John McCain is pulling his campaign from Michigan because Barrack Obama is so far ahead in the polls. Read about it here.
I would've figured of ALL people, he'd SURGE the state. Send in MORE campaigners, double the TV ads. There's no room for defeat! This is a WAR for the White House and McCain is gonna cut and run?
Flood the state McCain! Focus the majority of your campaign funds on Michigan. Heck, BORROW money if you need to. You GOTTA win that state. The most important thing in your life right now should be Michigan. That's all I want to hear on the news is about the Michigan battle ground in the war for the White House. After all, losing Michigan is a direct threat to your campaign.
You can't just raise the white flag and call it quits. Imagine the fall out! Without a strong McCain presence in Michigan, the Obama faction will completely DESTROY any of its rival voters. Who KNOWS what could happen then.
Actually, come to think of it, with most of the residents of Michigan being either employed under the protection of labor unions, unemployed due to outsourcing and corporate failure, or a poor minority in Detroit, maybe the McCain campaign shouldn't have been in Michigan to begin with. Maybe from the start the campaign was fighting an uphill battle. Maybe the McCain people just don't understand the people of Michigan and tried to involve themselves in a state that wasn't actively looking for something new.
Hmmmm...
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Here's here's my non-partisan take on The Surge...
McCain likes to keep bringing up the surge and how it worked. But what I hear is this...
"Hey, remember that time we dug a hole, filled it with shit, then fell in over our heads? But then we worked our way over to the side of the hole and pulled our heads up out of the shit just enough to breathe? That WORKED!"
So, yeah. I guess he's right. We're covered in shit, but we've got some breathing room.
Enjoy the debate tonight. I'll hit the Obama/Biden ticket on the next blog.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
:
American Patriot
By
Lee Greenwood
Release date: 2007-06-19
I propose secession California, you game..?
Category: News and Politics
So when you make bad decisions, the government bails you out. Where do I sign up?
I guess it pays to be Republican.
So all the banks are going under because they didn't want to be outdone on what unemployed, uneducated, under-qualified rube they'd be willing to dole out shady loans to. Black Monday round two is encroaching. Time to cash out your stocks and especially your bonds and buy as much gold and oil as you can.
Our centegenerians may remember the days before the stock market fell. When buyers without money speculated in the market buying stocks on margin (read: "credit"), inflating the stocks' prices, but not their value. "Oops! Sorry broker. I don't have the money to pay for my stocks." And another company bites the dust. They may remember last time our economy collapsed because of poor lending choices. Well, these are the preliminary days of OUR great depression youngsters. Too bad none of us know how to farm or build anything. Leave that to the Mexicans.
We have other marketable skills, like teaching yoga.
Strap in and head for the dust bowl America! Your house and job are on their way out. Maybe we'll get another Steinbeck out of it.
Nope. Wait. Hold on. The government's gonna fix it! They're gonna buy out the companies that are going bust. On margin. With China's money.
Sounds like a sound business move. It worked so well in the 20's!
So from what I understand, the government is loaning money to these companies so they can stay afloat. The government will now own 70% of Lehman Bros and an even higher percentage of Fannie/Freddie May/Mac. It's every Liberal's dream! Being lived out by the most conservative group we've had in Washington in my lifetime. The fiscally sound, "smaller government" group of Republicans is in charge of buying out failing companies to ensure a free market. Yup. That's how they're spinning it. A free market, owned by the government. Hey, the Cubans/Koreans/Chinese/Russians bought it. And THEIR kids can read! Of COURSE the Americans will buy it.
So (somebody PLEASE explain this to me) it's cool for the government to be in charge of our investments, but not our medicine? THAT would be too socialistic for a government to be in charge of health care. It would be a SOCIALIST move to have a government tell you what doctor to use. You don't want the government getting involved in your health do ya? You're not a socialist.
As far as I understand, when the government owns your money and your assets, that's not socialist, it's communist.
You're on your own for that medical bill. That doctor's bill that's causing 1000's of Americans a week to file bankruptcy with no government bailout. They're just people, not banks. We got a free market!
A capitalist society can't work if PRIVATE BUSINESSES can't fail. When the government floats a company, they've just taken business away from the competition. They've leveled the playing field. They've decided the companies' future. These companies now have as much say in their future as a Chinese gymnast.
At some point we all need to pull our heads out of our lazy, overweight asses, and stop blindly saying that we're the greatest country in the world. If having a government that bails out businesses before citizens, that can't make a decision on ANY issue (environment, medicine, marital rights, etc.) because some members are red and some are blue, that can't start a war they can't win or finish (Vietnam, Korea, Iraq, Drugs, Poverty, Terror, etc.), that will fund something as pointless and wasteful as NASA but has "moral" (read: "religious") issues with stem cell research, that will lock people up for possessing substances that might hurt their body but provide Taco Bell lunches to its school kids, that will punish its teachers for having dumb students but won't provide the kids with books and supplies, is the government that heads the greatest country in the world, then I'm done.
I quit.
I am no longer an American. You can take back my citizenship. I never asked for it, I don't care about it, and frankly, I'm embarrassed by it. It's all yours. You can put it in your pickup. You can hang it from a pole. Do whatever you want with it. I'm done with it.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
:
Bodies
By
The Bodies
Release date: 1999-09-28
Two big issues on the campaign trail this year are Immigration and the cost of Energy.
I got a way to tackle both.
Don't build a wall at the border, build a series of giant hamster wheels connected to power producing turbines. You want to enter the country? You have to run on the hamster wheel until you generate your pre-determined fair share of electricity.
Once you've hit the mark, an INS agent is there to greet you and give you a work permit. It'll work for any body already in the country illegally as well. Just head south and hop on a wheel.
Now we've got documented immigrants ready to work AND subsidized electricity for all the border states.
How's THAT for alternative energy?
At first I thought treadmills were the way to go, but I decided hamster wheels would be adorable. The border needs some dressing up.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
:
Raices
By
Los Tigres del Norte
Release date: 2008-03-04
I've been an avid watcher of the show America's Next Top Model on The CW (formerly known as UPN) since the second or third cycle. I think they run more than once a year so they don't have seasons. They have cycles. How posh.
Every season there's some sort of charity case on the show. There's always the "plus size" model who is just a fat girl with a pretty smile. Rarely are they actually model material. Last cycle there was a girl with Asperger's Syndrome. She was fine in the photos I guess, but she wasn't the best. As far as I could tell they only kept her on the show to see how many different ways Tyra could mispronounce Asperger's.
"It's so great to see a young girl with AUSS-bergers... AUSS-PER-JERS... ASSburgers... overcome her blah blah blah..."
When she ran out of ways to say it, the girl got kicked off. That's what's tough about that show, they try to show how open they are to challenge the modeling community, but not all the way to the end. You'd be fucked up to kick the weird one off in the first week. Give these freaks a shot at THINKING they could be models. What a great way to mind-fuck an autistic person. Way to go Mother Teresa. America is more informed NOW.
Every cycle has an eating disorder, a girl who's sexually confused who ends up making out with the bull dyke in disguise. And this cycle, a transgendered person. I would say woman, but I think when you still have a penis, you're physically unqualified for the title. They cast a few girls you'd never expect! so that Tyra can give a heartfelt message of acceptance and inner beauty. Which is a great thing to have if you're an X-Ray model. Then she kicks 'em off with a message of hope and picks a perfectly symmetric bulemic to carry the Top Model crown to next cycle.
It's irritating. Week in and week out I'm subjected to Tyra's convoluted attempt at teaching us all about the strong social relevance the modeling community has and how important being a model really can be. Models, you're not just selling jeans like we all thought, you're moving mountains and shaping minds. Now put on this peacock hat, hold this jar of mayonnaise, and smile real pretty like. There's a young girl crouched over the toilet right now that thinks if she can drop 5 pounds she can be popular and beautiful just like you! So remember to put on your role model high heels before you walk down the runway. You're important.
Last week they had photo-shoots that addressed their version of what's important in politics. I think they got the list from an 8th grader. "What's important in politics 13 year old girl?" "Ummm. Democracy and no war!"
The idea that a modeling show is anything more than an hour of vanity and has any more social credibility than Rachel Ray's cooking show makes me laugh. Tyra Banks fills these girls heads up with ideas that they can do anything they put their mind to then kicks them off the show and sends them out into the modeling world without anything resembling a shot at success. She's like Oprah, but instead of doling out vacations and cars, she doles out empty promises and politically correct cliches.
Contrast ANTM to Bravo's Make Me A Supermodel. In every episode someone was getting too fat. Someone else was great looking, but not "model" great. More of a pageant person. The show was layered with narcissism and attitude and showed just how cut throat the biz can be. Can't walk in 10inch boots wearing a feather vest? NEXT. There was no "if you just believe in yourself a little more, you'll be better looking" bullshit.
There was ALSO no "modeling through it" like Tyra likes to say. There was a LOT of "you're too fat" and "that's not your good side". Otherwise known as honesty.
Another reason why these ANTM girls have no shot in the real world? The older - and thicker in the arms - Tyra Banks gets, the thicker and more average looking her contestants become. At least there's ONE obvious piece of narcissism on a modeling show. It looks like she picked the first 10 girls to raise their hand in an average high school class, then sprinkled in a lesbian vegan and a tranny just to shake things up.
It's irritating when shows that should be mindless entertainment try to pretend they're relevant. If I want to think, I'll watch a book. I don't need to be educated in the middle of my judgmental Reality TiVO fest. I'm too busy criticizing their poses that I have no professional credentials to form an opinion on.
Just be pretty Tyra. That's all we want from you. The only lives you've changed are the 12 year old boys who discovered what a hard-on was for while looking at your swimsuit spreads. Did you do that shoot to show the effects of global warming? Maybe to stress the importance of sunblock?
So cast pretty girls. Tell the fat ones they don't have a shot. (Plus size models, I imagine, start as regular models, then have a kid. They don't come in the room drinking KFC gravy. But that's speculation on my part.) Don't cast the autistic kids so you can feel good about yourself then drop them from the show when they don't cut it.
And now you've got a woman with a penis on the show. I guess to show America that you can make it to the middle if you just believe in yourself. I know you're not gonna cut her from the show until week 4 or 5 so you can let "America" know acceptance is important, but come on. You think Covergirl - your sponsor, the main prize for the winner - is ready for a tranny spokesperson? Just let the dude off the hook and give him a couple grand to turn his scraped out cock tube into a mangina.
It's not your fault you're pretty. You don't have to feel guilty. You run a show about modeling - which YOU pitched and produced - quit subjecting us to pet projects on your show and just donate time at a Fat Camp or something. You're not gonna make amends to all the ugly people you made fun of growing up just by giving a she-man a fake shot on a shitty TV show.
And you're not gonna bring about World Peace just by Vogue-ing. No matter how many photo shoots you do. People will still hate each other.
The moral of the story? Never watch shows like this sober. You'll think you'd died and gone to hell.
Now I gotta go see how much talent America's offering up these days. THAT'S a show that will never try to challenge me.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
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I Got a Big Fat Woman
By
Chick Willis
Release date: 1994-04-19
I took a month off of my blog to do some soul searching and to find myself. Turns out I was in the sock drawer the whole time. But what started off as an ethereal, eye-opening experience, turned for the worse when I was abducted and held against my will by members of the Blue Man group who took turns using me as a make-shift piece of percussion. Hilarious to the viewers, excruciating to me. If I even TRIED to recount the horrors I was subjected to you'd mercifully wish I was dead just to relieve the mental anguish my mind is overflowing with. I won't go into details, but let's just say man is not meant to be juggled.
Thanks to the National Geographic channel, my sabbatical took me around the world without ever leaving the comfort of my own chair. I witnessed the most bizarre activities the world has to offer.
In Thailand I won 14 million Baht (Thai Money) gambling on a Toddler Kickboxing match between two of the toughest 3 years olds the Kickboxing world has ever witnessed. My money was on the underdog who lost his previous match by decision in what was hailed as the most corrupt judging in Baby Boxing history. He was still reeling from the decision - and motivated by embarrassment at having thrown a temper tantrum after hearing the results - and I knew he would come out swinging. As soon as I saw him standing there in his diapers, warming up on his Teddy Ruxpin doll, I knew this kid wasn't gonna go down. Underdog or not, he was gonna make sure you remembered him. And I do. I just forgot his name.
From Thailand I rode an elephant into India where I learned that the Hindu people were a peaceful people that believed it was wrong to kill any living being. I was hungry so the locals pointed me to a McDonalds which, much like in the US, doesn't use real meat and that's the locale where I first contracted dysentery, which would be the highlight of my trip. You see, every time I exploded, my waste would come together to perfectly resemble the image of the Hindu goddess of wealth Lakshimi and the townspeople revered me as some sort of prophet. They followed me around laying canvases below me hoping to get a shrine of their own. Word spread quick and I was able to travel the country, painting the walls of some of the most prominent tech support supervisors' homes in India. Until the dysentery wore off and I was hailed as a fraud and cast into the ocean; where I climbed aboard a boat bound for the Philippines.
I used my newly acquired skills of dysentery to make the crew laugh. I ate some of the food from the boat galley, a mixture of pig innards and spoiled milk, to regain my stomach virus which I then used to accurately paint in brown and white, scenes from the Three Stooges. I had to do this in order to save my life and ensure a safe trip to Manila. Stowaways are not looked kindly upon on Philippino Fishing boats.
I hid in a crate full of fish heads to avoid dealing with Philippine immigration officials and found out later it would've been cool if I had just paid $30 for a Visa. Well, you live and learn.
My Baby Boxing winnings had just about run out and I needed to get some cash quick, so I posed as a glass eater and joined the circus. My stomach can't handle real glass so I had to use Rock Candy as a prop. I made enough to buy a Stewardess Uniform and wig and boarded a small plane headed to Las Vegas which is where my sabbatical ended in abuses no man should ever face.
I learned a lot about myself on my trip - mostly to stay away from eating in India or a Philippino fishing boat - and I learned a lot about people. But what I learned most was that the Blue Man Group has no soul and no conscience. If you pay to see their show, you might as well take your first born put them in a zebra suit and throw them in a tiger cage armed with nothing but a long, hollow tube.
I've said too much.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
:
The Very Best of India
By
Various Artists
Release date: 2003-09-15
After a few months of sitting on a shelf at a soon to be retired comedy website, they finally put up our 2nd video!
Here's the latest Missionaries piece. As always, make sure there's a bottle of lotion standing by while watching our videos. They get pretty racy. Don't worry, it's natural to have those feelings. You can't help it.
Enjoy!
And feel free to share with friends. Or enemies. Or acquaintances. But NOT compadres.
Heroin: It only sucks when you quit...
Category: Life
I gotta stop watching specials about junkies. Every time I watch one, I salivate. I really want to do heroin. I'm having a hard time finding a reason NOT to boot up and main line a little Afghan sugar. I WOULD start with snorting but the show taught me that the reason people shoot up is because it's cheaper and quicker. Which saves time AND money. And since time IS money, that's an all around bargain my frugal side won't let me pass up.
On this show - Explorer on National Geographic Channel - they highlighted groups of people that were heroin addicts. Some of them for more than a decade. One group the show focused on was a young couple that sold magazines to tourists in a busy park to buy their fixes. They had a bag to carry their paraphernalia, the clothes on their back and each other. That's it. Just spending all day getting high.
To some people, I'm sure it looks like 2 desperate addicts clinging to a dirty, wasted life with no hope. They'll say it's sad that they've ruined themselves because of drugs. What I see though is two people that spend all day doing what they love, with the person they love, without any worries. That's a life I can get behind. No meetings, no appointments, no bills, no gas prices or economic downturns. Just love.
In fact, the main thing they buy, heroin, is one product that is actually CHEAPER thanks to our current White House administration. The black market is one of the only buyer's markets still around. NATO's invasion of Afghanistan and overthrow of the Taleban reinvigorated the opium production in Afghanistan. They've flooded the market with heroin, driving down the price. If you're a value minded junky, now's the time to stockpile your dope. Prices have nowhere to go but up.
One girl said she quit after her overdose. It was her wake-up call. Pussy. You quit after an overdose that you live through? It's a wake-up call alright. A wake-up call to let you know that the dragon can't take you down. If I lived through an overdose, I'd feel invincible. I'd double up my doses and kick heroin in the nuts. Like falling off a horse.
Continued heroin use leads to a chemical change in the brain. It introduces a foreign substance that alters the production of different chemicals your brain produces naturally to function at a normal rate. Much like a multi-vitamin! But heroin gives you a warm sense of euphoria. What's a multi-vitamin give you? Green pee. That's it. I'll take the opiate.
And heroin might even be healthier for you than a multi-vitamin. All the junkies on the show were thin. They didn't even look sick! They looked like rugged models. Jenny Craig won't make you feel good and write kick ass songs. I recommend heroin if you're fat.
Even with this short (and dare I say incomplete) list of positive effects of heroin, these junkies still complain. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you... "I've ruined my life. I used to have a house, wife, and a family and I threw it all away for dope" Where's the gratitude?? Heroin FREED you from responsibility and you complain? "I want to quit, but I'm scared of the withdrawals."
Ahhh, the withdrawals. The real junky wake-up call. Those 2 or 3 days of vomiting, shaking, hallucinating, insomnia, and itches that can't be scratched. Sounds horrible. Sounds like the worst thing about heroin... is when you try to quit! Those withdrawals are just a gentle reminder from your friend heroin that life sucks. So why not go through it in a permanent state of euphoria?
So grab your favorite belt, I'll bring the bent spoon, and let's make a night of it!
Heroin: cheaper than cocaine, more fun that a multi-vitamin, not for the ungrateful.
-CalexicoD
Currently
listening
:
Nevermind
By
Nirvana
Release date: 1991-09-24
The cruelest thing we have done to cows is adopted the idea of Free Range upbringing as a more humane way to get our beef. Let 'em roam free and eat the grass of the land and enjoy themselves before we turn 'em into an overpriced piece of flank steak. Make sure the cow is nice and happy before we kill them with kindness.
That's cruel to take a happy cow and just kill it. Give me the hormone injected, half retarded, caged up animal that's been feeding on its own ilk. I'll take the cow that's begging to be shot in the head over the one that gets to skip and whistle its way through the pastures before the ultimate back stabbing. I'm doing MY cow a service. Who cares if their conditions are so poor that they're knee deep in their own shit? I don't eat beef ankles.
Every time I eat a fresh cut of veal from some neglected, caged up, supple young calf, I know that there's a happy cow floating up in heaven thanking me for putting it out of its misery. You think the free range cows are grateful that you're eating them? It's not like these animals are dying of natural causes. They're being murdered by people they think are their buddies.
All day long they get to come and go as they please. Free to roam about the range. Maybe even a little scratch session under the chin a couple times a week. "There ya go buddy. Enjoy that. I'm raising you like this because I care." Just pullin' the wool over these innocent animals eyes before they put 'em down for good. I'll bet the Free Range cows scurry to get ahead of each other in line to be slaughtered. They probably think it's time for a massage or some ice cream or something. At least the fattened up, hormone-injected cows know what's coming. Probably grateful.
Do these range roamers ever wonder what happened to their well fed, free range, contemporaries? "Hey, have you seen Chuck? We were supposed to play paddle ball today." "Haven't seen him since this morning. Rancher said he's going to a better place. Some place called Whole Foods" "Well, that sounds GREAT! I hope I get to go roam free at Whole Foods."
So if you care about the cows, stop eating the free range ones. The other cows don't deserve to keep living in those conditions. Eat the cheap meat.
When I was in college, I had a job delivering shampoo all over LA County. Mostly to ghetto salons that I believe were actually fronts for drug money laundering. One time in a rough neighborhood, I was driving the van and a guy on a bike was riding too far into my lane. He'd speed up and slow down making it tough for me to get by him. Every time I WOULD get by there'd be a red light and he'd catch up. This guy was pissing me off. I hated him and all bikes because of him. Their shitty sense of entitlement to the road. I'm in a van asshole. Move.
At one red light, I stopped and he slowly rode into the intersection, not all the way, just ahead of the cross walk, almost slowing to a stop. Well, a car barreled through the intersection, through the guy on the bike and into the front of the liquor store on the corner.
In that second my exoskeleton of arrogance and criticism was teamed with a small appendix sized dose of humanity. My eyes widened and I felt bad for him. Seeing as how I had a front row seat to the show, I toyed with the idea of sticking around and giving a report to the cops.
Then that dose of humanity I felt became as useless as an appendix as the light turned green and I drove on through. "Fuckin' bike riders," I thought. "Time to get this overpriced shampoo to the underpriced salons. I don't want to sit in traffic on my way back to the shop. Someone else will sort out THAT mess."
