California people...

So, I get the hint.  People here don't care for me.  Got it.

I mean, it completely sucks, I'll admit, but I suppose that I'm not going to get all pissy over a bunch of snobs that think their too good for me anyhow.

But still...

...Fuck.

9:58 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Zombies.

http://monsters.joyeurs.com/google_apps/zombies/bitten.php?i=14536992

4:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

If God Had A Myspace....

I would be sending a lot of WTF messages right about now......
I need help so badly..... I really just want to give up and go live in a homeless shelter or in the street......

I just want to not care right now, but I do... I am so fucking worried....

Please let this work....

9:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m so fucked...

Nypro Better fucking do their jobs so that I get payed right, god dammit... I'm in a really bad way right  now.....

Please let this work...

8:23 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Lack of interest...

Tonight was officially the worst fucking night i've ever spent behind the doorsm of Nypro.

I'm sick to death of bending over backwards and working my ass off, to be treated like shit.

I am sick to fucking DEATH of some random, crazy shit falling into my lap and making me look like a moron. 

It never fails. 


I work too fucking hard to be judged by someone's opinion, and by what they see, when there is so much that they don't see.

I am SICK of working for that ignorant man.

4:42 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

We are pilots.

Holding close my secrets
Naked broken pieces
-from the madness in what you do
The fingers point right back at you
What about my problems?
The people try to solve them
I guess I'm under the weather...
Since no one else belongs here, with me

Chorus
Hello mother,
Some news for you:)
I'm really not that crazy.
Hello father,
I'm curious?
Why you think there's something wrong with me.

Sunday I cried all night...
And it hurt so bad
But if you try to understand--

This is who I am.


V2
Color coated sweetness
Swords beneath my clean dress
I'm making sense of shattered dreams
Because I want you to be proud of me
What about my problems?
The people try to solve them?
I guess i'm under the weather
Since no one else belongs here with me....

12:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Heart, world: UNITE

I am So in love with life right now. I feel so positive about my future.

And even in the case of an unreturned emotional investment, my heart still sings.

So many things appear to be going right for once.

All of the trials seem to be fading, and plans coming to fruition.


Celebration is in order.

4:57 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Life In General.

We, as humans, think so little of the value of our existance here on this planet.
It's meaning.
Even when the night seems to live on for months and years at a time, do we ever really just take a moment to be happy? Just to exist?

I can only hope that it is truely darkest just before dawn.

I beleive my life is a gift.

I only wish to no end that I didn't have to experience a soul-shattering event... just to realize that.

I plan to make the last of my role in this tangled drama of life, the best ever.  I want to be remembered for the good things.  And not the suffering, and pain.

So, be happy.  that's what I aim to do.

12:50 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

So...

So, I haven't really typed a decent blog that just talks about my everyday life in ...I dunno 6 or 7 months?

So, this is the lowdown, here.

In the last few months my life has become so much better.

I think that this is the change I've been hoping for since things were so bad for me that I was really going to off myself....Because all of my drug issues, my lack of employment, starvation (near [obviously] ), The loss of loved ones, near death, and e-vict-tion!  *deeeep breath*

So... all that aside.... I'm sayin' is that for all that shit that went down before... My life has been that much better.  Seriously.  I'm seeing someone that I think I may just be off the fucking wall in love with.  Like, damn...His name is Alan, and he is sooo fine, and has such a compatible, great personallity.   But things may be bumpy for him internally, with him just getting out of a 5 year relationship.
But, I think I understand what he's going through.

Moving on...
I'm no longer in that nasty, desolate apartment of no electricity-ness, and starvation.  And I live in a nice house, with my dad, where I always have the option to have clean clothes, and I am given the option to not starve.  My dad really helped me out by letting me stay here, and I really appreciate him being so generous to me in a desperate time of need.  But omfg........Omfg.........OMFG.....It makes me like....really sad that he makes me pay 400 a month.  To live with my parents!  OMG.... But, I think it is a very republican trait of him to treat my tenancy here more like a business relationship, and not a familial issue.  I just don't think I could ask my offspring to pay rent when they are so young and could REALLY use that money to help get their lives started as independant well-rounded citizens.  And I definately know that that is a very democration opinion of mine.

Gah....  I wouldn't even think of complaining if it was something that was a little more reasonable.....

gah... I don't even have a car, grod..... I've considered many reasons of why he would charge me what is on average a high rate of rent for people renting a room with parent.


. He is afraid that if I have a lot of money in my hand that I'll spend it on dumb shit, I dunno, drugs?  *sigh*

.he isjust using it to cover the cost of my living (utilies usage, groceries)

.OR he is so uncomfortable with my choice to continue my life as I please and treats it like a business relationship because of that..... ?   I dunnoo.....


so, I'm done typing now and don't have anything else that I want to say.

Peace.

4:42 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

....

I feel so fucking low right now...


I hate myself so much that i can't even cry.....

I really deserve to fucking hurt.


No, I'm not being Emo.....


....It's really true....



Why do I always hurt the people that I love the most?!


FUCK!

6:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

No one’s whore... You know who you are.
Current mood: confused

I am not a sex toy.  I am not a suckpuppy.  I am not changing.  I am not a hole.

I won't be played. No, you can't stick a finger in me to "taste how warm I am".

You can't stand in front of the door when I want to leave, either.  I am Mine, only.

You can't run your fingers up my shirt, then down my pants, it's not your privelege.

Your future advances are unwelcome.... uninvited.

This is mine, and you can't have it, you've got plenty already....

Keep your perfect lips off of my face...they drain my dignity.

Keep your perfect body off of me, I am not a casual fuck.

You've got so much to choose from...I don't think you'll miss it.

don't sweet talk me so that you can save your quick, rainy fuck.

I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at me for not listening to everyone else.

You're just a silly, dumb boy anyways.

1:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Myspace name

Please don't ask why i changed my name to "vagina mcbitch'

I imagined some pissed off kid calling a teacher that and it kinda stuck.


I really laughed my ass off.

5:33 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

COOTERMAMAPISSCAKENAILFACESMACKTITS

THAT was the first thing to come out of my mouth this morning.

2:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Troubled Night, A Troubled Day, A Troubled Dream.

I can't exactly explain what was wrong with me last night.  I think I was just thinking to much about my problems, and they really got to me.    I avoided everyone at work for the last half of the night.  And by the way, when I'm down, I'm down.  Leave it alone... Trying to cheer me up only makes it worse, because then I feel guilty for still feeling like shit when you put your efforts into gaining a smile.

Nothing personal, just leave me be, until it runs it's course.  That is the only way for me to feel better.

When I got home, I was finally able to let loose.  But it was really upsetting.
I wasn't even 100% sure why I was laying on the basement floor crying like a hungry two-year old.

And after that.... The dreams...
So troubling.

The torture scene was truely harrowing.  watching that poor woman scream as her face was slowly ripped off...along with small pieces of her brain...
The mechanical arm tore them slowly... one small piece at a time.....
After she got about ...down to half a brain, her screams for help, faded into unintelligable mutters, and moans between spurts of vomit and saliva.......

Very graphic, I know.

I was there.

2:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hurt
Current mood: melancholy

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

1:33 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment