Working Harder

I'm working harder, getting stronger, changing my approach when one has failed, working harder at working harder, getting smarter, fighting, fighting, fighting, until I get everything in the world I could not possibly dream to have.  The end.

3:56 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

     It can only transform.  I'm not sure who made that saying but ahhh, everything that makes up this Earth must go somewhere.  Hydrogen and oxygen make water.  Men and women make babies.  Umm, shit that's all I remember from chemistry.  But more importantly, that energy must go somewhere.  Hyrogen has gotta go somewhere so that it can become something else or something more.  Sometimes I think that being in love with someone is like a torch that never stops burning.  It simply shifts and hopefully we learn to have a better understanding of our love (I think Freud referred to it as libido) and become more gentle, caring, yet non-compromosing of core values along the way.  I think that's the intention of how love is suppose to carry on.  And whether you experience it in a traditional way or not, you can still watch your own love drive change.  Call it whatever you want...don't ask me for the chemical names for libido, sex drive, or love drive. But love is not created.  We've had desire to love the whole time and it was just a torch that kept passing along.  Love is not created.  It is not destroyed.  Love is beyond human matter and human souls.  It is collectively something that existed for all of the beings in charge for harvesting and changing the chemistry of love.  And I say beings because other animals such as dogs too are in charge of harvesting love.  Shit dogs usually do a way better job than humans do! 

     Say you found a mineral in the ground.  It's filled with dirt, mud, and all other sorts of ground junk that must be removed.  Then the final product is valuable.  That's the same thing with love.  It's thrown into our naive souls and we must find a way to remove the irrational thoughts and aggressive and passive aggressive behaviors that are similar to Earthly ground junk.  And like a mineral we've harvested, we clean it up, polish it up, learn to have someone else in mind besides ourselves (imagine if hydrogen was too narcissistic to hook up with oxygen?), and there we have a perfect gem.  Is a gem a mineral? (Man I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.)  I suppose dogs do a better job because their thought processes are much simpler and they have a lot less dirt to clean off their love gem.

12:46 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

When You Define Me

*Warning:
The following blog will make absolutely no sense to anyone.  However, if you want to follow the abstract concepts and see if you get any of it than I'd truly be honored.

When you define me, you remind me of my puppet strings.  And it's not you, it's what I think you think of me that pulls my puppet strings.  I think you think I have sunshine blowing out of my ass.  So I simmer down the sun and bring in the night.  But then your darkness and my darkness collide...because your darkness is your darkness and my darkness is a generic version of your darkness.  And the truth is, my darkness carries light memories...and yes the darkness was light and fluffy.  I always carried the light with me even through dark times.  And yes, I'd like to get too high.  I'd like to like to die.  But how can I with this light carrying through me in each side?  If you do not like my light, you can turn away from its blinding sight.  How could I ever deny my sunshine?  And yes, I've peeked through the doors of hell and hell has its own beauty.  It is the scratch on a Picasso painting that threatens to make the masterpiece lose all of its value.  It says that the scratch will have a suction to make sure the creativity and material that went into the painting goes out the window.  The simple threat is deviously exciting.  That is the power of Hell's beauty.  Hell is going so far past numb that your emotions are being run by a spirit who throws a boulder on your shoulder each time you engage in dealings with this spirit.  I've visited pergatory.  Pergatory is where you're so god damn frusturated that you have to re-wire all that you know and sort out all this mess just so that you can see your path a little more clearly.  And heaven...I want my heaven to be that I could get through to each and every person that I love.  I want my message to shine through them and for them to know whether or not they want me, that I was there.  I want a picture of myself tattooed to your soul so that everytime you deny me, forget about me, or are reminded, you will see my picture there clearly.  Okay so that's not heaven.  That's just my wish.  lol. 

3:53 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I don’t wanna

Everytime I face a challenge, everytime I feel the need to force myself to work a little harder, to endure that pain on my right shoulder a little while longer or the cramp on my left side while jogging, or to make my knees go a little higher, to write that research paper, to deal with whatever focusing problem I have, I always have to do it with a roar.  The only time I can get stuff done is when I say, "DIANA GO KILL YOURSELF IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF YOURSELF!"  And that is my roar.  I HATE it.  I don't want to have to always tell myself negative stuff in order to get things done.  I want to be able to just get it done without so much aggression.  I want to get it done like a lady.  Now I don't normally like the word "lady" but in this case, I do want to persevere in a lady-like manner.  I don't want to be aggressive to get the job done.  I don't want to be mean to myself.  I don't want to have to rip up old books like a mad dog (yes I do that), bang my head against the wall or a book until my forehead hurts to get stuff done.  I just want to work hard!  But I can't seem to do it without some boost.  So my latest challenge is to find a booster without using aggressive self-talk and roaring.  I mean my goodness, just because I wanted to work out a little harder I am screaming at the top of my lungs, making the ugliest testosterone-like faces, and can't I look like a girl when doing this?  So my question to you girly girls out there is this.  How do YOU work hard on a challenge in general without the use of aggression? 

8:18 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Classical Music

I must come out with it.  I've always had a secret love affair with classical music.  But you know, even though I'm coming out I don't think anyone will understand to what extent and to how involved I really am in the breathing and fucking and oh how I beg for certain notes that hit the right spot.  I beg for a note to deviate from the other notes.  And when everyone looks at that note like a screw up, I beg for it to justify itself.  Yes, follow the cello.  Follow the strings.  But as soon as they get you going, BE FREE and explore how many different notes there really are.  But also know when less is more. 

In the darkness, when no one looks I become in harmony with you.  Absent of all emotional pollution, I dance with you.  My heart races because I fear someone will catch us together.  I don't want them to know what we have.  I want our love to be pure and remain a secret.  How can I meditate with you if you become attached to humanly poison?  No one has to know.  I do not breathe in your spirit to breathe out to this Earth.  No sir.  I hold you in until I become light-headed, pass out, and there are no distractions.  I am not a circus show.  I do not show off our love.  Our love is only for our eyes and whatever metaphysically may happen.  Please don't be frusturated with me.  I just don't think Earth is the right place for us to be together.

1:31 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

In-depth About Me Section

I thought this might scare people away and was just too much for someone peaking at my myspace so here it is.  It would just be more appropriate in here.

I'm a spiritual being who strongly believes that there is no wrong pathway to get to God (although there may be difficult pathways which could be just as devastating as taking a boring pathway).  Some may want to see the country side view and breathe in the culture and history when walking through a path.  They may want to live in an orderly manner, keep their primitve desires in check, and try to look good for God.  Hence these people might get into religion and be your neighbors who go to church every week.  I also believe some people take the road path to God and happiness through swamps and puddles of muds because they want to be as natural as they can for God.  They want to show admiration for the primitive instincts that he gave us.  Hence, having sex and living carefree may be their pathway to get to God.  Others may not care for the scenery and would prefer to to take a roadpath to God that is nice and simple. Hence, these might be the housewives and may also live conservatively or remain virgins until marriage.  Others may be too frusturated with the roadpath, get lost, or like to wonder around pathways to get to God and begin to stimulate pure bliss through drugs and alcohol.  This can be a standstill.  They may like the scenery too much or just stay in this location like a homeless person waiting for someone to give them a ride to God.  But in the end, I believe that most (because I can't speak for all) choose different pathways to get to God to reach different goals. This is why I am not a judgmental person. <

8:51 PM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Pain: Inspired by Lena

Why do we feel the need for self-induced pain, a promise of pain, or simply seek the pleasures of fake joy?  Why must we ALL to some degree and in different ways do this to ourselves?  WHY?  I do it too!  WHY?  Isn't life already painful enough?  Are we steering down ditch and then let go of the steering wheel because we're going to crash anyways?  Why don't we ever try to minimize the pain? Why does it always have to be a BOOM.  Why do we have to overdo something to get rid of it?  I do this shit when I work towards a goal.  Why do YOU do it?

4:14 PM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Multiple Persons

Don't half way give your heart out and don't withdraw either.  Give it out completely but be VERY careful, VERY choosy, and VERY VERY uncompromising with your values.  NEVER doubt yourself.  Everything I predicted that would happen with certain people happened.  Everything I never wanted to give up is destroying me.  But it was the only way that I was going to get away from my attachment towards myself.  I am not intimidated.  I am not angry.  I simply made bad investments and it's not like they're ever going to directly understand.  It's like I even want them to understand.  It simply just means that my strategy of detaching myself from myself through compromising myself did not work.  So man, I hate gambles.  I hate risks.  I feel hurt, demoted, and rejected.  But I will not be destroyed.  FUCKERS!

7:20 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Cool Personality Test

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp

9:23 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Okay Guys

How come children from Katy, Tx are so pretty?  It doesn't make sense.  I was looking at this 8th grade group picture and every single one of them looked not only completely grown but all dolled up like as if they were all the hottest "high school looking" kids on the planet.  What the hell?  When I was in 8th grade I had scratches all over myself and my hair a wreck and looked like I was ready to go hunting.  I mean for reaaal tho.  LOL

5:54 PM - 89 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment