Selfishness

So it has been a while since I have blogged anything at all. Its been a really busy several weeks. And I am kind of excited that I get a vacation. Scratch that... I am super excited. I get to go to Barbados for 2 weeks. Meet family I haven't met... hang on the beach... get as black as night from the sun.

But that isnt the point of this blog. The point is this. My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I will be turning 27 on June 6th. Now slight problem. I really enjoy spending my birthdays with my friends. But I will not be here. I dont get back until the 8th. Thats sad. And still that isnt the point.

The point is I am gonna be a bit selfish for a minute. People always seem to have a problem with picking gifts for me. I dont say this because I have gotten crappy gifts in the past. I say this because I am often told that I am difficult to shop for. So the point of this here blog is to give people a helping hand should you make the decision to get me something.

List in in order no particular order. Well minus 1 which is the actual top of the list of things I want.

1 Money for or Gift Certificate for Tattoos. (preferably to Charmed Life, but am flexible.)
2 Gift cards to any of the following stores
             - Best Buy, Gamestop, Old Navy, Garden Ridge, Target, or any other stores that fall into those line.
3 Gift cards to any of the following restaurants
             - PF Changs, Malones, Qdoba, Puccinis. Anything good really.
4 Anything Gadgety you think I would be in to.
5 Ummm. Really I am pretty easy. The first one is the big thing I want. Well and an Xbox 360. But anyway. Thats all.

3:10 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Headley’s Way
Current mood: amused

Hey Everyone,

I started one of those blogspot things. This is basically a Headley’s Tutorial type of page. I can rant on just about anything when given the proper platform. My friend Jerica was nice enough to point this out and she and I decided it would be funny for me to make this thing. So basically I will accept topics from people and The there will be a longwinded rant of some sort posted up there.

Headleysway.blogspot.com to find some amusing things. The first blog explaining what I am doing and the second called The Art of the Hug are already posted. Make sure you have time or be prepared for multiple sessions. The Art of the Hug is really long.

Headley

8:13 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What A Couple Weeks
Current mood: blessed

I know it has been a while but I needed to write something today. (Yeah this is a "Christian" posting. Suck it up.)

I cant even begin to explain what has been happening the last couple weeks. I dont know where to begin. Just amazing work that God is doing that I have no words for. I am in awe and so ridiculously confused and I am totally alright with it. I just get to sit back and watch and be amazed. And I get to set my little hand to an amazing work.

Wednesday the 19th was Easter Baptism at Quest. After much working through and talking with my Mom, I put my name on the list which is very long and I was chosen. So I got baptized. I got to stand in front of everyone and declare Jesus is Lord in my life. I got to get dunked and while still sopping wet left the auditorium to change and never made it. A lady stopped me in the hall and me and a friend got to talk and share with her for a while as she is going through some of the same hatred and anger that I experienced due to to the same reason for a divorce.

We got to offer her a picture of what Jesus can do in your life. She still has a way to go but getting to stand there soaking wet and share with her was tough going back to those places but great to open up to.

I had been dealing with some cynicism that had started plaguing me right before baptism. That’s gone. How can I be cynical when I get to watch the miraculous. When I get to be a part of the miraculous. Between Baptism and then Easter I have not been so awestruck at the power of Jesus’ name in my entire life. 133 people (I think that is the number.) saw Jesus for who he really is and took Him at his word and opened the door of their hearts and lives. That was just on Saturday and Sunday of Easter Weekend. 2 days saw 133 people come home. How can I be silent about something so amazing.

And then last night caps it off with amazing confirmation and me getting to fully mark Tim as Whole Hearted on my Impact List. The day he wrote and posted his big note was when it happened, but the last week has seen Jesus break the shell that he had put up. Tim is a completely different man. Joy is all over him and it is so apparent. I could barely come up with words to say to him. I could only really cry and smile.

God I dont know what you are doing but keep it coming please. I am beside myself in just shock that I will never, and that I never want to, understand.

And as a very small side note. it doesnt compare at all. I get to play my first show in over a year tomorrow. The Swift Retreat is playing at the dame with Very Emergency. I am so freaking excited. All in 2 weeks, I get baptized, sing in 6 services, watch 133 people in 2 days go from death to life, see my roommate, who I have prayed long and hard for, break down those "timid" "hiding away" barriers, and become joyful and peaceful and then I get to have music brought back into my life in this way that I have missed so much.

HOLY CRAP PEOPLE!!! Cloud 9 is a distant little nothing below me.

Currently listening : The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi By The Receiving End of Sirens Release date: 07 August, 2007

8:27 AM - 2 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

updates and apologies
Current mood: excited

So things are a little crazy right now. Not in a bad way. I just feel like I am always going which is kind of nice. I had gotten to the point for a long while there, even after Chris moved in, that I spent a lot of time sitting at home by myself. Then the weekend would hit and maybe we would spend all weekend downtown at the bars.

Not the way I want to live my life.

Things have changed drastically in the last couple months. So let me flip flop and start with the apologies.

I know I havent been around a lot of people recently. Namely John, Meggie, Garrett, Sue, Aaron and all those who tend to fall into place along with those people. It is not a conscious avoidance I promise you. It isnt even avoidance at all. I guess it has kind of been making my way in some facet.

I know I used to bitch and moan about Quest taking over people's lives. And that is not the case here. I did start into some new things there that I have chosen to do which does make a Saturday night and Sunday more difficult to get out. I will admit that. But I am trying to find my balance. I want to be around you all. You are my family and supported me through a very rough year. And even John and Meggie, even though you dont fall under the belief that I have chosen, you all were also a large part in showing the love to me that got me to a place of choosing Jesus. So though you may not agree with it, I still thank you for your part in that.

You all mean the world to me and I am sorry I havent made a stronger effort to make that known to you. I am going to do my very best to get out and see you all. I am definitely going to be there for Super Bowl. And this Friday is free after band practice.

Here is the main thing for me right now. I need to plan better. I am not able to just do things on a whim as much anymore. So getting a text right when you are about to start doing stuff normally is going to mean that I already have something I have planned otherwise or is going on. Its great that Monday nights are now Garrett and Sue time. If that becomes, family dinner time where you guys join that is fine by me if it is fine with Garrett and Sue.

But a more consorted effort to plan things out at least a few days in advance would be awesome.

As for the updates. Life is changing daily for me. The sermon yesterday was about storms and what we do when they come our way. Do we run from God and yell at him and reach forth life preserver or do we lean into Him and rest with Him. My big storm was obviously over the last year. And I was so grateful that things went the way they did. I spent a lot of time in argument with God last year. But it was argument that led me to Him.

So here I am coming out the back end of the storm. There is still a lot that could go wrong. There is still a good chance of foreclosure on my house but at the same time I am getting daily calls saying that someone is showing the house to potential buyers. And there is a peace in all that. There is a rest in this waiting period. I can breathe easy knowing that whatever happens, God will provide and take care of my circumstances if I continue to rest in Him and seek to learn of him more and more.

I was on worship again this past weekend. This time just singing in the choir and also singing backup on a performance song called I Am God by Kirk Franklin. Be still and know I am God are the words I got to sing over and over again throughout the 4 services. By the time the last service they were so etched into my brain that that is all I can do right now. I know a lot of friends both at church and outside of church who are facing some big stuff right now. A lot of it really bad. My prayer is that all of my friends and family would come to rest in those words.

I am sorry if you are freaked out by the tone of my blogs now. I remember so many of them when I was so angry and so frustrated and just stewing in the dark places that I was. I cant help but speak the other side of it now. Whitney reminded me Saturday of all the numerous blogs I wrote about having no interest in being involved with Quest even though I was going there and liked it. I had no interest in serving God at all. I was just angry at Him and wanting more answers than I thought I was getting. And here I am all of 4 months later being up on stage worshiping like there is no one else in the room.

My life still isnt super easy. I am fighting to make ends meet daily. I owe some friends money who have been very gracious in waiting on it. I still have some bills to get caught up on. I struggle still to hear God's voice and to hear where he wants me to go. That has been part of my absence and I learn to hear his voice and know where I am supposed to be. That absence is my fault not God's. But I am learning and I am growing. I still have some personal struggles with insecurity and trusting my feelings and thoughts.

That last one is a big one right now. It has been a long year of learning and reevaluating everything I thought was one way. Reexamining my heart and my motives. Becoming someone who bares their heart on their sleeve instead of closing it up tight under a bottle cap. The biggest issue that came with my divorce in the personal realm was not distrust in others. I for some reason went the completely opposite route. I leaned into my friends, both girls and guys, more than I ever have before. But distrust in myself came. Were my feelings real. Am I really attracted to this person. Am I saying these things fraudulently to get them to like me or out of real honesty.

That has been a hard realization in the last month. I whole heartedly believe that I have just been genuine with no ulterior motives in what I have said to people. But I have been fighting with my feelings in those places. I guess it has been easier to tell myself I dont know, then to have feelings for someone and then have to wonder are those reciprocated. If I never know if mine exist, what does it matter if theirs do or not. But I dont like not trusting myself. I've been so confident in me as a person over the last like 9 years, that to be insecure is disconcerting again.

And this is a new type of insecurity. I mean I never believed that any girl wanted to be with me anyway. I about daily was shocked that I was married. So you can imagine a cheating wife doesnt help that thought process. But that one is menial. And it is also bubcous. I actually think I am pretty awesome and kind of a catch. :)

But the other piece is something I am working through. Talking through. Growing and learning through. My mom had a funny dream that she was telling me about today about me realizing who I was supposed to be with. I wont write it all hear cause it will make this much longer. But it made me laugh.

Okay I am gonna stop now. I got on a rambling roll.

Love.

8:19 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

This Past Weekend
Current mood: sick

Well, if you dont want to read something spiritual and about God then I would go ahead and stop reading here. Cause this is mainly about the power of God to change things in an instant. He has done it to me twice in the last few months. Not so much in my circumstances but in my relationship with him.

The first one was Men's retreat when he broke me in an instance. One moment I am set in the fact that my life is just meant to be one of never being worthy of anything and not being able to receive love from anyone. The next he has completely shattered that and just poured love out onto me. That happened a matter of minutes that Saturday morning not too long ago, but it seems like forever ago and it is something I will never recover from. Praise Jesus.

It happened again this weekend in how quickly he could make a shift in my heart.

This weekend was the first that I was on worship team at church. Now I was excited and looking forward to being a part of it. That hurt and anger from the previous experience had been taken away from me already. But the outpouring of worship when I got up there was immense. I know there were other people in the room at every service. But it was really like there was no one around and it was just me singing to Jesus. We were playing a new worship song that is a really good one.

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
Covers me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive

Now I used to hate praise and worship music. Most of you all know this. It was dull and talentless and watered down. Man has that shifted in me and actually in the actual music itself. Its awesome to see that people have decided that you can pour great musicality and talent into worship music. Thats how it should be. Where else would it make sense to push your talents to their limits but with worship to the one who gave the talent and passion to you.

So there I am on stage playing and singing like there is no one in the room. It was amazing. I have led worship before. I have played concerts. I have spent a lot of time on a stage. Never with the type of freedom I was allowed to experience this weekend. Even through some technical difficulties, it was still so different. When a wireless pack craps out during a show, you get pissed and kick your amp and stop for a minute and tell the crowd sorry for the delay. Here everything went on, people filled in the holes and I calmly (well as calmly as one can who is in a moment of terror can) fixed it and jumped back in.

Beyond that, it was a really humbling weekend. I feel like I would have normally chosen big headedness. But the excitement that other people had to see me up there, the encouragement, the fact that I was put up there for the first time right at the beginning of the year with the start of a really influential series, all just led me to feel blessed and awestruck.

God can do amazing things when you let him. He can change a life in an instance when you let him climb into the boat. He can continue to break the insecure, prideful, closed off walls of a stubborn, broken man.

So yeah that was my weekend. This week I am a bit tired and still pretty sick. I stood in my room for about 10 minutes this morning debating calling in sick. But here I sit at my desk at work in a really uncomfortable chair cause the actual nice chair broke. Actually 2 of them in the last 3 months broke. They were both kind of old though and in need of being replaced.

Other things are going alright. The deal with the house fell through but that is alright. Dicksie is sure we can get a better offer. I am confident in her ability and that God can do miracles. Continue to pray for that situation if praying is something you partake in.

There are some other things going on, but this blog is long enough as it is.

Oh, thanks to Mojo and my parents and my brother and his wife for coming on Sunday. It meant a lot to me.

5:56 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

2008 and Beyond
Current mood: anxious

Okay...

The New Years party was something else. You can take a look at mine and everyone else's pictures and get an idea. I wish Jake or Amy had had a camera on them during the countdown to shoot just how many people were there. It was a little crazy.

Now while I enjoyed myself the majority of the time, things got a little out of hand at points. There were also people there that I would have preferred otherwise. That party gave me a profound realization. I am not throwing those anymore. That mainly speaks of the upcoming 80s party that I am pulling the plug on. Someone else can do it if they want to, but I will not be hosting that one. Reasons why.

1. People that should not be there are there and cause trouble. Trouble like hitting on my best friends wife and obviously trying to slip her something. Also trying to work it with my boys little sister. I dont mind running interference, but there was too much of it that night.

2. Drunk people dont know how to keep beer in their bottle or in their mouth. It ends up all over the floor. Its one thing when it is all wood floors and it can be mopped. It is another when it is mainly carpet like my new place is.

3. Drunk people bring drama of all sorts. I don't like leaving what should have been a good time and I am in a foul mood.

4. I do not own the house that I am now residing in. I am responsible to keep up the value of someone else's property. I will not have it ruined for the sake of people who show a complete lack of respect for property that isnt theirs. I understand that it is not everyone that does it. But it only takes a few sleazebags to ruin the whole thing.

5. I am not the same person I was 5 months ago at the party in August. While I still enjoy having a good time and dancing and being with all my friends, I am different. I haven't been drunk since the party in August and I have really no intention of being. That is not a judgment on those who do get drunk. That is a personal choice that I have newly made. That also doesn't say that I have given up drinking. I will still drink and have a good time. I just wont be the one throwing the party that is responsible for the levels of drunkenness that were displayed on Monday night into Tuesday morning.

6. The cleanup the next day is ridiculous. (Sorry G and Sue.)

Now everyone is welcome to do whatever they please. If someone else wants to throw the 80s party, be my guest. I just personally am making some changes. I will gladly show up and do some dancing and have a good time. I will gladly go down to the Dame and hang and dance and have a few drinks. But the new year brings a new resolve.

Positives for the upcoming year. My life is new and ready for the beginning. What lays in store for me is beyond my own knowledge and I am excited to see what it is. New jobs, new relationships, new appearances. All these things are on the horizon. I am really excited to see what God has in store for my life.

I am glad to have the friends that I do. I am glad that my friend set is as large and diverse as it is. I love you all. I am also glad that my friends are as hot as they are as evidenced by my profile picture.

Much love to you all and I wish nothing but amazing things for everyone in 2008.

8:00 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Ronald McDonald
Current mood: animated

Long ago you wooed me with your wonderful thin fries that almost rival the goodness of the crinkle fry. You dazzled me with the greatness that is the big mac. And you further strung me along with the half pounder (You like double quarter pounder better.) and your "all white meat" chicken nuggets.

Long have I been a loyal patron. I dared to agree with your company when fat people tried to sue you for making them fat. I myself being fat have never felt the urge to blame you for my big-bonedness. I have calmly and diligently stuck by you.

Today you have scorned me. You have driven me away to Wendy who had lost my favor some time ago only to now regain it. I think it best you know that the words "we dont have the software for that" are not a good answer to the question of punching in my credit card number. Trying to put a plastic bag around my card and running it that way is also not acceptable. Telling me I should get some cash, further pushes the limits of your fall from grace.

Now I know that me handing you a credit card that has some damage to it is a minor inconvenience. I am by no means naive enough to believe that you dont have the software for that. I myself have worked in retail for quite some time. Even little ole Ready To Go Video in Wilmore, Kentucky has the capability to punch in the number.

How dare you insult my intelligence in such a way as this. To think that I would believe that this wasnt more than just laziness on your part. But you cant even call it that. You took the time to do something as ludicrous as wrap my card in one of those apple bit bag things and attempt to slide it with a bag on it. Really?!? That's your solution? You kid, right?

Then to top it off, instead of doing your job correctly you now inform me of what I should have done. If I had cash I would have given it to you already. If I had another card I wanted to use or could use, I would have done so. Do not insult my ability to pay you. If I couldnt have afforded your nugget goodness I wouldnt have come knocking at your doorstep.

For shame Ronald. For shame. Wendy has reclaimed my heart. I can get all the same things only better, for a better price. And she gladly gives me chili and punches in my card. She may have forgotten a straw this time but at least I can dip my fries in chili. TTFN Mr. Mcdonald. I will return when I feel your punishment has been served.

12:01 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Continued...
Current mood: sore

So if you see me for the next few days, I more than likely will be wearing my glasses. Yes I do have glasses. They are more like a reading glasses prescription than anything. They make me look good though. And my headaches have come and gone quite frequently since my incident on Monday. The glasses are helping me focus a bit. I was given them back in college because of migrane headaches due to the back and forth from paper to screen to computer and so forth.

Anyway, just thought I would share. Head still hurts a little bit. No I am not going to go to the doctor. My shoulder hurts more than anything. So if anyone wants to give me a massage I would not turn it down.... Scratch that... any of the girls I know want to give me a massage. Dude massage would be weird. But yeah neck and shoulder massage would make my day right about now.

Okay back to work I suppose.

Currently listening : Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness By Coheed & Cambria Release date: 20 September, 2005

10:17 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A Life Quite Ordinary but Damaging None The Less
Current mood: cheerful

I haven't felt this good ever. This may turn into a life story. I haven't decided yet but for now let me be frank and outright and say that as of Saturday September 29th 2007 I am a whole hearted follower of Jesus Christ. I am wholly his and will lay in his arms and let him guide me through whatever it is I need to do and that he would have me do.

I know some of you read that statement and got really really confused. Some of you were probably thinking I already was. Others were thinking just the opposite and that that wasn't even an option. Still others of you are probably angry and think I am just spouting. All of that is fine and I am up for the task of telling anyone whatever they want to know. Taking any flack that may come my way. But for the first time in my life, God's love and grace completely covered me and I was weeping like a little baby in front of 171 men who were all crying with me as I said before only God that I need Jesus in my life. That I couldn't do life by myself anymore.

This past weekend as most of the people who read this will know, I went on the Men's Retreat with Quest. I was fully open to whatever I was supposed to hear but also pretty resigned to the fact that nothing of any real significance was going to happen. It was really just a weekend to get away a little, hang out with some different friends and not have to worry about work or money or anything. It turned into so much more than I could have ever imagined.

There has been a long build up to this. I know many of you from reading my blogs have probably seen something growing in me. Maybe not. But I hope that me just being forthright will explain. I have been fighting for so long. Struggling through everyday just hoping that something would work out. Only as of the last several months have I been really hoping and praying for God's intervention. Yeah I had prayed before but it was always for very tangeable meaningless things. Knowing full well that I was never on page with God. Being a pastor's kid means that I could spout the cliché's with the best of them. But it never meant anything and my prayers were never meaningful. Subsequently, I believed that God just wasn't listening.

But all this time I thought there were particular things that were keeping me from being in that right relationship. Blaming others for my circumstances and my cynicism and all that. This weekend brought something completely different that I was prepared for. In one of our life group's gatherings after a session, we were split into pairs by our leader and told to ask each other the question "What is it we are fighting and is it the right fight?" Miraculously it was me and Chris. Chris and I have talked endlessly. Into the wee hours of so many mornings since he moved in with me. What new could possibly be said.

Then I spoke the dumbest words that I have ever spoken. In the midst of talking about my ex and having grown up being responsible for everyone else's well being and all that I said these words. "It was the hardest thing for me to look at my youngest brother and his new bride, who I know looked at my marriage as one of security and they way marriages are supposed to be and have to tell them that I screwed up." Let me restate the stupid part. "I SCREWED UP." Now I know my faults. I know where I could have shown Mel more love. I know where I wasn't always the best husband. But never was there any excuse for cheating on me. And somewhere in all of this, I had taken this and put it with everything else in my life and made it my responsibility. I was responsible for her cheating on me. I was responsible for her leaving. I was responsible for the well being of my little brother. I was responsible. And any screw ups ever and in any situation were my fault.

Well Chris proceeded to start telling me how ridiculous that was and how it wasn't my burden to bare. That the spiritual security and well being of my family was not mine to carry. That the expectancy placed on me by others and myself was not right. How could it possibly make sense that I was responsible for the poor decisions of someone else? Yet that is how far I had gone.

I have grown up having to be the responsible one. I have been the counselor when I never had one for myself. I have been the friend to everyone else when no one was to me. I have been the oldest son watching his parent's marriage fall apart and at 16 am the go between in the middle of feuding parents. I have been the one who was never allowed to screw up and when I did, I was very quickly informed of my failure. I have been expected to be certain places and scoffed at and laughed at when I chose something else. My choices have never been my own but were owned by expectancy, insecurity and the need to somehow live up to these lofty goals that were place upon me.

My parents are doing great now, but I knew that when my little brothers were looking at what a right and "Godly" marriage was, they were looking at mine. Not my parents. Truth of the matter is that Mel and I never once prayed together. We went to church for a while and stuff. But we never engaged in that life together. So when Alex and Hannah came over that day, I could barely speak. I watched my generally stoic together level headed little brother lose it and tears start flowing down his face. In that moment, I never thought to myself my little brother was crying for me. I don't know what I thought but I was so disappointed in myself. I had failed. Somehow in someone betraying me, it was my failure and the voices started that I was not good enough. I could never be good enough.

So as the day went on, I was in some talks with others and basically was completely shocked that this was my issue. I was thinking it was so many other things that were keeping me from being in community with others and ultimately God. I spoke these words to my life group leader Justin. "If I cant live up to the expectations of my family and friends and myself, how can I ever be worthy of Jesus." How could I ever be worthy of a blameless, pure, man who died for seemingly no reason? I couldn't accept that type of love. I couldn't in my heart accept that I didn't have to be worthy. Worthy of love is all I have ever tried to be. I never thought I was. That is what was fed into me all my life.

By no means am I saying that I didn't think my parents and family loved me. But this burden had made me so hard. The constant struggle to fit in. There have been some friends who I talked to about this a long time ago. About how terribly they treated me growing up. While they just thought they were joking around, it marked me deeply. I was always there for all of my friends. Whenever anyone needed an ear, there was good ole reliable Jon to take in all of their stuff. To offer advice when they asked for it. But the reverse was never true. My words always fell on deaf ears. So I closed up. I bottled everything up and just figured I was expected to be in perfect control and that I was never to show what was truly going on. Just another mask for me to put on. I was the perfect son who never did anything wrong and made my parents look good in front of the community. I was the perfect friend who never had any problems but always help you solve yours. In all actuality I was the perfect mess who believed he had no one in his life who cared and in turn God didn't care.

Even in marriage I couldn't accept the love that my wife showed me and in turn couldn't show her the love that she needed. By no means does that mean she had the right to go looking somewhere else. Fact is that of anyone on this planet she knew how much I loved her. But in a time of me being busy and being a bit distant, her demons took over and she chose to go somewhere else. I unknowingly blamed myself for her choice. When I said those words to Chris, they sounded just completely wrong coming from my lips. I sounded like a blithering idiot.

So Saturday morning comes around. We are having a final session down by a campfire. I was already resigned to the fact that nothing was going to change for me. Yeah I had learned this revelation about myself but it was just another problem for me to deal with on my own like I always have.

Let me step back actually. I wasn't in a life group prior to this weekend. I am technically still not in one. But I was placed in this one for the weekend. Funny thing is that of all the 15 or so people that didn't have a life group prior to Thursday, I was the only one singled out to join a particular group. All the others were placed together but I was told, "come with me, we have a different group for you." I was placed with the life group that I was hoping to be in anyway. I knew Chris and Brit were in it, but had never really paid attention to who else Chris talked about. It was a bunch of guys who I already kind of new and some I didn't at all but man it was perfect. They took me in like I had been there from day one. We had a great time together all weekend, playing volleyball and football and just all hanging out together. Listening to others stories and hurts and prayers and them fully listening to mine and accepting me. It was the best thing that could have happened. And then to have Brian Stakelin be my roommate. He wasn't in my life group and we were actually all supposed to be rooming with our life groups, but I was in a separate building all together some how. I was actually heading over to switch into the building with my group when Stakelin walked out the door to our building and said "hey roomie." So of course I didn't switch.

Okay back to Saturday morning. We are down at the campfire. People are sharing stories of their experience through the weekend. 4 men had already accepted Jesus into their hearts. I was thinking woo hoo, way to go. Pretty sarcastically. Still resigned to it wasn't going to happen for me. But still thinking through how I could never measure up.

Well Jim, the guy leading that morning, had had pieces of white paper handed out to all of us. He told us to write on it the things that had come up this weekend that we were fighting. The things that marked us. Either sin or whatever. The things that were seemingly keeping you separated from God. I wrote expectancy and insecurity. The plan was, that in our life groups, we would walk up to the fire, and throw them in there and they would burn away and be gone forever and then we would as a group go take communion. He also said that if we were still processing whatever don't take communion. So I wasn't going to take it. But I thought it would be easier to avoid that it was. But that is a little later.

My group stepped up to the fire. I through my piece of paper in only to have it bounce off of a piece of wood and fall almost 2 feet away from the actual flame. To a place where I was pretty sure it just wasn't going to burn. I started to reach to try again but then just said screw it. It doesn't matter anyway. This is a stupid useless exercise that doesn't mean anything. So I left it and looked away to sing with everyone. I looked back and minute later and my piece of paper was slowly but sure shifting color and going black and then it all of a sudden turned white with the rest of the ash around it and was gone. In a place where it shouldn't have burned it was gone.

Well I start bawling. I couldn't even control myself to sing anymore. Eyes closed I am standing in a circle around the fire just bawling. Well someone tapped me on the shoulder that it was our turn to do communion. I was thinking that it would be like all the other times I have taken or watched communion be taken. We would line up and walk up one by one. So that's easy for me to avoid. I could just stand on the side and wait for my guys and then join them. WRONG! Big circle and Craig (the one leading us in communion) proceeds to say he will come around the circle and give each of us the body and the blood and then we would all take it as a group.

He got to me and I told him to pass me. Nathan Musick standing on my right and Christopher Anderson on my left. Neither of which I really knew very well before that weekend. Well as soon as I said pass and Craig stepped to Nathan, I heard Nathan choke up a little. And passing it on broke me. I start completely weeping and shaking and cannot control myself at all. No matter how hard I was trying I couldn't make the tears stop. I couldn't settle myself. Nathan and Chris put their arms around me and then I kind of opened my eyes and the entire circle of guys is crying. Craig couldn't even get out the words to give communion. When he did, Dewayne started talking.

I have no idea what he said until he said, "Headley you seem to be dealing with some stuff." It took me a second to be able to speak. I said, "I love you guys. It is completely ridiculous that you all who some of you barely know me are standing here crying because I am. I have never truly felt God's love until this moment being expressed through you all and this weekend. I would love if you would pray over me." Well by this point Chris Pendleton is standing behind me with his arm around my shoulder. Dewayne starts saying something again to which I have zoned out again until he asked me what I specifically wanted to be prayed for. Pushing me to say what needed to be said.

I start rambling some nonsense and then it comes. "I cant do this anymore. I cant do this alone anymore. I need Jesus in my heart." And 20 guys look up in shock and tears. By this time Justin is there. He was having to lead worship but was allowed to go and join his life group. So after I said "I need Jesus" both Justin and Dewayne started just pouring love into me. But I had zoned out. The constant black screen in my head had come back. The screen that I always try to force good things through. It was back and the voices were back. "You're not worthy. This is a lie. This isn't real again. I thought you did this once before and it obviously wasn't real then. What makes this time any different." Then all of a sudden, click. The voices stopped and in my closed eyes, everything went bright white. My head actually turned off. My brain stopped. Everything was clear and all I could hear was Justin and Dewayne pouring out love into me. All I could hear were my guys standing around crying in affirmation of me. It was incredible.

Then Dewayne had Chris lead me through the prayer to accept Jesus. It was so hard. I couldn't think straight. I could barely talk and I was expected pray and confess my sin and Thank God as specifically as I could. It was so hard and gut wrenching to give up control. To release ownership of my life. And all the while knowing I was then required to come back and tell my family and friends for better or worse. It hurt so bad. And then freedom. And everything was right. I opened my eyes expecting to see the faces of the 20 guys that it had started with. I was wrong. All 171 guys were huddled around me. Crying with me. Celebrating with me. Screaming for me. Justin had gotten the communion tray and had Chris give me my first communion as a whole hearted follower of Christ.

With 171 guys who many of them barely knew me, I felt ridiculous and loved and owned before the Lord. As much as my body hurt from playing 8-9 hours of volleyball and 2-3 hours of football, I felt so light and at ease.

So I then had all these guys started coming up to hug me. Todd Barrett, Matt Garner, Jon Tsang, Brian Stakelin, Dave Griffith, Doug Pape and so many others who were all just in awe of God's grace just as I was. People who have been praying for me more than I know. Then other people who I may have met once who have told me how much I have been on their hearts for whatever reason.

We then sang the worst rendition of Grace Like Rain that I have ever heard. I mean bad. And I have relative pitch. Once I get a note in my head and a key, it doesn't leave. It physically pains me to hear bad singing and when my voice cracks and when keys are shifted. It physically pains me. But that day it didn't matter. We all laughed hysterically as all these dudes were trying to sing acapella and just butchering this song. And it was the greatest thing I have ever heard.

Well then Jim get up and start talking over us and says that we are going to pray and prepare to head home. He proceeds to then say, "Jon why don't you lead us out and I will close." "Uh okay." So I prayed. I don't remember what I said. I just remember feeling like it is the first words I have ever truly spoken to my heavenly father. I have prayed numerous times before. Nothing like this. I never thought my prayers were being heard. But this one was. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this one was. These words whatever they were, were everything that I had to say to God.

So the group starts to disappate and I am standing there talking to friends and hugging random guys and being told I need to call this person and that person and gotta tell Whitney. Gotta tell Nikki. (Who Steve Montgomery got on the phone and I was a little unprepared for. But I hope this helps explain Nikki. We will have dinner soon.)

The story isn't over. We did big group pictures and they got pictures of the 5 of us who had accepted Christ over the weekend. Wait for it.

Right when we got down to the camp fire before the session started. Everyone is standing around talking and this guy walks up to me. "Hey man, I've seen you around for a bit. My name is Smitty. I wanted to meet you." "Nice to meet you Smitty. I'm Headley." That was about the total of the exchange.

Well as everyone is spreading and heading home. There are maybe 30 of us still down by the fire. Talking, praying. Whatever was going on. About 25 minutes or so after all of my big break through. Steve walks over and says, "Smitty just accepted Jesus." I don't know Smitty's story. I barely know the guy. But I love that I got to give my new brother a giant bear hug and say congratulations. I love that God dumped out love onto him in the midst of it happening to me to the point that he all of 30 minutes later was accepting it as well. That's a good feeling. I had no hand in it. I have no idea why it happened for him then. But I love that it did.

So we leave to head home. Me, Chris, Colin Reed and Nate. Well one of the people that needed to be told was Britton. He had left really late Friday night cause he had to work at Panera at 6 am that Saturday. So as we are driving, he finally called Chris back as he is driving home from work. Chris hands the phone off to me and I got to tell Brit that I just accepted Jesus. ….Silence…. "Brit are you there." "Yeah, I'm here. Dude I gotta pull over. I am about to wreck my car. What happened?!?" "Can you wait a couple hours? I don't want to tell you the story over the phone."

Fast forward to getting back to Quest. Now I hadn't told anyone back home personally. I had been told I should call Whitney but didn't want to cause I wanted to tell her and others in person. But me and my devious self had also thought, "Maybe I will just act like everything is normal and I will let her stew a little bit." Plan didn't even have any feet. People had already called her 2 seconds after it happened. I get back to church and there are Whitney and Mel D.. They slowly and coyly start walking toward us when they see us get out of the car and then bum rush me.

Then walking inside and having numerous amounts of people coyly saying, "So how was the weekend? Anything happen?" Man people are bad at digging like they don't know already. J It was funny. Everyone wanted the story. No one wasn't allowed to hear it before Brit. It was like 8 hours before I finally saw him and told it all to those who were around.

So I have told this story around 6 million times now. Well in part. This is definitely the extended version. No punches pulled. There are so many more people that I get to tell in person. I haven't even told my parents or brothers yet. I didn't want to do that over the phone. I may have to cause I don't have enough gas to get to Wilmore to see my parents any time soon. I just kind of blurted it out to Sue and Garrett when they came over for a sec Saturday evening and I know Sue is flabbergasted and waiting for the story. I am glad she isn't at work today and cant read this till tomorrow. Her and G are deserving of face to face recounting.

I feel completely amazing. I feel relaxed. Yeah the voices have tried to fight their way back in and tell me this isn't real. Trying to tell me that I am just enjoying telling people what happened because I get pleasure out of it and it is out of selfishness. People hug me and tell me how happy they are for me and how loved I am. And that's all it is to me. A good feeling to feed my starving worthlessness.

That is not the case. This is real. This is home. I enjoy telling the story because it is real. Because God loves me so fully that why would I not want to tell. Why would I not want people to know what has happened in my life? Why would I not want to share this? Why would I not want to be so overjoyed and loved and surrendered that I don't act completely ridiculous and smile in the face of what I thought were unbeatable odds?

I am a redeemed clean loved version of a broken sinful man. I have never felt better. I know there are going to be friends who read this and wont want to talk to me. I am not going to shove this down your throat. I am still Jon. Just a better version. I am not going to push you. If you want to talk to me though, I am more than willing to talk.

It wasn't just the guys from this weekend that have led me here. It is all the people around me. It is all of my friends who are just like family. It is my ex in laws who still call me son and brother. It is my best friends who offer me money and food and an ear to talk to. It is my dad yelling at me to never say I cant take money from him. He is my father and he is going to take care of me. It is my brothers not knowing what to say about everything but constantly wanting to hang out. It is friends who I never really spent a whole lot of time with wanting to know constantly how I am doing. It is everyone who reads this jibberish that I write. It is people walking up to me and telling me I look brighter, even before this weekend.

Okay, I think I am done. I had a lot to get out. I started typing this around 9:15 or so and it is now almost noon. I think that may be all I have to say now. I needed to write this. For me to remember and look back on when hard times come as well as so everyone knows. By no means does this oust anyone or make anyone inelligible to hang out with me. I'm still me. I mean hell, Whitney bought me drinks at Marikka's to celebrate. I am an open book as I have been for the last several months. Feel free to ask me for clarification or if you want to scoff at me or whatever. Its all fine.

No I didn't surrender my life over to Quest. I have decided to get involved in a few things. I did sign up to join a life group even though I had spent so much time saying I wouldn't. I hope I get placed with the guys that I was with this weekend but if I don't that is okay too. I am thinking about trying out for the worship team and there has already been expressed interest in me helping out with the college ministry which I will pray about just like the other stuff but it sounds like a good time. I am not going to disappear into Quest never to be seen again. I am not going to badger or alienate my non Christian friends. That would kind of completely go against what has just happened to me now wouldn't it.

I love each and every one of you. I thank each and every one of you for how you have extended love to me over the last several months. And how you have supported a hurting broken screwed up guy to the point of tears.

Much love family.

8:59 AM - 10 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Look Out for Falling Trees
Current mood: embarrassed

So this week has been a bit rough for me. Self inflicted of course. I am my own worst enemy. But I think everything is fine.

so tonight some of us were playing poker as we do every Thursday. Lot's of the normal people were missing but it was good. I had a bit of a hot night. Ended up making about $7 above my $5 buy in. I was happy about that. I guess I needed to have a good night at some point this week.

So after poker, I was standing outside talking to Becky. First full on conversation we have had that didnt at all involve us yelling at each other about her love of the Washington Redskins and my love of the Dallas Cowboys. (We are so going to own you when we meet.) So we had a really good conversation about a lot of different things. It was good. We talked for an hour and a half or so.

But as we were talking I hear this loud crash. Something said to me "That's your house. The tree just fell."

So at this point, Becky and I are just kind of looking at each other and I tell her that I am pretty sure that was my house. So we walk back there to check it. Sure enough, a giant giant branch from my the ominous tree in my back yard broke off and came crashing to the ground. It sounded like it hit the back of the house but I didn't see any damage to the house. The giant limb is just laying between the tree and the house.

Its a miracle that it did not go through my back bedroom window. How badly would that have sucked to be trying to sell the house and have a giant hole in the back of it.

Anyway, that's all. Tomorrow night, what are we getting into. Got band practice and then I think it's time we go out and do something. Lucero is at the Dame so that will be packed out. But anything else would be pretty awesome.

10:59 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment