general slang term.
I do not like my name being used as a euphemism for a toilet/bathroom, and I am also less than excited about my name being used to generally describe a man who enjoys the services of prostitutes. While the first two instances bother me the most, I am also a little annoyed when my name is used to describe a "Dear John letter". Being the generic filler for a soon to be ex-boyfriend is hardly flattering.
How many other first names are used as a euphemism for anything, much less the plumbing fixture and disposal system primarily used to dispose of urine, fecal matter, vomit, semen and menses?. I didn't know what menses was prior to being upset about this, but Wikipedia told me that menses is a fancy term for menstruation. That's too bad, because I held out hope that it had something to do with Mensa, the international organization of individuals with IQ's in the 98th percentile of society. Unfortunately it's just period blood. Fucking gross.
I am ok with this.
While I am also ok with this, I don't want to be directly associated with them.
Customers of prostitutes go by the following terms in other countries: Canada: Clients. Well that's very literal. Good call again, Canada. You're back in my top 8. UK: Punters. Don't really get it, but I could come up with a few theories. Plus I don't know of anyone named Punter. Sweden: Torskar. Apparently this one means loser, which is appropriate, and if your name happens to be Torskar, you probably are a loser anyway.
Back to actual names themselves though. We've already determined that John is a bad one for slang terms.
But what about Bill? No one particular likes bills, but they don't dispose of fecal matter in them or on them. Someone might say "I'd rather wipe my ass with that bill than pay it", but no one actually does that. When someone says "I'd rather use the john", it implies they would rather defecate than do whatever else you suggested, or that they would rather interview and/or arrest the prostitute enthusiast than the other potential witnesses/suspects.
Start calling them "Nasters", dammit.
Will? Writing a will is important, and everyone should have one. Also, when you will to do something, you're trying your damn hardest. I've tried my hardest when using the john, but the ultimate goal is never worth talking about.
Rich? That means that you are wealthy. While this would be sadly ironic if you were in fact poor, it's hardly the end of the world. It can also mean that something is thick or flavorful. Nothing bad there unless you live amongst cannibals.
Dick? That's obviously slang for a penis, but it is also used as a nickname for a detective. The statement "you are a dick" hardly makes any sense anyway. Nearly all Dicks probably do have a dick, but the fact that you can say this to them means they also have a full body as well. It's like saying "you are just a pretty face". You may have a pretty face, but if you literally were only a face it would creepy and extremely not pretty. Plus if you have a problem with it, you can just go by Rich instead of Dick.
Matt? A wrestling matt is something that sweaty men in tight spandex grapple on. While that is a gross thought, it is not as nearly pathetic as a wrestling john, which would be a client wrestling their prostitute. Even if wrestling hookers is your thing, that's no way to go through life and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Roger? I believe that's British slang for having sex. If johning meant I was having sex that would be great, but it actually means I'm out picking up whores and paying for sex, not just having it.
Jimmy? Innocent enough I guess, it describes some type of MacGyverish way of opening something that is currently closed. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of "johnnying the door" would be this scene from one of the most well known and critically acclaimed movie about a psycho of all time:
And what about Bob? (Good movie, bad plug) The "bob and weave" is a basic boxing move, bobbing your head is a way of showing approval or enjoyment of music, and bobbing for apples is a popular Halloween activity. Johning for Apples would be a general man (the john) soliciting a specific prostitute (Miss Apples).
Rob is a pretty bad one. "Robbing the cradle" and "robbing her of her innocence" are both terrible things (first one usually, second one always). But you could rob from the rich and give to the poor, so the uses aren't all bad (that's my second Robin Hood reference today if you're counting). Ultimately though, if you really have a problem with the bad ones, you could just always go by Bob.
Nick? That implies a small dent or scratch....big deal. Getting "nicked" is also a lucky thing too, because you narrowly escaped danger and walked away with just a nick. In this scenario, getting johned would mean a hooker successfully finding a client for her services. "Good work, hooker. You johned him good."
Sue? We live in a litigious world, and while "I'm gonna sue your ass" is a cliche statement and usually an empty threat, if the person making the statement does truly have a case the potential for millions is there. No one ever got rich taking a dump, getting dumped (few men anyway - ask K-Fed), or giving their money to loose women (ask Paul McCartney).
Josh? I'm just joshing with you. It means you're joking around and having a good time. Who doesn't like a good time? However, I feel that annoying people usually say this, so I guess it could be even more annoying if your name was Josh and someone you worked with always made a "Just Joshin' with you!" joke.
And now on to Jack....poor, poor Jack. A jackass is a donkey or a person who acts like an idiot. I'm sure all donkeys wish they were horses, and I'm equally sure that no one aspires to be associated with idiots. Unless of course, you were on the TV show "Jackass" and you got to make millions acting like idiots. You could also say you got something jacked, which would imply that you had personal property stolen. As for masturbatory terms, "Jag" and "Jack" are synonymous, so you can go ahead and add the endings to those ones.
But who does Jack have to blame? John of course! It wasn't until recent that anyone was actually named Jack, prior to that it was just a nickname for John. So anyone named Jack doesn't really have the "Rob/Bob" or "Dick/Rich" luxury of just switching to the positive one.
So before you use someones name to describe an activity that is less than flattering, please think twice and use good judgment. Or at least do the same thing you do when you use other stereotypes and generalizations and just wait until no one who could be offended is around.
Judge: Make Bills Recognizable to Blind Today a US District Judge ordered that the Treasury Department come up with ways for the blind to tell bills apart. He argued that other countries do different things to denominations to make them recognizable to the visually impaired, and there is no reason why the US cannot start doing the same.
I would like to offer a few solutions to this problem:
1. Use a goddamn debit card: Considering most banks will let you open a checking account with a minimum opening deposit of around $100, even a broke-ass blind person can get a debit card. This will save blind people money on ATM fees too, and they can spend less time making sure they got proper change.
2. Get a fat sack of Sacagawea's: There's no shame in a fanny-pack full of these attractive $1 coins.
Especially if you're dressed up like Robin Hood. Then you would command a ton of respect.
And if you were really wealthy, you could just get a room of your house to serve as your own personal coin bank and coin swimming pool. The old rich guy in Duckburg just kicked the bucket, and I hear his nephews Huey, Duey, and Louie put the house on the market to finance their respective drug and alcohol addictions. ..
bored
contemplative
crazy
tired
exanimate
