New Story at decomP

Read "In the Restaurant" at http://decompmagazine.com.

It is about eating food, which is a very important issue the youth of America is facing today.

10:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Bizarro Starter Kit (Blue)

The new volume of The Bizarro Starter Kit has been released.

I have a novella in it called Cheesequake Smash-up.

It is about a city-wide demolition derby with moving buildings where the winner gets a monopoly over the fast food industry. Skyscrapers attack!



There's a new genre rising from the underground. Its name: BIZARRO. For years, readers have been asking for a category of fiction dedicated to the weird, crazy, cult side of storytelling that has become a staple in the film industry (with directors such as David Lynch, Takashi Miike, Tim Burton, and even Lloyd Kaufman) but has been largely ignored in the literary world, until now.

The Bizarro Starter Kit features short novels and story collections by ten of the leading authors in the bizarro genre: Ray Fracalossy, Jeremy C. Shipp, Jordan Krall, Mykle Hansen, Andersen Prunty, Eckhard Gerdes, Steve Aylett, Bradley Sands, Christian TeBordo, and Tony Rauch.

277 pages

Buy it at Bizarro Central for $7 or at Amazon for a little more.

10:36 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

I am blogging

I now have a blog here: www.lawngnomesinspace.blogspot.com

It is a lot of fun. I've never done a proper blog before.

I would blog on myspace, but I'm afraid Ted Turner will submit my entries under his own name to the lit journal, Creative Nonfiction, along with a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills.

10:50 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

New Story at Lamination Colony

I rewrote the beginning of William Burroughs' Naked Lunch. Bill Lee is now an Indiana Jones-type. This I decree.

Lamination Colony is a cool lit journal. Read it here: lamination.deadwinter.com

Issue stuff:

It contains text work by Sam Pink, Louis E. Bourgeois, Sean Kilpatrick, Colin Bassett, Edith Dunham, Sam Oborne, Justin Dobbs, Catherine Lacey Booth, John Dermot Woods, Mark Cunningham, Ryan Downey, Brian Foley and Peter Berghoef.

It contains parodies or 'creative criticism' of Michael Martone by Josh Maday, David Markson by William Walsh, David Foster Wallace by Jimmy Chen, Mike Topp by Chelsea Martin, Gordon Lish by Michael Hemmingson, William Burroughs by Bradley Sands, Russell Edson by Matthew Simmons, Dean Young by Claire Donato, Tao Lin by Justin Taylor and Lydia Davis by Tao Lin and Brandon Scott Gorrell.

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Two New Interviews

Gabrielle Faust interviews me for her blog, Eternal Vigilance: www.gabriellefaust.com/archives/315

Joe Matheny interviews me and D. Harlan Wilson for the podcast, The G-Spot: greylodge.org/gpc/?p=1307

11:53 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

New (free) issue of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens

Issue 7 is out. It is free. It is online. It is a PDF. It begins with a letter from a dog and ends with a bag of gold. It is very good.

It includes stories (Rhys Hughes, D. Harlan Wilson, John Edward Lawson, Sean Kilpatrick, Mike Young, Corey Mesler, Andersen Prunty, Cameron Pierce, Amelia Gray, Caleb Ross, Forrest Armstrong, Stefani Nellen, Erik Williams, Jason M. Heim, and Matt Doyle), books reviews (John Edward Lawson's Discouraging At Best and Jeremy C. Shipp's Vacation), and cover art (Jase Daniels).

11:32 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Way He Laughs

I have a story up at susurrus: the literature of madness: here.

10:08 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

500 Words on Money

Zombie George Washington strokes his obelisk beneath the Washington Monument, envious of his monument's stature. He is not the traditional kind of zombie who moans and groans through a horror movie. There is no word in the English language that can be used to describe him. "Immortal" comes the closest, but "Zombie George Washington" sounds a lot cooler than "Immortal George Washington."

Throughout the centuries, Zombie George's complexion has turned pale and broken out into ridges, making him the spitting image of his likeness on the dollar bill. He has survived this long by feeding on the pulpy residue of bank notes following their retirement from circulation.

Each time you purchase a donut, a millisecond is added to Zombie George's afterlife. Actually, you extend his existence any time you buy anything, but donuts make me giggle because of the sexual connotations of their holes. It's just that the word "anything" doesn't give me to disrupt the classroom with a burst of hysterics, and a stint in the principal's office is less boring than your boring lecture on the boring economic system.

According to Wikipedia, a dollar bill is annihilated every two or three or four or five years due to the wear and tear of numerous tug of wars between the consumer and the sinister donut baking cashiers. So the more donuts you buy, the more gallons of pulpy dollar residue gets pumped beneath the Washington Monument via a clandestine gardening hose.

Now it can be revealed – the Federal Reserve is responsible for this outrage, and I would have kept my mouth shut if they had only bought my silence with the contents of their vaults as I had requested. Damn you, Federal Reserve! Now you're gonna pay, but with the currency of respect instead of gold bars.

Two trazillion years ago, Adam Weisenhopper created capitalism to satisfy Zombie George's perpetual hunger. He owed the guy a favor after George cut down a tree that was blocking his view of the sunbathing hottie next door. Plus Adam was really lazy and didn't want to carry around blocks of gold in his purse. The blocks were originally Jack LaLanne's idea, his solution to America's problem with obesity, but Adam Weisenhopper defeated him in a duel in front of Congress by cutting out his still-beating heart as he was doing a jumping jack warm-up exercise. In conclusion, if you don't buy things that you don't want and don't need, the terrorists have won. Because they hate presidents, apple pie, tall buildings, and zombies as much as they hate freedom.

Works Cited: Wikipedia

3:30 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thirdeye Magazine reviews It Came from Below the Belt

Here's another review of my book. Sorry, it's kind of lame to post all these reviews for the people who have already read it. But unfortunately, I'm not big on blogging. Although maybe I should change that. Anyone have any requests?

"Bradley Sands' first novel is a stunning debut jam-packed with excitement and witty, disguised pop culture references. This is the first work that gives the reader a look into the creative mind of a very talented individual and suggests an extremely successful future in the Bizarro world." [Read more...]

7:57 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

500 Words on 500 Words

The 500 word essay has ravaged the Earth for centuries. High school teachers may claim it is only a harmless assignment to expand the intellectual capacity of their students, but this is a smokescreen to hide the truth.

The 500 word essay is a number-based incantation used by teachers to attain their dimmest desire--the ability to remain awake despite the opiate-like effects of their monotone voices and the fluorescent lighting in their classrooms. By draining their students enthusiasm for knowledge, the teachers prevent the vice principal from wandering in and catching them in the act of giving a sleep-lecture on The Most Efficient Means of Getting Fired. Thus, the purpose of one 500 word essay is to survive until an appropriate amount of time has passed and it is permissible to assign another. This can be anywhere from one day to the lifespan of a urinal cake.

Although it is unlikely that any student's essay will consist of exactly 500 words, the incantation draws its power from the student's intention to reach that amount (while the rare essay of exactly 500 words will result in an incantation that lasts the lifespan of a urinal cake). Extra days are awarded to a teacher whenever one of their students tries to make their puny essay look like its 500 words by widening the margins and using a large font. The 500 word incantation consists of 500 words instead of 666 words (or any other number) because the powers that be were looking for a nice round number and 500 was at the right place at the right time: battering down their secret headquarters door to use the bathroom.

The 500 word essay has the capability to turn its users into gods. Had the teachers' brains not been replaced by Casio keyboards upon entering the teaching profession, they would do things like building cities out of raisins, banning all languages except the various sounds of munching raisins, going back in time to kill the California Raisins, converting the world's currencies into raisins, electing a raisin to the Oval Office, powering automobiles on raisins, creating a human/raisin hybrid in a laboratory who will be the father of a super race, making all foodstuffs raisin-based, fighting wars with poison raisin attacks, changing the death sentence from the electric chair to being killed in a hail of raisins ("raisining"), causing raisin juice to conquer the hair care industry, replacing our outer layer of skin with raisins so humanity can have something to snack on during a raisin shortage, making all glossy magazines report on the exploits of raisins instead of film stars, legalizing human/raisin marriage in Massachusetts, issuing a law ensuring all grapes are shot on sight, and putting in fail-safes to prevent the raisins from rising up to overthrow their oppressors.

But instead, the unimaginative teachers use the 500 word essay as a more effective alternative to their morning coffee.

11:46 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment