The Trapdoor

I hate camping. It's dirty and there is a lack of technology that I find unpleasant. That said, you might understand why I started drinking as soon as I got to the cabin this year. Drink in hand, I slipped away from the unpacking and preparation and began the saying 'hi' to all process. I ended up settling at the main cabin's bonfire (there are officially three cabins at this point). With an orange glow warming these koldd bones, I sat and conversed with an uncle. It wasn't long before I overheard my name.

"Koldd will do it."

It was Sharon's (who at this point would be yelling at a woman with a paper bag on her head) twin sister. We'll call her Sharlene. She was talking about some light being on and a trapdoor. When she officially caught my attention, we were waking away from the fire.

When I first heard 'trapdoor' I immediately thought of the Evil Dead movies and the infamous root cellar. Sharlene went on to explain that 'the' trapdoor was open and a light was on beyond it. My job was to turn off the light. That would be where the dead lady attacks and kills me…. BUT, the dead lady is in a different cabin. I figured I would be fine.

Now I was thinking it was the cellar entrance in the kitchen floor. That would have been no big deal.

That wasn't the case.

Sharlene takes me to the dark side of the cabin where I see a shaft of light piercing the black, tree-encroached yard. The trapdoor is outside…. I should never have thought about a horror flick. At that point, I was running over the situation in my head. I got pulled away from a party in the woods, by someone I trust. I've seen that movie too. Death should be a heartbeat or two away. Sharlene pointed to the trap door.

Trapdoor is a pretty fancy word for what I was working with. It was little more than a square plug (that was missing) at ground level on the side of the building. Sure enough, there was a light on inside a glorified crawl space. Sharlene proceeds to tell me that I have to turn out the light and seal up the entrance so kids don't get hurt…. Um… what about me getting hurt?

I guide my legs in and then my arms to get some leverage to pull myself down. My hands sink into a veil of webbing….. a story I heard once flashes in my mind. An uncle and a couple of friends were down there once doing some work when one saw a softball sized spider. Two of the guys fled while my uncle grabbed an old claw hammer and began bludgeoning the arachnid. After the chaos, they looked with all they had, but never found the spider's body….. GREAT. I've seen this movie too! I go down there and the mutant, super-pissed spider snares me. Then I'm but a juice box for the eight-legged menace.

FUCK IT! I slip down there with an ample amount of work. I could barely get my shoulders through, but eventually I'm crouched below the cabin, moving toward the light.

I grab the string and am just about to pull it when I pause. I hadn't really thought this through. I'm deep in a tight hole strewn with jabbed slabs of wood and shards of rusty nails. With a quick tug, I was enveloped by darkness in the hazard filled environment.

I really should have brought a flashlight.

2:01 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sharon vs. the township of Wausaukee

A woman from Chicago walks into a small Wisconsin town's tavern. Inside she finds a few of her relatives, a loud band and vats of alcohol. Before long she notices the woman with a paper bag on her head. Yes, there were eye and mouth holes. I don't know why she had the bag on her head. I wasn't there. Time continues to slip by, as it's prone to do.

The woman from Chicago (Sharon) learns that the woman under the bag is her brother's ex-wife. Filled with liquid courage and that sweet, crisp country air, the city girl decides to confront the bag lady. The love between siblings can be strong and irrational. Suddenly Sharon is letting the bag (August) know exactly what she thinks. I should probably mention that August is much younger than Sharon and from the dusty town. The bag flips. Little August starts flappin' and cluckin' and spouting some nonsense (yup, I'm bias…. I love my Aunt Sharon). Sharon looks at this young bitch and just throws up a finger (THE finger) and a quick, "Fuck you."

August goes critical!

It's around that time that Enzy (Sharon's husband) decides that they should go. As he leads Sharon out, he looses the specifics of Augusts rant, but he hears Sharon plain as day.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you," barked in a mocking tone with the finger still accentuating each 'fuck'.  Enzy gets her to the car and looks back to see most of the bar following them, lead by a woman with a bag on her fucking head. I'm sure, pitchforks were being found and torches lit around that point. Hopping behind the wheel, Enzy suddenly had the bag thrusting in his window screaming curses at his wife. To which Sharon replied with her award winning argument, "Fuck you."

With that done, it was time to go… pedestrians be damned… Enzy drove away from the mob saying, "Jesus Sharon, You had the whole fucking town after you. I'm the one that's supposed to start the fights."

I'm told he didn't hit… I mean hurt, anyone driving from the bar. Oh! And they left J.P. (my cousin who is also from Chicago) alone there. That's another story.

1:45 PM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

An explanation of things to come
Category: Life

The Gathering of 2008 is over for me now.

The Gathering, as it has been dubbed, has always been The Reunion to my generation. It's on Labor Day weekend every year, on the same spot for, shit, well over 5 decades and is every reason to keep breathing day in and day out.

A few of us lucky souls have family reunions. I understand that, to some, this type of situation is painful or reason enough to use the, " um... my foot really hurts. I can't go." excuse. Not me. This is the time to gather (probably why the name changed) together and reinforce what family should mean. A long time ago, an immigrant from Finland came to America and created my Irish family.  Thriving in the city of Chicago we somehow found a slice of Wisconsin's north to call our own. Deep in the hostile woodlands we found something special. The reason we do it. The reason people need to keep going.

The celebration is simple. First you say 'hi' to everyone. Yes, everyone. That sounds easy, doesn't it? The immigrant had at least four daughters and two sons. Why do I say at least? Well, I'll admit, I forget the hierarchy. I'm in a unique situation. I'm the only person that doesn't remember living around any family members. The others all live in and around each other. Thus, I get to be objective.  What was I talking about? Yes! Saying 'hi' There can be easily dozens of people doing various things in outlandish ways at any time of day or night. After you've greeted everyone, you join in the randomness, become intoxicated and eat.

I've mentioned to some how much of an inspiration this particular weekend always seems to be for me. I've even blogged about it before in a profile I broke. If you keep fallowing me with this, you're going to understand. I'm just going to focus on this one. We're not going to get into the time J.P. ran over my ankle with a trailer pulled by a lawnmower, Red and Steven driving Red's brother-in-laws van through the firepit or the time I saw my sweet, religious grandmother bark at a biker three times her size and shut his surly ass up.  This will be about this gathering. A simple Friday to Sunday stint (I was forced to leave early due to obligations out of my control) filled with events and stories I couldn't make up if I tried.

My aunt Sharon vs. the town of Wausaukee, J.P. hitchhiking, the tractor story, my doppleganger and Ottis's 37 doves are just a few of tales you have to look forward to.

I'm sure no one was expecting this… I know I wasn't…

This year I was taking notes.

6:07 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Question Thing

This is where I want it. Just think... we could all laugh, cry and learn together... make new friends... make fun of Koldd... it could be great.

But will it work?
Let's see if anyone notices.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask.

11:08 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Koldd on love.
Current mood: focused

Love is warm and comforting, it brings a child-like excitement. Love makes you do stupid things and take credit for every silly decision. Love hurts. True love can torture you with the "What if's". Love humbles the mighty and elevates the meek to the dreadful heights of the haughty. Love will cover you in rice pudding and giggle when you slip while looking for the duck sauce. Love will cause compassion to break a koldd heart. Love makes the future less scary. Love has a knack to find and intensify passion. Love can make us all better people. Love may very well be the meaning of life.

It's too bad that every coin has another side.

6:05 AM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Koldd on war.

Agression... the dark side of the human condition.

War is another of the somethings that will never change. As long as people have different ideas and the lack of vision to allow others to have their own opinion, there will be war. It sucks. If you've ever dealt with death, you know. War is death... and population control.

So let's get out there and start shooting people until the rivers flow red with the blood of free thinkiners. We can club third world residents like we do the baby seals and those shifty Irish gypsies.

It's a koldd world in which we live.

8:54 AM - 3 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Koldd on prostitution.

Bet you were excited to read this. Wow... sucks that I didn't actually do it yet. But I will... the question is when.
I love being a tease.

Alright... here it is. Remember, I like being succinct.
If someone wants to fuck for money, why stop 'em?  Because it's morally reprehensable? Whatever. So is politics.

I guess that wasn't good enough. I am a lot of things, but a disappointment isn't one of them. What can I really say about prostitution? Is it morally reprehensible? That depends on your morals. I don't know any prostitutes nor anyone that admits to requiring their services. How can I really give an informed opinion on the subject? Someone made a point that will remove this veil of mystery.... research.
Anyone have the number of a good hooker?

6:51 AM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

The Aquarian King on blogging.
Current mood: jedi

I like the idea of blogging, but I never have anything to say. No, that's not true. I always have something to say. But I never have a topic. You see, it's hard to single something out when you know a little bit about everything.

This is where you come in... give me a topic. Anything. I'll blog about it. I promise.

7:20 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s just Myspace
Current mood: uncomfortable

Please, I beg you. RELAX!!!
It's just text from a humble Midwestern boy. It's in no way a invitatioin, proposition, offer, threat, promise, proposal, advancement, solicitation, request or anything that may make you feel slighted in any way. If you can't handle the dynamics of this relationship, back away now.

6:19 AM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Halloween thing

And here they are.... your costume ideas...
This is going to keep growing until I feel I have them all... you subscribers get a sneak peak.

*In no particular order*

-I can tell you how to be a zombie
- Leatherface
- Frank-N-Furter, hehe.
-A TISSUE BOX THAT SAYS BLOW ME :}
-I think you should get the "Down for the Count" costume ... it's hilarious ... a Count Dracula costume up top with the pants looking like you've dropped your pants to the ankles and it comes with it's own blow up doll that looks like she's giving you a blow job!
- Drag queen. You can add fire to the rumors. ;)
----- be the picture i made you be for the bet:P
-dracula
-Here are my favorites... funny they seem to go along with a theme... hmmm... ;-)

Clark Kent/Superman Reversable

8:22 AM - 13 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment