I ve always been a big fan of a good conspiracy theory so i thought i'd stick a few on here. I asked listeners to the show to text in some of their faves the other week and the response was brilliant. my favourite text was from a listener who goes by the name of Ben De Wyres who said something along the lines of;
"All conspiracy theories are created by covert government groups to expose freethinkers, radicals and fruitbats."
I ll go along with that! Here s the first of many, and if you ve got any links to any good uns let me know.
Terrorstorm is a film about 7/7 and 9/11 by a bloke called Alex Jones, he has a radio show in the US and told his listeners were going to cause a terrorist incident and blame it on Osama Bin Laden months before September 11. It has some very interesting stuff in it but relies heavily on the opinions of ex-MI5 officer David shayler who I have long suspected of being a tit and one of our local MPs Michael Meacher who is definitely a tit. Even so it s well worth a look but runs in at just under two hours so make it one for a quiet evening in.
Alice kindly sent me sone other links to a load of stuff on the news feed regarding 9/11. This theory is that Computer generated Images were used to put the planes in after the initial explosions. True or not I don't know but certainly worth a look and quite unsettling...
Fatima* is back from the dead! Maybe I should have called her Lazarus instead but early reports of warped cylinder heads and cracked blocks have been very premature. A friend with great technical knowledge had a look at her, fiddled about with her then proceeded to rev her knackers off until all was well.
These people are called 'mechanics', as i know him it will cost me a couple of pints and the odd place on a comedy night guest list. If you don't know the 'mechanic' it costs loads, then they take your car away 'to get it on the ramp and have a proper look' which doubles the amount you ve just spent then, about a week or two later they find out it's 'more serious' than they first thought and this makes the repair 'uneconomic' but his wife is getting rid of a nice little runabout.... I think we know the score.
Turns out Jeremy Clarkson here, the man who is so clued up he knows how to get away with speeding tickets, had been putting water into the expansion tank assuning it to be a ballast tank. Duh! Cock end!
Anyway, Fatima has had a clean bill of health so all that remains is for me to get my felt tips out and make a nice, new tax disc and we ll be back all over the UK like a rash on your cock. Or fanny. If you re a lady.
*Fatima is a Nissan Micra of a certain age. She is called 'Fatima' because Chris Roche says Micras are 'an Asian woman's car.' Chris is in my top friends should you wish to invite him round for a Klan meeting.
My nearest supermarket is the Co-Op. I think this is an abuse of the word 'super.' Grossly overpriced, poorly stocked with extremely tardy at times bordering on surly service market would be much nearer the mark but not exactly a triumph in terms of marketing I'll grant you.
Speaking of marketing the Co-op has the greatest (albeit purely circumstantially) marketing device of all times. GCSE History. At school we were taught all about these brave pioneers from Rochdale, back in the days when life was black and white, who sieved the rat turds and dead bluebottles out of the flour and didn't fiddle their scales to short change you. Then they brought in 'divi.' Divi, or to use the full term 'dividend', is a system whereby you receive a percentage back from the shop the more you spend. It was an early version of Tesco's Clubcard or Sainsbury's Nectar card except you just got stamps instead of having all your personal details put on some dodgy database and available to the highest bidder.* A loyalty card without the spam, if you will. Think about this, the shop gives you a discount AFTER you have spent your money - a long time after - and they earn interest on the money they have 'borrowed' off you. This isn't a loyalty scheme, it s a scam. You re being ripped off.
I am always amazed by the way the Co-op scores so lowly on not just it s contempt for it s customers intelligence but also on it s products and service. Although it comes nowhere near Sainsbury's or Tesco's in terms of quality, choice or service it has no qualms whatsoever in equalling or exceeding their prices. The 'about to go mouldy and walk off on it s own' section is always a joy to behold. Here you can see food curling at the edges that still cost more than their competitors fresh produce! The recent introduction of it s up,marketly packaged 'Grossly overpriced range' does nothing to improve matters either though i must confess to a penchant for the Mature Cheddar and Caramelised Onion quiche. Unfortunately, I have to wait before it goes soggy before I can justify buying it.
Service at the Co-op, with a couple of honourary exceptions is.. shite. Although I only live a hundred yards away my milk and paper run can often take in excess of fifteen minutes. If things are busy why open extra tills? And, do you know, some of the customers have the temerity too expect to be served when the staff are having a good old gossip? Should the staff be re-stocking the cig counter then you ll be stood there waiting, and ignored, to boot.
I once had to wait while one of the staff struggled to switch on her till; 'I dont know how these work'
she told me, I asked how long she d been there.
Seven years
came the reply. I ve even been refused entry ten minute before closing time on the basis
'We re about to shut',
I got onto head office on that one and received a five pound vouchger to spend on more of their garbage. I ve had a few five pound vouchers off them but after about fifty quids worth in the first eighteen months they seemed to stop sending them. it s not just early shutting but late opening too! I ve turned up at 8am on the dot only to stand their, in the rain whilst a particularly retarded supervisor mouths at me through the glass
We re not open yet.
I'd sort of worked that one out... You re probably wondering why I shop there. I don't if I can help it and much prefer Aldi as it s half to a third of the price, the stuff is better and the staff amazing. They have a policy of using a handful of well trained, personable, intelligent people and pay them a decent wage. It works.
Is it just my local Co-op that is shit? Have you ever worked at a Co-Op? Are any other supermarkets as bad?
*I have no proof that the CIA use info gleaned from Tesco's clubcard database to execute their etraordinary renditions but I wouldn't be surprised.
Missing Maddie and the tabloids.
Current mood: aggravated
Category: News and Politics
This is pretty much an extension of a reply to my mate Chris Roche's inaugral blog. I ve put him in top friends as he is a a) a friend and b) top.He s also a funny little fooker should you ever get the chance to see him perform. Some of you are going to get the hump as this is a very emotive subject. If you struggle with logical conclusions or you re an ovulating woman you might want to skip it. Ta.
People have been messaging me about Maddie for over a fortnight! I reckon they should go to www.myspace.com/portugesenonces instead as I havent got a clue where she is. Honest. I'm beginning to resent the implication that I might. I really dont think the kidnapper is going to log on his MySpace, slap his forehead, and think;
"Thats the one in the garage! Forgotten all about her.. Silly me! I suppose I'd better ring the relevant authorities and hand myself in.!"
However well meaning your motives, changing your profile pic to one featuring her pic under an advert for a tard-loid 'news'paper is not going to find 'Little Maddie'. It will, however, help to increase the circulation of the particular sleaze sheet you read. They assume you are a der der. Your involvement in their new advertising campaign has proved their assumption to be correct. It's interesting how the media have reacted to the well presented, media savvy, educated, wealthy and, no doubt, litigatious McCanns. They left one of their children unnattended while they went to a restaurant, I dont doubt that they will regret this act for the rest of their lives. Im equally sure if Maddie s mum had no partner and lived on benefits we d be treated to a HANG THE EVIL BITCH NOW! campaign by exactly the same papers that are now championing their cause..
The British Summer is traditionally a sparse time for good tabloid fodder, oh yeah, what with Iran, Iraq, Dharfur, Brown taking over the top job, etc, etc there's loads of real news, but tabloids dont want that do they? Why do you think Beckham* used to get his haircut every fortnight once the season finshed? Why do crypto-Nazi poiticians and struggling boy bands suddenly confess to having smoked the odd joint? Why does Big Brother even exist? Because there s a distinct shortage of 'news' involving sleaze, soccer and celebs - that's why!
The press have loved missing kids in the Summer for a few years now - they need to be a) white, b) photogenic, c) have both parents available for photo calls and, most importantly, go missing at the right time of year. This can virtually guarantee a national News Of the Mongs/ The Scum/ Daily Retard/ Daily Mong poster campaign which gains massive publicity for the paper, and , as far as im aware, has not found, onesingle missing child. Editors aren t stupid - if they re going to milk the most out of someone elses misery then the story has to run and run...
The first big tabloid campaign involving posters was, I believe, for Sarah Payne(?), and only a few years ago they cruelly exploited those poor kids from Soham.
The tabloid editors will sell more papers when Maddie is found. The horrifying truth is it is highly unlikely she will be found alive. The longer a child is missing, the less likely that child will be found alive. we all know this and the editors know this. In addition there will then be another surge of sales on the arrest of the suspect(s) and an even bigger one for the trial (they ll be praying the Portugese justice system allows for a plea of 'Not guilty' as this will drag the trial right out plus add the 'juicy' details that tabloid readers love so much**) I truly wish with all my heart that maddie is found safe and well then returned to those with her best interests at heart. Common sense and the continual kicks in the teeth that life has to offer tells me this will not happen.
Thousands of kids around the world will die today and tomorrow due to abuse, war, starvation, making the branded products we love to wear, access to clean water etc, etc. The tabloids rarely seize on this unless Sir Bono Stingdoff is involved and there s a pretty good line up. if you really want to do something for the next 'little Maddie' then why not take the money you would spend this week on your Star, Mirror, Sun etc and give it to War On want, Save the Children, NSPCC or Oxfam? Not only will it save you from bolting the door after the horse has long gone but it may do stop the same from happening in the future, and a week not reading a tabloid means your brain will be much better. and that s a fact!
*distinctly average footballer elevated to national icon status because his wife was an even worse singer. Now, read on...
** Strange how those who so vocally abhor the sexual abuse of children and dream up the sickest of punishments for the perpetrators like nothing more than to curl up with a good read detailing the depraved activites of Hindley, Brady, Mr and Mrs West and co.
Saturday was the F.A. cup final, if it s still called that, if it isn t you ll know what I mean. I ll never, ever even begin to understand footy.
The teams in the final were Manchester Utd and Chelsea, so that s a US owned corporation versus a Russian owned corporation with the only certain result being that a lot of Cockneys were going to be pretty pissed off by teatime.
The news came on at work and the lead story on IRN (and, no doubt every other news programme) was how it was going to be an historic day as this annual event was taking place once again, albeit in a new stadium. The next news story was about our outgoing Prime Minister going to Iraq and restating how proud and cocksure he was of his illegal war that has killed 750 000 civillians. It s good to know we ve got our priorities right, and how typical of a man whose entire Premiership (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? EH? EH?) has been characterised by ruthless news management to choose this day to make this visit. Masses - you ve got your opium alright.
After work we usually go to the pub for a 'production meeting' and even though I was on my own I still wouldn t have felt wholly professional without doing this. Mistake. The last twenty minutes or so were still on the telly, and try as I might I couldn t wholly ignore the shrieks of grown men behaving like big girls and vice versa. Finally it finished, I had a natter to a newfound friend with a similar aversion to 'The Beautiful Game' and mosied off home.
It s only two miles from the hallowed bar of The Ashton Arms to Riley Towers but I counted three police vehicles, sirens akimbo and two ambulances in a similar state of distress in that short journey which doesn t usually happen, well, not at that time of day anyway. Is there any other activity for which these levels of violence, fear and general unpleasantness would be tolerated?
I got a friend request today from the BNP. Not their official site but one called 'Vote BNP.' It didn t come to the 'Rob Riley' site but to the BOSS Comedy site which I use to promote gigs. Obviously, the BNP and comedy aren t going to be obvious bedfellows.
I certainly wouldnt take their money and I doubt any act who i book would perform for them so I denied it but then i thought;
'Hang on.. here s an excellent chance to keep up to date with what they re up to and possibly open a few minds'
So I ve sent a request from this (Rob Riley) site for that exact purpose.
Im an Oldham lad who has seen at first hand the damage these nutters can cause and ten years ago I would have turned them down quick as a flash but when we had the local elections here after the riots they got (if i remember correctly) 16% of the vote which meant a lot of people I know had voted for them. One of these was a girl I worked with who is a lesbian! Hmmmm.. Others had done it out of good old fashioned racism and the majority out of plain ignorance and political naivety. Fortunately they ve failed to register votes of any great import since.
My point is this; in the Munich bierkellers of the Thirties did Adolf stand up on a table and say
'Listen lads, I ve got a great idea! Im going to start a new party which by the end of the next decade will have started a world war, exterminated millions due to my own petty prejudices and brought the Fatherland to it s knees?'
No. And if he had he wouldn t have got in. He talked about national pride, strength and unity, about racial purity, about the threats posed from those perceived as being different. He pandered to peoples fears and insecurities and found scapegoats to pin them on. Sound familiar?
I believe the BNP vote comes from people who are disillusioned with the state of current British politics and who can blame them? And, yes, a lot of them will be out and out racists but a majority struggle to comprehend what the term truly means. We ve all heard the 'I'm not a racist, but...' line.
The reason Im telling you this is if you happen to come across them in my 'friends' list. It would be a lot easier to say 'Im having nothing to do with them' but what chance of changing their opinions then? I realise a lot (though by no means all) of them aren t the brightest ( a quick scan through the members profiles will confirm this) but surely it s better to try and educate than ostracise? I know a few ex-racists and former homophobes who have chilled out in later years. The whole point of prejudice is exactly that - judging before you have met.
I wholly realise some of you are going to think Im being naive - if the BNP ever gain power in the UK then freedom of speech would be the first thing to go and I shouldn t grant them a privelige they wouldn t reciprocate, but isn t that a cop out?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an East Coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15 :19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
..carries on. I live in Oldham, as you may know, and some of the things to be seen bounding down Yorkshire St, pausing only occasionally to rise up on their hind legs and beat their chests are infinitely more suited to testing a Taser gun on than any other activity. Still, my search for a life partner continues even though the admittedly unrealistically high standards I set make this a fools errand of gargantuan proportion. Not unlike some of the aforementioned 'ladies'.*
Idly arsing around on the net the other day i came across a site that I thought would bring my quest to an end - www.veggieromance.com. A fellow female veggie looking for love? Brilliant! Problem solved!
I ve always strived to be honest in my dealings with people - sometimes brutally so - but rather that than raising peoples expectations and Im particularly suspicious about peoples photos on the net (see 'WARNING about images on this site' blog) so I thought I would answer all the questions as honestly as possible. Very honestly. I ve also put a photo up of me at silly 'o' clock in the morning after a heavy evening of refreshment and you know what? Not one single bloody reply after a whole week!
Can t for the life of me think where i might have gone wrong so perhaps you could help me out? To look at my profile simply click here and leave any helpful hints or tips you may have as a comment to this blog.
*please dont think im sizeist. Im not. I just dont find fat women attractive. Or burns victims for that matter.If you re the kind of guy who likes to go on a big job then more power to your elbow. Whilst I'm on the subject (and speaking as one who is less than svelt) I really get sick of lardarses who complain that they can't lose weight. Bollocks. Use more calories than you ram down your fat face and you WILL lose weight. This is a scientific fact. as far as Im aware they didn t find anyone at Belsen or Auschwitz saying "Can you believe it? I ve been here six months and I ve not lost a pound.." Unless, of course, they were guards...
aggravated