All the maybes
Current mood: bummed

I always seem to say the wrong thing, though I am very hard on myself to do the opposite. I have always thought of myself as someone who doesn't care what other people think, status wise, rather I care what people think as far as my friendship goes. I have always wanted people to think I was a good person, and to know that I am there for you, no matter who ya are. I guess therein lies my confusion and frustration. Maybe I worry too much about that. I try to treat my friends all the same. But latley, I find myself exploding and then feeling like an asshole about it shortly after. I am a fan of thinking before you speak, but sometimes, even when you think, its the wrong thing. I feel like I am just trying to be honest, and work things out in the long run, and I would want to same done to me, but it seems I would accept it differently than would anyone else. Maybe I give too many chances. I feel like I am going crazy, but they say, if you think you're crazy, you're probably not. But how does that work? I would hate to swim a lap in a truley crasy persons mind, if mine is as tiresome as it is. Maybe I am crazy, and I have convinced myself of the truth in that saying for some confort. Ahey yey yey! It comes and goes. I finally understand things for the most part, but it seems that to understand them means you accept the constant state of confusion, ironically. Life really is a crazy mess. I can see where people get bitter. Not in the cliche way that it happens in the movies, but in a series of very small agitating events. Maybe its all in my head, and they say mind over matter, but if I can't get over the hump, then its still a problem, and that makes it matter. Maybe I'm just an asshole.

8:39 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Ode to Lucinda
Current mood: nostalgic

Many break downs, some overheats, a wreck, and a flood later, she is gone.  Lucinda, my  Honda Accord, and the worst car I've ever known, finally was driven by me for the last time.  I made it a point that I didn't say my goodbyes while we ventured to the car lot together, in fear she would lose it before I even got there.  I did say it properly, though.  I hope she makes a good car for the next person who buys her, though the odds don't look good.  I drove off in Suzi, my new (to me) 2006 Suzuki Forenza (I know, I'd never heard of it either) and didn't look back at her.  Ironically, it made me a little sad to think of our departure....we did have some good times and hard lessons together.  I made a deal with my new buddy, Suzi, "I'll take care of you, you take care of me."  I hope we're clear on that. 

D.I.P (hopefully not R.I.P), Lucinda  2005-2008

5:50 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Car and Her Own Mind
Current mood: Annoyed as hell.

My car, Lucinda, is NOT an inanimate object.  People may think I’m crazy, that’s OK, though, because I am assured otherwise.  Lucinda thinks on her own, and she HATES me.  I have had some "Little Green Man" occurances lately.  He gave me a break, but just a small one.  I have had this car for over 2 years.  Its a Honda, but its been a bitch to me for so long.  I finally found a new car, we’ll call her Dorathy, and I love her and shes an ’07.  The day I was supposed to get her, I said my goodbyes to Lucinda as I drove to the car lot.  I was sure it was the last time we would drive together.  OFCOURSE, though, it didn’t work out.  Mom couldn’t cosign for me, and no one else offered.  The car is still there, and my Dad promises hope that I will get it.  However, the day I got back in Lucinda, it was as if she laughed, "You’re stuck with me!"  Now, her transmission is acting funny, but I had mentioned on the phone driving yesterday that I was going to put her in the paper to sell today.  She knew she had to act quickley.  She overheated, she did exactly what we paid $1500 to fix last month.  She hates me, I hate her.  The day that I do finally say my final goodbye, IF it EVER does happen, my happiness will be undescribable.

3:56 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

HALLOWEEN and my dentist appointment...and an update.
Current mood: calm

When I was just a young doe, I watched Halloween and thus it was initiated as my first fear provoked horror film.  I had followed the series as they came out and was always entertained and a little on edge.  Though lots of people didn't like Halloween H20, I did.  There was something still original about it.  However, when Resurrection came out, I was disgusted.  My friend Derrick and I were both pissed and dissapointed that Laurie Strode died and that Busta Rhymes was a part time successor.  Tit for tat, the movie bit the big one.  Imagine my excitement when I heard of Rob Zombie's rendition.  Yes, I was leary.  I figured he might use his usual tasteless, quirky, insane kind of scarey (though still entertaining) to pull off this classic.  However, after watching it, we should tip our hats to Mr. Monster himself.  He did a spectacular job.  Sure, he changed around some stuff, but he also highlighted the important messages and the same feel as the original.  Rob's got my support. 

Now, the dentist.  The dreaded, Godforsaken dentist. My tooth became abcessed over this passed year and began to feel almost like a toothache in combination with a severe inner ear infection.  It was a doozy.  I was referred by my friend Katie and Long to try out Dr. Robey (sp?) Crowe.  I have never felt so comfortable in a dentist's office in all my life.  I recommend him to anyone who has the tooth terrrors. 

I have had a pretty good day, winter is peaking in, though.  We'll see how it goes.

*Oh, but wait, I watched the unedited version:  not quite as good.  The language was not so much needed and frankly, I was a little offended by the sexual references that blotted all throughout this version.  Seriously dissapointing!

4:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Can't Go Back There
Current mood: awake

I thought about not praying before I slept last night, I felt bad until I remembered that God is strong enough to take it.  I tried to focus on the comfort of this blanket and the bed I was in, the combination was the ultimate commericial for satisfying sleep.  Still, I lay there, angry, and I cried.  Maybe I just need a good cry, its been a while.  I balanced myself out and started praying.  Too many open ended realizations all at once can make a person a little disoriented.  I talked to God and soon was able to fall asleep.  I woke up to find out that things are only getting better.  I have to learn to let myself be happy.

10:16 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

This Afternoon
Current mood: cold
Category: Life

I stood out on the porch and smoked a cigarette. 
Its so cold outside, yet there's no snow.
I try not to notice things like that,
they are angering.
My fingers ache a little, I squeeze them towards me.
Its 4 in the afternoon.
This time of winter, and at this hour, the sun is powerful
in what it affects.
The shadows almost transform.
The sun is country, the kind you see behind the fields neighbor.
A barn and the sun, its like childhood.
I look at the lattice on the fence, the sun is dominant here.
I look at how the sun creates a shadow to mimic the lattice.
They are parallels of one another.
It was art. I saw it that way for a while.
The checkers switched places with the spaces between.
They were they're own composition.
The shadow was perfect. As all have shadows, all have odd mosaics.
Such an effortless intelligence the sun has.

 

Here comes another problem.....
I thought I was solving it, however, I just added another same difference.
I have to make it right, I know I am the only one who will.
Only, I don't know that I want it back to normal.
I am kind of "free" like this.
But my conscious threatens me.
And I am influenced to repair.

4:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Without the Music
Current mood: peaceful

The rain was falling down creating a hallucination like that of the snow when I realized I would like to see a few flurries sometime this year.

1:51 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Plummeting of Faith in Humanity
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

I woke up the morning after Christmas to the statement that my car was nowhere on the street.  I laughed in disbelief and then realized that the statement was true.  My car had been stolen.  Luckily, after calling the cops, I found my car 2 streets over in Twin Lakes.  I would have been entirely relieved, but when I got in I realized my CD player and my video camera had both been jacked.  According to the cop, there were 5 other car thefts in that same region that same night.  Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am a girl of significance and the things I own mean a lot to me.  I got that video camera as a gift one year.  For a very long time, I won't have the money to buy another one.  It just pisses me off so bad to know that just because people are low lives with no values and not enough self worth to work for their own things they have to steal from others. Just thought I would warn everybody that suburbia isn't the safety net its assumed to be....

1:04 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

In the Bath
Current mood: gloomy
Category: Life

3:31 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Ode to Andy
Current mood: sleepy

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m127/mel143p/IMG_0006.jpg

Click that link....Look Familiar?  Most of us probably know him as the guy who looks at you with those little, innocent, guilt inducing eyes as you stumble, wasted, into the Shell station on Frederica street.  It sounds cheesy, but I saw and see him as a friend that went through a whole summer of growing up with me.  This summer was a significant one for me, I found out lots of things about life and friends, and how the two both reflected and repelled one another.  Many bad moods and broken hearts were seen by Andy this summer.  Many cigarettes he sold me.  Too many nights I went in angry, and instead of just doing his job and selling me my items, Andy asked me how I was doing, and genuinly wanted to know.  If I was doing bad, he found ways to relate and tell me what to do.  If I was doing good, he wanted to know what made my night.  Andy made an imprint on my life and showed me how difference can be so similiar.  Andy lived in India and also in Philidelphia before living here in Owensboro.  He was paid a lump sum to work at our local Shell.  Of all the places in not only the US, but the world Andy could have ended up, luckily, we got him.  I had heard all summer about Andy's fiancee, and often inquired about this with a friend and Andy over the phone.  I never expected there would be a day when I would go in the Shell and 2 in the morning to get my cigarettes and my fountain DP and not see andy standing behind the counter.  Andy let me know about a week ago, that he was moving back to India in 5 days.  Without Andy, the late nights and early mornings aren't the same.  Sure, his replacement is friendly, but he is no Andy.  Andy and I exchanged e-mail addresses and I wish him the best of luck in his marriage.  Meeting someone like him in such a random circumstance shows me that the best people are where you least expect them: be loving to everyone, you never know who you'll miss out on.

2:27 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment