Here are some things I’m good at:

Not much.

HA!

1:53 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Unsolicited poem from guy on a stoop with a typewriter

Seemed to think I needed this:

"i am not sure what sad
is and thats spinning in
record players set up and
down but not out and cliche
can sometimes be comforting
as a hug is and repeating can
make feeling better a gain
and maybe the problem of other
people is solved by not being
a different person than they
are the same as maybe aging
isnt easier but necessary
and better shielded from
being sad about boys
being annoying but
kinda cute too"

He wrote it while I smoked. Maybe it was the way I exhaled toxins...

?

9:13 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Poem fragments

Identify them and win a prize!

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

We gaze into the night
as if remembering the bright unbroken planet
we once came from,
to which we will never
be permitted to return.
We are amazed how hurt we are.
We would give anything for what we have.

You there, I think I know you

or did once or someone who answered

to your name. We were inseparable

like two sides of a page on which was written

an argument against dust,

how everything becomes it.

12:10 AM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Louise Gluck, I owe you one for this...

because it's okay to be irritated, sullen and bitter some of the time, as long as you can write something like this to excuse yourself:

"I like watching you garden
with your back to me in your purple bathing suit:
your back is my favorite part of you,
the part furthest from your mouth.

You might give some thought to that mouth.
Also to the way you weed, breaking
the grass off at ground level
when you should pull it up by the roots.

How many times do I have to tell you
how the grass spreads, your little
pile notwithstanding, in a dark mass which
by smoothing over the surface you have finally
fully obscured? Watching you

stare into space in the tidy
rows of the vegetable garden, ostensibly
working hard while actually
doing the worst job possible, I think

you are a small irritating purple thing
and I would like to see you walk off the face of the earth
because you are all that's wrong with my life
and I need you and I claim you."

1:51 AM - 8 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Remember this...

...when things seem too easy. Note to self:

It's always work. And the work is never over. When the kitchen closes, the dishes are stacked up in back.

I'm not sure when to stop being vigilant and just start relaxing. I would like to feel a little less responsible for a while. Can we all just take a smoke break and sit on the counter before we start scraping off the leftovers and scalding our hands? Let me just catch my breath.

Happy New Year.

12:00 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Great! I owe $854!!

I don't understand money. Or insurance policies. Or why "automatic withdrawal" seems to mean something different to Blue Cross than it does to me and the F*CKING BANK.

I hate.

12:04 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hormones: 28-day-cycle-style!

I recant the utterly pathetic endorsements of self-defeat all over that last blog, because yesterday I got my period and realized the world isn't actually ending--I just have been buzzing with the overflow of estrogen.

Did I mention that I am actually very happy? Like, sort of ridiculously so, in many ways?

Here's something I decided last night: I can relax. Things are going swimmingly; I am in love, I have friends, I'm feeling creative for the first time in years, and willing to pick my ass up and do something with it for a change. There is no necessity for the fretful, mopy behavior that was my touchstone for so long. All the reasons for it have virtually evaporated and now I'm left with this cleared-out, sparkling clean area of headspace to furnish with new concepts of identity. F-ing brilliant!

Blogging is really retarded, I agree. And I don't actually think anyone is reading this and feeling as elated as I do for my sudden emotional overhaul, but, since that last post was just SO "poor me," I thought I'd briefly share. Enough outta me.

10:59 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Never quite there

While my sensitivity skyrockets, my level of tolerance for simple human interaction is diminishing at an alarming rate. I want to condone every conversation that happens outside of me, control all the content, and decide who feels what. I want to own the players and work them like dolls, bending the arms and legs and speaking both the voices.

 I am never going to get past this feeling of Not Good Enough. Of Not As Good As. Or Bypassed, Ignored and Forgotten.

I am so royally fucked.

Currently listening : Serene Velocity: A Stereolab Anthology By Stereolab Release date: 29 August, 2006

1:13 PM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Envoy

One day in that room, a small rat.

Two days later, a snake.

Who, seeing me enter,

whipped the long stripe of his

body under the bed,

then curled like a docile house-pet.

I don't know how either came or left.

Later, the flashlight found nothing.

For a year I watched

as something--terror? happiness? grief?--

entered and then left my body.

Not knowing how it came in,

Not knowing how it went out.

It hung where words could not reach it.

It slept where light could not go.

Its scent was neither snake nor rat,

neither sensualist nor ascetic.

There are openings in our lives

of which we know nothing.

Through them

the belled herds travel at will,

long-legged and thirsty, covered with foreign dust.

Jane Hirshfield

7:45 PM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Dead, I said with a dry throat and spat

I don't fucking believe it. This is an actual Viagra email sent to my friend, which I begged her to forward to me. Does it get any better than this?:

Hi
look
scratched inside my forehead in letters of fire. The computer had a
up to the courts to decide. But he made me do all those things, she
my leg. I was sleeping, I didnt hear him open the window, she said.
thy charge, Brakenbury, and will obey. Glo. We are the queens
of a successful but still young and not too professional operator. All
hammered on the stained wooden door in the least-wholesome section of


me up and down. A decision finally struggled up through his
motorized lie detector onto him and began snapping the questions. Even
different blueprints and explained the possibilities he understood. If
filled the time until Cittanuvo blinked into the bow screen. One of my
and pay my debt to society and such. I could still hear his voice
Bentits all over, she said in a calm voice. I did, but only after
with my left hand, I threw a larger bomb through the connecting window
thing.Lots of power leads It was a battleship all right, no doubt of
down,thensmoked a cigar while my bag cleared customs. My locked brief
the entire town sealed and were tearing it apart building by building
around loose. I ignored the small stuff and went to the source, the
road. Oh, very impressive. I had to stifle a grin behind my cigarette
them are thine. And if thy poor devoted servant may But beg one
station alarm over my bunk. Ill saythis,the Navy boys know their
foreign woman you have been guarding theCount said, turning sideways
she truly cares about me as a person as well. Many times when we meet,
learned from Angelina. When you have a plan put it into action
toward the air lock. This is a different bomb now, I said, keeping one
all fools and if you were in charge things would be different, and why
he wasnt moaning about the absence of spirituous beverages or nubile
that moment my mind began ticking over plans for making the most of the
Sit down and put that cannon away. If I wanted to kill you, I could
duty. Some of these higher M types take their job very seriously. I had
was optimistic; at least he was making the rounds and keeping an eye on
long before any of them had made their minds up as to just what was
of the idea. Any man that says he thinks better drunk than sober is a
technicians, I cleared the ship. There was a tape in the automatic
going after the other kind of criminal who is sick, not just socially
make-up and appearance-alteration machinery begged to be used, and of
there would be no chance of her contacting me. That was why I was
cinder under the heat of three thermite bombs, I particularly enjoyed
the thing. Well it was a beautiful bug, I cant deny that. However it
action, sir? Is that why you sent for me? I asked. Sit down, sit down,
might be of some importance. I slipped this into an outer pocket,
That had caused Angelinas mistake, her only one. The boom of the gun in
of course. I was all flashing eye and hell- cracking attention. Is it
action as always.Bent.It will be as you say. We shook hands then and it
worked or if there is a weak link in the chain of logic. Should I crack
cherry lip, a bonny eye, a passing pleasing tongue; And that the
to it that law and order were firmly instituted. Nevertheless the
even the score a little.In the future though.Right now I had to see to
tags. During this process I took a right shoe from the corpse with the
of plays by Obie-winning performance artist Ping Chong. Recipient of the
thatwould have to be checked later. And once the program was underway,
only real problem as far as I was concerned was how one man could
thee, I lay it open to the deadly stroke, And humbly beg the death
professional call. To a person of my abilities tracking down a
in sight on top of the desk. I still had my gun, it was trained on him.
covered to make a break; in the store there would be other exits. It
drug and my tiny remaining shard of compassionate reserve didnt stand a
I put it out of my mind and worked on some tri- di chess problems. This
disconnect in a few moments.My picklocks opened the door and I gave it
the spirited interest of an old maid picking up a dead snake. The need
was nothing I couldnt do. Staying on the crest of this emotional wave,
blew off, all I felt was an intense sensation of relief. I might be
sheen of my bags, could mean only one thing. There was little that was
is the hardest job in the world to run and be quiet at the same time.
package of femininity. Of course this girl didnt resemble Angelina very
much. Yet I still had no doubt. The face was changed as was the color
of the report and his signature. I filled this with a very passable
Anne. Well, well, put up your sword. Glo. Say, then, my peace is
battleship. Since I was only chasing my tail with this line of thought,
Can you tell me your name now? I said through the haze I was rooted in.
Cittanuvo. And the more I knew the less I could understand their need
strong right arm with a heavy object clutched tightly in his hand. Or
ships equipment and put together a kit for future use. The elaborate
drinkst, revenge his death; Either heaven with lightning strike the
In among these exaggerated tales of violence lay the murky crime I was
warehouse that backed on the government warehouse. A simple hole in the
suddenly restored to life. I could think of a lot more pleasant ways of
when I thought about what was going to happen to those elaborate
butcheries. O! gentlemen; see, see! dead Henrys wounds Open
arm hung. I had broken a bone when I hityet he had never made a sound.
chicanery and falsehood.It could only have been conceived by a mind as
sideways. The gun boomed but the bullet plowed into the ceiling.
the sort, my boy, he said, settling back to sip his second drink. You
room for the brutes needed. This superstructureobviously just tacked
He that bereft thee, lady, of thy husband, Did it to help thee to a
in their otherwise dull lives. Chapter 2 It was a nice ride to the
sud to friend, nor enemy; My tongue could never learn sweet
like wine in my nostrils. I relaxed and savored every last drop of
from now you, I and every person now living in the galaxy will be dead.
her, all the world to nothing! Ha! Hath she forgot already that
Cursing, I reached to pick the damn thing offand laughed instead. It
and wheeled it inside. As it went by the doctor he slipped some papers
met were dull to the point of extinction. They treated me like just
and was aimed at me. I want you to come in with me on this thing, she
gloomy a voice as I could muster. Ferraros tanned face went a dirty
so slight when I picked him to head this revolt. Im afraid his
locals build the things for themselves. If they didnt like the final
hand of galactic civilization still hadnt throttled Freibur completely.
ruining my battleship operation. Still she didnt fire, but her grin
my long-awaited assignment. But translated into simple terms my orders
was going to say before he uttered a syllable. James Bolivar I arrest
Kings glass. Save it! Save it! I cried, A valuable specimen! I plunged
theater's leading artist, addressing the functions of patronage for
and disgorged them onto the table. Going through them carefully, I was
mainstream of galactic culture for maybe a thousand years, until
here. The rest are all locals with itchy trigger fingers. It wasnt very
awareness of what had happened. Dead, I said with a dry throat, and spat

8:32 PM - 7 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment