Depression Is Realizing That You Don’t Even Have Enough Crap For A Yard Sale
Category: Life
You know, eBay kinda sucks when you need the money right now…
I've got some things I need to sell folks, and I'm really hoping that you guys can help me out. I know the economy is going down the shitter in a clockwise motion, so EVERYONE is getting into the same situation that I'm in, myself.
But because I love you guys more than some stranger that probably only wants to rip me off, I want to list this here, first.
I have a 4GB iPod nano, silver, 3rd gen. for sale for $65.
I only used it a few times, mostly while I was folding towels at the hotel in the middle of the night. There are a few slight scratches on the back, but it's in perfect working condition. It comes with the USB cord for charging and hooking up to iTunes, and a set of matching earbuds.
I do have a couple of silicone protective skins for it, if you want them. Those are free.
Sorry guys, the iPod is sold...
During Speedopalooza, I wore a pair of pretty princess shoes. Well, I wore them for about 20 minutes before I realized that I wasn't going to be able to dance very well in those heels. If you want them, they're yours for $5.00
Clear resin 3" heels, and a pretty sparkly pink strap over the top.
Several years ago, I worked behind the register at a craft store. Consequently, I came home every day with more scrapbook stuff than I could use in my lifetime. I still have lots of stuff leftover…
I'll sell you the whole lot for $20.
Scrapbook stuff has been sold too, guys.
There's Jolee's stickers, tags, those little metal accessories that usually run for 2 bucks a pop, and all kinds of other little stuff that is perfect for any scrapbook occasion that you might have. I also have about 100 12x12 scrapbook sheets that I'll throw in.
I've got way more stuff that I'd like to get rid of, but it's more like yard sale stuff. Ryan has so many toys that haven't even been opened yet, if you're interested in something like that, send me an email and tell me what you're looking for. I'm sure that I have it. Need baby boy clothes? Got that too.
Send me a message, I'll give you my email address for Paypal, and you give me the shipping address.
Otherwise, I'm going to have to either start turning tricks on the corner, or cooking meth in the backseat of my car.
Kate vs. The Bird (A Tale Of Terror)
Category: Life
I know I haven't gotten back to the comments on my last blog yet, but this one is an emergency write. I couldn't wait long enough to write this one out before I got back to those comments.
First, a little background.
For the last several weeks, I've successfully gotten myself addicted to munching on sunflower seeds while I'm at work. It keeps me from feeling like I need to consume all forms of sustenance while I'm here bored stupid, but the sodium intake isn't working so well for me.
Whatever, It's not a bad snack.
On to the story.
There I was, minding my own business at 4 o'clock in the morning. I'd spent most of the night watching movies on HBO and trying my best to get into this stinkin' book that I've been trying to read for the last 4 days, but I had a sudden urge to sit down with my word processor and write another chapter in my own book.
I'd been sitting here for about 15 minutes when I heard a familiar flapping sound. Only, this sound isn't primarily heard indoors. I usually hear this sound when I'm sitting outside on my smoking bench.
There was a tiny bird in the lobby.
No bigger than my palm.
Fuck.
Because the weather has been so nice here, and I have a certain affinity for fresh air, I'd left the balcony door propped open so that I could feel the cool night breeze while I'm enjoying the solitude of this soul-devouring job.
So now we have to find a solution to this problem. How to get the bird out of the lobby in the next 2 hours before I have to start setting up breakfast. Lord knows, the last thing I need is a phone call around 8am wondering why there is bird shit on the bagels.
First Solution: Broom
When I stood up from my chair behind the desk, the bird went crazy. I'm surprised that it didn't knock itself unconscious from flying headfirst into the wall so many times. I grabbed the broom out of the laundry room and proceeded to Hank Aaron it around the lobby for about 5 minutes before I realized that I had absolutely no visual on the damned bird.
Slightly afraid to look up for fear of seeing a feathered kamikaze flying straight for my head, I forced myself to calm down enough to look around the room.
No bird.
WTF
I went to sit back down. New strategy, be still and wait for the bird to come back. If he never comes back, it's all good for both of us.
He came back.
~SPLAT~
That's nice, bird shit on the front counter and a homicidal bird flying around the room.
I needed a new plan.
Second Solution: Sunflower seeds
The bird finally settled himself on top of the television. It didn't fail to strike me as a bit ironic that there was a life insurance commercial playing as the bird sat there and mocked me.
That's when it dawned on me that I had a whole bag of sunflower seeds sitting right in front of me. Sure they have salt on them, but the bird won't know that until it's too late. If I put some seeds on the floor by the door and a few more just OUTSIDE the door, by the time the bird realizes tat there is salt on his newfound food, I will have shooed him out the door and back to the environment that he wasn't supposed to leave from in the first place.
Great plan.
Terrible execution.
I grabbed a larger handful of seeds than was actually needed for the job, but I wanted to make sure that once I got out into enemy territory, there wouldn't be a shortage of supplies. This was my first mistake.
Upon stepping out again from behind the desk and into the lobby, I became instantly frozen in fear. It occurred to me that I never really paid much attention to how one contracted the Bird Flu, and I wasn't completely positive that I wouldn't get it from being bitten or shit on. To make matters worse, the bird resumed his kamikaze flight.
Immediate panic.
Imagine the kid from Home Alone when he's realized that he has the house to himself. Running around waving his arms in the air and screaming to the top of his little lungs.
Now imagine that instead of being elated, he was actually terrified for his existence and was seeing his entire life flash before his eyes.
In my panic, I chunked my larger than necessary handful of salted sunflower seeds at the floor by the balcony door, covered my head for protection, and ran screaming back to the safety of the front desk.
That's when it happened.
The bird landed on the desk in the blink of an eye, less than 3 feet from where I was standing. It looked at me.
I looked back.
It's beady little eyes didn't blink. (Do birds blink?)
K: "You're going to die if you push me much further, bird…"
*chirp*
And it flew out the door.
Just like that.
No more suicidal headshots into the wall, no more dive bombs to my head. It didn't even touch the hundreds of sunflower seeds that I'd sacrificed just to get the damned thing out of my hotel.
It did, however, shit once more on the floor as a parting gift.
You Can Get Much Further With A Kind Word And A Gun Than You Can With A Kind Word Alone
Category: Life
I received this email to my inbox just a few minutes ago. This is one of the drawbacks to working the midnight shift; even on my nights off, I still have trouble falling asleep. Now that I've found out that I can catch up on all my nighttime network drama shows online, this falling asleep problem seems to have gotten even worse.
It has not, however, impaired my ability to slice my way through bullshit with surgical precision.
Hello,
My name is Greg Mottola and I work as a Chief Manager of Department of employment in Moon Group Inc.
This letter confirms, that your resume (found at careerbuilder.com) has been duly processed and your skills completely meet our requirements for Financial Manager vacancy.
I'm representative of a well-known company founded and based in USA, which deals with financial services like escrow services for buyers and sellers of online auctions around the world. We offer our services both ..d commercial auctions where the number of buyers is not large and on ebay.com, amazon.com, yahoo.com - popular online auctions.
Financial Agent position is: - part-time (you can work only 2-3 hours a day (Monday- Friday)). - work at home (all communication is online).
Obligatory: Internet access and e-mail.
This position is offered on a trial period (first month) basis. You will receive training and online support while working and being paid. Trial period is paid $2300/month. Also you will be keeping 8% commission from every payment received from customer and successfully processed. Total income, with the current volume of clients, will be up to $4.5k per month. After first 30 days base salary will be increased up to $3k per month, plus 8% commission!
You may ask for additional hours after trial period, or proceed full-time.
If you are interested in our offer and would like to learn more about Financial Agent position, please send the filled form to Job.moon.group@gmail.com
Our representative will contact you in 24 hours.
++++++++FORM++++++++FORM++++++
+++++ First name:_____________________ Last name:___________________________ Country of residence:__________________ Age:________ Contact phone:______________________ Preferred call time:_______________________ ++++++++FORM++++++++FORM+++++++++++
We found your resume at www.careerbuilder.com. This letter confirms, that your CV has been duly processed and your skills completely meet our requirements for Financial Manager vacancy.
Thank You, Greg Mottola
I immediately clicked "reply". The temptation was too great.
I would like to be interested in your job offer, but you failed to provide a website for your company. When I googled the name of the company myself, I was unable to find anything that matched "Moon Group Inc.".
If this company is able to afford to pay me upwards of $2k per month only working part time, it would be reasonable to assume that they would have a website available to view online. It is also reasonable to assume that the Chief Manager of the Department of Employment for this company would be able to avoid searching prospective suckers online at 3 a.m., and common grammar mistakes.
One would think that the "Chief Manager of the Department of Employment of a company that claims to have enough money to pay me as much as $4,500 a month, would have some sort of email account that required more than a CAPTCHA to set up. You know, something along the lines of a "company email address". You should probably look into getting one of those. I hear that the gas station manager even has one now.
On a final it-takes-a-bullshitter-to-know-a-bullshitter note, I have to wonder just what part of my resume completely meets your requirements for a Financial Manager position? I've worked the front desk at a hotel for the last 4 years and behind the register at a craft store before that. I live with my parents. It's a damn good thing I don't have a car payment, or I'd have to learn how to cook meth in the basement just to pay the bills.
Do you really think that I'm the best person to be in charge of a Financial Department that you claim I can run from the privacy of my own bedroom while I'm naked with clothespins on my nipples and a ball-gag in my mouth?
Thank you for your time and please, find another sucker to rip off.
Yours truly, Kate L.
I've been made a sucker before. Not often, but it has happened.
Unfortunately for those people out there that wish to try me again, even getting up at 3 a.m. isn't going to do the trick.
You Should Be Proud Of Your Right To Vote For Shameless Politicians
Category: Blogging
I don't write political blogs.
To say that they make me want to jump headfirst into the shallow end of an empty swimming pool would be putting it nicely. There are places for political blogs. Myspace is not that place. If I wanted to read a political blog, I'd go to a website where it's ALL POLITICAL BLOGS.
To me, political blogs are: a)boring b)asinine c)boring d)pointless e)all of the above
All I learned in Political Science class was that my vote does NOT count.
BUT
Because I live in this country, I have the right to an opinion whether I choose to vote or not. So here it is.
People who do NOT live in this country and do NOT enjoy the same freedoms and rights that we enjoy, should NOT feel that their opinion on who we elect into the office of the President is necessary. They say that who we elect affects them too. Well that's fine. But, why aren't you voicing an opinion on the fucked up political system in China? The Chinese government relegates not only how many children can be born, but how many of those children can be female. At the same time, that very government also reveres the women who give their babies up for adoption and puts those women on a pedestal, something close to a goddess.
How about the fact that the Japanese Yakuza has more control over Japan than the actual government does, but it's illegal for ANYONE in the country to have a gun?
Why does no one write blogs on the contradictions of other foreign governments?
(Japanese Mafia, Yakuza)
To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what political party I belong to. I'd really rather not belong to either. I'm pro-choice, but I gave up a child for adoption. Who am I to tell another person what is right or wrong for them to do? Too many uninformed and inexperienced people are voicing opinions on shit they know nothing about.
If you've never been in a position to have to choose between abortion and adoption, how in God's name can you tell someone else what they should do for the betterment of their own life?
I'm also in full support of the death penalty. If someone brutally murdered my entire family after raping me and my child…I want that mother fucker to burn in the fiery pits of the hottest hell. Kill him now, and make it. fucking. hurt.
I know you've heard the commercial that goes, "I can't get a job because I don't have any training. I don't have any training because I can't go to school. I can't go to school because I don't have any money. I don't have any money because I can't get a job. I can't get a job because…etc."
Why do you think I am still stuck in this godforsaken hotel working the midnight shift for fucking peanuts?
Just because I don't have a college degree that does nothing but confirm that I know how to show up on time to class and write my name, and I don't have experience in anything other than a few Customer Service jobs, doesn't mean that I am not capable of effectively managing a hotel such as the one that I work in.
When I asked about being considered for the Assistant Manager position that had opened up, I was told that I wasn't going to be hired for the job because they wanted someone with a degree and that had more than 10 years experience in Hotel Management.
It didn't matter that I know how to run this hotel better than the owner does. He can't use the computer system here at all. He can't check someone in, he can't check them out, he can't even print up the employee schedule for the following week. God forbid, he should have to run the audit.
It didn't matter that I know where every single form is behind this desk and what it's used for, I know all of the rooms better than the housekeepers, and I ALREADY am in charge of the day shift duties and who gets assigned to what.
I'm already doing the asst. manager job and I'm not even here during the day to do it.
And I'm still getting paid with fucking peanuts.
All because my background says I'm not good enough.
The point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't really matter who gets voted into office. All we can do is pick one and hope for the best. Politician = Liar. Whoever makes it to the Presidency is guaranteed to screw things up somehow, it's just a matter of when and what.
Arguing and voicing opinions and supposed "impartial debating" over everything isn't going to change the outcome, but it IS guaranteed to lose you a few friendships.
Football Announcers Are F*cking Geniuses
Category: Life
I would have slept all afternoon if Andy hadn't made me wake up and mash some potatoes.
We're playing house tonight. Mom and dad left to go out to eat and then maybe over to the bookstore, because they're just wild and crazy like that, and left us here with a certain 7 year old boy that would have had a nap today with his mama, had the possibility of him pulling an all-nighter not been so high.
I swear if I get asked one more time to watch Star Wars Legos on Playstation one more time…
So anyway, back to the blog.
The Georgia Bulldogs are playing today. They're on right this minute. They're winning.
That's all I know, and I've been sitting here watching for the last hour or so. Football was never something I picked up. Went to more than 100 games over the course of my high school career, and never knew anything more than, the players sure did wear some tight pants…
So Andy and I are sitting here watching the game and the announcer busts up with something SO FUCKING PROFOUND that I don't think I'll forget it as long as I live.
I only regret that I didn't think of it first so that I could make it an original.
"The hole will always open. It's up to you to have the ability to find it."
I have no idea what happened in the game, I'm not really sure when they scored those extra seven points, and I'm not really sure why they keep showing the stupid cheerleaders yelling into the camera with their caked on makeup and perfect little asses that just make me want to vomit.
But I do know what I'll tell myself next time it looks like I'm not going to get out of a situation.
Hatred Is A Very Underestimated Emotion
Category: Life
For the last two years I have lived with a hole in my heart that I didn't believe I would ever be able to mend. There is a darkness there, a hurt that lives in the most shadowed corners of my soul. It breathes and eats, it grows and it hates with talons as sharp as any scythe.
I have nurtured it.
I have taken comfort in this murky hatred.
I have called upon it for strength and I have learned from it.
I have cherished it.
This darkness grew inside of me until I could no longer ignore what it was trying to teach me. It taught me that I am worth more than the bruises. Part of my life had been stolen from me. It became my mission to take it back.
In all of my life, I have only truly hated one person. Not enough to forget that there are laws that govern the country, but definitely enough to pray fervently for his slow and painful death. It's ironic to me that, only when someone wrongs you in a way that goes against the laws of humanity, can you grow to hate them with such potency.
So here I sit. Mostly healed, slightly scarred, about to take a step towards a future that I once thought I didn't deserve. There's only one thing I have to do before I can do that.
Robbie, up to this point, I've referred to you in my blogs as "LEB". Loser Ex-Boyfriend. It saved me from having to worry about you throwing more threats at me, like putting my picture on a billboard in town and telling everyone that I "sold my baby for a new car".
It took me a long time to stop being afraid of you. It took me even longer to realize that you aren't worth my hate. Now, I can thank you for forcing the real me to the surface.
I have found someone that I love with my whole heart. He loves everything about me that you hated, and he doesn't backhand me when I hum along with the radio in the car. He loves me, he loves my son, and he loves my family. It's because of you that I am able to appreciate this.
It’s Never Too Early To Start A Mid-Life Crisis
Category: Life
Tip of the day: Never take credit advice from someone that claims to be the President and CEO of a company that he runs out of his mother's house from HER computer.
It's taken me a while to get a blog out…mostly because I have an idea of something I want to say, and then somewhere in the middle it fizzles out.
Nothing.
Even now, I'm pulling this out of my ass because I promised Andy I'd finish what I started sometime last week.
A few points I'd like to make:
Point 1 Women lose weight for reasons other than to please a man. Guys, pick your jaws up off the floor, it's true. Are you really so shallow as to think that you are the ONLY reason she felt the need to drop 35 pounds? It couldn't have possibly been because she's got a history of heart disease in her family and if she doesn't drop some poundage soon, she's going to be staring down the business end of a defibrillator…
I'm sure that your comment to her about how much more you're attracted to women with a perfect ass and boobs that are still in the right place, had something to do with it, but the truth is that we are who we are…and if you don't like me when I'm fat, then you're going to fucking hate me when I'm skinny. (That's an original. Write that down.)
Point 2 I don't understand why everyone gets so upset about all these Christianity blogs. Worse, I don't understand the Christian need to make everyone believe as they do.
"If you don't repent of your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your savior, you will burn in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity."
Always so desperate to be prepared. It will be whatever it is, right?
Our believing in one thing or another will not matter at all in the end…
Point 3 I finally have a driver's side window again in my car. I haven't had one since July 27th, the day that everyone left to go back home from Speedopalooza.
Instead of telling exactly what a pain in the ass it is to have no driver's side window in your car, I'll just let you use your imagination.
PS: It rains here. A lot. I didn't have a piece of CLEAR plastic to cover the window with.
Point 4 When I woke up this afternoon, I sat outside on my Thinking Throne for my first cigarette of the day (yum) and noticed, with all applicable horror, that an unknown, but adequately terrifying species of spider has decided to make its home between two of the slats on my revered Throne.
As if that weren't frightening enough, the damned thing has made, not one but TWO egg sacs. I can only imagine how many thousands of tiny, evil harbingers of death are awaiting their meager existence underneath my smoking bench.
So this is what happened.
I sat down on the bench and flicked my Bic.
Noticed that the spider sacs existed.
Watched the two sacs of scourge tremble slightly with the small movements of my arrival on the bench.
Watched in absolute horror as an extremely hairy and longer than could possibly be necessary adult spider arm reached out from a hiding place that I still have not determined, to steady the swaying egg sacs.
Andy brought me home from Atlanta this morning, and on the way, before we got to the interstate, we passed a sign on the side of the road that said "Complete Handwashing Center".
My first thought?
Why would you need a Center just to wash your hands?
I'm going to switch the comments on my blogs to friends only.
There's 400 or so of you that will have to send me a friend request to be able to comment on the few blogs that I write in the future. But since most of you don't comment anyway, it won't be that much of a huge deal.
Mantana is back, and he's got more idiot followers this time, and I just don't feel like putting up with their shit just to be able to have some fun on this website.
(If you don't know who Mantana is, count yourself among the fortunate.)
ps: If any of you guys are mucho supremo at web development and web design, PLEASE send me a message. I've got a job for you.
