dick jokes and gas prices

Dick Jokes and gas money.

They say that 90% of success is showing up. And when you're a comic, that means a lot of driving. A LOT of driving.

When I look back at my early days there was a lot of driving. Thank you David Tribble. Back then I didn't mind at all, for a couple of reasons. I was working my act, honing my skills and also, gas wasn't that bad. I could actually make some money while doing what I love doing.

Then I moved to LA, knowing there was hardly any money to earn in this city. Again, I was fine with this. Lots of rooms to do comedy, networking, and like before, gas wasn't that bad.

Welcome to present day. A couple of quick words on the present gas situation: Holy fucking shit. Seriously?

(On a side note I'd like to say I find it funny that people that voted for Bush/Chenney are amazed that gas prices are so high. Really? You didn't see this coming like a bad episode of 'Saved by the bell'? Two millionaires who made their entire fortune from oil and gas start running the country and you didn't think Oil prices would go up? Hey, we elected the Hells angels to run homeland security and I can't believe all these drunken brawls keep breaking out? ... dumb asses)

So here we are, gas prices are at four dollars a gallon at a nation wide level. Worse here in LA. When I moved to LA I had no problem driving to hell and back to do crazy coffee shop gigs or rehab rooms or whatever, because I could fill my tank for 15$. I loved driving up to the Hollywood Improv, drink a couple of beers (thanks Eddie) and schmoozing with the gang. But, when it takes 40$ bucks just to get into town?
When I got to spend 20 bucks just to drive down to Huntington beach to get ignored by drunk tourists.

I'm not too proud to say this, I'm fucking broke people with no end in sight. Some times people will offer me a spot somewhere and I have to think, 'If I do this gig I'll have to put some gas in the tank. Can I fill the tank or should I fill my fridge? Everything, EVERYTHING is going up in price.

I'm stuck. I'm pissed and I'm curious.

How is this effecting you? Or is it at all? Have you stopped doing certain gigs? Are you taking other gigs you normally wouldn't do?
Do you have a trick you want to share?
Let's open this up.....

9:36 AM - 11 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Fridge-raiser!
Current mood: drunk

As many of you may know I am an avid home brewer. Are all my batches perfect? No, but I keep on trying.

Last year I got an older fridge and quickly turned into a double tap kegerator. It was a good fridge and it served me well. As well as many friends, neighbors and family. The joy of pouring a fresh beer you made yourself in your own living room is an amzing experience.

Soon after my family had to movie to a different apartment with a tiny kitchen, so we had to move the giant fridge into the living room.

The old girl was up and running for a while, zapping my energy bill and obstructing my living room walk way.
I could live with all this, until, Christmas time.

Due to the small apartments poorly planned layout there was no place to put my family's Christmas tree.
I have two daughters and there is no way I could rob them of a Christmas tree because I had 10 gallons of homemade beer in the living room. No matter how tasty it was and how drunk I got.

With a tear in my eye and the last poured beer I got rid of the large,old, energy draining, fridge.

I have but two skills in the life of mine: Comedy and beer brewing. I will attempt to have one feed the other. I will do comedy to get more beer. Then drink the beer and write more jokes.

This brings us to the Fridge-raiser.
I'm going to attempt to raise enough money to get a small more energy efficent kegerator so I can keep pouring the fresh beers for my friends and family.


Unlike other fundraisers you've participated in we are not saying that "some" of the proceeds will go to the Children. NONE of the proceeds will go the Children. Just to the alcoholic friends of the alcoholic Dean Evans

On Feb. 21st there will a comedy show of mamoth perportions! The greatest line up of comics ever for a kegerator!

Soon, as soon as I get that stupid paypal thing working, I will also be selling my CD's online. All proceeds, 100% will go towards the building of the new Evans kegerator.

You can help. YOU can make a difference! Wont you please NOT help the Children and help those who never get help, Alcoholics.
I served many of you beers over the years and NEVER asked for anything in return, until now, please help put draft beer back in my apartment!

fridge-raiser  Pronunciation Key (frij reyzer) Noun.
a gathering held for the raising of money for the purchase of a new fridge.

beer      [beer] Pronunciation Key - –noun
an alcoholic beverage made by brewing and fermentation from cereals, usually malted barley, and flavored with hops and the like for a slightly bitter taste.

9:52 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

the night I wanted to punch another comic in the face

A couple of weeks ago I won a comedy competition at 'Scoreboards' in Pamona. Part of winning I was told I could come back and headline. I'm doing headlining up in Seattle in a couple of weeks so I asked Rich if he had any room for me. He said he had Thai rivera headlining but I could come in and do a longer set.

I go into the room which is kind of long and behind the stage is the DJ booth and the bar that's playing the Ducks game (so guess where Dean is!) I stand behind the stage with Naro drinking my giant new castle beer.

Rich calls all the comics over for a meeting and shows the line up. He says "This is Dean, the winner of our competition a couple of weeks ago, so he can go up whenever her wants and he'll do doing a longer set." Later in the night after a couple of comics I approach Rich and ask him if he's serious.
I say, "Why don't you just throw me up when I'm needed the most. When the crowd needs an extra punch in the arm." I'm not being cocky, I just like to help the show out. I know what I'm doing, I'm a pro, put me up when I'm needed. Well, that was next.

So I get up to do my longer Rich approved set. It was a little rough. 15 people, mostly comics, but I slug through it. I ask about the light and Rich gives it to me (If you know me I have NO concept of time up on stage) I close and walk off stage.

Then they bring up Thai Rivera.

His opening statement is about shitty comics who go long. "Just because you didn't get the light doesn't mean you should go on with your bullshit act that sucks. If you get offended by that FUCK YOU. I don't care, you suck. And you know you suck"
He then went on for another five minutes about how there was too many comics before him and that's HE's the headliner and everyone else sucked. He bashed on comics that were there and even took some shots at Bill Word. Who wasn't even in the room!
(This is the best part) Then he proclaims:
I've been doing comedy for FIVE YEARS and I'm a professional. I'm your headliner and people came to see me! So all these other comics before me should shut the fuck up and let me do my time!
(Did I mention 15 people and most were comics?)

WOW, Five years? No shit! Please tell how you've hung on this long? You wise old master of the talking arts.
He then moved into a story about how Naro was a little bitch and they used to be friends, but no more.

And this was it folks. This five year pro standing on stage and bitching about the show, the people, the booker and the other comics before him. THAT'S it

His closing "joke" (The first real "joke" he tried to tell after he got up and told us WE all sucked and HE'D been doing comedy for a whole five years!)
His joke was about how people with shitty lives take it out on him, like waitresses.
Wow, that's some cutting edge shit there, Mr. FIVE YEAR Pro.
People with horrible lives taking it out on other people? Like your act?

So he leaves the stage and Naro gets on to tell his side of the story. Which he has a hard time doing because Thai Rivera is yelling at him from the side of the stage. Naro never interrupted him. I yelled a couple of times for Thai to shut the fuck up, but Naro handled it.

On stage Naro said, "And if you're talking about Dean going long, well he was told to do a longer set and he's twenty times funnier then you, Mother Fucker!"

I start to leave. I run into some other comics that told me I shouldn't have been so funny in front of Thia and that I hurt his feelings (They were joking) I'm about to leave when I see Naro and Thai talking outside. I pass Naro and tell him good job.

And then I snapped.

I turned around and asked "We"re you talking about me going long? Because I was told to

Thai spits back "If it hurts your feelings it's because you're a shitty comic then whatever. I was just telling the truth."

Dean snaps part two. I start moving towards him. "This isn't about you mother fucker! You just took a shit on that stage. You pissed on every comic before you and every comic after, you piece of shit!"

Thai "That's me! You ask anyone that knows me this is how I am"

Dean "Oh, so you're bragging that you're a piece of shit?"

Thai "I don't have to pretend about who I am"

At this point Dean shook his head and started to walk away. "I know who I am and people like me. Naro, do me a favor and beat this little bitch down" And I got into my car.

I wish he would have stepped up or tried anything. I sooooOOO wanted to punch him in his five year pro face.

I've done shows where they've put a million comics in front of me. I've had bad gigs, I mean, I've been doing longer then five years. But you know what I did?
I did the fucking show. I acted like a professional. I didn't get on stage and whine like a little bitch, insult the comics, get in a fight with another comic from stage and then blame everyone else. I did the best show that I could do for the people that came to see the show. For the comics after me that night and all the shows down the road. It isn't just about YOU and your self-centered ass

People that know me know this: I don't like confrontation and I don't get into fights.
I was there and I was ready. And if it happens again I'm going to walk on stage and go WWF on this fucking waste of stage time

8:02 AM - 27 Comments - 41 Kudos - Add Comment

the night I almost got beat up in Seal Beach

uestion is Hennessy's in Seal Beach, about 25 miles away, run by a very nice lady, Laura. I've done this gig once before that came with a disclaimer saying this show wasn't a walk in the park. If you're coming, be prepared to bring it.
I did well enough to be asked to come return.

The bar is on a corner lot. It's a long Irish bar with high ceilings. There's a patio in front and large windows along the parking lot side.
I walk in and the place is packed and it is LOUD. Dozens of drunken college students are stumbling around the place with UFC fighting on every TV screen. I go to the back of the room and start talking with a comic friend of mine.
The show gets rolling. Comic after comic has to talk very loudly over the roaring crowd. Not to say the dozen or so people up front weren't having a good time. Just the other crew ordering drinks and just hanging around were hurting the shows momentum.

The comic before me closed his set by hammering a nail in his nose. (And now that I think about it, the opening comic, from what I can best tell as I watched his set from the parking lot, was in fact, Ia Thalidomide baby.) If you dont know what it is, look it, I had too. So we had a real freak sideshow kind of vibe going on.

Anyway. So I get on stage and instantly comment on the man with the nail in his nose and move on with my act.

The front door of the bar is to my immediate left as I stand on a two foot tall six feet long plank of wood.

I go into a joke about how our country is trying to keep us in a state of fear. After 9/11, the big one, I saw these commercials with the spooky voice over it, "If you smoke marijuana, you support terrorism."

And I was like, wow, you must think we smoke good weed out here, because that is retarded. Who smokes al queda weed? I've never been to a party where some holds out a joint. "Dude, you want some hezbollah chronic? This is the shit the insurgents smoke. Two hits of this you'll blown your own car up."

As I'm telling this simple pot smoker joke I see this frat boy looking kid with a polo shirt and white baseball hat turned around, puffing out his chest and screaming at me. I don't pay attention to him because the joke is killing and he's a drunk ass frat boy with a polo shirt and his white baseball hat turned around, puffing out his chest and yelling at me.

After his buddy talks to him the dude moves down front and sits a couple of feet from my two foot tall rectangular stage.

So I go into my next bit which is, I love strip bars, but really BAD strip bars, because I love to see pregnant women in the work force.

This jock guy goes ballistic. "What the fuck? How can you stay that? That's fucked up! That's wrong." I'm look down at the guy as he's standing up.

"Dude, she doesn't exist. It's a make believe girl in silly ass joke."

"No man, that's not right. That's fucked up!" And he proceeds to jump towards this stage. And as this point, a couple of things happened.

As he rushed towards me I thought about the innocent beer in my hand and why did this foamy goodness have to go to waste when I throw this heavy glass and this retards screaming face.

Three dudes from around where he was sitting jump and grab the dumb ass in the polo shirt and his white baseball hat turned around.

He's screaming at me like I'm the doctor that sentenced him to a life time in the state asylum. OVER A PREGNANT STRIPPER JOKE!

Keep in mind that I did a Dick Chenney support group joke and the line, and I quote "I never met this Jesus guy, but he sounds like a dick." And this mother fucker didn't bat an eye. One joke about a knocked up table dancer and I'm a piece of shit.

And then I was upset that I didn't even really say anything to piss this guy off with. That if I'm going to have someone freak out and have to be dragged off stage and tasered in some back room somewhere I want it to be something of measure. Some joke about the occupation of Iraq or some take on abortion or jacking off on homeless people to, Jesus is a dick, but no. I get the outrage over a pregnant stripper.

The bouncers, friends and well wishers drag this guy to the patio where he starts tipping over tables and throwing chairs. This guy is going all Hulk-a-maniac a few feet from . I watch as they pull him to the street and hold him down.
At this point I look back at the crowd who are just stunned. (Almost as much as me, the guy who almost got beat up.)
This is when you realize. Oh shit, I have another twenty minutes to do in front of a freaked out crowd.
First things first: Order another beer. Then I start demanding more money. I bark that everyone there should give me an extra dollar for risking my life for the sake of entertainment.

I mentioned the door that the guy was dragged out of was right behind me, right? So for the next twenty minutes I had to do jokes that made me look over my left shoulder. At one point a guy who I dubbed Andy Cap. (For obvious reasons I wont go into) pointed behind me and yelled "There he is!" to which I jumped and turned around.

I made numerous references to the car I drove in. A blue saudi parked by the parking lot entrance which was actually the car furthest from mine as you could get.

I found out after the show that he was in the Navy and his buddies had to drag him back to the ship as he kept screaming "No, you guys are fucked up and don't get it!"

So that's my idea how to win in Iraq. Just tell all of hour armed services that the insurgency punches pregnant stripper and there will be peace in the middle east.

Needless to say at the end of the night, I pounded my last free beer and darted under the cover of night to my green honda that was parked at the lot's exit, and drove away with my doors locked.

I'd also like to add that the number one reason people were guessing I got beat up was because I was making fun of hunchbacks. Number 2; politcal jokes. You all lost. Sorry

3:42 PM - 13 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Smokey and the bandit drinking game

So this is a game my good friends Sid & Andrea help get going.
Here's what you need: Lots of booze and a copy of the 1977 CLASSIC
"Smokey and the bandit"

here's when to drink:

- Anytime Jackie Gleason says Sheriff Buford T. Justice

- Anytime Burt Reynolds Laughs (oh, you know the one!)

- When you hear the word "Smokey"

- When you heard "10-4"

- Take five drinks when you hear the word 'molasses'

if you got any more, please let me know
d-

3:14 PM - 3 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

reason for haircut

OK, so I guess its understandable to ask why I cut off my long ass heavy hair that Ive had for over five years. Ive explained it to a couple of people, but I thought Id just put it down here to explain it to anyone that really wanted to know.

1. Ive had the exact same hair style for 5 years. FIVE YEARS people, it gets kind of old after say, four years.

2. 2006 is going to be full of changes for me. Im moving to a new place soon, Im taking comedy in a different direction, some major changes in my personal life and some other business stuff that I dont want to jinx. So much change, might as well go all out!

3. Yes, I do kind of want to blend in. I dont always want to be blamed for the pot smell at the bar or the stinky guy at the gas station. Or get followed by store security guards.

4. I dont want to be judged right off the bat. In comedy I think I have some interesting points and Im afraid people just turn me off when I speak. Oh, its just some hippie! And Im not a fucking hippie. I get on stage and say how I hate the system and we should legalize weed. Look at me! Its obvious. Lets throw some misdirection.

5. I just wanted something different.

6. Id look in the mirror and I really didnt think thats what I looked like. (I know its an odd one.)

7. People say, oh youre cool or hip or whatever and its all because I did my hair a certain way. Its fucking hair people! I am not a hair cut or a certain style. Its getting in the way of me, I think.

Hows that? Enough? Too egotistical? Whatever...I just didnt want to keep explaining it. Even though I know Im going to have to for the next year or so.

5:16 PM - 11 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

pissed off Americans

So Sunday night I was doing a set at the Azteca restaurant in Garden Grove, California. (Near Anaheim.)
The place was packed, but the crowd wasn’t rolling yet. Decent laughers, but no one was getting them really going.
This younger couple sits right up front and starts to watch the show. She was a decent looking blonde and the guy was tall with a great flat top.
So I start in on my set. I said something to the fact of why is our Government spending taxpayer’s money and wasting time with this brain dead chick in Florida. That’s their business. Aren’t we at War or something? Don’t the politicians in this country have more things to worry about then baseball steroids? War? Debt? Censorships?
I went on about how I feel there’s this movement in this country to get everyone to shut up and let the Government do whatever they want to.
You say something against the President somehow you’re working for the terrorist.
If I think the President is a dink that doesn’t mean I’m in cahoots with Al Qaeda, it just means I’m a good judge of character.
This blonde girl goes apeshit! I can hear her complaining to her flat top boyfriend, “Where the hell does he get off insulting this country? How can he stand up there insulting our politicians?”
I turn at her and say, ‘Just like this baby. Your Government doesn’t care about you. This bullshit about shutting up makes you a better American? Driving around with a giant flag in your truck makes you a patriot just like wearing a space suit makes you an Astronaut.’
“I joined the military that’s how patriotic I am, what the fuck are you doing?” She screams as she walks out of the room. “Exercising me freedom of speech!”
She goes into the bar next door and starts screaming at the bartender about shitty the comics are and about how she’s fighting for this country.
FIGHTING FOR MY RIGHT TO SAY WHAT I WANT!
Am I missing something?
Did I miss the giant meeting in America where we just bend over and take it?
When did apathy, compliancy, and ignorance become the American way?
(On a side note, pretty funny when the guy in the bar tells me all this, then calmly says, “Everyone is entitled their opinion, no ones right and no one’s wrong, but you know who to blame? The Vietnamese!” True story.)
So there you go comics and rouge citizens alike.
Shut your mouth; keep your crazy thoughts to yourself. The country is fine.
It’s a crazy world out there.
Freedom of speech is allowed as long as your saying what everyone else believes.
You can have whatever opinion you want, as long as it’s the same as everyone else’s.
God bless America.
d-

9:18 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment