My Godchild
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

Sara is my Godchild. I miss her terribly. Her smiles and laughter, her wonderful sense of the world around her, her generousity of spirit...so many wonderful things.

It has been so long since I've seen her. Years. I wish I could reverse the rotation of the earth the way Superman did and see her again that last time, at least. I never had a chance to say goodbye, or tell her how much she means to me. I wonder every day whether I'll ever have the opportunity to see her again. If I will ever again be able to resume the responsibility I accepted before God.

I didn't choose or create the circumstances that have enforced this seperation. Adult family members made decisions over which I have no control. Others inform me of stories told that make it appear I have no interest in communicating with this special girl, or her sister, Hannah. Cards and packages I've sent have not been acknowledged. I have been afraid of hurting them with an attempt to re-enter their lives. I don't know what situation might arise if my intentions were misunderstood. 

In my heart a connection was born at the same moment she was. Nothing will ever break those heartstrings. Nothing will ever lessen my love for her. I can only pray that someday she will contact me. I can only hope that I find a way to let her know how much I have always loved her...and always will.

Maybe she will come across this and realize that I will wait forever - forever, Sara...

7:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

HOME SWEET HOME
Category: Life

Aaahhh...

No matter how many complaints any of us have about our lives, it always feels good to come home - after a trip, or at the end of the day.

I enjoyed a wonderful two weeks in Sweden. My husband has two grown daughters and a brother with his family living there. Being able to meet 'new' family was such a pleasure. The fact that they are welcoming and loving people had much to do with that.

The girls, Elisabeth and Hadis, are as sweet as they are beautiful. They are extremely connected to one another and share everything. An enviable relationship. After assaulting me with a barrage of questions and becoming seemingly surprised by my lack of hesitation in responding, I felt a joint acceptance. While the long distance adds complexity to our furthering this burgeoning harmony, I have high hopes for an enduring friendship with them both.

My Brother and Sister-in-law have two children. Their daughter, Malisa, was most generous in giving up her bedroom during my stay. She is an adorable young lady - inside and out. Shy and outgoing, tiny with enormous personality, Malisa is a mixture of all good things. Her brother Arvin is quite a character. Only five years old and he already knows how to win the ladies. He is charming and boisterous. It is obvious that both of them have received devoted attention from their parents. Which leads me to simply give thanks for now having a sister ~ something I have sorely missed. She would not want me to tell you of her many qualities. So, while she remains humble, I will shout here. She is honest, intelligent, compassionate, giving, strong, and owns a tremendous heart. And she's married to a great guy!

I was not able to see much of Sweden in so short a time. I remained in Malmo, a popular city in the Southwest, with the exception of a one-day visit to Copenhagen, in Denmark. During my brief stay I fell in love with the people and the place. The population and prices in Malmo have increased since the completion of a bridge connecting Sweden and Denmark, yet it retains a 'cozy town' atmosphere. Cobblestone streets, a daily open-air fruit and vegetable market in the city square, and plenty of people out walking and bicycle riding throughout the day.

I have often encountered a problem with smiling. For me, it has always been a natural thing to smile when glancing at a passerby. Here in the States, I find various meanings are frequently attached to a smile by its receiver, most of which are inappropriate. Such a different scene in Sweden! I was able to freely fling smiles all around! And...I received smiles in return. Quite a long way from New York City - not only in miles. Please do not misunderstand me. I will forever hold dear the city in which I was born. No other place is like it and much of the 'iron' in me was hammered out there. But it sure was nice to smile so much

I was finally able to discover the mystical secrets of taking a picture with my camera, and once I figure out how to load them into the computer, I will post them for you. What a lovely place.

Although I will certainly have more to share with you, enough for now. To the tedium of unpacking I must go!

Warm regards, Antonia

5:28 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

contest details for all
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Writing and Poetry

Good evening all

10:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

VACATION TIME?
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Life

I'll be going away soon. A two-week trip to Sweden. I can't really call it a vacation, though. Some of my husbands family live there and I'll be visiting them, but I'm traveling alone. We can't afford for my husband to take off work right now, and since he lived there for a time he's 'already seen it'. Having lived mostly in New York and along the east coast of the U.S., the furthest north I've ever been is Niagra Falls - and I don't really consider that visiting Canada, even though I crossed the border. Usually I like warm beaches as destination points.

I'm excited about going. Looking forward to seeing brand new things and meeting new people. I'm the kind that talks to everyone. In a way, I've used that as a tool to overcome the shyness I suffered as a child. Well, I've certainly overcome it :) I even began searching for people on myspace who live in Malmo, the town I'll be in, for information about the area. And I was not surprised to receive responses from helpful and very nice people - some who may even become 'pen pals'. (Do younger people know that phrase?) If you are one of them, and you happen to read this, thanks again. It's sort of funny to hear myself say that I was not surprised to find nice people, even though I often do, because many times I catch myself saying, "I hate people".

That's terrible, right? Maybe it's just where I live. Which, right now, is New Jersey. TOO MANY PEOPLE. TOO MANY CARS. TOO MUCH RUSHING. Everyone is in a hurry to get nowhere, it seems. People don't live near where they work - why not? Why don't those who work in the city and the ones who work in the suburbs live there? Why do so many people spend two hours in traffic each morning driving to their jobs and another two getting home? And I'm shocked that there are not a gazillion car accidents on the main highways every minute. The days I must be on the road during 'rush hours', I see the strangest things...women putting on eye makeup using the rear view mirror, people eating breakfast, reading the newspaper, one woman was brushing her dog on the seat next to her! While they're doing all this, they try and force their car into this lane and that, asif they might get to the front of the line if they zig and zag. Which causes me to wonder why the person at the front of the line is going so slowly...haha.

Can you tell that I need to get away to a calmer environment for a while? One of the reasons I get so crazed is living in an apartment. When I had a house, I had a garden. A big garden. After a morning of work in the yard, having my hands in the earth, growing food for my family (that I knew had no chemicals)... I truly miss that. So much, in fact, that I took seeds from a 40-foot tall tree and shrubs outside and have planted them as my own form of Bonsai trees. I say my own form because I have no idea what I'm doing - but they've survived almost three years so far! At 5-6 inches tall, I refer to them as my baby trees. See? Just thinking about nature calms me down.

So, I'm going to Sweden next week. Haven't been able to find the manual for the new digital teeny camera and can't figure out how to take a picture with it so far. Maybe I'll just describe everything I saw once I get back. We'll see. The last 'big' trip I took was a drive back and forth across the U.S. No camera, but the pictures in my memory are fantastic. That's a story for another time, though. I expect to see some beautiful sights up north.

In case you haven't realized it yet, I have A.D.D. That's something to laugh about. Really. Now this has a name and they give children drugs for it. When I was a girl, my Mom/Dad/Grandparents would shove me along and loudly tell me to FOCUS!!! CONCENTRATE!!! They did that alot. I have found some ways, in some areas, to maintain a sort of order in the chaos that should not be my life, but I'm almost always all over the place. Just like here, in what I've written so far. It's just the way I think. All over the place at the same time :) An example is that I am sitting here now, typing, instead of looking for the manual to that camera. I once went on a trip with a suitcase filled with still-wet-from-the-laundry clothes. I'm not good at self discipline when it comes to schedules for myself. I write many lists, but forget where I put them. It's much better than being disappointed at the end of the day that I wasn't able to check off all the items on the list, don't you think?

It's time I say goodnight to all of you... I'll check in again to listen for a "Bon Voyage" or two!

8:51 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

not named poem - 2
Current mood: awake

WHY, WHEN I WANT TO DO ANYTHING

OR EVERYTHING

WHY, WHEN I SAY I'LL ACCEPT

NO RULES

WHY, WHEN I REFUSE ANY BONDS

OR BINDS

WHY, WHEN I AM COMFORTABLE

WITHOUT

WHY, WHEN I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE

A TOOTHBRUSH

              AM I JEALOUS?

8:48 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

NOT NAMED POEM - 1
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

standing like a tree

you are my roots

from within your trunk

comes forth in me

what few sparks of life there are

your branches spread throughout

embedding you in my entirety

though we are in so different soil

living breeds in us like needs

then, when you wither

so shall i

such as we are together

yet still away and apart

once again

quietly,

i will lay with you

8:43 PM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

FIRE
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

FIRE

RUNS THROUGH ME

CAN BURN

BRINGS WARMTH

LEAVES SCARS

THROWS HATE

HOLDS LOVE

PROVIDES LIGHT

CREATES SHADOWS

BLINDS WITH SMOKE

RAGES AND EXPLODES

IS PEACEFUL AND CALM

FIRE

IT IS IN YOUR EYES

8:36 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

MOTEL IN THE MORNING
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

CHANGES

AN UNBENT HANGER

YES     NO

STRETCH A RUBBERBAND

SNAP IT BACK

THE LIGHT GOES ON

TURN THE TELEVISION OFF

OPEN THE DOOR

BRIGHT COLORS DULL

LOVE YOU FOREVER

CAR DOORS SLAM

WHAM BAM

THANK YOU MA'M

8:33 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

THREE GIRLS
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

THREE GIRLS OUT WANDERIN'

ON A WARM SPRING DAY

THREE GIRLS OUT LAUGHIN'

THEIR TEARS AWAY

ROLLER COASTER TO TOWN

AND THROW A BEER DOWN

WE SMILE AND SOON, WELL,

THEY'RE HANGIN' AROUND

THESE FELLAS DON'T NOTICE

WE DON'T NOTICE THEM

JUST HAVIN' OUR OWN TIME

AND DON'T NEED NO MEN

THREE GIRLS OUT WANDERIN'

ON A WARM SPRING DAY

THREE GIRLS OUT LAUGHIN'

THEIR TEARS AWAY

ALWAYS SAY WHAT WE FEEL

WISH WE DIDN'T FEEL WHAT WE SAY

BUT AT LEAST ALL TOGETHER

WE CAN PUSH IT AWAY

US THREE GIRLS LAUGHIN'

HOLDING OUR TEARS AT BAY

8:28 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A LEAVING
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

THE SONGS SAY TIME

WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS

BUT IF PEOPLE REALLY THINK THAT WAY

THEY NEVER LOVE LIKE I DO

I KEEP A PART OF EACH LOVE WITH ME

ALTHOUGH THEY SAY THEY'RE LEAVING

BUT I'M AFRAID THE PIECES LEFT BEHIND

WILL FILL ME UP ENTIRELY

AND I'LL BE LEFT

JUST A LEAVING

SO GOODBYE NOW

I'M JUST A LEAVING

8:24 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment