what’s it all mean, mama?

I've been going way into "nothing outside the self" recently. With a little help from my friends.

As if they really exist in the first place. Outside of my perception of them. Do they? Can I prove it?

Do I exist outside of your creation of me in your experience? Is it relevant?

I'm steady at this point on "no" as the answer to those questions ....

So, all that matters is what I perceive about my life. How do I categorize these perceptions? Perhaps via judgement? Judgement, whether positive or negative. Hmm... Gifts -- as I seek to know myself. (or hindrances? Or BOTH! depending on how i perceive them...!! AUGH!)

Let me see, society seems obsessed with spiritual "self-improvement" or "honing your uptmost potential."? I , by default, or because i created it myself ... am therefor on this train as well. It's all I think about.

I often use my "judgements" as gifts of self-reflection to show me what perfect imperfections I can see , via others, in myself. And then ...(hopefully ... eventually) accept and then cease to see reflected to me.

Utter self responsibility?

Utter mirrorism?.

Utter perpetual upward striving...?

Utter analyzation and therefore not Being Now Here...??!!

Utter .... AUGH!

And THEN -- (BLEEP!) it all cycles back to knowing we are perfect, and not judging anything as flawed. Yes?

But what about a tendency towards negative thought? Certainly CHANGING that becomes the relevant clue eh?

Or is it just accepting the fact that we are being negative, which transmutes into self compassion?

Oh, glorious mindfucks.

Just accept what is, when it is.

Just Be.

Alright, yes, but things at times get under my skin. And I feel the need to respond a certain way.

So, perhaps ... the key is not what I respond ...?
But if I accept my response or if I judge myself for having a response...?

Errr ---

And if it is all me ... then I am getting under my own skin ... as a self-reflexive way of self-undermining my peace of mind...

oh ego

my friend

my contrast

I am learning not to expect my definition of perfection from myself. But rather to accept who I am, whenever I am. I can be really hard on myself if I perceive that i have "failed" a test to be calm, or see truth through circumstance.

Because i know it is all a game.

And I know that everyone in my life is a mirrored aspect of myself - traits that either I am conditioned to celebrate or dislike.

And I know that as I accept everyone with compassion, I am accepting myself.

Because they are just literally pieces of me ... projected holographic congealed thought forms. Being perceived by my senses.

As Kim likes to say, "we are all just a collection of potential ideas"

(or something like that - more eloquently stated and amidst fuzzy wide brown eyes and wildly waving hands)

And it all just Is what it Is.

And it

Is

what it

Is.

And i am you, and you are me. Quite literally.

And if a tree fell in the woods...?

And does life exist beyond the metaphors we find within it?

And what's it all mean, mama...?

WAH!

And it seems that some deep bellied oxygen and the ability to laugh at ourselves and not take our drama so seriously .... is EVERYTHING.

as Beckwith said this week, "save the drama for your mama -- NO, SPARE your mama from the drama."

We've all got it. And we sculpt these glorious statues of self out of these stories, and weave our tapestry that details "our life experience" and it's really all just bullshit. Because the stories change day to day and the details melt and fade away, and "he might or might not have been doing this because ---" and I might or might not have intended such and such subconsciously .... AND it all just IS WHAT IT IS. And it will be what it will be

And it will inevitably be GLORIOUS. So what story do I want to tell about my experience?

WAH!

Love M

9:43 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Collard greens & light streams

Oh, yoga.

Oh, onion soup.

Oh, collard greens.

Oh, fascinating digestive process.

Oh, hurt feelings.

Oh, taking accountability for "nothing outside the Self"

Oh, finding the lesson.

Oh, releasing into the education of communication.

Oh, wonderful life!!!!!!

*

*

Yoga. Every (other?) day. Mutual commitment. Bliss.

After only a few classes, I feel such strength creeping into every appendage. Old familiar memories of muscles. (awakening after a decade of laziness induced dormancy).

Fibers, tissues, muscles - POOF! Streeetttttch!

Who knew that having a partner could be so individually satiating!? Motivation to accomplish things on your own.

It is amazing doing yoga next to someone you share an energetic connection with. Someone you already merge in breath with outside of class.

As you practice, immersed in the delicious solitude of the inner experience of breath and movement, you hear and feel him next to you, pulling the same mouthful of oxygen into his lungs, in the same rhythm that you are pulsing.

And your consciousnesses (pluralized! holy letter congestion!) merge silently. Alone with spirit. Together.

Oh, fun!

Drenched in sweat and floating on the buzzed cloud of sobriety (oh energetic circulation! Blood flow! Oxygenation!), we stumbled down 2nd street. Stopping to embrace. Eye gaze. Ohm kiss.

Whoa!

Hang on! A shift in mental direction has overtaken me!

Come along for the ride! I just had an awesome realization!!!!

Thaddius and Kim are making food in the kitchen. Tempting. Offering it to me. I say no thank you. I take herb tea.

But, am I hungry? Hmmm ... checking in with myself ... what does hunger really REALLY FEEL like anyway? Is that hunger I ever feel - or craving? habitual action? Or perhaps lightheaded signs of detoxing (or energy flow) when I give my digestive system a break... ? How often is my belly ever empty?

Well ... let's venture forth from there ... One of the world's primary problems is hunger, right? World hunger. Feed the children.

So, there is a physical, worldly solution to this, which entails a massive shift in distribution, moving supplies from point A to point B, etc.

There are a zillion nonprofits in the world - helping move dirt from point A to point B. Helping some people. But not all people.

Ok, so we are doctoring a village. We are feeding a town. Is that sustainable? How long can that last? And what of the millions of others?

So it boils down to - do you teach a man to fish or do you give him fish?

And what is the nature of sustainability? The path of least resistance.

So why don't we shift the way we look at the problems. Rather than the way we rehash the same old solutions?

For example, the more I cleanse, or eat raw vegetables, the more I realize how little food my body actually needs to exist. Most meals that i eat, I end up looking back at them, and they are something of a blur.

I even take pains to ground myself in the sensory experience. In the gratitude for every bite. In the reverential bliss of every flavor and texture.

I ohm while I chew.
(not always, but as often as i find focus)
I eat silently, with my eyes closed.
I focus my thoughts on gratitude while I am eating and drinking.

And yet, still, with all of my one-pointed conscious intent, I find that meals slip by, vaporized in time. Once the plate is empty, what is left of it? A slight afterglow in my mouth? A memory of "Yumminess"?

And what is Yummy?

Breathing oxygen is Yummy! Feeling my pulse and drinking light through my pores from the sun is Yummy!

And both of those paths to nourishment are sustainable. And require no expenditure of energy from my physical form to process.

And as all life on the planet derives its primary source of energy from the sun, then why can I not tune into my own essential truth as a ball of light, and nourish my body as such?

Bypassing the sluggish, material view of my body as a physical digestive vessel. After all, most of our energy is expended towards digestion! As the Dalai Lama once said (rumor has it), "The body's primary function is to shit." (err - paraphrased).

Think about it - when you're fasting or cleansing on juices, your stomach doesn't have to break down food. Your kidneys and liver etc etc don't have to sift out toxins or nutrients from dense matter. Your intestines don't have to push along and excrete waste material through miles of tubing.

You have high energy! Unless of course your body is so bogged down with old toxins that it feels sluggish as they are released into the blood stream. (Cleansing and purifying which is the primary function of fasting in the first place ... get those toxins flushed out!

So, my purpose in observing this is simply to suggest my vision - that rather than curing world hunger by growing more and more food (which is questionably nutritious, considering the depleted mineral content of most soil), and pushing around the planet to more corners...

Why don't we just teach ourselves to exist without food? Teach ourselves to dissolve into our truth as light beings? Grow lighter.

(why do we think there is an obsession with losing weight and being skinny? Because some part of our psyche knows that to carry dense flesh around is to weigh us down on this earth, in this dense physical forms). Hello, "epidemics" of anorexia and bulemia. Hello media that is obsessed with skeletal models.

What if, instead of pushing away our reality as it is being fed to us, we look at it for clues? After all, it is what it is. And it is perfect as such.

My body has fluxed between the amounts of flesh I've carried. Generally when I gained flesh it was because i was eating unconsciously. Habitually. To numb myself from fear, pain, etc.

I have experienced (as I suspect everyone has) that when flesh melts from my body, I feel lighter. I feel LIGHTer. (---and , um, errr - I am made of light! ... oh RIGHT). When we lose weight, I feel like I am floating when I walk, I feel no pressure on my joints and bones. I feel effortlessly in a better mood. I feel more confident, more in my true essence. I "look" better.

What clue is this giving me? It is not simply my ego wanting to meet a societal standard. It is a clue for pure motivation towards dissolvment of my perceived material world!! Into LOVE vibrations! Into LIGHT!

Why was tanning an obsession? Because inherently, our bodies desire to absorb sun!! But when ego gets involved as the motivational factor - body creates signals that we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason.

Same thing with anorexia. Why are we as a culture so interested in being sculpted? Because our bodies inherently want to be free flowing vessels for energy to circulate freely. It is only when we create blockages, that we bind ourselves. Emotional blockages, eaten and formed into physical flesh. Blockages existing simultaneously, on every level of our energetic being.

So, back to the point.

World starvation. Treat the symptom the same way as we've been ineffectively trying to forever? OR a potential for a new way of looking at food. Energy consumption. Oooohhhh, right...

And isn't every red flag just a cry from the dense world for us to look deeper? I sprain my ankle? Oh, maybe it's about time I slowed down and took some time off work to meditate annd go within.

When there is "chronic" discomfort, or injury, the sweet body is always crying out "pay attention to what is beneath!"

That is why it malfunctions! Because we haven't been taking care of our multiple layers of Self. We pay attention to our physical bodies perhaps, but not our emotional body. Our energetic body.

SO ....

I've always known that someday I am meant to help start a nonprofit.

Rather than start a nonprofit that spends massive amount of energy helping a small contingent of people in a non-sustainable way ... I vision something different than what's been done before. (Because has that worked? NO? Then let's try shifting the way we LOOK at the problem!)

How many "Walks for heart disease" or "Walks for peace" will we see signs for before we realize that this is a trite gesture! OK, ok, let me rephrase - I see the potential value of the metaphorical internal gesture for people who participate.

Ok, so, granted, it is metaphor for caring about a problem, but it is fundamentally just pushing food around on the plate! This is not a solution! It is a way for us to feel we are helping for a day. By waving a flag, or mourning a loss, or crying, or commiserating over a shared circumstance --- Without Learning! Without doing the internal work, and recognizing the external problem as a blessed mirror for us to look within!)

THE POINT:

I've always had a vision of starting a nonprofit to educate people about their energy. Awaken, attune, teach people to befriend their inherent truth as balls of light. Energy fields, materialized within cognitive perception.

So, as such, when people get familiar with their energy. With their intuitive knowledge of what is called "Chi Gong" or "Tantric Energy Cultivation", etc. ... They can self empower!

They can feed their bodies on light!

Why were we taught to fear sex? Because true orgasm and energetic union of two souls is a path to dissolvement. And fortifying your individual energetic sphere. (no, no, enslave the people in fear and shame and a base understanding of their truth!)

Why were we taught to fear the SUN!?????

HELLO!!!

I don't wear sunscreen. I don't burn. I am a fair skinned girl. BUT I have an agreement with the sun. I do not fear it. I have an understanding of it. I know that it nourishes me.

And I treat it as such. And I intentionalize my interactions with it.

And I breath it in through my skin. And i absorb it as my own Self. And i make love to it.

And it does not burn me.

Alright, granted, I make intelligent choices about when I go out in the sun, but even when I am out with other people who burn, I don't.

I had one terrible sunburn right after I graduated from high school.

I went to a river lot party, and I drank alcohol for the first time. No one had really ever talked to me about it, it was just forbidden, and i was sheltered, so I didn't understand it.

Sooooo, I drank a huge cup full of Southern Comfort. Straight up.

Promptly got WASTED, and puked all night in a stupor.

Woke up at noon, massively dehydrated, with my body in the tent, and my head on the grass outside. A lovely pile of vomit next to my head.

Meanwhile, I was camped on the side of a river, so the sun had been beating off the water and onto my face for about 6 hours. I went home, not knowing to hydrate myself, and had to spent the afternoon pulling weeds on the front hill of my house.

That night was fourth of July, and as I stood in the light misting of rain that fell just after the fireworks had exploded, I noticed that the raindrops were sizzling when they hit me, and steam was literally rising off of my ruddy face.

That night i went to a gathering, and went in a hot tub.

(of course, the steam and heat entered my pores, and found itself trapped under my inflamed skin).

Woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut, skin the texture of alligator skin, and a face swollen to nearly twice its size.

I used to joke and say that I looked like a fat, slanty-eyed downs syndrome child. Probably not the most socially correct description, but nothing polite quite suffices.

I was in such severe pain that i was moaning and crying for days. My mom put iced washcloths on my face, but there was so much heat collected under my skin that they would be warmed within seconds.

My boyfriend came over to see me, and said to me "Wow, I know now that I really really love you for who you are, not for how you look."

HA!

I always thought I was kind of an awkward, goofy looking girl in the first place. But if I had ever valued myself egoically, I was forced to surrender that. There was nothing attractive or defined about my face for quite some time.

My face stayed swollen for weeks, and I wore SPF 45 every day for 2 years after that. My face still has a slightly different color and texture from the rest of my body.

Although this experience was traumatic, it was such a gift. For one thing, it brought me down to my knees, experiencing myself as physically repulsive. (Goodbye, ego!). Secondly, it forced me to start talking to the sun. Finding peace. Working through my fear of it.

Forging a relationship with it. A communication which started as helplessness. Fear. Anger. WHY???

Which, now, 10 years later, shows up as Love. The sun gives me orgasms. Pure and simple. it infuses me with energy and blissful pulsations of light. Pure and simple.

PURE.

PURE.

PURE.

Why do people crave the little orgasmic blips that come from sex? (yet get emotionally fucked up by the entanglements that follow?) Because some deeper part of them knows the potential for pure, spirit-driven vibrational blissful experience that is at their fingertips when they explore more subtle energetic stimulation.

Moving away from gross appearances and into subtlety.

In the way we nourish our bodies.

In the way we make love.

In the way we interpret our emotions.

For example. Kim and I have SO MUCH FUN "fighting"!!!

We Don't argue, we communicate. And it offers us opportunities to surrender our egos. To accept another point of view. And to grow!

WOW! I fall more in love with him every time he exhibits humility. And we work as a team to conquer the ego reactions within ourselves. It's the biggest turn on!!!

Yesterday he was doing something. I told him that it bothered me. He got upset for a minute, but went within, always expressing love towards me. But processing his feelings.

Then we talked about how his ego had reacted to what I had said. But that if he took it as a lesson, that he had an opportunity to grow.

And then, as there is never a one-sided lesson, we worked together like detectives to uncover what lesson I could learn from it.

Laughing, we arrived onthe other side of the "hurt feelings", or the "conflict," having worked as a team to use our human experience to mutually grow.

Then we very excitedly started talking about how we could both carry our energetic space differently whenever such circumstances arose again. And how we could empower ourselves to be more grounded. And more love. And communicate with the most gentleness possible.

After our little "argument", we were deeper, closer friends! And the whole process only lasted an hour or two. From conflict to self reflection, to discussion, to excited resolution. To celebration!

We look at our interactions as science experiments. We are metaphysical sleuths! Partners in taking accountability for the fact that there is nothing outside of the self. So if someone is stimulating a reaction, it is a blessing!

I never knew partnership could be like this! The "bad times" are the most fun!!!!

It brings new meaning to the concept of makeup intimacy.

Snuggling and nuzzling after resolving our conflict, I looked at him with new eyes of respect, and deepened humility.

Wow.

AWESOME!

Meanwhile, the collard greens I had eaten at a raw restaurant for dinner were stirring around in my belly. Causing discomfort. Healthy and nutritionally packed as they might be...

Growling. Telling me, "eat light! eat light!"

You always hear "them" (experts ... err...?) say to "eat light meals," right?

Hmm ... and we re-angle the way we look at that statement. From "eating small meals" to literally "eating LIGHT."

And when I have an empty stomach, my belly naturally twists and contorts into intuitive belly dancing waves of motion ... isolating each muscle group in my CORE! And i feel so LIGHT!!

YES!

I LOVE THE LIGHT!

YOU ARE THE LIGHT!

Therefor, by deductive reasoning, I LOVE YOU!

AHAhahahahaa....

Oh, yoga.

I feel my bones turning to crystal.

Glass.

Prisms.

Refracting rainbows.

Making friends with my sun.

Making friends with light,.

Making friends with the frequencies of light that compose EVERYTHING.

Not being afraid of the sun.

Not putting chemicals on my skin to "protect" me from the sun. (Um, hello backwards reasoning - baking in the chemicals themselves!!! And our skin absorbs everything we put on it quicker than our stomachs absorb what we put in them!)

When we tell something it is our enemy, it responds as such.

When we treat it as a teacher and a friend, it nourishes our very existence.

Food. Sunlight. Conflict.

Oh,

ROYGBV!!!

You are me!

I am you!

And eventually, speech just ceases.

And ohms take over the body.

(I love walking around, ohming under my breath.

Or kissing, lips pressed, motionless .... sharing in the vibrational union of ohm ... locking together in sound ...)

Oh, ohm!

Perpetual sonic self-massage.

Oh LIFE!

Oh, existing in ways that ground in vibrational truth!!! Oh, absorbing new and creative ways of tuning IN with every experience!!

I have no hunger. I love observing my conditioned "needs" and pushing through them! (the way you push through a challenging yoga pose with your breath, knowing your body has no limitations except the ones you believe about it!

I love uncovering TRUTH!!!! Mysteries so obviously splayed , right before our eyes. And do you believe in magic?

Why then, there is your experience! Reflecting your beliefs!

I love this experience! Oh, ups, downs ... clues, gifts, clues, gifts!

And I LOVE how you show up! And I LOVE how I show up! Swollen face or not! Swollen belly with collards grumbling, or free flowing energy unencumbered energy orb!!

And I love you!

You are perfect! And receiving clues and gifts ALWAYS

Nothin' but...

NOthin' but...

Sigh...

Perfection...

1:12 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Five rights make a RIGHT!

It isn't talking about it.

It's doing it.

Right, right.

RIGHT!

*

It isn't asking permission to be something or wondering why you're not fully yet.

It's being it.

Right, right.

RIGHT.

*

Today I watched my friend "right" his way through a conversation, without actually seeming to consider that the alternate point of view was being presented to him by an angel. Who might help him shift an area of his life that he complains about often. I've observed him go into this mode before. His tone of voice shifts, his energy shifts. And I can feel him zoning out, being charming in his encouragement of the other person's talking, but not really listening or absorbing it as something valuable.

Just, sort of, "right, right. Yeah, uh huh."

There, a blockage to growth?. "Right, right". Which seems to show deference to the other speaker. Only to lovingly brush off the other person's point of view afterwards, casually. But aren't we here to listen to each other and learn? And know that we are not islands. And that our mirrors are our angels? Helping us embrace both sides of things. This lovely angel alsoo doesn't believe he has mirrors. Interresting. And do we?

Or are "our ways that we are set in" THE Ways for us?. And knowing "our truth" is The Way for us?

And if we're more focused on stubbornly maintaining our ways, aren't we ignoring the water being poured down our thirsty throats.

Is he blind to his speech? Am I deaf to my speech?

Seems I know exactly what I need to do to counter my resistance to things, yet I find temporary relief in discussing my resistance. Which is only feeding my block. And is nothing more than a slightly more refined version of gossip. Except instead of breaking down other people, I am breaking down myself.

Oh, TRICKY! Yet blatant.

Oh, how we say one thing and do another. Oh, how we defend our ways, lovingly protecting "who we are and what we believe."

Let's talk about it. What about if. I could learn to shut up?

Shh! And Look UP!

Right, Left.

Round and round.

Right!

RIGHT!

1:41 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Humility verility, Blip slips

It is raining

And I am learning to surrender deeper than I knew was possible.

My wonderful friend Kim and I have entered into an accelerated growth program together. No energetic blip slips by uncaught.

Our friendship love agreement is like a strainer, sifting bittersweet tangy grapefruit juice. Seeds and pulp caught in the wire meshing. Mouthwatering juice drop by drop, faster and faster, seeping through to the collection pool. Where a shimmering pink water hole glistens with the promise of breakfast ecstacy.

(no yoni metaphor intended ... though perhaps accidentally implied ... errr... and so it is)

Delicious! Strained pure growth nectar! Yes!

He and i are both so sensitive to energy, and so determined to grow. Surrender our ego's need to be right. Surrender our reactions.

Find the truth behind our "hurt feelings". That which will empower us to sprout!

Every experience is an opportunity.

Today I observed in discussion with him that relationships (after the honeymoon period of storytelling and mutual passion exchanging), tend to slow to the murk of conflict.

As my writing teacher bellowed over and over in college - "Give me more conflict! All interesting subject matter stems from conflict!!"

Ok, yes. But... how can we go deeper here? If conflict is inevitable, where is the teaching tool there? AHA!

So... Just as evolution of a story stems from conflict, all internal growth stems from external (or internal) conflict. When we see it as a tool.

And this is why communication and willingness to surrender our staunch opinions ... our need to Be Right ... is the key. To freedom.

Kim and I have spent the last few months writing at times a dozen emails a day. Expressing, examining both sides of, and working through all "conflicts" that arose in our lives. He was in Brazil, and I was here, living in his house. We were best friend pen pals.

We were aware that we had made a soul agreement to be gentle growth partners.

Now he is back. And we have spent every minute together, running errands together, cooking together, sharing every little adventure together. Being alone with spirit, together.

And blessedly, this has facilitated the accelerated uprising of our energetic connectivity.

We are both so sensitive that we are energetically telepathic with each other.

Obviously, conflict has arisen. But, in unprecedented fashion. No defensive confrontations (ok, that did happen once, after which we laughed at the uselessness of such power battles - "I'm right! No, I'm right! WAanh!"). Instead, shared observation of feelings arising, and discussion of what we can learn about ourselves.

Sometimes we catch it ourselves. Sometimes we notice the energy shift in each other , and bring it to attention immediately for discussion. it's amazing how fast things melt away when everything is examined with reverence.

Each conflict just brings us closer.

WOW! Who knew!!!!

Thank goodness for healthy, loving, compassion, humble communication! Who knew!??!?!!

If I say something and he responds defensively, or with any kind of an energetic reaction, I feel it.

Of course we all do, on some level, but i am far more aware of it than I ever used to be. (Or perhaps in the past I was just stubborn in my insistence that I couldn't possibly have done anything wrong, so I'd ignore the other person's reaction. Bury it. Go on like nothing had happened).

Conflict. Reaction. (Ignore? Address? ...)

ahhh

When we ignore, (one viable option, as all paths are valid teaching tools), this, of course, is fodder for buried treasure. Buried stimuli which compile and compile, and then burst through in explosive "You did this, and you always do that!" conversations, which have no positive outcome if both parties are not willing to surrender their egos.

But why bury the treasure if you can clasp it right away?

Saves much time de-rusting the coins, eh?

Arg! Aye matey!

So with Kim, every time something arises, I immediately address it.

"How are you feeling? Is something bothering you?" And I generally have an intuitive idea of what it was, though I cannot entirely know his past, and his triggers.

This gives him permission to look at his feelings instead of burying them, or storing them away as mulch for resentment or creation of separation.

He does the same for me.

And often we catch ourselves immediately. So I, for example, will openly express - "Look, when you just said this, It hurt my feelings. Which obviously means there's something there for me to look at. SOo... This must be my ego's reaction to needing affirmation ... which is simply ego indulgence. And I can release that. So Whew! Thank you for stirring up that ego response in me so that i could let it go!!"

And onward the angels fly, shaking dirt off their wings.

Kim is super awesome at releasing his Need To Be Right, too. So our friendship is such fertile ground for growth and learning.

We are beings of human nature, but we now understand the power of our tools. Conflict is a tool.

Conflict is inevitable.

It is how you treat the conflict - as an enemy or as a friend - which determines your rate of learning from it.

Because why else does anything uncomfortable arise, if not to allow us to release a way of being that does not serve us?

As a result of this, I have learned much about my tendency to seek external validation of my choices, rather than just doing what spirit tells me to do. Co-dependence. (It's easy to follow intuition when I'm alone, but when I'm with someone, we always defer to each other for decision making). This is disempowering.

Discussion and looking within is so empowering. How do I really feel? You care? You'll hold space while I examine? Fantastic!!

i am learning about holding space for someone while they go through their process.

(because we always know, deep down, what we need to release - sometimes we just need an ear)

I am learning to admit immediately when I am wrong. In fact, I LOVE being wrong! I love when someone points out, or when i can point out a place where i am not being my highest self. Those are the elevationary moments where i am armed with the most fuel to explode forth into the cosmos!!

YES!

And this policy applies to every relationship, every friendship, every encounter i have with my own soul.

Admitting i was wrong, and humbling my self to the lesson is unbelievably empowering.

Surrender, Humility.

These are attributes I began praying for a year ago, and I now understand their power. To heal.

I love growth!

I love immediate acknowledgment of energetic imbalances. I love people who are eager to see where they can surrender their old victimized ways and grow. Stop telling that story.

Be the change. Don't just talk about it!

I love energetic partnership!

*

Most beautifully, Kim and I just discussed the nature of physical intimacy as it applies to our relationship. We love each other, and we had begun going down the standard road of "love partners," but when we began that, much of our magic fell away into the murk of learned behavior patterns.

"This is what physical intimacy looks like, feels like, etc." And much of our deep connection, our creative interaction, dissolved.

We are such clear channels for spirit to express intimacy and love in unique ways. Those are the things I enjoy most! Spontaneous time-melting bouts of massage, rhythmic shared breathing, ohming, spontaneous love filled eye gazing. Talking in tongues. Communicating with each other's vital organs and breathing healing into bellybuttons. Talking into each other's livers and kidneys with vowel sounds.

And somehow, sometimes, those more subtle creative expressions of affection get bumped into muted oblivion when physical intimacy takes over your time and attention. When your animal instincts are stimulated, the more subtle vibrations descend below experiential tangibility.

We must first truly fortify the foundation of our connection with meditational connection, subtle partnership ... before considering louder , perhaps distracting modes of connection.

So we sat down and discussed this. Well, actually, as with all fabulous conversations, it randomly arose as we stood in the bathroom. Oh hilarity.

And truly, what each of us really want is the same - an energetic partner. We both just love to give. We want to have a relationship that shows up like one has never shown up before.

To show our love for each other in unique and subtle and perpetually creative ways.

So, in an act never before experienced in my sphere, we both eagerly agreed to step back (or rather - step forward - ) and not be physically intimate in ways that are standardly expressed by humans. Ie: 1st, 2nd, 3rd base and ... err ...home run.

Bleep that!

Let's show each other we love each other by being the first to surprise each other with thoughtful little gestures. Nuzzles. Hugs. Ohms. Speaking without words. Just knowing what is needed based on intuition and serving each other devotedly as such.

Being true love partners.

Sitting in the true intimacy of stillness. Exploring each other's inner children. Mothering each other. Holding space. Being a shoulder. Kissing an elbow out of the blue. Squeezing a finger.

Being gentle.

After all, this is the foundation of true love. Subtle generosity of unique and creative expression.

I get to romance god by the way I show my love to my spirit partner incarnate!

OH!

Life is glorious!

*

The other day we went to the beach and meditated side by side. When I was done, I stood with my feet in the water, and began gathering sunlight in my arms. Holding my breath as I stored it in each of my chakras, exhaling all unwanted murk from my depths.

WHOOSH! OUT, old ways of being that do not serve me!

I did this for perhaps 20 minutes, alone.

Then Kim came up behind me, and simply his energetic presence behind me created an alchemical reaction in my energy field which made me collapse in dizzying orgasmic bliss. He caught me, and held me up as my body quaked and spasmed and shivered in gentle bliss.

Wowsas!!

I continued gathering energy, and each release was deeper. He caught me each time. Time stood still. The people on the beach around us evaporated.

Then we shared space and stood together, ohming, and experiencing our energy fields merged as one. It was so peaceful. We were laughing and saying nothing. Just sharing space.

He then moved off to stretch, and i circled my neck, releasing anything I had stored on my spine. I experienced another release, different altogether. I collapsed onto the sand, into the ocean (oh dear, my dress got drenched! Ahaha!), and waves washed over me. And I could not move.

Just, Wow.

Oh, magnificent energetic truth, divine! Revealing yourself more and more, as I welcome you with open arms!

*

OH! I performed my music last night at Agape, and it was DIVINE!

The congregation was so warm, so loving, so expulsive with wampth and laughter and support. They saw me! I could feel my family, my friends, all around. Spirit stormed through me like a whirlwind, and I surrendered.

I LOVE TO SURRENDER!!! And Oh, I came back into my body a few hours later, blissed out.

Siiiigh.

Oh my heart!

Oh ... light!

And the rain is tap-tap-tapping on the ground. And my fingers are tap-tap-tapping on the keys. And my heart is tip-toeing against my rib cage.

And the sun is still beaming behind the clouds. As always! YES!

Love MAe

4:51 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Ice melting, Lungs belting

I have melted.

Who knew summer was the time of thawing...

I always thought it was Spring.

Although, you know, for those stubbornly iced statues of iceberg density and depth ... it makes sense that a bit more time is required.

So.

Wow.

How to put it into words...?

It amazes me. The power of intention. And the way life delivers the gift of YES in the most surprising ways.

I set intentions to be vulnerable and soft.
Shed my defenses.
Allow love into my heart.
Heal and exist as one who is free of the past.
Surrender to trust. (ouch - that one was a toughie)
Merge in union with people around me, and no longer find comfort in isolation.

And now.

Here I am.

Spending blissful time with my dear old friend.

And when we are together it is like being alone with spirit.

And we "are" what you might call quite tritely "in love". :) or rather, in pure celebration of each other's company. In delight at the infinitely surfacing similarities and perfect puzzle pieces in our paths.

In joy for each others' light. Each others' mistakes. Each others' existence.

And it is so simple. We are like little kids.

We've been friends forever, so we know each others' foibles, and we accept each other with unconditional support, knowing we are all growing and perfect in our lessons. Our conversations are grounded in finding the light and the core truth of love in each circumstance.

And communication. WOW. Who knew such honesty and openness was possible? SO sincere and exposing and peaceful and WOW. Compassion. Shedding pain. Crying together. Forgiving ourselves and others. Friendship.

Talking, confessing to our deepest darkest truths, laughing at ourselves. Having compassion for each other and thus for ourselves. Confronting things we've been ignoring that can help us to grow. Pointing out things we are saying but not hearing ourselves say over and over.

Skipping. Twirling. Breakfast in bed, constant massaged touch and foot rubs.

Dancing to no music. Sharing adventures.

Meditating and holding space with each other. Forgiving ourselves for everyone we have hurt, and forgiving the ones who have hurt us - seeing so clearly by reflection how they helped us become exactly who we are now. HOORAY! Gratitude for every last detail of our existence.

Making plans and supporting each other. Sharing zestful enthusiasm and encouragement and a shoulder and a laugh or two or ten...

And I have no expectations.

I am in surrender. And that in itself is a gift.

I am just allowing the perfection of the universe to Be what it is, when it is.

No desire to project anything.

Only sincere breathless elated celebration of the gentleness and connectivity of the moment.

And nose nuzzles.

And meows.

And melting through time in ohmed embraces

And eyes.

And communication without words.

And lengthy no-hold barred talks that last until the sun rises - like talking to a best friend and getting to the root of the issues, knowing you have a rock to lean on.

And ... sigh.

Peace.

Love is my oxygen

And my lungs are full and brimming.

It seemed so much easier to guard myself, yet releasing to trust is teaching me the depths of bliss within the phrase "sweet surrender."

Love is my oxygen.

OooHhm....

1:58 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Waving trees and human jungle gyms

I had the most amazing day today.

I woke up uber groggy. Cat licking my face. (Aw!)

Made a fantastic smoothie - holy Acai, cacao, coconut, apricot kernel, strawberry HEAVEN, batman! I've eaten nothing but live, raw food (mostly just superfoods! no hunger!) for over a week, and I remember why I used to love it so much! I was a raw food soul-jah at one time!

Prepared a gallon of superfood water, with a dozen herb tinctures, and over a dozen superfoods. Let me see if I can get them all ... Pure Synergy Spirulina, Chlorella, Barley Powder, Maca, Carob, MSM, Greener Grasses, Vitamineral Greens, Brewer's Yeast, Sprouted hemp and flax powder, camu camu, Crystal Manna, Bluegreen algae, Tocotrinols... WOW!!! Jah!

WHirrrrrrrr.,.,I have been buzzing all day! Getting high on nutrition and lifeforce! YES!

And then I went to the HUB conference, (Humanity Uniting Business) where I also spent yesterday, selling my CD, wearing angel wings and hugging everyone, and giving massages to a hundred people. And performing music with my friends, the Luminaries. FUN!

It was fabulous, lessons abounding ---- opportunities to shift. Yesterday I hadn't set a price on my CDs, so I ended up "selling" (and primarily giving away) 40 of them, and when the money flowed down, I received about 45 dollars.

Oh dear!

Which was way less than it even cost to print them. Much less make a living by selling my art. I wasn't exactly upset about it, but I did feel a bit "errrr---", because the Cds are my product - my means of income.

This led me to a beautiful, brief contemplation about setting a value on yourself. And learning to ask.

I know, I know, asking is challenging for me. But necessary to master! We need to know what we need and know how to ask.

Otherwise, how can anyone know to help you? Ask and ye shall receive...after all...

This experience has brought up my historical discomfort asking for money. (I failed fabulously at my radio sales job after college. Although that depends on how you define success - all of my accounts loved me, and I knew their kids' names, but no one actually bought advertising time. I was like Chris Kringle, I'd do the research and then recommend to them where their money could be more effectively invested to reach their target market. HA!)

So today I joyfully went back to the conference, engrained with a different attitude. Rather than just aiming to blindly share my art with anyone and everyone, I set an intention to reach the people who would actually listen and value it.

So , I set a value on the CD, turned on a recording of the music, and went to town just being myself and having fun. People who felt drawn to my expression of Self naturally gravitated to talk to me, and ask about the music.

Because i was just sharing from this space, people were inspired, and inspired me with their mutual enthusiasm --- and felt as passionate about receiving it as I do about sharing it!

So then they walked away super excited about the album. And How much more likely it is now, that they will actually listen to it and absorb it - having exchanged their valued monetary energy for it! Yes! I am learning to receive in divine exchange. BLESSS!.

It is ok to set a value on your energy! ahhhhh ... and OH, I still love love love to give so much of my energy to people as gifts. I cannot help but expel my love and affection.

I am learning that i deserve to accept energetic financial income in exchange for my energetic output. Energy is everything!

As a result, I found people WANTING to give me their money. Happy to be able to support me and contribute to my music. And super excited to hear it and spread it. WOW! Yes!

It was as simple as a shift internally! Yesterday I had felt guilty whenever I'd ask people for money, and I'd phrase it "Here, have a CD! If you want to donate, that's great, but you don't have to, I'd just love to share it with you!"

Which was true! But also not valuing the money and time and effort that went into creating it. And of course, a lot of people just took it.

And I felt so much better at the end of the day when I had actually made some money to cover my slew of impending bills. And I had hugged every purchaser of my CD. And we had exchanged energy. And looked in each other's eyes. And we had connected and talked. And I felt like each one of them walked away with a piece of my soul! That they placed value on!

Fantastic growth experience!

As with yesterday, today the kids were crawling all over me, and we were twirling and playing balloon volleyball (gosh I love connecting with kids! They give affection so seamlessly!)

And we're like magnets for each other, connection has always been effortless with kids and animals. I'm just a kid at heart, so they feel like I am one of them, even though I'm tall. I feel like I am one of them!

I don't think the twinkle left my eye for one moment, and my smile was just ear to ear.

Several people came up to me and asked me to give them reike, so I gave mini healing sessions for a bunch of people. Gosh that just brings me so much joy!

And my music was on, so as I was massaging them, I'd sing the messages from my music into their ears, in conjunction with the rhythmic imprint of my fingertips into their muscles. Silent communications and vocal ones. MAGIC!

I met some amazing people who are doing fantastic things with media and consciousness. And who are just super supportive and loving. it's so exciting to be at an event where you meet these magical down-to-earth human beings who are all working for the same goal. And who possess skills that cover the spectrum.

We are here to help each other.

And work in an interconnected web,, sewing seamless strands of creativity together into a web of freedom.

Supporting each other.

Then I drove my buddy Javis home (now referred to as "Hugs", as his last name is Huggins - fun!)

We stopped and shared a meal at Euphoria Loves Rawvolution, the raw food restaurant where i used to work. I've eaten all raw for many many days now, and have never felt better in my body. Never hungry. Only eating for nourishment.

Javis (ooops- Hugs!) is having a baby, so we shared some wonderful celebration of that. I got to put my head against his love's belly last night, and hold her swollen womb in my hands. Giving reike to the baby. Wow, what a powerful little being...

We ate together in silence, chewing in meditational reverie, and occasionally sharing little special ways that we like to connect with god. Little insights. It was so peaceful! So grounding. So uplifting!

There were a bunch of friends at the restaurant, as it is a bit of a social hub, a mecca of sorts , for the community.

Many beautiful little connective tips shared.

Breathing in as deeply as we can to fill our lungs with air, then sipping a wee bit more to expand our lung capacity. Then exhaling as deeply as possible, to push out every last ounce of stagnant air from the deep welled chambers of our lungs.

(How many times can I use the word lungs in one paragraph, i wonder).

It's so interesting, just this morning, I was contemplating whether or not i was capable of receiving love. Whether I felt worthy. I was feeling rather self-doubting. Dissecting myself.

Funny how that's easy to do when you're sitting alone in front of a computer screen with nothing but keys in front of you and an empty page. So you sometimes just fill it with empty words, so that you can go back and say "oh wait a minute, that's not me! That's not my truth!"

I think sometimes you have to declare who you are not in order to know who you are.

Immediately thereafter, I went to this conference, where I was surrounded by friends who I really support, and who have really supported me. And who have been there, loving me, through thick and thin.

And I was thinking "why was I just tripping about how I need to learn how to be loved? I am so loved and I accept it openly. I love so openly, and people receive my love with such openness"

And i realize that it is only the thought of romantic love that makes my mind start spinning in circles. I am just obviously not in the place for it. Which has nothing to do with circumstances or people -- but simply reflects to me what i need at this juncture in my life. Which is friends.

And I have so many.

And sometimes , alone, I wonder if I really have friends. And if I know how to be close to people. And I run through all these patterns of who I have been. When I was a bit of a loner and a hermit. When I was scared.

And then I remember that it is not who I am anymore. And it was never who I really was.

And that is so much fun!

I get to laugh at myself and say "Wow! I was thinking I am who I was (while i was discovering who I am). But I'm not that memory of my loneliness! I am who I am! And I am surrounded by loving family. And music. And dance. And wind. And SPIRIT! And I am perfectly in my space! And I have grown and matured and evolved! And I am love!"

It's funny, I'd become temporarily addicted to searching for my flaws, that i might fix them - by looking at everyone in my life as a mirror, observing whatever struck me about their actions, and then pointing the finger at myself. I was obsessed with fixing all of my imperfections of ego, and purifying my soul to its extreme potential.


Which is a never ending cycle.

And I felt like it was helping me grow. And I suppose in loudly knocking circumstances, these things are our gifts. our challenges in the external world show us what is going on inside of us. BUT , truly, it was preventing me from recognizing my perfection, and the awesomeness of my life.

Because you are perfect. And I am perfect. And there need be no tainting of that fact.

And children love to be picked up and spun around in circles.

And I love to twirl.

And I love to carry my teddy bear, Snowflake, around with me in my purse, so that when the situation calls for it, she can dive bomb people with polar bear teddybear snuggles. And WHO doesn't melt into a little kid when cuddling with a bear?

There is a reason kids love their stuffed animals. One more source of unconditional love.

And when we name things, we are identifying and reminding ourselves that everything has a consciousness. Even "inanimate" objects.

And every time I strap Snowflake or Ted E Bear into their seat belts in the backseat, I talk to them and ask them with respect to protect the car while I'm gone, and thank them. Driving down the road, i talk to them. Practice honing and focusing my attention in silent communication.

And you know what? They are my family.

Muddy is my violin.

Miranda is my GPS system.

Matilda is my rubber brontosaurus who sits against the wind sheild.

Shippy is my car.

Snowflake, Wallace the Bear, Ted E. Bear, and Barnabus are my family of bears who travel with me.

Washington is my rat puppet.

Horus is the Lion statue outside the front door.

(and who is to say that things don't come to life while we sleep - like in Toy Story??? I believe they are always aware)

And I am friends with every person I meet, and every tree I hug, and every object or circumstance i encounter.

Because we are all family. And we are all teachers. And blessed students. And balls of light. And everything, everyone, every rock has a consciousness.

And the trees are always waving at us.

And the trees are always waving.

5:03 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

dirty dishes, cat telepathy and POOF!
Category: Blogging

I am sitting outside on a strikingly perfect day.

The pool is twinkling in front of me. A dozen cactus arms rise from the center of the enclosed lawn. Birds are tweeting and twittering from on high.

I sit atop red sheets that drape a pair of couches. Just made a sprout salad that was beyond divine. Set it out in the sun to absorb some sunshine lovin' before I ate it. Alone. Eyes closed. Sitting on grass.

Siiighh…

Earlier, Thaddius played me a video of Abraham-Hicks talking about stepping into the vibrational frequency required for you to align with what you wish for. I was buzzing afterwards.

It's so clear! Well of course! I'll post the video on myspace ASAP.

*

TELEPATHY

Morcheeba is stretched in a patch of sun. She is mewing in little squeaks, and being very talkative today.

Earlier I was scratching her and noticing how very attuned she is to energy. If I am petting her in absolute surrender and confident touch, she allows me to pet her with no resistance.

If I flinch for even a moment, thinking that she might not like something, or that she might scratch me – she feels my energetic shift immediately, and pulls away suspiciously. Defensively.

She's superduper sensitive to energy.
Oh, Cheebs, you're just like me!

At this point, everyone has communed around the fact that she absolutely understands us. We've all had experiences.

Today I said to her "alright, Cheebs, now I know you can understand me, so the question is, do you want me to speak to you out loud or inside of your head. Lick my hand if you want to practice telepathy with me."

SLURRRP!!

Oh what a gift she is…

Teacher!

*

MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

My sprout salad was amazing.

Apricot seeds, pumpkin seeds, sprouted sunflower seeds, sprouted kamut, sprouted lentils, clover sprouts, basil, baby greens, watercress, spirulina, apple cider vinegar, nama shoyu, flax seed oil, Udo's 3-6-9 Oil, olive oil, tumeric, cayenne, Brewer's yeast, dulse, avocado…

I've been eating lots of oil recently, (moisturize your body fro the inside out!) , and only putting olive oil on my skin, washing it with just water … and my skin hass never looked better!

It's funny how I get into a habit of eating food that's essentially dead. Void of life force. Void of nutrients from the earth. And one meal at a time, I just pass on the good stuff. Or eat half and haf, instead of complete absolute goodness.

"next time…"

Whatever! This is my fuel!

I have goals of divine intention, I must worship my temple and nourish it divinely!

I've been declaring to universe that I am ready for my purpose to unfold on a greater scale.

And taking action that is reflective of that. Going cold turkey on all my addictions. Everything I hide behind. Food. Stimulants. Judgements.

I sat today and typed questions to my higher self, and before the questions were typed, answers were coming through as clear as day.

Wonderful how a clear mind provides a clear channel for receiving.

Oh, lessons ..

What do I need to do to move forward in action towards my desires and goals?

It is already done. It is already happening. Just observe and surrender. Your desire to do so activates your potential. Divine assistance is immediate.

Your body temple needs to raise in frequency in order for you to be a vessel that is pure enough and strong enough and clean enough to hold the vibration that is required of you.

It is all happening. You will notice that your cravings for dead food have already begun diminishing. You are getting on a natural cycle of eating salads and sprouts and superfoods and drinking lots of water. Taking tinctures of herbs and drinking teas.

It is happening effortlessly, yes?

Yes.

You have lost your urge to smoke pot. You are cultivating a clear mind, an energy that is sourced by the clarity of pure, unadulterated spirit.

You find opportunities for income are falling from the sky. More importantly, these are opportunities for creative expression, which are rewarded by energetic exchange …. Yes? Yes.

You are creating outlets for creativity and creation in your life. Writing stories. Writing songs. Playing music. Cooking. Celebrating the joy of creation, and the many gifts you are blessed with.

You are having conversations from a space of truth and vulnerability and honesty. You are seeing others' experiences as your own. You are seeking ultimate communication. Which prevents anything from building up inside and clogging your mind.

AHH so that's why communication is so important! No residuals to mull over when we should be at peace inside!

You are stretching your muscles, and awakening your internal awareness through blips of meditation and thanksgiving.

You are waking up in the morning and giving thanks, and asking for what you would like help upholding and accomplishing throughout the day.

You are taking to spirit (inside of your head, and out loud) as though it is a person in the room – creating space for it to Be as present in your experience as a person in the room. And thus show up in your external world.

You are following your instincts and following the voice when it speaks.

You are doing everything that is necessary to shift.

Just create , create, create. Stimulate your innate creativity, and the many outlets you are gifted with. Explore new ones.

Just trust and give thanks.

*

AS WITHIN< SO WITHOUT

There is a huge pile of dishes in the kitchen.

I notice I have a strong resistance to cleaning the dishes.

Why is this?

When I have a resistance to something that is when I must look at it.

I have had the instinct to clean out my car, and to clean the dishes for days now…, but whenever I approach them, I find I turn a blind eye. I experience being repelled from the task.

AHA! Closer examination is in order! (widen the eye, lean in, adjust the spectacle on the bridge of the nose…)

I know that to cleanse and purify myself and my world, is a key aspect of clearing space in my life for development and growth. Moving on to new external circumstances that are aligned with what I wish for.

As within, so without.

When my external world is chaotic, it is reflected internally. Truth?

Um, yaaaahhhhh…. Jah,…..examining my blogs and my mindframe in the prior few weeks, I should definitively say so… I've been feeling insane with mind chattering.

And my floor has been insane with strewn clothes (oh my mom was RIGHT!)

And the kitchen counter has not been clear.

POOF!

I left. And now I am back. And now the bowls and mugs are clean. And I am feeling a weight off my shoulders. Once the dish rack is dry I'll do the next batch.

SUCCESS!
Whew! That was easy,

A little metaphor for me.

I am cleansing and purifying everything. My body. My surroundings. My thoughts.

And it's funny how the things we resist doing are the things that bring us freedom. They are our magical keys! Our red flags!

Just as fear is our internal gift – red flag – look at a faulty belief system …

Resistance to an intuition of action that should be taken is a red flag ,,,

Now let me take a look at those parking tickets. Ewwww… and taxes …?

Um, one thing at a time…?

Priorities…
And bank accounts. Interrrresting.

☺

*

THE THINKING GAME

Recently whenever I hear a little voice inside casting judgement, I catch myself, like swatting a surprise tennis ball. Then I immediately pray for forgiveness that I would judge myself or another.

Then I turn the judgement around and celebrate the beauty or perfection of what I was judging.

FUN!

And it's ok that we are all naturally judgmental people. It's how we are taught to be. Nobody knew any better. They were all just brainwashed and doing the best they could.

And enslaving themselves. We have compassion!

Now we know better. And we ride the wave.

Fun!

*
HONESTY

Interesting how whenever I am musing on something, spirit brings me an example in my physical world to exemplify the lesson I am mulling over.

Our lessons are like semesters in school … when we reach a pinnacle, final exam, we know the cyclic lesson is nearing completion.

Last night I was musing Truth.

Today I am gifted a beautiful example of someone who just lives his truth, whether you like it or not.

Thaddius is a perfect example of absolute honesty. And as a result, everyone has mad love and respect for him. Even if they disagree, or don't like what he chooses. Like right now, I asked him if he wanted to come sit outside with me while I eat.

He paused for a second, and said "that feels like a no"

AHAHA!

When I first met him , and he'd say "that feels like a…." And I'd be slightly put off, of think he was being vague. Or rude. (HA – my judgments!) But then I grew to realize – he's just being absolutely, 100 percent honest! And what more would I want from someone?

NOTHING!

Once, a few years ago, someone told me that I was always making them do things, that they didn't necessarily want to do. Because I'd be so enthusiastic that I'd rally the troops to go or do something.

But that wasn't my fault. I was just enthusiastic. They were the ones following my energy. I can't make anyone do anything. They just have the opportunity to ground in their truth. If they don't want to do something, no one can make them.

Oh me and my weapon of zest. I didn't even realize the power I was wielding.

Now that I see it, I don't want to use it. Why would I want someone to do something they don't want to do?

I can still be excited! I can be excited and do my thing! And if other people see how much fun my inspiration might be, they can hang out!

No pressure!

's aaaaaallllll goooooood!!!!

*

COMMUNICATION

I love it, I am learning to be totally truthful in how I feel.

Seems most people never learn how to communicate. So as we grow, we learn by trial and error. As we learn to communicate with each other. We are each other's testing grounds. Or punching bags, as the case may be.

Until we learn to speak truth.

A guitarist just called me about putting together a band for me. He was suggesting we could do some covers of songs he likes. And I said, with gratitude, but very clear in my desires, "Just so you know where I'm at, I'm only interested in doing original material, but thank you"

And he was surprised for a minute, but ultimately happy. People want us to be honest, even if it's not what they think they want us to do.

MUSIC ROCKS!!!!!*

So I am sitting on my red couch. And the leaves are all waving at me (hello hello!!! So friendly, you are! Just like me! Let's all wave at each other all the time! I love to wave at strangers! Why NOT!?)

Fun. ! YES!

And I am surrounded by animals and trees and friends and life.

And I am very. Very happy.

And I am going to go play some violin.

Now I've got to do upload that Abraham-Hicks video. It ROCKS!

Especially when listened to with eyes closed

;)

And I am going to clip my toenails.

And wash some plates.

And maybe

Just maybe

Clean out my car…

My home.

My heart.

Siiiigh ... I am passionately, fervently in love with spirit. Oh, dance ... oh...wind ... Ohhhhh

4:35 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Flip flopped Perfection and toed socks

AHA! I am tingling!

I know nothing, but I am getting something here! An itch inside of my left eyelid! A simple truth ... about TRUTH!

I feel such freedom

in recognizing that i cannot (and do not want to) expect anything of anyone

except myself.

And why would I want to?

That is so caging. (like a cricket in a ghekko den) ...(chirp chirp CHI---)

I cannot expect anyone communicate openly. Or act in a certain way. Or even be who they say they are. (we are always changing ... so why not just embrace our ever morphing sensibilities in knowledge of freedom and acceptance, and clear the way for absolute truth?)

I feel like this world exists not for us to do what we think we should do ... or what we think others want us to do ... but , rather, to just to do what we do! And don't look at it as a mistake. Or a flaw. But to just be splayed wide open in truth.

"Mister Bossman, I was late because I got caught up flossing my teeth and I was stoned, and the sensation of gum massage was entrancing. So I'm sorry I missed our date."

"oh, Cool!"

"Cool?"

"Totally Cool! How refreshing! Thanks for being true!"

And the barriers fall down. Shatter and de-crystalize with love's silent sonic blasts. Because we're the only ones we are hiding anything from anyway .... HAHAHA!

And you think of the silly game we played (and maybe still play) with our parents, not wanting them to know who we are, assuming we'll be judged ... so then of course they feel the energy of blockage, and they assume it's worse than it is!

I love you, mom and dad

it is so darned funny, the way we assume how others might prefer for us to behave.
((((Vhatever, silly rabbit!))))

Why would I want you to live by my truth? It's MY truth! I want to know you for you! Not you being who you think I want you to be!

And it seems when we like someone we mirror their truth because we want them to like us ... but that inevitably doesn't last, because you can only live by your truth. And anything else is you lyiing to yourself. So if you "agree" with someone else's values, harmlessly, maybe even subconsciously, to bond with them ... you are creating a feedback loop that will inevitably self destruct. You can't possibly maintain that, or you won't be true to yourself.

to thine own self be true!

And it is only when you are True to yourself, not trying to please anyone else, with any motives ... that trust can exist. Because then sincerity resonates, and trust is effortless. And even if your values aren't theirs ... they can trust and respect your integrity. They may not be able to count on you to do what they want you to do . But - you know what ? - YAY! - they can count on you to be You!

Why would we want to cage ourselves in someone else's value system?

Embody yours!

And as sacred self-partnership is the key (in my opinion) to ascension ... anything less than perfect honesty and perfect vibrational alignment with myself is not going to unlock the inner alchemy of magic.... or draw in a partner who can merge with me in absolute integrity. (Come to me, freedom!) So anything less is a waste of time.

Here's the best part. It's not about them! They aren't real! They are mirrored projections of my mind! SO It's all about me! My holding MY truth.

EEK!

Back to anything else being "A waste of time" -- as far as my sensory experience dictates, I am still in this time-space matrix, and I'd like to free myself ... so I'm in something of a patient hurry to find that key and lock!

And we are all becoming telepathic in the first place. So why would we inhibit our intuitive abilities from unfurling, by blocking the tests that the universe gives us to resonate in absolute truth and integrity?

Whether it's telling the truth about why we're late. Or telling the truth about what happened last night. Or telling the truth about who we are, and what we need, and being OK with that! No one is going to hate you if you are being True!

And the energy, it just sits there, telling truth. And it is so thick I can nearly touch it.

And my semi-psychic, energetically sensitive mind wonders if I should ask the questions that might illuminate my intuitions with detail... but why? Would I really mind if I were right or wrong? It's more curiosity than anything. Wondering how tuned in, in accuracy, I really am.

So I just let it be.

Knowing that everything is what it is...

And I am tutting, and sighing, and smiling, and nodding my head.

It's all ok. It's all alright.

It's perfect.

It's perfect!!

I want nothing from this world ...

except maybe a warm pair of socks.

Yes, that would be nice.

And a footrub.

Yes.

That would be

Excellent.

1:25 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

BLEEPING (or not) with Maude

Tonight I watched the first hour of Harold and Maude.

My love in college was a brilliant philosopher / filmmaker.

He and I spent a year and a half just watching and (occasionally) making movies together.

Beautiful sweet soul. Brilliant thinker. Magnificently brooding dark side.

Harold and Maude was his favorite movie, but somehow we never watched it together. I felt like his ghost was visiting me tonight while I watched.

He taught me so much about looking at my world, not taking things at face value, looking beneath the surface of the way we are taught to perceive life. He was probably the most brilliant man I've ever met.

Taught me so much about ... who knows what he taught me ...

but it was good. And I grew.

And *wOw* this movie is rocking my world.

This fabulous 80 year old woman, Maude, is just so dynamic and "who gives a fuck what anyone thinks"

And vivacious.

And WOW.

I am so inspired by her character to just be free, and be free, and be free....And explore my curiosities, and my potentials ...

I look back to when Brook and I were together, and he was always discussing.... And musing. And mulling. And now that i look at it, he probably taught me how to overthink - actively.

Which has been my path to unravelling all those things i was unconsciously thinking ...

in the first place

And I look at Maude's freedom.

And I realize that's what he was always seeking.

And what we all are.

To just not give a bleep.

BLEEP!

1:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Flame, heat, passion, compassion

Wow

Have you ever been in the middle of a transformation

Internally

That's been happening for a long time ... maybe years

And you feel like the vortex of growth and expansion and contraction and HOLYSHITWHATTHEBLEEPISHAPPENINGINSIDEOFMYBRAINANDMYLIFE!!!! (yes, shit is holy too!) ...is all culminating into the very near future or maybe even - GASP - this very point in time??

I am sitting here

I am looking at how my life goes in waves of feeling absolutely in the flow of bliss and awareness of truth ... and chaotic insanity that threatens to tear apart the fibers of my perceived reality.

Oh, this whole non-duality thing ... it can be maddening.

Oh, this whole everything-is-One truth can be so confusing when we look at constructs of 3D "reality"

Oh, this whole non-attachment is freedom concept can boggle the heart

And this is what I do not know, that I think I know...

I know nothing.

When I let my brain go, she takes off like the wind.

I sought peace of mind in non-attachment. And found it. Temporarily. Along with isolation. And healing. And my grip on how to function in this world

-I gave away my things, my apartment, my attachments.
-I became a nomad and moved around whenever and where ever my heart pleased.
-I formed lots of wonderful transitory relationships with people who were my teachers.
-I learned how to feel from the depths of me
I learned that everyone around me Is Me, and their experience is my Own, (if I can just step back and be honest and have compassion for myself)
-I learned to connect with myself by really caring about what I have been through and hugging myself.
-I toyed with the principles of manifestation.
-I decided i preferred surrender and faith.

I thought I knew the answers.
I remembered that i know nothing.
I remembered that compassion and humility and GRATITUDE are everything.

Grace.

And there we have it.

Amazing Grace.

My life, summed up.

And so it is.

And I am sitting here, taking deep breaths. And thinking back to a time in my life when I felt really grounded. And really in my body. And really in my strength.

And it was when I remembered every moment of my life that my only job in life is to have faith.

In the perfection of it all. We are balls of light, miniature suns.

And a flame is always hot. Warm.
And a smile is always warm. Hot.
And passion is hot. And compassion is warm.

And coldness ... has no business in a warm heart. And vulnerability is the antidote to coldness.

Is the antidote to isolation.

Is the antidote to everything.

And loving our light and our dark, like we love the night and the day. Acceptance

Being soft.

Letting the energy flow freely, in absolute honesty. Who can we make fools of ourselves to? Who are we protecting ourselves from?

Who are we trying to teach these lessons to so vehemently???

Ourselves...

ooooh yeah....

It's you, little one

Don't you see it's been you all along?

Coming out of me?

love MAe

4:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment