i woke up at five o'clock this morning. no idea why. i went to bed at a decent time last night and wasn't drunk when i did. i couldn't for the life of me figure it out. fifteen minutes after scrolling through the tv stations, i had a revelation...
ladies and gentlemen, i present you with hip hop abs. holy shit. this product would solve several of my immediate concerns...
number one: my lack of abs. well, that's a half problem. i have ab muscles... they've all just decided to hang out in one area. and being the leader of a rock band (<-- not a true statement) i've got to look good on stage shirtless: or... that's me playing rock band at brian and trevor's the other night... mostly sober. and i KILLED it singing "don't fear the reaper" by blue oyster cult. probably didn't even need the words on screen, i'm that good.
number two: my inability to dance. the few times that ladies have coerced me out on to a dance floor, i think that i remind myself of seth rogen doing the "dice thing" from knocked up: same thing... but, you know, without all the jew.
number three: my lifelong dream is to be part of usher's dance crew. but, and this is just what i've heard from applying eleven or twelve times, i keep getting told that i need to look a little more "athletic" and have some more "bling". the bling i can take care of (human resources administrator, what?!)... need some help with the muscles, though.
okay... i've outlined my concerns. done and done. but a huge problem looms large on the horizon: how am i not going to bust my ass doing this? and i mean that in the most literal sense. the man writing this is the same man who was known to fall off of the occasional roof/ladder when he was at the window doctor, mind you. balance? nope, i ain't got it, despite what these masculine male balerina's legs might indicate. i've been told i have very nice ankles.
there needs to be a white man's version of Hip Hop Abs. i think i'm gonna invent my own version... maybe call it SoftRockAbs. instead of using doodoodoodedoo music (you know... the kind with unkaunkaunkas and beedeebeedeebeeps in it), it'll be all dan fogelberg songs. shit! can you imagine what my obliques would look like after four or five loops of "the leader of the band"? i'd drive the ladies cuh-razy!
i know what i'm doing this weekend... all i need is to find a video camera and get some licensing rights. i'm sure mr. fogelberg's estate would be down.
i've been on a massive cataloguing-of-my-photos kick as of late. also, i'm sitting at my desk waiting for a couple of phone calls before i can call it "quits" for the day. it's been a hell of a day... that drive home yesterday and the fact that i've been swamped here (until about 15 minutes ago or so) really kicked my ass. at least i'm not wearing a suit. that might be the end of me.
anyway... the photos.
i've found some photos from tours past and have been putting them up. i know that there are many more out there from the years... if anybody has some that they'd like to send my way, i'd appreciate it. if for nothing else than for posteriety and my own sake.
speaking of tours, the ill patriot boys are doing a string of dates with underoath this summer and i think i might tag along for a few of them... fourth of july weekend? hell yeah! i'm gonna put that economic stimulus check to hella-awesome use. by the by... the background/gang vocals on "new world war" are pretty fucking sing if i do say so myself. hahaha.
about an hour and forty five minutes ago, i got inspired to go see iron man [the fact that the wings-stars game is not on tv here in indianapolis greatly influenced my decision]. i didn't really want to see it when it first came out but i have heard nothing but good things about it so i figured that i'd give it a shot. i played around online for a bit and found a theatre some 20 minutes away from my hotel here in indianapolis that was playing it at a time that would give me enough time to get to. i grabbed my wallet and was off. 35 minutes and no theatre later, i got pissed, turned around and headed back to my hotel. i was pretty hungry so i decided i was going to stop somewhere and get some food.
now, i was told that i have a very liberal expense account for my trip here to the hoosier state. not as liberal as, say, obama, but more like clinton... the one with the penis. hilary. i had a killer lunch (guinness included) and pretty kick ass salad (not gay) for a mid afternoon snack. well, on my way back to the homewood suites by hilton of castleton (by the way... this feels nothing like my home... no fat dog running around, no pabst blue ribbon cans strewn about, no awesome back porch, etc...) i came across this: hell yeah! i haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese's since mike guzowski, bob gatt, and i went there when we were in high school. i immediately did the math and went... "hmm... Chuck E. Cheese's = pizza + entertainment + a beer or two + theabilitytogetreimbursedbecausethiswouldcountfordinner." can't miss.
right? right?
wrong.
first of all, chuck e. cheese's looks exactly like it did when i had my fifth birthday there a long time ago. i didn't get the chance to see/hear/experience the animatronic rat and his friends animatronic-ing along to the beatles "happy birthday" (i guess that monday at 8:15 isn't a popular day/time combo for kids to have their birthday party there). it was decently full, much to my surprise.
i sat down and ordered the Munch N' Play (hehehe) Combo. large pizza? soft drink (lemonade, please)? 25 tokens? you bet! my waiter told me he would be right back with my tokens.
so what did i do while i was waiting? i couldn't be the creepy dude hanging out by himself at chuck e. cheese's at a table... i went and played in the ball pit. don't act like you wouldn't do the same thing. i mean, it's a chuck e. cheese institution: pizza made by a giant rat and a ball pit. i love this country.
so i'm all by myself in the ball pit. i'm having a good time. it didn't occur to me just now that i was probably crawling around in some little shit machines' saliva (which really makes me want to go shower right now). i'm trying to do a backflip off the little entrance thing...
"sir," said a voice behind me. "sir, i'm gonna have to ask you to leave." it was my waiter. "what for?" i asked "well, you're playing in the ball pit. it's designed for little kids." i was kinda confused but knew that arguing was going to do me no good against the authority of a chuck e. cheese waiter, i informed him (while still in the ball pit) that, "it's not my fault i'm three times as big or four times as old as anyone else that has been in here today." my waiter didn't like that. neither did his manager who had made her way over to escort me out. i begrudgingly climbed out having fought but lost the good fight. i thought to myself that they probably wouldn't kick out peyton manning if he were in the ball pit having an awesome time.
what a crock. no iron man. no extended chuck e. cheese entertainment. no really awful pizza.
nasa -- north american sleep association
Current mood: amused
do you remember that video for van halen's song "right now"? no? well, here it is... .. it's still awesome.
anyway, long about the 3:41 mark of the video, there's a screen that reads "right now, our government is doing things we think only other countries do." i'm sure this was meant to be political by sammy, alex, mike, and eddouche... but not for me. i try to stay out of the realm of politics in this here blog for the most part. although if our government really is doing things we think only other countries do with what i am about to write about, we are all gonna be super happy.
yeah. super happy. "super happy"? genius level iq and that's all i could come up with? damnit.
so my friend patrick sent me this link today. it is for a cushy government job. and i do mean cushy. can't hardly wait? is the suspense killing you? are you thinking about that jennifer love hewitt film? are you just thinking of jennifer love hewitt? i am. but if you're not a straight dude or a super awesome lesbian you're probably thinking about what this amazing job could be, right? here it is.
THERE IS A GOD! also, if you're the slightest bit clever, you'll notice the application for this job. how awesome is that?!
Adventures at Harpeth Financial Services, volume 20
cast of characters: immigrants: immigrants who are visiting the naturalization and immigration lawyer across the hall. super hot paralegal who works in the law office across the hall (or SHPWWITLOATH): super hot paralegal who works in the law office across the hall me: moderately handsome. at least moderately handsome. striking on my good days.
enter me... walking down hall way towards my office. SHPWWITLOATH: [to some of her boss' clients and clearly not to me] "can i get you anything to drink? water, coke, anything?" me: [passing by] "how about a margarita? it is cinco de mayo." SHPWWITLOATH & immigrants: [stop and stare at me]. me: "i'm just kidding. how about a beer?"
Adventures at Harpeth Financial Services, volume 19
Current mood: geeky
cast of characters: laurie: accountant, resident complainer, hits on me all the time. me: is there anything i can't do?, resident awesome-er, avoids our accountant's rampant sexual advances.
preface: laurie and i (and a few others from the office) ran in the country music marathon this weekend past. laurie had a minor disagreement with the asphalt long about mile marker 12.9 as she was coming down victory lane which inspired a very RUDY-esque moment... some random strangers helped her cross the finish line, bloody face and all: sean astin would be proud. i can hear the chants now... "laurie! laurie! laurie!"
enter me into main office: me: "hey, laurie... here's a bill from Day or Night Towing." [distracted by some free swag on the main desk]. "oh, hey... what are these?" [these being these: ] laurie: "oh... i don't know... they're like little bags or something." me: [gives laurie the 'ohhhhhh, really?' look] laurie: "you know, those would have been awesome to have during the race this past weekend." me: [referencing her clumsiness from said race] "oh, you mean like for band-aids and antiseptic and stuff?" laurie: "yeah, like for... hey... smart ass." me: "i'm totally kidding. what we could do, though, is put like little tiny people in there for fun." [has an epiphany] "like kevin pollack in Willow!" laurie: [actually getting my pop culture reference] "yeah... that would be kinda fun!" me: "or, you know, since those guys don't really exist, we could put very small parts of real people in there." laurie: [stunned silence] me: "might get a bit messy, though... poor humans..."
Adventures at Harpeth Financial Services, volume 18
Current mood: hungry
cast of characters: casey -- vp of human resources, leaving company in three weeks, has already checked out. me -- jack of all trades, officially moving over to new position in three weeks, never really checked in.
preface: in the past week or so, i have been dilligently training on the ADP system. it sucks. but i do get to wear a neat headset that makes me feel like a cross between a phone sex operator and a pop singing sensation... every man's dream. but it is rather intensive and i can't really be disturbed during muh training, so i made the following sign to hang on the outside of my door:
enter casey into atrium... casey: [knocks softly on my office door whilst i'm in training] "hey, stephen..." me: [points to sign] casey: "oh, sorry... i didn't see that there. i'll get at ya later." me: "wait... do you have a burrito for me?" casey: "no." me: "oh... bummer."
it’s business... it’s business time
Current mood: busy
i guess there are some perks to having my new job... i mean, other than the pay and title increases.
i'm doing this training on a system called ADP -- Automatic Data Processing. and let me tell you something... it's about the most archaic piece of shit that i have ever used... well, except for when i was in Stats 215 in college and had to use this program called The Statistician that (I kid you not) was originally developed on an Apple 2. i kid you not.
aside from doing a ton of online training over the past week or so, i actually have to go and attend some classes in person. this is not something that i am a fan of doing... for the most part. i know, i know... you'd think i'd want to get out of the office, right? well, that part is correct... but it puts me behind on doing the whole "doing two jobs at once" thing that i've got going on now. blogging not withstanding. it's in my contract here at work. <-- that's a lie.
anyway, our VP of HR came up to me and informed me that there is a multi-day training seminar that i have to attend within the next four weeks. and, here's the best part, none of them are in nashville. my options: atlanta chicago new york i don't have any details yet as to dates and availability of this seminar but as soon as i find out, i will let you know... here's hoping for NYC... 'cause i know how much farron and the kibbe would want to see me.
business trips. with expense accounts. and reimbursements. sweet deal. i'm getting all growdsed up.
alright... the training for the physical challenge of 2009 will soon be underway. i've been told it's a good idea to take some time off (at least a week or two) from running after doing what i did on saturday. no complaints here about that!
starting in early may (and continuing internationally in ireland -- yes, i had to throw that out there), i will begin training for next year's challenge: a week's worth of hiking in Colorado. that's right... i'm gonna climb some 14,000-feet peaks.
i was originally planning on using the bulk of my vacation time next year to drive out to california and back to go eat at In and Out Burger because everyone keeps telling me how good it is... but this seems like a much better idea.
anyone want to come with? if so, let's start training!
nostalgic
bullied
amused
geeky
hungry
busy