Most I've ever gotten out of throwing money away...
Current mood: ecstatic

So the other day I felt like throwing money away.  Definitely not because I have too much, but I have to give myself some kind of reason to whine about money, right?  The trash can happened to be full, and I don't smoke cigars so there was no point in lighting it on fire, so I decided I'd use it to play the lottery.  I figured, why not: it is up to 200 million.  Plus on this website I found online (you know, as opposed to the websites you just find wandering the streets at midnight asking you if you'll click on them for a dollar) they said they had a discount on my first purchase just for being me!  (I don't know what you're talking about, it wasn't just for anyone who was using the website to pop their lottery cherry!  I refuse to believe that the world doesn't revolve around me.)  So of course, I buy the ticket, and then spend the rest of the day dicking around on myspace, or occasionally actually doing work at my job.

A day or so passes with me completely forgetting about it...until last night when I suddenly remember while laying in bed daydreaming (is it still called daydreaming if its nighttime?).  So I ponder why people would actually waste money on lottery tickets, and then it hits me.  Those people aren't buying the ticket, (well they are, but stick with me) they're buying hope.  They're buying the idea that good things can happen.  They're fighting off that part of their brain that tells them that they have a better chance of getting struck by lighting while surfing on top of an attacking shark in the middle of the Gobi desert.

So I figure, why not surrender myself to being irrational, and contemplate what could happen if I actually won.  You know, give some money to charity, buy myself mansions (because you gotta have one mansion you can just party at and trash, one mansion to chill in, and another mansion to keep the world's largest supply of food items that look like Jesus, the virgin Mary, and Tom Cruise.) and etc.  So I daydreamed until it became dream until that became a daydream the next morning.  So after a dreamy trip to work I walk up to my cubicle and prepare to have my hopes dashed.  I log on, go to check my mail and...the internet is down.  So I figure I might as well daydream some more...because lets face it, what else am I going to do at work when I can't surf the web.

Finally, after distractedly almost stapling my hand to a piece of paper, and sitting through 2 meetings with eyes more glazed then a donut, I get back to my cubicle and go to my inbox.  Wow, 30 new messages!  Myspace and spam would usually account for about 25, but 30 seems a bit much.  I start to hope that maybe the website sent me a couple emails.  Click on the inbox and yup!  2 emails from that website!  My heart starts to beat faster.  One of them says something about transferring funds, and the other won says I one! (As Willa Wonka would say... wait scratch that, reverse it.)  Hand trembling, I click on one of them.  "Congratulations you have won!"  I'm finally going to be able to tell off my boss, quit my job, and spend the rest of my life eating caviar off of plates made from frozen Crystal!  I scroll down..."the sum of $3 for getting the Powerball correct has been transferred to your account!"

...I wonder if that's enough to buy another ticket...

Random blog whoring:  I'm feeling particularly blog-whorish today, so I'm going to give y'all another double header. I've never been a fan of those 'tag' blogs so when I do get tagged I'm probably not going to do one (altho, I will be honest, I do cheer and do a little dance whenever I'm tagged.  Like someone more famous than myself said: "the only thing worse then being talked about is not being talked about.") however Reflections of a Burning Bush came up with a heartfelt one, and one of the best reads I've had. So Read it! Also, I gotta whore out the sunniest person I know, Sunny...she's everywhere I want to be simply because she is awesome. So read her incredibly interesting life story: Notches on the Bedpost. Its a series and there's alot, but its well worth it.

Random wondering: does anyone else remember the commercial and song for that old marble shooting game "Crossfire?"  It was so simple and easy and catchy, it still will randomly get stuck in my head.  Plus you can use it for anything.  I personally think I should adapt it for a sexual harassment awareness video.  "Crotch grabber!  Don't get caught up in the Crotch grabber!"

Random supscription banner segue:  CROTCH GRABBA!!!!!

11:50 AM - 48 Comments - 56 Kudos - Add Comment

Never too sheepish for a competition!

There are few things that I consider necessities: food, water, TV, sleep (sometimes), some kind of party supply (drugs either legal or illegal...well as long as the only illegal drug is weed, I don't do actual drugs), and (of course!) sheep.  Ok, actually sheep aren't a necessity in any way, shape, form or amorphous blob.  But I decided to come out of my shell a little bit and enter a blogging contest (Gratuitous links time!  contest group; contest organizer; top blogging group; and the most random website I could find. Whew!  I think I just had a linkgasm.  Was it good for you too?).  Anyways... the topic I have to write about (or at least mention the word in the blog) is..... (dramatic drum roll!  No, dramatic drum roll is not the topic... but that would be pretty cool....what was I saying?  Oh yeah....) sheep!

But what to write about it?  I mean the topic is kind of random.... but fortunately so am I!  I actually have thought of several tracks I could take....

Firstly I could have a big important blog about how societal pressures and peer pressure can turn the masses into metaphorical sheep.  Wandering around aimlessly, completely clueless to what is going on, focused entirely on finding the next blade of grass.  Shepherded by Modesty, Embarrassment, Fear, Hope, Love, Faith and many many more.  Unfortunately it seems that the shepherds are in fact not only blind, but blind, clueless, bumping into each other, and often randomly engaged in random fights and insult contests (hey Embarrassment, yo mama is sooo stupid that she put her phone up to her ass and thought she was making a booty call!).  Throughout all the chaos simply trying to keep living and figure out if we should follow the herd or walk blindly into the night.

Nah, I don't think I could write about that tho... not even a paragraph.  I'm in more of a humorous mood vice a random ranting mood.  So what humorous things could I write about sheep?  Well I'm sure I could just spout some jokes (A blonde got so tired of hearing blonde jokes she died her hair.  One day she met a sheep herder and asked him "if I guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"  The sheep herder agreed.  The woman paused and completely randomly said "47!"  The sheep herder looked amazed and told her to pick out a sheep.  The blonde pointed at the cutest one.  The sheep herder stared at her for a second and then said "ok, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?") or dirty limericks (Mary had a little sheep; with the sheep she went to sleep; the sheep turned out to be a ram; and Mary had a little lamb.) or just random facts about sheep. (for instance, did you know in some Islamic countries its illegal to eat a sheep you've had sex with?  I hope I've given you as many nightmares with that factoid as I've had over it.)  However, but since I want to be more of the black sheep and a baaaad blogger (I really really tried to fight off that joke.  I tried to distract it with other jokes, tried to just swallow it down, but it overpowered me and jumped through my fingers into my blog.)  I'm actually going to talk about goats instead!

Recently I've wondered what to do about my life...until I found out about a particular animal I can imagine entertaining me endlessly.  How could a goat do this you wonder?  Well its not just a goat... its a fainting goat!  Somehow, this rare species of goats has developed the defensive ability of... being able to lock up its legs and fall down.  Not only that, but if one of them sees another do it, then they do it too.  Picture a field of 200 fainting goats... the shepherd gets bored and randomly decides to yell out "MARTHA STEWART!!!"  The goats are frightened (and understandably so, that would scare me too!) and with a collective chorus of "baaaas" lay on their backs with their legs in the air like a blonde on.... yeah I've already insulted the blondes once... I'll let them be for now.

Unfortunately, I fear my dream may never come to fruitition.... I can dream tho... I can dream....

Random wondering:  has anyone ever managed to do one of those mad-lib things without inserting a joke about poo or sex in an inappropriate place?  Or is it like typing ASS as your initials in a video game: simply hardwired into our genes from caveman days (man those cavemen were AWESOME at video games and mad-libs!)

Random blog whoring: Haven't I posted enough random links!?  No?  Well I'll whore out my fellow competitor in this blogging competition Andy K so check out his entry: sheep.

Random subscription banner segue: What CAN'T they do!?

6:31 AM - 37 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

Terrorist rants and traps
Current mood: restless

People are amazing.  Its true, and its just that simple.  We are incapable of so many great things... and at the same time so many horrors.  We react to everything differently... and yet there similarly enough to some things. 

The biggest example, is of course 9/11.  With the new upcoming movie, and 9/11's upcoming anniversary I doubt I'll be the only one thinking about 9/11.  Hell the very fact that we call it an anniversary is a sign of how contradictory we are.  Usually when I think of an anniversary I think of flowers, dinner, and cake.  Hey!  Maybe that's what we need to do, buy the terrorists flowers.  Tell them we're very sorry for being ourselves and believing in what we believe in, and ask if its ok that we buy them dinner.  And then, just to make sure they like us, give them a cake.  And then, when they go home and eat the cake they'll think to themselves... "well wasn't that ni-" and then the bomb we put in the cake explodes and kills them!  Heh, sorry got lost in a fantasy for a second.

However, no matter what the issue, I always try to see it from both sides.  What exactly is terrorism?  How can you differentiate between terrorism and war, as they claim it to be?  (Which, by the way, is a huge reason why I think they shouldn't call it 'The War on Terror," it almost seems like we're justifying their cause.  Plus, only insane people would declare war on an intangible emotion.)  I'm sure the French underground was viewed as terrorism by the Nazis.  Weren't the Americans in the Revolutionary War viewed basically as terrorists?

However, maybe I am on the biased side of things.  Who knows, maybe I am one of the good ignorant German people who were oblivious to the horrors of the Nazis and thought his side is the good and right one.  Even if I am does that make my opinion any less valid?  All you can do in life is use what you know to form your own opinions.  And I know that the various fundamentalist groups (not I did not specify Islamic fundamentalist groups, because I remember Oklahoma city, and I know that terrorism is not relegated to religion) are wrong in their attacks.  As I see it, they are simply using death and destruction for their desire of inspiring fear (wait, terrorism is using violence for the object of inspiring terror!?  Wow, I bet I'm the first one to think up that definition...)

However (yes, obviously my goal of this blog is simply to start every single paragraph with the word 'however') I do not think that invading Iraq was the right response.  Don't get me wrong, that's inconsequential because we are in there now and I don't think we can just pull out.  However invading a country just because a minority of its people may be involved in such acts... its a bit much.  Not only that, but does it make us any better then them?  Well... that's not really for me to judge.  Maybe it will help out their country in the long term.  But I doubt that the Iraqi mother who lost her daughter in a US bombing thinks that way.  Or an Afghani who lost his entire family.  Or a Lebanese man who saved up his entire life to have a house of his own... only to have it destroyed by an Israeli.

The terrorists are definitely wrong and I have no problem with any of them that die... but I fight my own personal war with terrorism a different way.  I refuse to allow them to change my life.  I refuse to live in fear, or look over my shoulder in any way.  If I had any the money and desire, I would have been on a plane the day after 9/11.  I was on the subway (altho several thousand miles away) the day after the bombings in London.  So while a part of me wishes we could take an Operation Swordfish approach, and just reply tenfold to any terrorist attack, the bigger part wishes we could punish those responsible, embrace and help out the innocent, and above all refuse to let terrorists change the way I live my life.

Random Blog Whoring: Double feature today!  First of all I have to whore out Nanea as it was her blog that inspired todays rant. Secondly, I have to whore out Bohemian Cats in Space since he wrote a very funny blog, and could use as much support as y'all can give him.

Random Wondering: Alright, not quite that random as its connected to today's blog.... but wouldn't it be alot easier if it was the leaders themselves that did the suicide bombings?  What do they have doctor's notes excusing them from being suicide bombers themselves?

Random Subscription Banner Segue: Well there is one good thing about terrorism.... it has united the majority of countries in the world against it. 

8:53 AM - 53 Comments - 46 Kudos - Add Comment

Dawn of the Dumb
Current mood: Dead on my feet

First of all let me say that I have not had the best day.  Nothing has actually gone wrong with it, I just woke up this morning and thought to myself: I feel like being in a crummy mood all day.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that its so hot outside cactus are wilting.  Astronauts are outside my window right now, talking excitedly about their future mission to cooler places.  Like the sun.  So if my writing seems worse then usual, its probably related to the fact that right now I don't want to do anything other then go lie down in an air conditioned bed.  (I'll settle for lying down on a bed in an air conditioned room, however.)

But I'm not posting a blog to complain... ok obviously I am, but I'm not posting a blog JUST to complain.  I was cruising around myspace, as I often do, and I found some critical information I needed to share with all of you.

Its really mind blowing stuff, but please try to remain calm and hopefully we can get through this together.

Are you sitting down?

What do you mean "I'm at my computer what do you think!?"  Oh, I guess that is pretty self explanatory... I really don't know why I needed to repeat the whole sentence.  What?  Oh right, the big news.

I have inferred from a very reliable source, that a zombie epidemic is going to break out soon.  That's right, the living dead. 

What, you don't believe me?  Well what other possible explanation could there be for this group: http://groups.myspace.com/thezombiesurvivalguide?

For those of you clickaphobes, I'll just tell you what its about.  Quite simply its a myspace group (with over 1800 members) created expressly to figure out how they could survive if... you guessed it!  If zombies attack.

Not all of them take the group seriously, but some of them I'm utterly convinced actually think that there are zombies around.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes of theirs:

"Its like Santa Claus for the slightly insane."

"Ate his nipple?" (This and the next 2 are in response to a story about a mentally deranged individual in England who broke into someone's house and bit his face and nipple)

11:26 AM - 43 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Religion and why clumsiness and confessionals don't mix.
Current mood: indescribable

Another disclaimer before a blog:  Just in case your sarcasm detector is off, I just want to let you all know that you guys are awesome.  And if you are offended easily when it comes to religion, then sorry if this did it to you.  I am always up for any intelligent conversation on the matter.

I have to admit I'm disappointed in my the quality of people I've met in myspace.  The people that I've met seem to be fun, smart, and nice people.  What's up with that!?  So far the only piece of hate mail I've ever gotten was when I tried to friend a random girl who told me I was a whore, a lesbian and awkward.  I mean, I am a self pronounced myspace whore so she got me there.  It came as something of a shock to find out that I was a lesbian, but obviously some girl who's never met me must know better then I do about that.  But awkward!?  Now that was just hurtful!  I asked her how she could live with herself after saying something so horrific as 'awkward,' but alas she didn't respond.  However, I figured that maybe if I write a blog about something more controversial (although what could be more controversial then Geraldo, I'll never know) then I'll get some more poorly written and thought out hate mail I can make fun of.

But what is out there that could inspire such irrational emotions from people?  If only I could think of something that has been around for a really long time, at least a couple thousand years.  Something that has inspired otherwise completely irrational wars.  Some idea that even today has shaped the very way that maps are colored.  Well unfortunately I can't think about anything like that, so I'm just going to talk briefly about religion.

Let me start by saying technically I would consider myself Catholic.  No I wasn't attracted by the fun way we Catholics guilt ourselves over everything.  Or even the hopes of one day having a friend that could grow up, become a priest, and have several special altar boy friends.  Or even in the hopes of persecuting people just because they chose to be gay (after all I remember when I was a little kid and I said "oh what the hell, I'll like people of the opposite sex.")  No quite frankly, I became Catholic by virtue of being brainwashed in my Catholic middle school.

Now, even though I may have already inspired all the hate mail I ever could have wanted from that paragraph and more, let me just simply state what I believe.  I think that there is a God and He (before I start another debate I don't actually think God is necessarily of the male gender, I don't really think God is of the female gender either.  I simply think that God is something we've never seen before) is good.  Quite simply, I think that he created all of us (by setting the wheels in motion, not by bypassing Evolution.  I'm not the Kansas school board.)  and gave us free will.  Because only through freedom could we have the capacity for such kindness and virtues.  Of course, that also would give us the capacity for atrocities of which most of us couldn't even imagine (at least, not before the Holocaust.)  He made everyone different but equal. 

I do not think that He put us here to hate one another because of what you believed in.  Because of your sexual orientation.  Because of the color of your skin.  All of that is simply our greatest vice which can allow us our greatest virtue.  The ability to choose how you react to someone.  More importantly the ability to love.

However, more then anything, I also believe that the world is what you make of it.  That all belief systems, religions, even atheists, are simultaneously true.  If you believe it, then that is how it is.  Sure, that contradicts itself several hundred times over, but hell even one religion will contradict itself more times then I've bothered to count.  I can't even grasp how one god could also be 3 gods, so why not accept that something else I couldn't grasp, how all these contradictory ideas could all be equally true?  So go out, believe what ever you want, and the next time someone's view point differs from you, tell them: "You know what?  You're 100% right.  It just so happens that I'm 100% right too."  (Except maybe Scientologists...)

Wow, what the hell got into me today!?  I'm sorry, evidently I woke up deciding that I would try to figure out the maximum amount of preachiness I could be and then go just a little bit farther.  Well maybe I'll provide you all with a little comedic relief and tell you about the first time I went to confession.

As I mentioned I went to a Catholic middle school, and one of the few benefits was that we got out of class for various church related things, like going to confession.  For those who have never been, or were just too loaded off of Sacramental wine to pay attention, this is how it went down for me.  Everyone in my class would sit on the little wooden benches, focused on the huge cross in the middle of the church.  Behind us was the confessional, in the shape of 3 very nondescript looking doors.  The priest had already walked in the middle one, and I knew that I would eventually have to go into one of the ones on the side and confess my sins.

So after about 20 minutes of sitting in forced quiet, contemplating what my sins were (is it a sin to pick a wedgie in church?  I've never confessed to it so I hope not.), and passing notes to my little friends that were nearby, it was finally my turn.  Keep in mind, I had never done this before and I wasn't completely sure what to expect.  So I walked into the room and looked around.  Not much to see, a screen that I knew the priest would slide aside in a little bit after he was done talking to the other booth, a kneeler, and up on the wall another crucifix.

So I knelt down, and discovered that the kneeler was connected to the light switch or something cool like that.  Fortunately, I somehow managed to keep from abusing my newfound ability to control electricity with a simple kneel, but I did bounce around a little bit until I felt my head bump against the cross.  I figured that was Jesus' way of saying "hey, settle down!"  so I made sure to behave myself, and knelt as quietly and still as possible.

What I hadn't counted on was that evidently the person in the other confessional that the priest was talking to must have been Marilyn Manson, or Jennifer Lopez or President Bush or something, because the priest was taking forever interviewing him or her.  I grew bored, contemplated bouncing around again, and eventually got lost in daydream.  When the priest finally did slide open the screen to say "Home of the Whopper, what's your beef?"  or whatever he said, I was so startled I jumped up in the air.  The already pre-loosened crucifix was upset at this, and fell over and clunked on my head, forcing out an involuntary "GOD DAMNIT!"

However, the priest was very calm and cool about it.  Without missing a beat he said "For future reference you can just tell me about a sin instead of acting it out, but other then taking the Lord's name in vain what are your sins?"

Random blog whoring:  Well religion might be more controversial then politics at times, but I also guarantee you that Maria is a lot better at writing about it then I am religion. So check out The Gay 14th Amendment Is Now Straight and find out how politics (or at least making fun of politicians) can be fun!

Random wondering: Am I the only person stupid enough to turn a twist tie the wrong way, and then try turning it the opposite way... and then turn it the opposite way again after a few seconds.  What did I think was going to happen, it would just say "ok you've got the combination, now here's your prize!" and fall off?

Random subscription banner segue: Well I wouldn't be too eager to be friends with someone if they put up a picture of me and asked everyone to click on it to subscribe, either.

8:53 AM - 45 Comments - 40 Kudos - Add Comment

Suzette at large
Current mood: In a media kicking mood

Disclaimer:  I have never actually seen Geraldo at large, so I probably have no right to make fun of them.  Will that stop me?  Hell no!  But all the info I have on them is from a quick Google search, so I'm sure I got stuff wrong.  In fact, I don't actually know anything about senators, politics, Tom, or zoo animals either.  What follows is really just a nonsensical rambling that will probably make you stupider for having read it.  But you know you like it ;)

This is Suzette for Geraldo at large.  Geraldo couldn't be here today, unfortunately it seems that in a recent news story it was discovered that several animals that escaped from the zoo are actually hiding in his mustache.  Several zoo employees have been sent in, but it is expected to take several weeks before the mustache has been completely searched. 

But this is just in!  It seems that the seemingly controversial myspace has actually been shut down.  At the scene in the Capital building, is our very own Laura Pringles.  What's happening Laura, have you determined that once your popped you just can't stop?

"Thanks Suzette... actually the name is Laura Ingle.  But this is obviously your first and last day on the job so I'll cut you some slack.  Yes I'm here with Illinois republican representative Mark Kirk.  Mr. Kirk, you were one of the original inspirations for this act, what inspired you to pass this ban?"

"Well Myspace.com has been a center of drug activity, of gang activity and of Internet predators.  We believe that Myspace.com has in fact become the sole inspiration for all crimes relating to drugs, gangs, and perverts.  In fact, we think that anyone who owns a computer runs a risk of being infected by the evil myspace beliefs that people can actually interact online.  I mean, think about it, of course if there is a possibility of anonymous interactions online, a 13 year old girl is going to take naked pictures of herself and tell everyone that she is really 23.  And of course this is in no way the fault of the child, or the people who are so perverted to look at it, or the parents of the child.  After all, I naturally assume that anyone who isn't rich like myself, has a job either driving around wealthy individuals like myself or scrubbing windows for wealthy people.  They would be far too busy to give their children guidelines, or to mention to them that posting naked pictures for 40 year old men would be wrong.  After I pointed this out to congress during our 16 week vacation in Hawaii, we had no choice but to ban myspace.com before it was too late."

"Thank you Mr. Representative.  And as all of our viewers know, he is a Republican so he must be right or you are automatically a communist.  Back to you Suzette."

And thank you Ms. Dingle-berry you've proved once again that you were hired only for your intelligence and not because of your looks or the fact that you were first in line to blow the producers of this show.  Here in the studio with me is Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Hello Governor how are you doing today?

"I have big muscles!"

Well ok, that was a little bit strange.  Ok, moving on...so what is your reaction to them shutting down Myspace?

"Anyone who is sad over this is a little girlie man!  Its time for me to pump them up!"

Wasn't that not even a quote of your own?  That was just from an old SNL spoof of you.

"Um.... I've got to get to the choppa!  Hasta la vista!"

Goodbye Mr. Governor, well that certainly was one of the most useless interviews ever.  But now, with some more very conveniently timed breaking news we go to someone else who I assume must work here since he's on camera, Phil Myfameisfleeting.  Phil?

"Thanks Suzette, actually my name is Phil Keating, but since you were probably too busy burning your bras in the 60s to figure out how to read my nametag I'll let it slide.  I'm here at the founder and fame of myspace, who prefers to go only by Tom.  Tom, how are you handling this myspace shut down?"

"I...I..." *sobs* "I just keep taking pictures of myself giving thumbs up, but no one looks at them anymore.  I...just don't know what to do now that I can't think up pointless delays for millions of people online."  *Breaks down sobbing uncontrollably.*

"Yes truly heartbreaking.  I honestly feel like I am going to cry.  No really, these are tears not dabs from my water bottle.  Its real emotion, so give me an Emmy already!  Um... I mean... back to you Suzette!"

...really so you're telling me that not only was OJ guilty, but he actually shot Kennedy too?  But that doesn't make any sense.  Well ok I guess I'll take another shot of scotch, thanks.  So do you come here of-umm.... thanks Phil for what I'm sure was yet another groundbreaking and insightful yet irrelevant report.

In other related news, paper shortages and littering skyrocketed as the thousands of bloggers, no longer able to post on myspace, took to writing out all their thoughts and posting it outside of their windows.  To better show how people are taking it, we'll now go to a bunch of clips of the craziest and most deranged interviews we did from former myspace addicts, most likely showing the stupidest and worst of all races and genders, showing that everyone that isn't rich is equal in the eyes of the news.

"I...I...I don't know what to do anymore, I just keep staring at the computer and trying to google random attractive women but it just doesn't work like myspace..."

"I spent 2 hours walking up and down the road asking people if they would be my friend and give me a picture of them, but no one said yes..."

"I tried shouting my stupid skit about Fox news off the roof, but I got hoarse halfway through and the cops just thought I was going to jump..."

Wow that last white woman was very pretty, altho that black dress of hers was kinda ratty looking.  And what the hell was that piece of paper she was holding?  Oh well, this has been Suzette for Geraldo at large signing off.  Now clue the sappy montage music to show how everyone has a happy ending.

(Phil Keating did receive that Emmy nomination, unfortunately on his way to the Emmy's he got lost and accidentally ended up in Geraldo's mustache.  He is presumed dead.)

(Laura Ingle took over for Geraldo when he left.  The show is now called "Laura Ingle and I'm not that large!")

(Suzette ran for president on the suggestions of some of her myspace friends, and their assurances that she was cool.  Her campaign was abandoned when during a rally she flashed her breasts, and made fun of every single ethnicity, gender, and way of living.  Also the campaign managers found out she had no money.  She is currently running for governor of California instead, and is figured to be the best candidate despite the handicap of not living in Cali.)

(Geraldo never did hear about the zoo animals in his mustache, but eventually left Geraldo at Large to start his own talk show.  This week's topic, how large is too large and does anyone take me seriously?)

(Tom finally discovered a way to annoy as many people as he had in myspace.  Unfortunately he was fired from the DMV for "being to happy, and giving too many people the thumbs up.")

Random wondering:  Have you ever seen an ad for some instant messenger service?  Do they really think that we have screennames like (and I actually read these, I'm not making them up) geekazoid101, llamalover867, bighairgurl84, and mustacheman72.  Am I just perverted or does that sound like screenames for the worst sex chat room ever made!?  And just to tie everything together, hey mustacheman72... is that you Geraldo?

Random blog whoring:  Well I know I'm not the only one who's got a blog something like this... and to prove it check out Ferdinand the Bull's latest blog.  Also this is my final plea for people to vote for me in http://www.mysimplemind.com/'s rankings.  If you don't vote for me, I'll understand but at least go there and vote for and check out your other favorite bloggers.  Who knows you may even find a new blogging love.  Oh, and those of you who do vote for me let me know and I'll give you a cookie.

Random subscription banner segue:  Its probably mean of me to make fun of Geraldo... after isn't it enough that he has to walk around looking like this!?

8:18 AM - 38 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

Cool....

Unless you've been hiding underneath an air conditioned rock (or I suppose if you live outside of the US, but as an arrogant American I'm going to naturally assume that no one lives outside of the US.  We ARE the entire world, right?) you've probably heard about the heat wave that has hit the country.  (And actually, I do know its hit Europe too, but see above statement relating to American arrogance.)  Hell, news agencies being as dramatic as they are, I tried to keep track of how long it would take them to exaggerate the heat all the way up to 110 F.  After a scant 12 hours of heat, I heard a radio station mentioning that with the head index it would be 110 degrees over here near DC.  A heat index is how hot it feels when you combine humidity, wind chill, and how many of those cinnamon gum wrappers you've stuck to your head right?  (Don't tell me I was the only one stupid enough to stick cinnamon wrappers on my head for an entire class in high school.  First of all its not stupid if its a dare, and second of all I know there were at least 3 people in my class that did it with me.  Haha, I just said did it with me.)  So how can you measure that?  I mean, wouldn't it be enough to say that its as hot as a Paris Hilton kicking contest?  ("That's hot!  OW!  That's hot!  OW!"  Ok, so the analogy sucks, so what?  I'm in a Paris Hilton kicking mood and this is the best I can do.)  How much difference IS there between it feeling 100 degrees vs. 110?

But as usual this is absolutely no where near my point.  My point was to demonstrate what a weirdo I am.  For instance, while I was walking around in this heat wave, I got to thinking about how being cool.  Now I know, youre thinking thats not so weird, Im walking around all hot trying to get cool.  But that would make far too much sense for my random brain, I ended up thinking about just what makes someone cool.  Like Fonzy cool not a naked Eskimo in a Siberian winter cool. 

Just what makes someone cool, anyways?  Who gets to decide this?  Is it the same company who designates which old people should go be naked in which locker room? 

I was never one of the 'cool kids' growing up.  Hell I didn't even find out what the word 'cool' meant until about 4th grade.  I remember the day too, I got in the car after school and made sure to use that word in front of my mom.  In retrospect, she must have been patronizing me when she asked what 'cool' meant, but I gave her the standard mix of youthful enthusiasm and fake suprise that she didn't know what it means...even tho mere hours ago I didn't either.  After all, if you didn't know what 'cool' was then you definitely couldn't BE cool.

To be fair, I don't think I was ever really even given a fair chance to try and be cool.  I was a smart scrawny little geek who had been taught that reading and math was fun, Star Trek was a cool show that every kid watched, and that the Country music my parents listened to was actually "rock and roll."  My parents still laugh when they remember me with a bunch of kids I'd never hang out with again, asking if they wanted to listen to rock and roll, and blaring some Garth Brooks.

Like most kids in my position, I wanted to be cool all the while saying I didn't really care what people thought of me.  Some strange ideas came to me as far as what would make me cool (altho to be fair it was the late 80s and early 90s at this point.  Has anyone else gone back and seen just what was considered cool then?  Can you blame me for being confused?)  I remember one time, I thought if I had the right walk and attitude I'd be considered cool.  Not too bad an idea, right?  Well... it is if you think the way to act cool is walking with a limp and pretending to chew gum.  Here's a hint: if someone who works at CVS asks if you need a perscription for anything because it looks like you've been injured, its probably not a good way to act cool.  (Altho Nelly tried to prove me wrong a while ago after he cut himself shaving and made a band-aid on the cheek popular for a while.)

But that parenthetical (I don't know if that word means what it sounds like, but damn if I don't find myself awesome for using it) statement brings up the point I made earlier: just who does decide what is cool?  It seems to me that in the celebrity ruled world that we live in today, that is who kids idolize.  Sure, kids want to be vetrinarians, astronauts, and cavemen (hey like I said I was a dork, but how awesome would it be to club a dinosaur with a giant stick!?  I know some people have told me that dinos and men didn't live at the same time... well I'll take the history according to the Flintstones, thank you very much!) but with celebrities its another thing entirely.  I mean, unless you have a very cool uncle or aunt that you know, you very rarely have a specific person you can idolize.  You'll hear kids say "I want to be just like Cal Ripkin when I grow up!" or "I want to be just like Russell Crowe when I grow up!"  (well here's a cell phone, practice your throwing enough and you too can hit someone in the face with it!)  You won't often hear someone say "I want to be just like Myrtle the vet!  Or Ogg the caveman!"

Of course, I don't know what kind of solution I can offer for this problem.  All I know is that if I ever became a celebrity I'd try to shake things up a bit.  I'd act like biycyles are the cool thing, screw these fancy sports cars!  You think slutty outfits and sex are cool?  I'd try and make shrouds the new cool thing.  Hey, guys are going to wonder what you look like underneath the clothes anyways, why not make EVERYTHING a mystery, even the face?  Screw american idol, the new hip show would involve voting the most annoying people to become astronauts.  Sure, they would be underqualified and probably die... that's why you send the ones up that you won't miss!  Who would be the cool people I'd hang out with?  Why Myrtle and Ogg!

So I never did quite figure out how to become cool, and after a blog like this it sounds like I'll never become one of those hip cool rock stars.  But on the plus side... you know you're going to tell your kids one day about Ogg the caveman!

Random wondering:  Just what the hell is passion fruit anyways?  Is it one of those fruits that's fermented just enough to take off its shirt and run around screaming at people?  You think other fruits ask their significant other why they can't learn a thing or two from the passion fruit?  Altho I suppose I would much rather have that in a smoothie then lackasdaisical fruit.

Random blog whoring: I'm going to do something a little different and whore out my own blogs today.  As I mentioned in another blog, mysimplemind.com is having a voter controlled myspace blogger ranking.  If you go to that website and click on 'rankings' it'll ask you to sign up.  And since I'm feeling like one of those infomercial guys let me say in their style.  You can sign up with 4 very easy payments of $0.00 (it doesn't get much easier then that!)  But wait, that's not all.  If you register and vote for me, I will throw in at no additional charge, a free subscription to my free blog!  Heh, so please go there and vote for me and your other favorite bloggers and satiate my competative nature!  Don't lose the password because I'll probably ask you to go back in a month and do it again!  If you're worried about losing it just email it to me and give me the power to abuse your profile!  MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Random subscription segue:  Ok NOW I understand why they think sports stars are so cool...

7:13 AM - 48 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

Blog tag (yes this one IS actually written by me instead of a crappy virus)

First off, let me just say once again that computers truly do hate me.  As those of you who noticed my stream of posts today have figured out, I was virused today.  I think somebody's myspace blog redirected me to someone else's website, and while there I saw a sound clip and some blue glowing button.  Now, since I'm at work I couldn't listen to the sound clip but obviously I had no choice but to click on the button.  I mean it was shining and flashy and everything!  Imagine my suprise when I came back to my myspace page to find I had a new comment... on a blog I didn't even write.  So I submit that whoever invented the computer virus should be beaten to death with very very blunt objects.  Preferably dirty blunt objects... ok I'm calm I swear... 

Anyways, the original thing I was planning on blogging about today is much less exciting... quite simply I was tagged.  I hate doing these, but I suppose it couldn't be avoided forever so here are my 6 random facts about random ol me.

1.  First of all, most of my friends find this strange: I have never bought a CD.  Not a single one.  When I was a little kid I wanted the latest Nirvanna cd, but my parents wouldn't let me buy it (and since they controlled my income they won) so I decided fuck it if they won't let me have it then I just won't want to buy any more CDs.  I was completely CDless until the magic that is itunes.  Hey, why shell out $15 for a cd that only has one track you're going to like when instead you could borrow it from a friend who did spend that money and rip it off the cd?

2.  I am definitely more of a dog person then a cat person, but my old dog was definitely a scardy cat.  She was definitely a guard dog: whenever there was any trouble, she'd be right behind you guarding your rear.  Even more then that, I swear she purred when you pet her.  Ok, maybe this isn't something weird about me specifically, but isn't that crazy?

3.  I was a straight laced kid.  I decided I wasn't going to drink or smoke or do any kind of drugs for the rest of my life.  It was so bad I even refused to take painkillers, because I knew they could be abused.  When I was 16 I got drunk for the first time, and when I was 20 I smoked weed for the first time, and now the only one that remains is my now illogical desire to not take any pain medication (well ok plus I don't smoke cigarettes, but that's partly because they're so damn expensive!  Well, and bad for you I spose...)

4.  Half my family are wannabe rednecks.  They want to be rednecks, but they're engineers and realtors and other semi-prestigious jobs.  I keep trying to tell them that it doesn't work that way but they don't listen.  However, that is probably where I get my high alcohol tolerance from.  The first time I got drunk I was 16, and my parents gave me the booze, while they were drunk.  The first time I took a shot my family surrounded me cheering "go go go!" The first time I ever saw beer pong, I was the DD for my parents when they were playing.

5.  I don't know how I survived my childhood.  I did some dumb stuff, like hooking up a wagon to a bike and having friends ride in the back as we made our own 'roller coaster.'  One time I was playing on the railroad tracks with some friends when a train came.  My friends were smart and slid on their asses down the rocky slope, but I was an idiot and ran back along the railroad tracks towards the road.  My friend's said the train was literally right behind me when i jumped from the tracks to the road.  How many of you can say you've outran a train, huh?  :)

6.  I am a very stubborn and competative person.  I try to see every arguement from every point of view... if its important.  But for several stupid things I simply refuse to be wrong.  I have had an arguement going for about 3 or 4 years about whether or not you can have half a bite.  I say that bite you have is by definition a bite no matter how big or small.  You can't have half of one! 

Sorry about the brevity of today's post, but most of my energy has already been spent fighting off blog viruses today.  Once again, I hope no one else has been infected and anyone who has info on whoever designed that thing let me know and I'll go over there and kick the designer in the nuts.  Even if its a woman I'll tape some walnuts over her ovaries and KICK!  That'll teach him or her!!!!!!

Random wondering:  And what is up with those blog parties?  Can you imagine going to an actual party and being greeted at the door: "Welcome!  I have 10 bedrooms, a pool, a pool parlor, a hot tub.  Drink, smoke, have sex whatever!"  Then for the rest of the party no matter what room you're in there are people just going at it in front of you, and talking while they do it.  "Hi Bob how are you?"  *unzips pants and makes humping motion towards the TV*  "Great how are you?"  *Does triple backwards summersault while wearing a dildo strapped to his head*  What a weird and crazy party that would be.

Random blog whoring: I like JLS' outlook on life: What Is Being Left Behind?

Random subscription banner segue: Ok so I hate blog tag.... but there are much worse kinds of tag.....

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8:53 AM - 50 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

My Racist Rant

In case you've somehow not noticed, I enjoy putting a humorous spin on life.  Its my motto that if you can't see the humor in all the rediculous and sometimes horrible things that go on in life, then your life is going to be alot longer and more stressful then necessary.  However, just because we laugh at it doesn't mean we shouldn't think about just how serious it is.

Btw, forgive me if I seem preachy today I'm just in more of a ranting mood then usual.  You see, I was reading the daily free paper I get while riding the subway, and there was an article about the difficulties a black lawyer had... just because he was black.   This article made me mildly sick, or maybe that's just a side effect of me actually trying to think.

In 1777 Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery.  One of my consistant worries has always been just what role environment plays in my opinions.  I have been fortunate to live a life without racial influences.  My neighborhood consisted of blacks behind me, hispanics next to them, an asian family across the street, and an indian family next to me.  While I took a brief break from public schools to go to a catholic middle school (my mother asked me if I was a racist when I went to private middle school, I informed her that I was friends with the entire black population in my school and that both of them were very cool guys.), by elementary school and high schools had every race pretty well represented.  So I have always been of the opinion that racism is Wrong with a capital W.  I have worried that if I was raised as a plantation owner in the 1700s I would feel differently, yet even back then some people must have thought it wrong or a state wouldn't have declared it illegal at its first opportunity.

And yet, that's 229 years since that day, racism has not dissapeared.  Almost 141 and a 1/2 years since Lincoln freed the slaves.  And almost 43 years since Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream Speech."  And yet only 2 weeks ago one of my black friends was called a niggar in a store.  Granted, the man who called him this was crazy and homeless...but if only that was the only form of racism left.

We have indeed made great strides, and I am proud what we have done as a nation.  But 2006, like Dr. King said in his speech of 1963, is still just the beginning.  Black people are freer from police brutality, are more free to rest their "bodies, heavy from fatigue..." in hotels, no longer need to look for a "black only" water fountain. 

However, we all know that black's aren't the only ones that need to worry.  What ever goal Al-Qaeda had with its terrorism on 9/11, it certainly resulted in alot of Muslims being predjuduced against(almost all of which were American citizens and certainly most of which had been here all of their lives.)  So while I'm using blacks as an example, I'm also refering to the browns, whites, reds, greens (that's a white who's had something really bad to eat), and purples (that's any color who's held their breath too long).

But what are we to do?  I know that my reader's are the intelligent type who doesn't judge a person on their skin too much.  But I know I still do a little bit, I can't help it.  In my job I'm surrounded by engineers, people whom have jobs to find solutions, who's mindset is that every problem has a solution.  What solution is there for racism?  We could stop teaching history, try to completely forget the atrocities that have occured simply because of someone's race or religion.  But if we do that how do we know we won't wind up doing it again?  Plus, that would mean everyone losing their heritage: a solution possibly even worse then the problem.

In the mean time, there is always my partial solution for everything: humor.  We can try to laugh off the pain.What do you call a black person who flies a plane?  You call them a pilot you fucking racist!  Haha.  But laughing about it may make it more bearable, but its definitely not a solution.

The only possible solution I can think of comes right out of the movie Bullworth.  A progressive act of racial deconstruction through intergender relations.  In other words, everybody fucking each other until everyone is the same color.  Yet even then, I worry about the nature of humanity.  In 500 years, if everyone was the same color would we enslave and call inhuman blondes just because they have different hair color? 

But this is something that I could rant about for hours and not get any where, so I'll close this blog with a story.  This actually happened, one day in high school I was talking to this teacher about racism and she told me about her early days as a black teacher.  I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but she didn't look that old and I don't think its as long ago as I would like it to have been.

On her first day teaching a class, the teacher walked in to the classroom to find all over the blackboard the word "NIGGER" in big letters written over and over again.  Unperturbed, the teacher erased the blackboard and went on with her lesson.  The next day it happened again, all over the blackboard and this time all over the white board too.  She erased all of it and taught without mentioning it.  The third day it happened again, all over the black board in white chalk the words "NIGGER" over and over again, and all over the white board in black marker the words "NIGGER" over and over again.  The teacher waited until all the students filed in, and looked them over without erasing it.  "I'm glad to say I agree with whoever wrote all this."  The class looked at her speechless, after a moment she continued.  "Niggers can be black or white."

That was the last day she found anything on any of the boards before she came in.

Random wondering: I'm almost tempted not to do my usual ending for this blog, but as I've said I always encourage laughter to go along with serious blogs.  So my random wondering today is, who the hell came up with the idea of combining a backscratcher with a shoehorn?  I'm serious my mom has one, backscratcher on one side shoehorn on the other.  Are there alot of people who are impaired at putting on shoes and have itchy backs?

Random blog whoring: Well I have to say I enjoy the Underblog's goal of supporting bloggers, so I'm pretty much going to be permanently whoring it's blogs. Also, I think that jdmarko has a blog that should be able to pick you up if mine got you down.

Random subscription banner segue:  Well lets see can I do something that shows the significant racial issues facing the world in general and America specifically, yet still somehow amuse and entertain?  I don't know but click on this funny pic to subscribe:

8:15 AM - 66 Comments - 51 Kudos - Add Comment

What the future may hold....

As a kid I always wanted to have a time machine.  Ok, I won't lie, I still want a time machine.  Who wouldn't?  Who hasn't thought of going back in time and investing in Microsoft, or Coca-cola, or Enron (oh wait, did I read something that would make investing in Enron a bad idea?  Nope, almost remembered something there)?  Who wouldn't want to go back and kick Hitler in the nuts?  Or set other bushes on fire just to screw with Moses?  Or hit Napoleaon in the face with one of the dishes that is named after him?  Or simply just make time slow down sometimes so you could take an 8 hour nap in 20 minutes?  Or be able to speed through a fight? 

Well I haven't found out how to do most of that stuff, but I have found out how to make time go slower.  Its really easy, all you need to do is get really bored.  I always thought that it was just in your head, but I swear my watch was going backwards when I was bored earlier.  But while I was sitting bored on the train (that I swear was going so slowly that snails were yelling at us to get out of the way) I thought about time.  And, speaking of seemingly random subject changes...

I want to confess a fear of mine to you.  First of all, I have a bunch of fears.  I think of a phobia is a fear that is unreasonable... well I don't think any of my fears are unreasonable.  Sure, when standing 10 feet behind a 3rd story window I shouldn't be scared... but if the floor suddenly buckled and I flew out that window and broke my neck my fear would prove to be justified wouldn't it?  So other then heights, my fears would be bugs (not as much as heights, but they're not fun to see) and getting old.  Ah, see it wasn't COMPLETLY random, aging is kind of relative to the time machine topic.

I'm not talking about my next birthday, I'm not frightened of that.  Sure, I have a small fear of not accomplishing the goals that society has shoved down my throat and I've embraced: marriage, becoming rich, children, etc.  I'm not scared of turning 30, or even 40.  Hell, I don't even think that 60 is old.  70... well thats pushing it.  But what I am scared of is those final years.  You know, when you have the threat of not remembering who your children are, you might lose control of your bowels, the stuff that keeps you from even having the basic ability for dignity.  It scares the hell out of me.

However, one of the great things about being me, is I have an ability to look on the bright side of everything.  Its true, no matter how young I am at heart, I will get older.  But why fight it?  Once again, its my comedic side to the rescue as I let you all know some of the things I'm looking forward to about being ancient:

First of all, it seems that one of the benifits of being old is no longer worrying about your body.  I suppose it makes sense if you think about it.  When you're ancient you can't have children, one of the reasons you worry about your body is so you can attract a mate, if you don't need to worry about one you don't need to worry about another.  Right now, I'm still lucky enough to have a metabolism that means I can pretty much eat anything, but when I get old I'll definitely be able to eat anything.  Ice cream for every meal anyone?  How sweet would that be?  (haha, get it sweet?  I'm sorry, I'll work on stopping myself from using puns... I swear!)

And even farther then that, they have no worries about who sees their bodies either?  I'm sure you've been in a locker room where there has been gratuitous old person nudity.  Its in every single locker room in the country.  If you were to go to a locker room in a city where there was only 2 old people, those old people would spend every waking moment in locker rooms naked.  I'm sure somewhere there's an old person disbatch center where they are constantly monitoring locker rooms.  "Room number 743 has no representatives in it!  Code 6, repeat we have a non-nude locker room in sector 43!  Code 6!"  Honestly, I'm looking forward to being one of these people.  Its my payback for all the awkward conversations I've had to have while trying not to noticed the excess of liver spotted saggy skin out of the corner of my eye. 

And of course, how could I not talk about the driving?  There are 2 types of old people driving: the really recklessly fast and the really rediculously slow.  I'm going to switch it up and try to do both.  Oh and when you hit the age of about 80 or so, the rules switch on you.  Its no longer fast traffic to the left, and slower to the right.  No, the only way you're allowed to drive in the left hand lane is at least 10 under the speed limit.  I'm going to be ambitious I'm going for 20 under.  And I'll take out my hearing aids so its not like I'll be able to hear people curse at me as they fly past.  But if I'm feeling fast, I'll go in the right hand lane and at least 20 over.  Oh and also, I'll have to make sure to have my turn signal on the entire time, or I'll have my membership in NOPILR (Nude Old People In Locker Rooms) revoked.

Well those are just a couple things that I look forward to... and those of you who hit that age of ancientdom before me... enjoy! 

Random wondering: Just where IS Carmen Sandiego?  What did she do that waranted everyone looking after her anyways?  I remember it was based towards kids... so it couldn't have been that major.  Maybe she should team up with the hamburgler and become a criminal mastermind...

Random blog whoring: I have to link to John's blog from yesterday: More Senior Funnies its just too relevant to my blog today to ignore.

Random banner segue: Oh yeah, one more thing I'll enjoy about being old... misinterpreting what people say: