Broken Muse
Current mood: annoyed

Its fucken pisses me off...Its upsets me a lot....The past...school while it had lots of fond memories there is also a lot of painful memories and to be told by you Mum "I'm sick of this you bring it up all the time"...When

a) You don't bring it up ALL the time not even when the subject of bulling comes up.
b) Just because I didn't tell you doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Its fucken hurts, I think you have forgotten what its like to be a child/teen/young adult...Going through high school like I said while it had many good memories it had some really shit ones...painful ones, not all of them the same but painful neither the less....That 45 minute walk home, you know that's pretty long and you got a shit load of time to think. The amount of times I walked home by myself just hoping that one day you'd fucken just get taken out by a car or truck...One year was really dark....But no...lets not stop there. I'm shit at actually talking about this, to the point where I can and I would just cry...Primary school while I looked different I didn't get that...I suppose you could say I was very naive, which I was, I was very naive to everything...I loved to learn and strived to be top of the class and all that crap. At the end of the day it didn't really matter that I had been called all manner of Asian slur, I didn't understand, I was just, well to me just another one of you. I knew I was different in a way but in another way I didn't know.

High School rocks around grade 8 cool, just a recap of grade 7...almost all A's...But also from then on I didn't want to be the smart kid, I didn't want to be the gifted kid. I just wanted to be normal, just one of the drones, treated like a person with feelings. I should had just stuck to be smart and kept my grades good, but try and try again to be 'normal'...I don't think I would have coped in school if it weren't for my cousin, truthfully. It was the most fun I had playing sports not having to listen to mindless bitching about useless things. While I did mind what people said I didn't to a certain degree. Now I worry about how people think of me, again in a certain way but now am more conscious of it, I don't really want people to see me angry or super depressed. For me that is weakness and complete vaunrability and thats not comfortable for me. I also worry now about how many people are around me, get anxiety attacks if I become to conscious about my surroundings. Its fine when I'm with someone I feel safe with, theres pretty much no chance of anxiety or panic...Otherwise its free game. Also around some people...well you can talk my ear off because I don't talk.

Trying to talk about it is hard because every time I've tried to talk about it with the people that I feel really matter just shot it the fuck down. So I don't talk about it, that's why a lot of times I blog it, whether its on my myspace, livejournal, deviantart, where ever....Even then there are things that I will not talk or blog about.

...Now I feel a lot calmer I've lost my train of thought...no real lose I guess. A lot of these things connect with other problems in life too, like a lack of being able to communicate in a certain way. Take for instance relationships, it doesn't exactly work for me.

a) My attention span
b) I like shiney things (linked to attention span)
c) Once someone gets close I tend to push them away and reseed back into my little black hole.

I've done that a few times with people. One person I'm glad that has stuck around though, my friend Jesse over in NYC, he's dealt with all the shit I could throw at him and he still talks to me and we have a small project running to. I do push people away very often though, its almost like I don't want people to know me, but desperately I do want people to know me. Its the major fault in my personality...Guess that's what makes me, me...and a big pain in the ass to deal with. Oh yeah forgot I'm totally cynical...when I'm moody my sense of humor escapes me and unless it appeals to that mood you generally will be greeted with a not very happy remark or look, when that happens with my Mum she just says "oh you in a poopy~" or "you are cranky"...when I could have only just been tittering at the edge, that gives me a big ol' shove over...Because heaven forbid that you know how I'm feeling more than I do!...I'm very familiar with my angry feeling, my depressed feeling...all the negative shit and almost estranged to happy...Happy in moments but not in life. I think for a good solid 4-5 years of my life 5 out of 7 days I would think about killing myself. I never got anywhere near it because I have seen what it does to my family and I do not want to do that in the slightest.

Until something or someone can come around and keep my mind at ease or away from such things I will continue to loose myself in movies, in my fantasy land...Where I will stay.

P.S.
I wish they would just leave me alone...today I was trying to draw something because I actually felt like drawing and I kept on being interupted...Its bad enough I don't feel like drawing now-a-days or feel that everything I draw is shit...But to actually feel like drawing...being disturbed and then told that I'm not doing anything just fucken pisses me off something cruel.

P.P.S.
Thank you everyone for you support and kind words, it does mean a lot to me even if it is just a "hang in there"....

Extra PS:
...So you change you ISP...so you cancel your account...how the smeg am I sposed to change my damn sign in email then hmm?!...Can't get access to the stupid confirmation code that I need to change it *pissed*

8:10 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Seme Uke
Current mood: blank

Discover if You are Seme or Uke!
Created by ChiisaiYume on Memegen.net

This is the result if Seme! has the highest score.

Take this quiz now - it's easy!

..> ..>

How tall are you?

Taller than 6'5'' Between 6' and 6'5'' Between 5'5'' and 6' Between 5' and 5'5'' Shorter than 5'

Pulled and reposted. (Pulled from my Livejournal and reposted here)

Seriously though it all depends on my mood...or the will or won't type of thing. Sometimes I seriously feel like I'm all uke and...yeah *sighs* (btw for all you unknowing people uke is opposite to seme...totally submissive.)

11:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Just when you...

Think things are getting better life kicks you down. I know that shit happens and thats just life. Life is hard yada yada yada....but once you have one down and pretty much everything after that is a down witha  few ups between...its not very encouraging y'know? I mean there probably wre just as many ups as there were downs...I just don't remember many of the ups compared to what holds me back.

I know my temper is something left to be desired...I mean sure if you are yourself a strong person and can deal with some freaken vicious mood swings. I am sure how ever that majority of my mood swings are when I chat to people online...I generally am VERY good when it comes to talking to people face to face....The other side of my persona comes out online...its dark and quick to jump

*head desks* Fuck...can't you drivers get anything frelling right?!...*twitches*....MEH!

1:11 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

GAH! I wanna go!
Current mood: amused

Ok I mean other then wanting to see Gackt or HYDE in concert...or Dir en Grey...or *flails*

But but T___T LOOK!!!! I wanna go and fangirl damnit!...>_>...<_<...>_> Its not ALL about his body really.........Ok I have one CD of his...and I liked it...given I haven't listened to it in a while (seriously if you have 50+ CD's could you listen to them all?)...T__T Why can't he come to Perth?...Oh thats right cos we don't have a good venue for concerts like that here....smeg *sighs*

Other news...er not doing much...Watching movies...Got bored enough to take a photo of myself (beware the cold sore...evil thing)....Went through and reorganised my DVD's...I dont have to search through all my DVD's now to find movies ok for kids when they come around....Moved my older Star Gate DVD's off the shelf...Gonna put them back into their boxes.

Anyone interested in Star Gate season 1-8 all DVD's in almost new condition...They've been watched once and sat on my shelf taking up space...Been slowly rebuying the smaller boxsets...So anyone interested in buying it all?...The boxes are a lil smooshed cos they've been folded up and put away thats it...Sorry they'll still be around $65 each...If you live in any of the places that Stirling Freight delivers to shipping is free =D...ehehe.....

She's the Man *dies laughing* I love this movie man...soooooooooo funny XD Amanda Baynes does an AWESOME job...and Channing @___@ so sexy man. *snort*...Ok keep mind off Rain coming to Syd...T___T....Aunty Dot!!!!!! ;3;

5:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fiancee (i spam you deal with it)
Category: Life

OMG XDDDDD This amused me so much...

Apparently my Aunty and Uncle over in Sydney are trying to hook me up with one of the Korean blokes over there XD;...HAHAHAHAHA *dies*...

o_O I guess it probably wouldn't be too...bad....*panic attack* fuck fuck humans!...keep away!...*cough*...ok this isn't good if I start feeling like this around Asians all is lost...o_O I feel comfortable around Asians...

Er so yeah...my family bleh to them (ok bleh to my fingers which find themselves stupid and narly for not hitting the right keys.)

un getting back to the whole fiancee this XD;...Nice Korean bloke...in the church...ok i can deal with the whole church thing as long as I don't have to go to mass...I like churches...I just like the feeling of them...but sitting through mass is the most damn boringest thing out!

Um so yeah a Korean bloke...o_O;...This is starting to weird me out...

Relationships + Me = no work o_O;...been a loner for too long...

2:11 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Joys of Life
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

...Yes the joys...I hope you can hear my sarcasm from over there.

Recently its come up again whilst talking to one of my oline buddies Bix. She had talked about her panic attacks, I had already talked to Cathy about it a while back...And we did determine that I did get them. I forgot ^^;...How good am I...Its kinda a normal thing...So i could be having a panic attack and not even realise it.

While its only a minor thing?...maybe...its still something that effects me, like I VERY seldomly step foot in a bank...even in places like HBF and Medicare...Because its usually FULL of people. I mean sure I don't mind people up to a certain point, I've met lots of differe personalities...Some I work well with others I just bounce from and there is no compatibility.

Since I moved to Perth I pretty much lost contact with EVERYONE...I mean there were a few people that I kept in contact with, some that I have rediscovered. Sorry for not keeping in contact everyone...I kinda just switched off, not that that has really changed...I have a lot of issues to work through before I can really go out again and appreciate things...o_O;...Gods i sound like a tool. Good for me!

Since I've been pretty much alone I have developed my panic attacks more...also developed a GREAT dislike for people being really close to me, touch = bad....hug isn't too bad provided I KNOW you....Kiss is just out of the question. I have a HUGE dislike for being breathed on T__T;...I'm gonna repeat myself here...I feel like I'm gonna catch some horrid diesease from being breathed on...No joke...its freaks me out...and makes my skin crawl...it makes me feel sick...

Uh yes and I swear I am turning into a hypercondreact or something...Or at least thats what I keep on getting told ~___~;...I get aches and pains so often its kinda normal...I've only just really started to notice them again....I had this funky pain in my toes...almost like they wre numb and dislocated...they were fine in 3-4 days.

I in a general feel tired all the time...I think I've only just rediscovered my appertite...I lost it for a long time...I just didn't eat a lot of food...dinner probably was and is the only real decent meal I have. I very rarely have breakfast...I can't really stomach anything in the morning.

Its funny though...meeting people again...I don't really know...I talked to Bonnie a bit when I was in Albany last...I really miss that place...it was quiet...and it was nice where I lived too...could have my music up as loud as i wanted and not really have to worry about neighbours. I think I would be a nervous wreck meet some people again o_O;...I don't know.

Anyhows work work..must work...today i took my time...I really needed to take my time...Yesterday people just kept on pushing and pushing...I was ready to walk out and not come back. I was sick to my stomach with anger.

1:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tiredness
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

Seriously guys it sucks feeling tired all the freaking time. Can't say that to Mum cos she'll just tell me to get more sleep and go to bed earlier...and shit like that which doesn't help cos I have done that and I just feel MORE tired u_U...

Don't know if it was the 2-5am bedtimes wake up at 7am during HS from about grade 9 thing...Seriously I was like a damned machine back then...could live from like 30 minutes sleep and be right as rain...HEH...Now I'm falling to pieces...and I feel slightly like a hypercondriac...cos i get a pain...I tell someone and then it damn goes away ~_~;...

And maybe I confuse being hungry with being full?...*scratches head*...I seem to have lost touch with my bodies needs...Been so...long since I've worried about the way I look...I mean occasionally I will look in teh mirror and go..."bleh I need to loose the flab"...then modivation comes and goes very quickly.

Lonely?...for a brief moment but got over that VERY quickly when I start thinking about how much people tend to irritate me unless I grew up with you o_O...or at least "know" you...

Uh yes and I'm still shy *_* and flail helplessly when certain things are mentioned...and gods my brain is immature like some 12 year old boy...someone says dick, penis, doodle, boobies...my brain giggles manically. ARG brain get over it already! And well as you can see tHe other half of my brain thinks very clearly and well is a total kill joy.

Someone needs to save my brain before it looses all sanity. Also...SOMEONE BLOODY MAKE A SCAREY MOVIE OR SOMETHING GOREY THAT'LL SATISFY MY BRAIN!!! TARENTINO YOU GOT A LONG WAY TO GO MY BOY...T_T sucks watching a horror and not being scared...*sighs* I just mouth off at how stupid the people are in the film...and go "yeah probably would be scared if that was me"...But seriously...HOSTEL...HA!...what a laugh...One should not laugh at this movie...but i seemed to manage a giggle in it *rolls eyes*...gods i feel desensitived....Then I get some damn emotional ball your eyes out movie and I most likely will...well unless someone is there =.....Wu-chan doesn't like me crying in front of people...makes me weak *shrugs*...I hate crying...I hate being angry...I hate being depressed...but am always in one of those at some stage in the day.

._. Maybe I need girlifing...*horror; fear* gods no pink...no more bright colors...yellow is enough to keep me happy...in guys clothes...fem clothes...are all tight and T_T *fixes shirt*...>_<#...*___*

*wants more Sex Pot ReVeNGe clothing*

#___________# man needa pay off my credit card...and *flails* so much to organise...fuck!...I can organise people and work....just for shit i can NOT organise myself *headdesks* fuck fuck fuck...

Uninspired, unmodivated, unhappy, un freaken bloody fuck bleh...*stupid*...I feel since like 1999 i've repressed my smart...and now its lost =(

Anyhows enough ranting...I gotta try and consintrate on work...;3; I wanna catch up with Jesse-chan!...Jesse-chan doko?....*sniffles*

9:33 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fire Fire!
Current mood: hungry
Category: give me food! News and Politics

Dude right now there is a fire behind where I work at the Bunnings DC @__@ wicked black smoke...Only because of all the plastic tubs and outdoor settings out there...@_@ but DAMN! its the second fire in like 3 months or something.

There was one on the other side of Temperley Close about 3 months ago...There is a photo in my DevART...but thats more of an after shot...then a during.....#___# Talk about unlucky for Bunnings...

12:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Its my Birthday!
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Its my birthday and i'll cry if i want to...cry if i WANT tooo~....

o_O; um yeah don't mind me...anyhows my brithday...

What I have so far:
Monkey plush that makes noise
Labrodor Mug
Tickets to see Walking With Dinosaurs (SQQUEEEEEEEEE!)
Nail stuff o_O; and some nice smelling rose lotion stuff =3
Some reall groovey cards <3

Other news...got my TV and set top box hooked up....ok...lifting a 26kg or there abouts TV onto a shelf that is about 1.6m high...isn't the BEST thing to try and do by ones self...But i got it up there >3...Need to tinker with it some more to get the picture super crisp...cos at the moments its pretty average. Just need to get a lower cabinet and it should go nicely.

FINALLY tracked down a copy of Okami! <3 much love...Still playing Shinobido XD;;....Trying to finish it with having all the federal lords alive....But this time on HARD >]

Oh yes and just so I know...my bois Jai and Jun at 12:30 last night decided to bug me so i would draw something for my birthday. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/49068362/ <--- Thats what came out...Just so that I know they "love" me ~_~;...Thanks...They kept me up until 1:45am...drawing...and went to bed at like 2:30am or whatever to upload the blasted thing...=..

Got discs from Zell (Aquarian Age, Black Blood Brothers (subbed, had RAW's already), Card Captor Sakura, Bleach subbed, Avatar season 1-2...and some other bits and pieces.

Downloading:
Gintama RAW
KIBA RAW
BLEACH RAW
(New) Naruto RAW
Tokyo Majin Gakuen Kenpouchu RAW (and subbed)
Young GTO RAW

Watching:
BLEACH
Tokyo Majin Gakuen Kenpouchu
Black Blood Brothers subbed (watched in RAW already)
Avatar season 1

Anyhows bobbling off now ja!

2:41 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Victory!
Current mood: cranky
Category: MySpace

We have a win people!

Kedralynn (Amber W.) from dA has never and probably NEVER will have a myspace account...So if you see anyone claiming to be her here it isn't her...Please report them.

Anyhows there was one person who was bought to the attention of Amber a little while ago, there probably were a few people who wrote in including myself and explained to myspace that this person here on MS was a big fat FAKE....

Anyhows the person is now removed which is a victory!

...

Other news...gods i feel so tense and stressed its not funny...At work i'm training someone and doing all of my work and some of what Deb does (Deb is on holidays)....And some of a few other peoples jobs =.....

So yeah its been very bleh....

9:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment