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15 Second Reviews Home
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
And now...your 15 second movie reviews...
Hancock:: He's a drunk and kind of a dick..but he's also super powered and compelled to chase down the bad guys and help the helpless. Unfortunately, the city is in the way. Watch Will Smith act his ass off in a film that probably didn't deserve it, and PULL IT OFF!! Cinematography and effects are also top notch, making this a somber, heart filled good time. WAL E:: It's amazing that a movie with probably 10 pages of spoken words can be funnier, more entertaining, more cleaver and just plain better than most other films made this year with REAL PEOPLE!!! Bow your heads in shame Hollywood. You just dun got served by a little busted robot. Eat it. Wanted:: OK, you can "bend" a bullet and flip a car. What else ya got? Here's a movie with people who supposedly can do super human assassiny things and they don't show them doing much of anything beyond dying. "Flying Guillotines" was more fun to watch and "Equilibrium" was a better example of killing carried off as an art form. The Incredible Hulk:: Marvel says they are sorry for the old chubby Hulk and makes a list of everything you wanted to see in a Hulk movie, then dumped it into this one. Tons of geek nods, top notch acting, the perfect ratio of hulking out to Banner drama and super cute Liv, who I am biased about because she flirted with me. I'll own it. The Happening:: I will save you some time. The twist is that they made a fucking movie about people RUNNING FROM THE WIND!!!! They also made a movie that turns good actors bad. There you go. 10 second review. Kung Fu Panda:: Anyone who complains Jack Black is a little too fucking much in movies will be able to handle the goofy cartoony panda version of him. Funny, action packed and eternally dorky cartoons are my favorite flavor. Take your friend's kids or say screw it and take a date! BEWARE the Wooshi finger hold!!! The Strangers:: Someone got it right. You set a tone, insert sudden jolts of action, sound and music and watch the audience fly out of their seats. Be prepared for the first movie in a long time where THE JUMP SCARES WORK!!! Effective creep fests make me damn proud. Go see it! Sex and the City:: Somewhere in hell there is a room where they will show this movie with 200 deleted scenes re-attached like some glorious female empowered lord of the rings with fashion junkie tendencies. I have lived through a similar horror. I have seen the boobies. They did not ease the pain...but fans might like it. The Fall:: A super sweet film about a little Spanish girl befriending a suicidal American stuntman who tells her a story of heroes out to settle a score with some evil guy. It's funny and sad and beautiful to watch, as you'd expect from the guy who made "The Cell." Do your best to find this playing near you! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:: Indy teams up with a greaser named Mutt and the girl from the first movie to find and return a crystal skull with brain fucking powers, back to it's original home...but the Russkies want it too! REALLY wanted to love this one but while funny and fun at times, it's just missing something. You'll see it anyways. Narnia 2: Prince Caspian:: Chello..my name is Prince Caspian. Pepare to die. Bad acting + minotaurs, satyrs, dwarves, centaurs, griffens and a whole zoo's worth of animals....all doing mostly nothing for an entire movie. Didn't we do this the first time? Lame part 2. Speed Racer:: More colors and flashing lights than that acid trip you had when you were tied to a chair in Teletubbies land and they threw Oompa Loompas at your head. This movie has a lot of heart and keeps you locked in, making the 2+ hours fly by. Sad that 5 seconds of film stop it from being kid safe!! VERY dumb move. The Cottage:: Three fairly inept Brits kidnap the daughter of a mob boss and stumble around as we, the audience, wait for the starter gun to sound, turning this into a 200 mile an hour horror masterpiece. Fun, funny, bloody and packed with some original kills..all my favorite flavors! Iron Man:: Get ready for full body geek-gasm!!! The Iron Man movie is a marvel zombie's wet dream, packed with nods to future story lines, marvel universe references and a post credit surprise that is almost better than the whole fucking movie. The most perfect comic film ever made. No lie. Paranormal Activity:: I'd always asked the question...with a nation of people spoiled by modern special effects and cgi buggery, could a very low tech ghost story relying on tension, light and sound scare the bejezus out of you? The answer is HELL YES..so let's hope you get to see this instant sleeper in the next year.
88 Minutes:: When I get older, I want hair like Al Pacino which feeds off the hearts of orphan children. Not so cleaver little murder mystery with an annoying killer stalking Pacino who doesn't seem to give a shit. The awkwardness also might make this the funniest film of the year. Not intentionally, natch. Prom Night:: Explain a horror film to me that makes you feel sorry for an emo pedephilic male killer? Bad acting, bad story telling, bad directing, no tension, no scares among 15 jump attempts, not a fucking DROP of blood spilled on the floor when he goes all stabby..and not one reason to see this film! Doomsday:: Escape from New York meets Mad Max. The world is on the brink of destruction from a virus and only a survivor from the forbidden zone holds the cure. Enter hot kung fu turbo chick and her team who battle killer cannibal punks and ...medieval knights? Odd...but fun. The Ruins:: Good looking kids wander into the jungle in search of a temple tourists don't visit...BECAUSE IT EATS PEOPLE!!! OK it doesn't eat people but something in the temple does and the natives make sure the kids don't take it back into the world with them. Fucking TENSE movie that will keep your heart racing! Run Fat Boy Run:: Simon Pegg makes a ginormous leap, playing a poor slacker shlub who isn't so smooth with the ladies but still tends to get the girl. QUITE THE STRETCH! At any rate, funny as fuck in all the wrong ways of course. See it right quick if you can find it playing near you! Horton Hears a Who:: Big fat psycho elephant travels across the jungle to deliver a microscopic world to a safer location. Trippy, action packed and oddly funny, and not in a totally kiddy way! There's even a moment when the film turns Anime on ya!! This is pixar written by dorks. Yay.
In Bruges:: All women need to know is Colin Farrell speaks in a thick Irish accent. All men need to know is he has zero impulse control and is a hit man. Guns, accents and 100 pounds of sarcasm make for quality family fun. The perfect date movie!!
Rambo:: The malicious mumbler is back, this time as an introspective, tormented man who can't stand to see more helpless people die. Hey wait! That's what the character was supposed to be in the first place!! Amazingly, Rambo kicks mighty ass and is shockingly gory at the same time. Yay for me...and flying body parts.
No Country for Old Men:: Let's begin by renaming this "No Time for Old Texans a'talkin'. If you enjoy uncomfortable silences, awkward glances, useless characters and "quaint" country conversations, than this movie, chock full o southern folksyness, is for you. Not for me. For you.
Cloverfield:: Eye candy galore wrapped around a human story of friends and love. Watch American military forces go head to head with a Godzillatastic giant baddie. It's Signs with a better pay off and more logic and Shaun of the Dead with monsters replacing the zed word. It kicks mighty ass!! Instant cult classic.
Aliens Vs Predator 2:: OK. When you go to sleep after your night of drinking thunderbird with classy friends, awaken the next morning and stand straight up, flinging the curtains wide and stare directly into the sun. As soon as your eyes water, rub them, pressing down until you see patterns and then shake your head in a circular motion so the world in front of you is blurry and spotted. You have just seen AVP 2. Thank you.
The Bucket List:: This is not the story of two old codgers hamming it up like grumpiest old men 2: electric boogaloo. Everything I loved about Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" is here, tempered by the good natured character of Morgan Freeman. AMAZING acting from both guys and though it hit a little close to home, you won't be able to not love this film. This is not an old people movie!!
One Missed Call:: CGI spookies abound as another Japanese import is whitified (pronounced whitey fied). A stoney faced girl sets out to find out why her friends keep getting offed by cell phone monsters. Can you hear me now? AAAAAG!!! It's a little spooky and a little silly and will scare the shite out of your favorite cheerleader. The normals will love it.
I Am Legend:: I guess I've become cynical with regards to big horror movies but I have to say, this was WAY better than I thought it would be! Will Smith acts his ass off, even when it's at a gumbified CGI monster man. See this on the big screen while you can..might lose something on DVD.
Paranormal Activity:: I'd always asked the question...with a nation of people spoiled by modern special effects and cgi buggery, could a very low tech ghost story relying on tension, light and sound scare the bejezus out of you? The answer is HELL YES..so let's hope you get to see this instant sleeper in the next year.
The Mist:: Intense, creepy and very real while at the same time, ultra fantastical. This is as much a tale of the human animal turning on itself as it is about monsters unleashed on a sleepy little town. This is the horror movie you need to run out and see.
Fred Claus:: After getting half way through this movie, we decided Vince Vaughn could play himself in a series of movies like..Vince Vaughn vs Jaws or Vince saves Mars. Anyway, funny stuff and not entirely depressing as most new holiday movies seem to like to be! Little guys in pixie shoes...still funny.
The Tripper:: This is how I describe it to people I first meet. Ronald Reagan..in the woods...with an axe...killing hippies. Do you really need more than that to go rent this crazy fucking movie? If so, how are we friends?
Saw 4:: This one is a little all over the place, but will go down as the bloodiest one yet. It's a saw movie, so you've got to like the series to dig this one as well. The twist at the end left me scratching my head. You're reaching guys!!
30 Days of Night:: I've thought long and hard on this and yes, THIS is the greatest, most vicious and unrelenting vampire film ever made. No pretense..no rock and roll mentality..just balls out horror at 90 miles an hour. Steve Niles is a happy happy man tonight!
The Orphanage:: Ok i'm on a gush roll, but this movie is the scariest ghost story since the changeling. I took a girl with me who is the most hard core horror fan i know and in the middle of times square, she was still creeped the fuck out. Amazing stuff!! Let's hope it gets a wide release.
The Seeker:: Is it a UK fantasy movie, a kid's action adventure or a bad acid trip?? Yes on all counts. The cinematographer seemed to be rolling on acid, the visuals would terrify my 3 year old nephew and there was so little character development, you really didn't care about anyone in the film. Just another case of too much, too fast and no heart.
Heartbreak Kid:: From the creators of Something About Mary..if someone cut their balls off and had them agree to not putting their own brand of quirky humor over the wole deal. This is a sub par "laugh at their misfortune" kind of film with Ben Stiller who's character is kind of a dick, so you don't even get to feel sorry for him! Look for your comedy "shocks" somewhere else.
Resident Evil: Extinction:: Oh the naked Millas. Where do they all come from? The world is dirt and zombies and Milla walks through it like Tetsuo from Akira. It's not True Romance but it's a hell of a lot more interesting than the last installment. Still no major monsters though!!! Baa.
Shoot Em Up:: Have you ever said to yourself, yes, I love movies with 50000 bullets flying, but what I really want to see is a bad ass Brit kill several people with a carrot. Yea, Me Too!!! The most fun i've had in a movie in a long time. Turn your brain off and enjoy the carnage, a sex scene in the middle of a gun fight and..oh I had you at carrot....
The Simpsons:: You were all saying the same thing to me and I answered before you asked. Yes, the TV show hasn't been funny for a long time. No, the movie really DOES kick ass! This movie is damn funny and primarily, you should go to see things the Simpsons characters aren't allowed to do on TV. That alone is worth the price of admission. Spider-Pig..Spider-Pig...Does whatever a spider-pig does...
The Bourne Ultimatum:: There's something about Matt Damon kicking ass for 2 hours that never gets old. Maybe it's the fact that he's not on wires doing bad looking kung fu. This is barebones, military style, old school ass kicking. The Bourne movies all contain this simplicity and I'd probably keep watching up til the titles become The Bourne Constipation and The Bourne Septagenarian. MATT DAMON!!
Hair Spray:: You will call me gay now. I'm a gay homosexual who went to see Hairspray at 1 in the morning but shit, it had me at John Travolta in a female fat suit! While John didn't really deliver, this John Waters musical sure did. It's fun, funny and a little fucked up. My three favorite f words. Take your girl and pretend it was her idea.
Transformers:: Just when you thought Spider-Man 3 was the worst movie of the summer...along comes a giant robo movie with jokes, hot chicks and breakdancing autobots. I fell asleep 6 times. Any movie that turns John Tuturo into a freaking joke needs to be rethought, rewritten and RE-FUCKING-SHOT. Very, very lame. Mr. Bay, you've got issues.
Postal:: Mark this date on your calendar because you'll always remember this as the day Paul nomad said these words. Uwe Boll is a comic genius. YEA! I'm shocked too!! It's the funniest movie I've seen all damn year. Unfortunately the MPAA is going to hack it to bits, so let's see what scraps they leave behind for you to enjoy. Good luck man!!!!
Sunshine:: Generally, when you've been waiting close to a year for a movie to come out, it can't possibly live up to your expectations. Holy shit I was so wrong. Danny Boyle delivers a movie so beautifully shot, so perfectly scored and all at once, pretty damn creepy. See this movie the second it hits your town.
Hostel 2:: Sick sick sick. eli is one sick puppy and we love him for it. This movie is a whole new planet full of people that wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire...unless you paid them. lots of blood..multi tiered story line..alternate viewpoints and a nice, fast pace make this a damn good time. My one complaint...way too much cock.
Oceans 13:: Fun fucking movie. While the second film was cluttered with spectacle and got caught up in its own self importance, the third sticks to great writing, fun back and forth between characters, well placed characters, a breakneck pace and lots of humor. Go see it.
Pirates 3:: Holy crap theres a lot going on in this film. Take ALL the characters from the first movie...and ALL the characters from the second movie and add the other 7 pirate kings and their crews..plus Jack's dad....and it's still pretty damn fun!! Be warned though, it feels about half as long as it is..which is still too long. 3 freaking hours. I had a good time anyway.
Spider-Man 3:: From the man who brought you dancing Hercules and singing Xena somes...pelvic thrusting, bar dancing, west side story fighting Peter Parker!!! Lets have a hand for the man. In Spider-man 4 i'm sure he'll have nipples and a cod piece. Jesus. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE???!!! I think it's time for a new director to step in and reign things in a little before they go MORE over the top. HUGE let down.
28 Weeks Later:: The first film had a sort of dreamlike quality to it that would lul you until the Rage victims showed up. This movie goes quiet...then psychotic. Then it gets optimistic...then completely psychotic...and the blood doesn't stop spraying until the very end. If your only complaint about 28 days was it was too Indie Movie like, then you'll dig this one. Pretty bloody stuff!
Pathfinder:: Flawed concept. Fully armored Vikings with metal weapons and shields vs Native Americans? Total slaughter. What's his face from Lord of the Rings couldn't cary this film alone and it was all pretty damn silly. Nice appearance by The Kurgan though! RAMIREZZZZZZZZZ.
The Reaping:: Flawed concept number twoooo. How do you base a horror movie on a series of plauges that include gnats and frogs??? I'm not talking giant man eating frogs that come into your house and try to rape your lady either. Normal F R O G S. Blaa. Hillary swank needs an agent who will get her better movies.
Meet the Robinsons:: SO MUCH FUN!! It's like it was created by any number of retarded friends I have, packed with random humor and the most stereotypical bad guy ever...for the 1920s!! He's not too smart either. He ruled. If you get the opportunity, see it in 3D..cuz..you know..3D rules too.
300:: Holy shit this movie is fun! It's like Brooklyn VS Canada and France together!! 300 of the most badass men Sparta has to offer go head to head with an army that seems to be without end. Blood flies, limbs rain down like snow and the Spartans laugh through it all. It's all shot so beautifully, you'll forget the carnage is supposed to make you cringe! This one's a keeper.
Zodiac:: Snooooore. The first hour of this movie kept me happy with offbeat humor and some kills that made me sit up and go WOA..but then all the funny stopped, all the characters making the funny went away and it deteriorated into Gyllenhaal running around in the rain, banging on doors going I HAVE A CLUUUUE!!! I fought to stay awake just to do the review for Dread Central. I should have given in.
Happy Feet:: What happens when you take a movie about a little tone deaf penguin finding his place among his people and throw in social commentary and russian probaganda-like film clips of black and white people yelling at each other? You get a movie that made poor lil Clarissa turn to me and go..."What the fuck are we watching? This is retarded." The girl never curses. The movie could have ended about 45 minutes earlier. Nuff said.
The Return:: Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her pouty lip a work out in this jumpy, slow, flashback fest where you spend an entire movie trying to figure out what the hell is going on, along with the star of the movie. IRONY! Go watch Sponge Bob the movie on Mute and it'll have the same effect...and you'll laugh more...on purpose. Don't look for scares here. It can be argued that all the ghosts in the commercials were hallucinations. Meh.
Borat:: Holy shit. I saw it for free and I still wanted something back when I got out. If I wanted to watch two hairy guys pretend to fuck each other naked in a hotel room....I would have gone to a completely different theater. yeesh. I kept waiting for the funny stuff to happen. It never came. Of course this movie made 7 mill or something rediculous like that. Most of the movies I hate do.
XXXorcist:: Ground breaking!! hehe. This film is like 3 of your drunk friends deciding they are going to make porn. You kinda want to see the girls naked, but it's not sexy. It IS funny as hell though. Every time things start to get a little hot, green stuff sprays from an orrifice. That will put a squash on your self love real quick. The dvd comes in a two disk set with THREE different endings!! You have to own this movie. Amazing. Welcome to the future.
2:41 AM
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