"Sometimes when you talk to me you dont even see me. Look, a woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else."-The Notebook
It sounds like a silly romantic movie line...but it's so excruciatingly painfully true. As much as you kid yourself, make up excuses and lies to justify his behavior, you KNOW...deep down, you KNOW...and that is something that is ALWAYS in the back of your mind. That is the type of thing that drives a girl neurotically insane...that is the type of thing that strips away our dignity without hope of getting it back because we are so absolutely in love with what we think you are.
I was that girl once. ONCE. I will never be that girl again. I learned. I lived. I learned but I do not judge or look down on those sad, sad girls who are in this type of situation. It breaks my heart a little. It's a painful existence, always wondering, always doubting, always seeking approval, in its most primitive, sometimes weak form. You're desperate for a word of kindness, a sincere touch, a glance in your direction that isn't clouded by discontent and longing for someone else. Something else. You grasp at nothingness in hope of something, in hope of acknowledgement and you fool yourself into believing his indifference is genuine...due to stress...due to anything but you. He loves you. He really does. He told you...he tells you everyday, blankly without conviction. A rehearsed line. It's become normal now.
I don't know you all. Maybe some of you are bad people. Maybe some of you are undeserving of love. I have a feeling that 99 percent of you are good people though. This glass is half full. Who am I to attempt to make any sort of difference? Who am I to tell you that your approach is wrong...that it's built of lies and misconceptions....who am I? I am no one other than a girl who has been that sad..a girl who understand that pain..a girl who knows what it feels like to be unimportant and cast aside when you're not convenient...when something better has come along. I know what it is like to not love myself enough to say, "NO, you cannot treat me like this. I am SO much better than this" I have been there.
Trust your gut. It's usually right. Don't make excuses. Strength is aquired and learned. But what an amazing feeling it is to aquire that strength and that learning experience from a less than desirable situation. Don't become bitter. Become empowered.
Summary McCain and Obama contradicted each other repeatedly during their first debate, and each volunteered some factual misstatements as well. Here's how we sort them out:
Obama said McCain adviser Henry Kissinger backs talks with Iran "without preconditions," but McCain disputed that. In fact, Kissinger did recently call for "high level" talks with Iran starting at the secretary of state level and said, "I do not believe that we can make conditions." After the debate the McCain campaign issued a statement quoting Kissinger as saying he didn't favor presidential talks with Iran. Obama denied voting for a bill that called for increased taxes on "people" making as little as $42,000 a year, as McCain accused him of doing. McCain was right, though only for single taxpayers. A married couple would have had to make $83,000 to be affected by the vote, and anyway no such increase is in Obama's tax plan. McCain and Obama contradicted each other on what Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Admiral Mike Mullen said about troop withdrawals. Mullen said a time line for withdrawal could be "very dangerous" but was not talking specifically about "Obama's plan," as McCain maintained. McCain tripped up on one of his signature issues – special appropriation "earmarks." He said they had "tripled in the last five years," when in fact they have decreased sharply. Obama claimed Iraq "has" a $79 billion surplus. It once was projected to be as high as that. It's now down to less than $60 billion. McCain repeated his overstated claim that the U.S. pays $700 billion a year for oil to hostile nations. Imports are running at about $536 billion this year, and a third of it comes from Canada, Mexico and the U.K. Obama said 95 percent of "the American people" would see a tax cut under his proposal. The actual figure is 81 percent of households. Obama mischaracterized an aspect of McCain's health care plan, saying "employers" would be taxed on the value of health benefits provided to workers. Employers wouldn't, but the workers would. McCain also would grant workers up to a $5,000 tax credit per family to cover health insurance.
McCain misrepresented Obama's plan by claiming he'd be "handing the health care system over to the federal government." Obama would expand some government programs but would allow people to keep their current plans or chose from private ones, as well.
McCain claimed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower had drafted a letter of resignation from the Army to be sent in case the 1944 D-Day landing at Normandy turned out to be a failure. Ike prepared a letter taking responsibility, but he didn't mention resigning. For full details, as well as other dubious claims and statements, please read our full Analysis section. Analysis The first of three scheduled debates between Republican Sen. John McCain and Democratic Sen. Barack Obama took place Sept. 26 on the campus of the University of Mississippi at Oxford. It was sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates. It was carried live on national television networks and was moderated by Jim Lehrer, executive editor and anchor of the PBS "NewsHour" program.
We noted these factual misstatements:
Did Kissinger Back Obama?
McCain attacked Obama for his declaration that he would meet with leaders of Iran and other hostile nations "without preconditions." To do so with Iran, McCain said, "isn't just naive; it's dangerous." Obama countered by saying former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger – a McCain adviser – agreed with him:
Obama: Senator McCain mentioned Henry Kissinger, who's one of his advisers, who, along with five recent secretaries of state, just said that we should meet with Iran – guess what – without precondition. This is one of your own advisers.
McCain rejected Obama's cl..
McCain: By the way, my friend, Dr. Kissinger, who's been my friend for 35 years, would be interested to hear this conversation and Senator Obama's depiction of his -- of his positions on the issue. I've known him for 35 years. Obama: We will take a look. McCain: And I guarantee you he would not -- he would not say that presidential top level. Obama: Nobody's talking about that.
So who's right? Kissinger did in fact say a few days earlier at a forum of former secretaries of state that he favors very high-level talks with Iran – without conditions:
Kissinger Sept. 20: Well, I am in favor of negotiating with Iran. And one utility of negotiation is to put before Iran our vision of a Middle East, of a stable Middle East, and our notion on nuclear proliferation at a high enough level so that they have to study it. And, therefore, I actually have preferred doing it at the secretary of state level so that we -- we know we're dealing with authentic...
CNN's Frank Sesno: Put at a very high level right out of the box?
Kissinger: Initially, yes.But I do not believe that we can make conditions for the opening of negotiations.
Later, McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, was asked about this by CBS News anchor Katie Couric, and Palin said, "I've never heard Henry Kissinger say, 'Yeah, I'll meet with these leaders without preconditions being met.'" Afterward Couric said, "We confirmed Henry Kissinger's position following our interview."
After the McCain-Obama debate, however, Kissinger issued a statement saying he doesn't favor a presidential meeting:
Kissinger: Senator McCain is right. I would not recommend the next President of the United States engage in talks with Iran at the Presidential level. My views on this issue are entirely compatible with the views of my friend Senator John McCain.
$42,000 per year?
McCain said – and Obama denied – that Obama had voted to increase taxes on "people who make as low as $42,000 a year." McCain was correct – with qualification.
McCain: But, again, Senator Obama has shifted on a number of occasions. He has voted in the United States Senate to increase taxes on people who make as low as $42,000 a year. Obama: That's not true, John. That's not true. McCain: And that's just a fact. Again, you can look it up. Obama: Look, it's just not true.
Yes, as we've said before, Obama did in fact vote for a budget resolution that called for higher federal income tax rates on a single, non-homeowner who earned as little as $42,000 per year. A couple filing jointly, however, would have had to earn at least $83,000 per year to be affected. A family of four with income up to $90,000 would not have been affected.
The resolution actually would not have altered taxes without additional legislation. It called generally for allowing most of the 2001 and 2003 Bush tax cuts to expire. McCain is referring to the provision that would have allowed the 25 percent tax bracket to return to 28 percent. The tax plan Obama now proposes, however, would not raise the rate on that tax bracket.
Timetable Tiff
Obama contradicted McCain about what Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Admiral Mike Mullen's said regarding "Obama's plan" for troop withdrawals.
McCain: Admiral Mullen suggests that Senator Obama's plan is dangerous for America. Obama: That's not the case. McCain: That's what ... Obama: What he said was a precipitous... McCain: That's what Admiral Mullen said. Obama: ... withdrawal would be dangerous. He did not say that. That's not true.
Admiral Mullen did say in a Fox News interview that having a time line for withdrawal would be dangerous.
Mullen (July 20): I think the consequences could be very dangerous in that regard. I'm convinced at this point in time that coming – making reductions based on conditions on the ground are very important.
However, interviewer Chris Wallace had just told Mullen to take Obama out of the equation.
Wallace (July 20): But I'm asking you in the absence – forget about Obama. Forget about the politics. If I were to say to you, "Let's set a time line of getting all of our combat troops out within two years," what do you think would be the consequences of setting that kind of a time line?
So strictly speaking Mullen was not talking specifically about "Obama's plan." He did say a rigid timetable could have dangerous consequences.
Earmarks Down, Not Up
McCain was way off the mark when he said that earmarks in federal appropriations bills had tripled in the last five years.
McCain: But the point is that – you see, I hear this all the time. "It's only $18 billion." Do you know that it's tripled in the last five years?
In fact, earmarks have actually gone down. According to Citizens Against Government Waste, there was $22.5 billion worth of earmark spending in 2003. By 2008, that figure had come down to $17.2 billion. That's a decrease of 24 percent.
Taxpayers for Common Sense, another watchdog group, said in 2008 that "Congress has cut earmarks by 23 percent from the record 2005 levels," according to its analysis.
$3 million to study the DNA of bears?
And while we're on the subject of earmarks, McCain repeated a misleading line we've heard before.
McCain: You know, we spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a criminal issue or a paternal issue, but the fact is that it was $3 million of our taxpayers' money. And it has got to be brought under control.
McCain's been playing this for laughs since 2003. The study in question was done by the U.S. Geological Survey, and it relied in part on federal appropriations. Readers (and politicians) may disagree on whether a noninvasive study of grizzly bear population and habitat is a waste of money. McCain clearly thinks it is – but on the other hand, he never moved to get rid of the earmark. In fact, he voted for the bill that made appropriations for the study. He did propose some changes to the bill, but none that nixed the bear funding.
Iraqi Surplus Exaggerated
Obama was out of date in saying the Iraqi government has "79 billion dollars," when he argued that the U.S. should stop spending money on the war in Iraq.
Obama: We are currently spending $10 billion a month in Iraq when they have a $79 billion surplus.
As we've said before, there was a time when the country could have had as much as $79 billion, but that time has passed. What the Iraqis actually "have" is $29.4 billion in the bank. The Government Accountability Office projected in August that Iraq's 2008 budget surplus could range anywhere from $38.2 billion to $50.3 billion, depending on oil revenue, price and volume. Then, in early August, the Iraqi legislature passed a $21 billion supplemental spending bill, which was omitted from the GAO's surplus tally since it was still under consideration. The supplemental will be completely funded by this year's surplus. So the range of what the Iraqi's could have at year's end is actually $47 billion to $59 billion. The $79 billion figure is outdated and incorrect.
$700 billion for oil?
McCain repeated an exaggerated claim that the U.S. is sending $700 billion per year to hostile countries.
McCain: Look, we are sending $700 billion a year overseas to countries that don't like us very much. Some of that money ends up in the hands of terrorist organizations.
That's not accurate. McCain also made this claim in his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. He's referring to the amount of money the U.S. spends in importing oil. But the number is inflated. In fact, we actually pay more like $536 billion for the oil we need. And one-third of those payments go to Canada, Mexico and the U.K.
(Note: A few of our readers messaged us, after we first noted McCain's mistake, with the thought that he was referring to foreign aid and not to oil. If so he's even farther off than we supposed: The entire budget for the State Department and International Programs works out to just $51.3 million.)
Tax Cut Recipients
Obama overstated how many people would save on taxes under his plan:
Obama: My definition – here's what I can tell the American people: 95 percent of you will get a tax cut. And if you make less than $250,000, less than a quarter-million dollars a year, then you will not see one dime's worth of tax increase.
That should be 95 percent of families, not 95 percent of "American people." An analysis by the Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center found that Obama's plan would decrease taxes for 95.5 percent of families with children. Overall, 81.3 percent of households would get a tax cut under his proposal.
Health Care Hyperbole
Obama and McCain traded incorrect statements on each other's health care plan.
Obama: So you may end up getting a $5,000 tax credit. Here's the only problem: Your employer now has to pay taxes on the health care that you're getting from your employer.
As we said before, McCain's plan doesn't call for taxing employers on health care benefits; it would instead tax employees. As the law stands now, employees don't pay taxes on the dollar value of their health insurance benefits. Under McCain's plan, they would.
McCain also misrepresented Obama's plan when he said that his opponent favored "handing the health care system over to the federal government."
McCain: Well, I want to make sure we're not handing the health care system over to the federal government which is basically what would ultimately happen with Senator Obama's health care plan. I want the families to make decisions between themselves and their doctors. Not the federal government.
McCain made a similar claim in his acceptance speech, when he said that Obama's plans would "force families into a government run health care system." We called it false then and we stand by that. Obama's plan mandates coverage for children, but not for adults, and it does not require anyone to be covered by a nationalized system. Obama's plan expands the insurance coverage offered by the government, but allows people to keep their own plans or choose from private plans as well.
Ike Was No Quitter
McCain mangled his military history:
McCain: President Eisenhower, on the night before the Normandy invasion, went into his room, and he wrote out two letters.
One of them was a letter congratulating the great members of the military and allies that had conducted and succeeded in the greatest invasion in history, still to this day, and forever.
And he wrote out another letter, and that was a letter of resignation from the United States Army for the failure of the landings at Normandy.
The story is widely circulated in military circles but not entirely true. Eisenhower (then a general, not yet a president) did in fact write a letter taking responsibility should the D-Day invasion fail. But Eisenhower's letter does not mention resigning. Here's the full text:
Eisenhower (June 5, 1944): Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based on the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.
No mention of quitting the Army, or his command.
A Longer Timetable
Obama stretched out his schedule for withdrawing troops from Iraq. During the debate, Obama said we could "reduce" the number of combat troops in 16 months:
Obama: Now, what I've said is we should end this war responsibly. We should do it in phases. But in 16 months we should be able to reduce our combat troops, put – provide some relief to military families and our troops and bolster our efforts in Afghanistan so that we can capture and kill bin Laden and crush al Qaeda.
But in Oct. 2007, Obama supported removing all combat troops from Iraq within 16 months:
Obama (Oct. 2007): I will remove one or two brigades a month, and get all of our combat troops out of Iraq within 16 months. The only troops I will keep in Iraq will perform the limited missions of protecting our diplomats and carrying out targeted strikes on al Qaeda. And I will launch the diplomatic and humanitarian initiatives that are so badly needed. Let there be no doubt: I will end this war.
The quote appears in "Barack Obama and Joe Biden on Defense Issues" – a position paper that was still available on the campaign's Web site as Obama spoke.
Still Soft on Iran?
McCain repeated the false insinuation that Obama opposed naming Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps as a terrorist organization.
McCain: There is the Republican Guard in Iran, which Senator Kyl had an amendment in order to declare them a sponsor of terror. Senator Obama said that would be provocative. ...
Obama: Well, let me just correct something very quickly. I believe the Republican Guard of Iran is a terrorist organization. I've consistently said so. What Senator McCain refers to is a measure in the Senate that would try to broaden the mandate inside of Iraq. To deal with Iran.
Obama has in fact said that the IRGC should be named a terrorist group. He was a cosponsor of the Iran Counter-Proliferation Act, which, among other things, named the IRGC a terrorist organization. What he voted against was the Kyl-Lieberman amendment, which also called for the terrorist group distinction. But Obama said that he opposed the amendment on the grounds that it was "saber-rattling."
Obama press release (Sept. 26, 2007): Senator Obama clearly recognizes the serious threat posed by Iran. However, he does not agree with the president that the best way to counter that threat is to keep large numbers of troops in Iraq, and he does not think that now is the time for saber-rattling towards Iran. In fact, he thinks that our large troop presence in Iraq has served to strengthen Iran - not weaken it. He believes that diplomacy and economic pressure, such as the divestment bill that he has proposed, is the right way to pressure the Iranian regime. Accordingly, he would have opposed the Kyl-Lieberman amendment had he been able to vote today.
Who's Naive on Georgia?
McCain called Obama's initial statement on the conflict in Georgia "naive." It's worth noting Obama's words echoed those of the White House.
McCain: Well, I was interested in Senator Obama's reaction to the Russian aggression against Georgia. His first statement was, "Both sides ought to show restraint."
Again, a little bit of naivete there. He doesn't understand that Russia committed serious aggression against Georgia.
It's true, as McCain said, that during the conflict between Georgia and Russia, Obama said, "Now is the time for Georgia and Russia to show restraint, and to avoid an escalation to full scale war" in his first statement on the conflict. But so did the White House. Press secretary Dana Perino said on Aug. 8, "We urge restraint on all sides – that violence would be curtailed and that direct dialogue could ensue in order to help resolve their differences." We pointed this out when New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani mischaracterized Obama's response to the crisis during the GOP convention.
Boeing Boasts
McCain was went too far when he said, "I saved the taxpayers $6.8 billion by fighting a contract that was negotiated between Boeing and DOD that was completely wrong. And we fixed it and we killed it."
McCain certainly did lead a fight to kill the contract, and the effort ended in prison sentences for defense contractors. But the contract isn't exactly "fixed" yet. In fact, questions have been raised about the role McCain has played in helping a Boeing rival secure the new contract.
After the original Boeing contract to supply refueling airliners was nixed in 2003, the bidding process was reopened. And in early 2007, Boeing rival EADS/Airbus won the bid the second time around. But Boeing filed a protest about the way the bids were processed, and the Government Accountability Office released a report that found in Boeing's favor. In the summary of GAO's investigation, the organization said there were "significant errors" with the bid process and that the directions given to Boeing were "misleading."
Further, the New York Times reported that "McCain's top advisers, including a cochairman of his presidential campaign, were lobbyists for EADS. And Mr. McCain had written to the Defense Department, urging it to ignore a trade dispute between the United States and Europe over whether Airbus received improper subsidies." A liberal campaign finance group ran an ad hitting McCain on the connections back in July and our colleagues at PolitiFact found their attacks to be true, saying: "Center for Responsive Politics prepared a report for PolitiFact that backs [the charge] up. U.S. employees of EADS/Airbus have contributed $15,700 in this election cycle to McCain's campaign."
Nuclear Charges
McCain said Obama was against storing nuclear waste. That's not exactly his position.
McCain: And Senator Obama says he's for nuclear, but he's against reprocessing and he's against storing.
Obama: I -- I just have to correct the record here. I have never said that I object to nuclear waste. What I've said is that we have to store it safely.
Obama's official position is that he does support safe storage of nuclear waste:
Obama fact sheet: Obama will also lead federal efforts to look for a safe, long-term disposal solution based on objective, scientific analysis. In the meantime, Obama will develop requirements to ensure that the waste stored at current reactor sites is contained using the most advanced dry-cask storage technology available. Barack Obama believes that Yucca Mountain is not an option. Our government has spent billions of dollars on Yucca Mountain, and yet there are still significant questions about whether nuclear waste can be safely stored there.
But the McCain campaign has attacked Obama before on this issue, going as far as to claim Obama did not support nuclear energy at all, which was false. Obama has said he supports nuclear as long as it is "clean and safe."
Against Alternative Energy
Obama said that McCain had voted 23 times against alternative energy:
Obama: Over 26 years, Senator McCain voted 23 times against alternative energy, like solar, and wind, and biodiesel.
Here's the Obama campaign's list of the 23 votes. We find they're overstating the case. In many instances, McCain voted not against alternative energy but against mandatory use of alternative energy, or he voted in favor of allowing exemptions from these mandates. Only 11 of the 23 votes cited by the Obama campaign involve reducing or eliminating incentives for renewable energy.
Meanwhile, McCain was indignant at the suggestion that he'd voted against alternative energy at all.
McCain: I have voted for alternate fuel all of my time. ... No one can be opposed to alternate energy.
But McCain's record says differently. As we say above, he has voted against funding for alternative energy on 11 occasions. He may be in favor of alternative energy in theory, but he has declined opportunities to support it.
In McCain's energy plan, he supports nuclear power and "clean" coal, which are alternative energies. But they don't qualify as renewable energy, such as hydro, solar and wind power. McCain's plan makes a vague promise to "rationalize the current patchwork of temporary tax credits that provide commercial feasibility." The experts we talked to weren't sure what exactly that meant.
Committee Oversight
Both candidates were right in talking about Obama's NATO subcommittee.
McCain: Senator Obama is the chairperson of a committee that oversights NATO, that's in Afghanistan. To this day he's never had a hearing. …
Obama: Look, the -- I'm very proud of my vice presidential selection, Joe Biden, who's the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. And as he explains and as John well knows, the issues of Afghanistan, the issues of Iraq, critical issues like that don't go through my subcommittee because they're done as a committee as a whole.
As we've already reported Obama's subcommittee on Afghanistan does have jurisdiction over NATO, which is supplying about half of the troops in Afghanistan. His subcommittee does not have jurisdiction over Afghanistan proper.
Getting the Dates Wrong
We also caught McCain getting his congressional history a little wrong.
McCain: Back in 1983, when I was a brand-new United States congressman, the one -- the person I admired the most and still admire the most, Ronald Reagan, wanted to send Marines into Lebanon. And I saw that, and I saw the situation, and I stood up, and I voted against that because I was afraid that they couldn't make peace in a place where 300 or 400 or several hundred Marines would make a difference. Tragically, I was right: Nearly 300 Marines lost their lives in the bombing of the barracks.
This isn't quite right. Marines were initially deployed to Lebanon in August 1982. McCain, however, was not elected to the U.S. House until November 1982, more than three months after Marines had already landed.
McCain is referring to a 1983 vote to invoke the War Powers Act. That bill, which Ronald Reagan signed into law on October 12, 1983, authorized an 18-month deployment for the Marines. On October 13, a suicide bomber destroyed the Marine barracks in Beirut. McCain did in fact break with most Republicans to vote against the bill.
–by Brooks Jackson, Lori Robertson, Justin Bank, Jess Henig, Emi Kolawole and Joe Miller. Sources "Statement Regarding the Bid Protest Decision Resolving the Aerial Refueling Tanker Protest by The Boeing Company" Government Accountability Office. 18 June 2008.
Isikoff, Michael, "McCain's Boeing Battle Boomerangs," Newsweek. 30 June 2008.
Laurent, Lionel, "Boeing Boomerangs on McCain," Forbers Magazine. 4 March 2008.
Wayne, Leslie, "Audit Says Tanker Deal Is Flawed," New York Times. 19 June 2008.
Tax Policy Center. "Individual Income Tax Brackets, 1945 - 2008." 4 November 2007. Tax Policy Center, 7 July 2008.
"U.S. Imports by Country of Origin." U.S. Energy Information Administration, accessed 5 Sept. 2008.
"Spot Prices, Crude Oil in Dollars per Barrel." U.S. Energy Information Administration, accessed 5 Sept. 2008.
"S. 970: Iran Counter-Proliferation Act of 2007." 8 April 2008. Thomas.gov. 2 June 2008.
"Sec. 1538 of H.R. 1585." National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2008. Thomas.gov. 2 June 2008
U.S. Senate. "Roll Call Vote on Senate Amendment 3017." 26 Sept. 2007. U.S. Senate: Legislation and Records. 2 June 2008.
Grimmett, Richard F. "Congressional Use of Funding Cutoffs Since 1970 Involving U.S. Military Forces and Overseas Deployments." Congressional Research Service. 10 January 2001.
Daggett, Stephen. Costs of Major U.S. Wars. 24 Jul. 2008. Congressional Research Service.
I also requested information to volunteer as a mentor with this organization: If anyone is interested, definitely click the link. http://www.iambeautiful.org/
Girls have it rough, especially young girls. It's as though 13 year olds are forced to look and act like 20 year olds. Societal pressure, mixed with media images of exaggerated physical perfection make it hard for young girls to keep up with this false notion of what is expected of them. Take it from someone who suffered from terrible self esteem for the longest time. It only gets worse when it's not dealt with.
1:16 AM - How eager the hands that reach for love...
I cry a lot on the way home from places...work, the bar..and well, those are usually the only two places I go. Songs trigger the tears. Today it was New Life by Blind Melon. I cried because I want babies. I had just spent bonding time with Sydney (who is almost 3 weeks old now, wow), so the song about Shannon Hoon's impending fatherhood and how he desperately tried to change his life (drug habit) for this kid, set me off. I want babies and I want to see someone I love be a daddy to my babies :-( Daddies are the best, especially first time daddies. It's so sweet. I love watching them with their kids.
I'm really emotional. I turned on the new 90210 and Kelly Taylor has a kid now. She was cuddling with him..playing the tickle monster game. So I started crying again. I turned it off. Law & Order is always a safe bet, so once again, I'm sitting here on my ass watching Jack McCoy, my old man guilty pleasure.
I've got to pull myself together. My biggest fear is that I'll discover that I won't be able to have children. Adoption isn't the same. From a surprisingly young age, I knew, instinctually that my main purpose in life is to be a mommy..Not just on a biological level..to breed and contribute to the human race..but to be a mommy, in all the different senses of the word. Mommy-hood would encompass me. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be 27 in a month and a half.
New Life by Blind Melon
Suddenly everyting is fainting Falling from a broken ladder's rung There's a jolt exhilarating from the phone I'm holding I hear the words of what I'll become
How eager the hands that reach for love
'Cause now there's a new life to behold And its the biggest part of my life to unfold
'Cause now she's telling me she'll have my baby And a faithful father I am to be When I'm looking into the eyes of our own baby Will it bring new life into me?
Deep inside must defy arrangement I've been a stumblin' from the startin' blocks 'til now And I'll always try to justify the way I've been behaving Should I teach one not to know how? How to live in a world we live in now
'Cause there's a beautiful life to behold And its the biggest part of my life to unfold
'Cause now she's telling me she'll have my baby And a father figure I am to be When I'm looking into the eyes of our own baby Will it bring new life into me?
Oh please Oh please Oh please
Bring new life Bring new life Bring new life into me
R.I.P. Shannon Hoon
Currently
reading
:
The Taking
By
Dean Koontz
Release date: 2005-04-26
Bouncing Souls in Asbury on September 20th. Be there.
The park was so strange today. Dylan and I go to this really nice park in Colts Neck several times a week. There's so much to do (including a "sprayground") and it's a good atmosphere in a nice area. Today though, everyone seemed a bit off. It started when I saw two little boys running around with toy guns. The smallest had a rifle and his big brother had a pistol and they were running around shooting each other. It's a strange thing to see this day and age, especially in public in an upper middle class/wealthy New Jersey suburb. We're not big gun people around here, haha. Maybe if we were a bunch of gun toters down in Texas or out in Nevada, I'd understand it, but NJ isn't a gun state. I was actually pretty disturbed to see that. I'm sure Michael Moore would have been too.
Not long after the gun incident, I notice a strange group of people, sans children, walk into the park. They looked straight out of Miami Vice...White, "airy" clothing...the men were tan and chiseled, very wealthy looking..the women, while a bit more haggard looking (as women tend to be in comparison to their male counterparts as they age) were still very YACHTY looking...they reminded me of Drew Barrymore's fiance in the Wedding Singer...Goolia...whatever his first name was... Anyway, I watched them for a little...something didn't seem right but after awhile I forgot about them...Dylan and I are on this "couch" that moves from side to side if an adult or older child stands in the middle and sways back and forth. So I'm standing there, swaying my sway, when I spot Don Johnson 1 walk over...I'm not someone who thinks everyone with a penis is checking me out, but this man was undressing me with his eyes, and considering I was moving my hips in what could be construed by a pervert in a sexual manner, I was uncomfortable. So he hops on, and starts rubbing my back and hair and says, "Are you ready!?" And I turn to face him so his grubby hands don't touch me again and this man starts rocking the couch SO fast that Dylan is hanging on for dear life, a second away from falling off. I sit down next to her and hold onto her and he's like, "Oh no! One of our fat asses is sitting down!" (Obviously joking but totally inappropriate to say around kids)...Meanwhile, his daughter gets on...4 years old maybe and starts screaming to get away from daddy. One of the other woman comes over and Don Johnson tells her to get her "TA TA's" on the ride so he can see her "SHAKE THAT ASS." She proceeds to get on and...well, shake her ass. At this point, I take Dylan off and run far away. These people were acting like they did a few lines in the parking lot...
Shortly after, this man and his son want to go on the swings, but they're all occupied. Dylan and I are patiently waiting our turn, but this man decides he's going to take on the role of playground vigilante and asks these two young girls if they're swinging (they were kind of chatting, not going very fast). They very politely told him that, yes they were..they just got on and they'll get off as soon as their turn is over. Nice little girls. Well, vigilante dad SCOWLED, gave them a dirty look and stood over them, staring at them for a good 10 seconds before he dragged his son away to the baby swings. It was so strange.
".... the lyrics to one of the most heartfelt songs werent even written by the band. They were written by a soldier (Garett Reppenhagen) with the U.S. military. Letters From Iraq stems from a page on bouncingsouls. com featuring soul baring insight into the thoughts and feelings of soldiers overseas. To hear the words from the pen of someone living in a warzone can be downright chilling. Underneath the palms, theres improvised bombs. Because, Jihad Johnny knows Yankee is a liar. Back that up with a thumping beat and youve got yourself the protest song Anti-Flag wish they wrote. "
"The hot Sunni sun passes Moaning Mosque Spire.
B-company's pinned down and under heavy fire.
Underneath the palms there's improvised bombs.
Because Jihad Johnny Knows- Yankee is a liar.
An eye for an eye.
And blood for Texas Tea.
At the call to prayer Al Queda's on his knees.
Isac vs. Ishmael.
Allah vs. Christ.
Zarqawi's on the offense picking up the beat.
There's celebratory fire And a purple thumb vote.
Tom cruise is on a sortie from a gulf love boat.
Smart bombs are a coming, See the children running.
The dead are all laughing, But we don't get the joke.
They lost another friend today.
It's getting rough over there.
They say the whole things fucked.
I wish the boys were back.
At least I know they're still alive.
Another letter from Iraq.
Presents full of Christmas loot.
All that's left of Bullet Billy- is a pair of bloody boots.
His mom is on the phone, His girl is all alone.
We all stand in the rain for a twenty-one gun salute"
Awww I want to cry. I'm so happy for her. I've been listening to Jewel for so long and she's made such a huge impact on me (as far as inspiration is concerned) that I almost feel as though I know her personally.
http://www.popeater.com/music/article/jewel-wrangles-rodeo-star-into-marriage/124845?icid=200100397x1206963681x1200367088LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Pop singer Jewel eloped with her rodeo-star boyfriend in the Bahamas Thursday, People magazine reported. The 34-year-old singer married Ty Murray, 38, during a private ceremony, the magazine said, quoting Jewel's publicist. Jewel said on her Web site Wednesday that she and Murray were heading to the Caribbean islands for six days with two friends.
The pair, who live on a ranch in Texas, had been together for more than a decade. Jewel, whose last name is Kilcher, achieved fame in the mid-1990s with such pop-folk tunes as "Who Will Save Your Soul" and "Foolish Games." She recently released a country album and served as a judge on the TV talent show "Nashville Star." Murray is a legend on the rodeo circuit, winning the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association's All-Around world championship title a record seven times.
My parents shipped my ass up to bumblefuck NY when I was 13...sleepaway camp. I was traumatized from day 1. A two week stay, I couldn't fathom being away from my parents for more than 2 days. I was a homebody. An only child...very timid about certain things. I liked routine...I embraced my trusty old comfort zone. This was a TERRIBLE idea. Nevertheless, I was forced to go. Mom and dad thought it would be good for me. They thought it would be a great experience. I thought they were insane. I thought they were flat out cruel. To make a long story short, I cried for a week straight. I only participated in things I had to take part in. I wrote my parents several times a day. I faked being sick for 2 days so I could sleep in the nurse's office. Between tears, I was frightened and shy. In other words, I was tons of summer fun. To top it off, I got my period for the first time...3 days into my camp hilltop hell, I was suddenly a WOMAN. I thought this would be my ticket home. I wrote letters home, begging my mother to come get me...feigning embarrassment and confusion...I even managed to make one of the counselors feel so bad for me, that she actually CALLED my mom (phone calls to the parents were a big no-no). Nobody budged. I was stuck there for another week and a half...alone, scared and bleeding. I ended up loosening up a bit...I got used to camp life (we humans adapt so quickly), and the second week was one of the best times of my LIFE. I met a great friend (Hi, Denise!) and I got really involved with everything that was going on. If memory serves me correctly, my fellow campers were always incredibly nice...in retrospect, it surprises me because that is the age when girls begin getting catty and cruel. I can't remember one instance of a "mean girl" at that camp. Trust me, I would have been a great target too. I have terrifying, sometimes numbing memories of that first week...and AMAZING memories of the second. I had so much fun. When it was time to go back home, I CRIED. No, I bawled.
I have never been back since. I went to a reunion later a few weeks later (at least I think it was a few weeks later)...I remained friends with Denise for a year or two (she lived in NY at the time...she now lives down by me and we met up a year ago for the first time in like TWELVE years :-) )...but never set foot back in Hancock NY....UNTIL YESTERDAY.
My mom, Harry (her boyfriend) and I decided we would make the drive up to Hancock NY. Considering we were in the Poconos at the time, it shouldn't have been TOO far..my mother estimated 45 minutes. My mom knew how absolutely traumatized I was by half of my camp helltop experience, so being her new-agey self, she thought it would be good for me to go back up there and confront those old "demons." It was an amazingly beautiful drive along the Delaware...the weather was perfect...upper 60s, sunny, no humidity to speak of and dark storm clouds in the distance (I love storms at the end of a beautiful sunny day). We all love going on daytrips, so it was a really good time for everyone. Well, our 45 minutes turned into almost 2 hours, but we did eventually make it up to Hancock. After asking for directions, we set out down a lonely stretch of road that led to the camp...I'm beginning to get extremely nervous. My heart is pounding...palms are sweating...my chest is tight and I'm gripping the steering wheel as though it may float away at any minute. I can't believe this! I can't believe how something I paid no mind to in over a decade, was having such an affect on me now. I'm really beginning to experience signs of a full blown panic attack. We pull into the camp and I begin to freak out (or as my mom would say-I got LITTLE)...I switched places with my mom and let her drive....It was bizarre. We got permission to look around so we took a little spin through...I calmed down immediately and started pointing out certain places and things I remembered and actually ended up enjoying myself. We chatted with the owner for awhile (he was SO rude, I couldn't believe it) and I saw my old cabin...After a half hour, we said our goodbyes and we were on our way back home. As we were driving away it began to rain, and I thought to myself, "HAH! Those campers have to stay in the rain and bad weather and I get to drive home and do whatever I want!" I guess I never really DID get over the negative side of my camp experience.
12:33 PM - For anyone who has ever worked in daycare
Current mood: amused
I frequent this blog, I Saw Your Nanny, and this was submitted today. Too fucking funny. I have SO many stories about insane daycare parents. I want to write a book!
Say goodbye, then come back, then good bye, then come back, then do it a couple more times just in case the kid doesn't miss you enough yet. This way you'll quickly teach your child never to believe a word you say because you'll change your mind, and you'll always keep those teachers on their toes wondering when to step in and help. Make sure you look at the teachers angrily when they don't get that this is REALLY the last time you will say goodbye.
Come in to school while making a business call, don't forget to "Shush" the other children as you come in since they are clearly not aware of how their noise is bothering your very important phone call. Become very angry when teachers ask you to take your phone call outside. Remind them of what a very important person you are – you don't want them to forget.
Please bring your child in the middle of snack time armed with enough junk food (donuts, chips, soda) for six people and sit him down at the snack table and encourage him to eat something in front of all the children having fruit and rice cakes. Make sure to let him know to put the leftovers in his cubby so he can snack in front of others later.
Make sure your child brings a toy from home EVERYDAY even though share day is only on Friday. When the teacher reminds you EVERYDAY that "today is not share day" please make her the bad guy by telling her, 'well, you take it away then". This is an excellent way to create a relationship of trust with the teachers.
Please bring your child to school with a loaded diaper, and make sure you don't have time to change it before you say goodbye. Teachers just adore another opportunity to be close to your child and they are more than happy to change that poopy diaper.
When your child is potty training please come to school up to four times a day and drag a chair into the bathroom along with your child and "encourage" them to poop in a very loud demanding way. Anyone can make a child poop at will just by yelling at them. We are so grateful you can come and do this – it's very helpful to all the other children trying to go to the bathroom as well.
Please make a list of all the colors of marker/paint./crayon that your child is not allowed to use. We would never want to soil any of your child's clothes at the PLAY – BASED, NON ACADEMIC preschool that YOU chose for your child. Don't forget to remind us everyday that your child really doesn't need to do art because it doesn't teach them anything.
When the teachers ask you to label everything (especially jackets) they are not serious. They can easily keep track of thirty jackets, only 6 of them are exactly the same, they can figure it out by size. Don't forget to become VERY upset when your child's unmarked clothing goes missing, teachers are able to find things much quicker after you have loudly reminded them about the item. Don't mind that they are busy with children, follow them around and stand over them reminded them of the color until the missing item is found.
Please interrogate each and every teacher upon pick up as to how many bites of food your child ate at lunch. We must make sure they are all on the same page (even those who were on their own lunch break at that time), and are consistently aware of how many bites of each food item all 30 kids in their care ate. This influences what type of Happy Meal to buy your child for dinner so you NEED to know how much lunch they ate.
The best way to annoy your child's teacher is to go above and beyond the call of a parent by letting them know what they should be doing as far as curriculum and how this play based program isn't really teaching them anything. You understand that you chose this program (but not because it was play based – because it was three blocks from home and you could always change their curriculum later) You have learned this from your three years as a parent, and your years of college education as an engineer. You are confident that the teacher's backgrounds in child Development are not sufficient for planning curriculum and they look forward to your daily input of how it should really be done.
Parents, After dealing with so many of you in my teaching/directing career, I have come to the conclusion that there should be a required class and test before people are allowed to become parents. As well to do financial wizards, doctors and lawyers it amazes me that you can look down your nose at my lowly job, yet still be such an idiot that you leave the baby in the car alone while you come in to read a book to your child, and ask me who the new teacher is (even though it was printed in the newsletter, an e-mail announcement went out, and was written on the notice board) and she's been here 4 months!!
Here's to hoping that your "parent sense" will soon kick in. -A frustrated child care director/teacher
I went to Charlotte Russe last night to return shoes I bought. I'm about to put my shoes down on the counter when this angry woman storms in past me...she gets the attention of the two cashiers and proceeds to yell about how her daughter had been there 2 hours earlier and bought a shirt with a big rip in the armpit...this woman wants her money back...her 3 dollars and 47 cents. Unfortunately, because it was a sale item (80 percent off) she wasn't owed anything more than an exchange. This crazy bitch wanted her money though....she started blaming these two girls for selling a shirt in that condition to kids..how it's irresponsible and disgusting...they're just kids afterall! Don't let them take any responsibility for what they spend their money on and the condition of it...if an item is marked 80 percent off, it's a safe bet you may need to check it for rips, stains and anything else that has caused its price to be reduced to 3 dollars..."Kids" can't even do THAT anymore? So the manager ends up coming out and it's finally ready for me to make my return...I tell the two cashiers that I thoroughly inspected it for any flaws before I purchased it, considering I am completely ABLE to complete such a simple task before I shell out money for something...Angry woman just glared at me...(btw, the cashiers told me that the girl was anywhere between 16 and 18...old enough to take responsbility for her purchases in the mall)....I told them that I'd give the woman 3 bucks, just to shut her the fuck up...then...oy...one of the cashiers says to me, "What is she, Jewish or something?" (this woman was clearly hispanic, btw..heavy heavy accent)....I was going through my wallet as she said it, so my head was down....I kind of just froze and was decidiing whether or not I wanted to call her out on that....I guess she noticed that I was temporarily unresponsive and added, "Well, you know, in the nicest way possible." I didn't say anything..this girl was young and not the brightest crayon in the box....I should have warned her to watch who she says things like that to though...I wasn't offended, but obviously some people would be...remember what happened at The Lake House? Or whatever it was before that?? "The Jew Couple" was written on someone's tab and the place got so much backlash that they closed down! Anyway, young, anti-semitic girls working in trashy-trendy mall stores hardly worry me... Back to the crazy woman...the manager, who is trying to refund this woman's money, needs to take down certain information before she completes the return....she asks the woman her name... .....evil glare..."I don't have to give you my name!" It started up all over again. I wished them all luck and left.
he did me bad...real bad... the memories hurt right now... they're still so recent...they're so new and fresh.... i can still feel his hand in mine. ouch. I tried to forget. I have done so well moving on... welcome all, to my moment of weakness... my moment of clarity..my moment of injustice 4 months later.
i bawled. my makeup ran. i screamed and i cried... i wondered why, i couldn't let it go.
i miss his touch... i miss his smell.. i miss how smooth his skin was... his voice, i still remember it. I always forget the sound of peoples' voices... his though..his I remember. so soft...so insincere..feigned sense of security.. he never meant it. but I remember it...I could never let go.. I hung onto every word... Every single lie.
i thought I was over this.. I thought I moved past him.. I'm better than this, I thought.. "I'm not your ex...I won't ever be your ex" I never knew, until now, how NOT over him I am...
Fuck, I miss his face.
Currently
listening
:
The Rising Tied
By
Fort Minor
Release date: 2005-11-22
7:10 PM - I’m not being mean OR making fun of this guy...
It's actually kinda cute...interesting though because I am not quite sure what he's saying throughout the email...I'm so white-bred.
I got this from someone on plentyoffish.
Again, I am NOT making fun of him. This isn't one of my "message of the day" bulletins.
It's like a study in....cultural language differences.
"U LAUGHIN .. DATS WHA IM HERE FOR BUT IM NOT GONNA TELL U NO BEAT ASS JOKE IF DATS WHA U THINK..LOL AIGHT WOW .. A WOMAN THAT KNOW WHA SHE WAN, AMBITION, MOTIVATION AND CONTINUE ON WITH LONG TIME GOALS AND DREAMS ... WOW .. DAT WHATS REALLY GOOD . FOR MOST IT FADE AWAY . YEAH I READ UR PRO .. LIKE TO KNOW WHA IM GETTIN INTO .... FEEL ME AND WE ARE DEF ALIKE I CAN SEE DAT . THAT WHY IM WRITING NOW . FOR ONE U BEAUTIFUL AS HELL .. NO BS .. OH BY THE WAY .. MY NAME IS REAL .. PARDON MY RUDENESS.I DIDNT JUS COME UP WITH DAT NAME SO WHA I TELL U .. IT IS .. WHA IT IT ..I DONT KNOW HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK BUT IMMA TRY ...LOL ... DAMN ... U BELONG FROM CALI OR MOVIE OR SOMETHIN ...LOL .. WOW ... IM FROM TOMS RIVER 28 .. HOW COME WE NEVA MET .. U HAVE TO GET OUT SOME ... HOW BOUT THIS ... WE TALK ... GET TO KNOW EACH OTHA .. AND THEN U LET ME TAKE YOU OUT SOMEWHERE AND HAVE A LIL FUN ?... HOW DAT SOUND ... WELL U THINK IT OVA AND LEMME KNOW CAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE A FRIENDSHIP WITH U. IS DAT UR SON ? DO U HAVE ANY KIDS? WOW WALKS .. LIL THINGS .. DATS WHATS GOOD AND MATTER. I LIKE TO SPEND ONE ON ONE TIME .. POPCORN AND MOVIE ... I PREFFERE XXX RATED THOUGH ..LOL.. KEEPIN IT REAL .. AIGHT
BOUT DAT TIME SO IMMA GO FOR NOW HOPIN TO HEAR FROM U .
TIL THEN .. GOODNIGHT AND SWEETDREAMS ... MUAH
PS .. AND I CAN LIVE CLOSE ... LETS GET RIGHT ...
I LOVE DAT FIRST PIC OF YOU LEANIN ON CHAIR .. DAT IS SOOOOOO SEXY . PURRRRFUCT BODY ... AND DAT ONION POKIN OUT ...LOL .LEMME GO FORREAL NOW B4 I KEEP GOIN... TTYS"
amused
