In the name of Art Vandelay, throw down for the Enigma.
Current mood: chipper

It's been a little more than two months since the world got a little darker, a massive upper cut to the soul was leveled on hundreds and a legend was taken from the people that needed him. Like all the greats, he was taken from us much too early, reiterating the common belief that life is far from fair and making us yet again question the reality of Karma (I'm having serious doubts myself). Like many, Chaunce Bordeaux enters my thoughts multiple times a day, the last couple weeks filled more with wonder at what he could be up to and hopes of some kind of meeting rather than sadness and depression. It's amazing that a person could have that kind of effect on so many people by just being themselves. Previously I had believed that you'd have to be a celebrity of some sort to have that kind of effect on so many people, but I have been obviously proven wrong. So to celebrate the legend of the Enigma, I have decided to practice the ways of Moral Oddpockets and try to relive some of the glorious accomplishments that Scuba Steve achieved just by being himself. For example I'm learning to break-dance while drinking champagne out of the bottle, the arms out high knee dance is still being perfected (It's way more complex than you probably give it credit for), my couch napping skills are improving but not quite up to par, drumming is still a long way off, I'm getting married so someone else needs to take up the Casanova mantle, I think my Condor dissing ability is improving, but I need to try it out a little more, I'm never gonna be able to pull a tube like that so I won't even try, as far as the whole cooking and managing thing goes I suck at that stuff so it ain't gonna happen, I've been attempting to break stuff around the house and trip on my own feet more but I definitely lack the grace and beauty in doing it that came so naturally to Dunglevat. With practice I'm hoping to master the ways. If anyone has any suggestions for me they would be appreciated. I'm just going to be chilling here waiting for a visit from the Enigma.

3:40 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Tales of daring, suspense and $1 dollar shoes
Current mood: breezy

Hey to everyone from crazy, dirty and entertaining Central America. Things down here have actually been rather tame lately. No street fights, no drunken bums singing ’til 3 in the morning, no riots, not even a crazy Catholic holiday that I’ve never heard of. All in all it has been mighty tame, kind of eerily mellow. I’m talking our spicy ass neighbors that like to consistentley blast the same three songs over and over being quiet for a whole day, the weekly motorcylcle parade that thinks they’re Hell’s Angels but allows scooters hasn’t been by for like a month. Only the clock work holler of the man selling the suspect tamales is keeping with the status quo. I have to admit I’m getting kinda worried, it’s like the calm before the storm. I know one of these days soon I’m gonna wake up and out side there is gonna be reggaeton blasting with a bunch fat boys and rakata girls dancing in the streets intermingling with people dressed up in absurd costumes representing various Latin corporate sponsors and probably that guy that yell gOOOOOOOOaaaaaaaaaLLLLL!!!! on every televised latin soccer match ( no way i’ll ever call it football) getting his signature yell in every couple minutes. Yes sir, this is my prediction of the coming latinocalypse ’cause from what I’ve seen since I got here it’s just way too fucking calm lately and I’m sensing a down pour. Luckily enough though I have a rowdy bunch of Aussies ( is there any other kind) planning to throw a party tonight. This will definitely take the edge off of the eerie silence because these kids know how to fsu lamf. This is the group that spawned the croc hunter, crocodile dundee, captain Kangaroo, and the legendary kid from Mondo Taitu that set off a fire extinguisher in his mouth and had to be taken to the hospital ( I ain’t shittin you on this last one either). Yes the people from a land down under pretty much defined the frase ’Lets get retarded in here’ so I am looking forward to a damn entertaining time. On a newsworthy note the hostel is chugging along swell, getting a little bit better every day, and the tally of people from different countries is still growing. Currently I’ve decided the number one douche bag country is Greece. My opinion might be a little skewed since I have only met one Greek person but fuck em’ they need to work on their image, I mean the mofo was sportin a fanny pack every where. Two thumbs way down. As far as $1 dollar shoes go they got the sweetest collection in all Central America thanks to the Chinese, in fact I’ll probably bring some back as gifts for all my people in the states. And please try and get this boycott of China thing going stronger because Panama would never boycott them and it might push the price of shoes down from a dollar to fifty cents and that means twice the amount of gifts for all! Talk to you all later.

3:09 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Observations from the castle
Current mood: chipper

Holy shit, I must say that living in a hostel has turned into quite the interesting experience. We have been booked solid for three fucking days so I've been living with 37 of my favorite strangers for a while now. I can't hate on this, although it has been a somewhat hectic lifestyle, lines for the kitchen, lines for the ping pong table, fucking lines for everything thank jebus I got a private bathroom. The experience has also had more than it's fair share of positives. For instance I've learned of the rivalry between the nordic peoples specifically the Dane's and the Swede's, it's actually quite entertaining. And another eye opener is that the Swede's can drink like fish and like to beat on each other when sauced. The whole experience has been a crash course in international relations with the greatest lesson I've seen so far being one I've already known, alcohol makes an amazing social lubricant and leads to a whole lot of entertainment.
The city has been the same old same, it's a bunch of fun and can really piss you off all in the same day. A couple days ago Wakan and I went shopping for some bullshit for the hostel and got caught in a wicked fucking rainstorm. We ended up standing outside tis market trying to catch a cab for like 45 minutes unsuccessfully because no one wanted to pick up a wet gringo instead they'd rather drive around with no fare when gas is $3.50/gal. That, to me, is some fucked up logic, those assholes really need to wise up and go buy a towel or two. I guess it's hard to afford towels when your saving all your money for blacklights and looney tune decals for your '94 hyundai excel. On the bright side that same day we ended up going out to a cool bar later and had a real good time chilling with some Euro's and eating delicious street tacos.
One more thing, since I have access to such a diverse group of people, I am able to learn many things that I've never had access to learning before so if anyone has any ideas or questions they want answered about people outside the wonderful USA, or possibly for me to just pass on a dead leg to some unfortunate Frenchman just tell me and I will do my best to achieve your request.

8:35 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A dingo in a strange land
Current mood: crunk

What up people, life here in the Old bottle (Casco Viejo) is as interesting as ever. Why just the other night we had a pleasant little public display of family disfuncionality right on the corner, this shit is better than t.v. I'm not exactly sure of the specifics but from what I saw a surley gent with a belt of the latest fashion tied around his arm was having a lively debate with a lady that must have been his significant other. Well I had taken it for a spirited debate probably on the topic of politics or maybe about the current fashion statement that the gent was attempting. Anywho the local police, who resemble a jacked up latin version of the A-team, didn't quite have the same idea as to the nature of the debate. So when the fellow and his lady chose to take the debate outside the police chose to intervene. The man didn't seem to appreciate the help of el hanibal and Senior Barakas so he came at them. Being officers of the law they chose to go with the standard civil response of whacking the upstanding gentleman with their beat sticks to the disapproval of the neighbors above. The neighbors decided the best way to show the cops that what they were doing was uncouth, was to rain bottles down on the officers. The first wave of bottles got the cops to run behind a wall and consider how to deal these rowdy rascals with their unparralleled bottle chucking skills. After a rousing discussion the police decided the best way to deal with these displeased people was to call them down for a little chat about their differences over a hot cup of chai tea. Just kidding! Actually they pulled out the guns and fired a warning shot over the house, one police fellow holding a machine gun of some cheap variety attempted to shoot at the house only to have his gun jam on him, probably for the best. After the warning shot the police stormed the house and brought out a brutish looking woman and a young fellow that seemed to be in a tad bit of pain from what I percieved to be a couple good shots to the ribs from a beat stick. The rest was fairly standard, people put in cop vehicles and taken away. All in all a very dramatic and exciting night that was interesting enough for us to pause Blade Runner and take a gander. This place is a fuckin trip I tell ya, but a very fun one so far.

2:28 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

An ode to Todd’s mom
Current mood: breezy

Well this ain't really an Ode to her but she definetely has earned one. This is just a little ramble for the sake of rambling. It's fucking crazy when I go through the friends shit on my page to just kind of think about how all those people have fit into my life. Many I still consider friends, others are good people that I haven't talked to in forever and don' t really know what to think- is that an aquaintence or what? I guess mostly it's just interesting to get a glimpse of the life of people whose path you've crossed in the past but now don't know fuck about. It's kind of interesting how Myspace helped create this dynamic (for me at least) because before that you just randomly wonder what crazy drunkard X or random girl Y are doing with their life but now since many of the people who made Myspace pages tried to look up most of the people they've befriended through out our lives we have an up to date account on the lives of people that we haven't talked to in forever and probably don't ever give a single thought to until we see that little pic in the lower left or wherever. I guess I kind of appreciate the amount of info that's and being able to say 'so that's what that chucklehead been up to, I had them pegged for the poky long before'. It's also kinda sad because some people are damn cool and you'd like to still chill with them but you know they're pretty much out of your life now. Oh well I guess, that's life. Any way down here in Panama life is crazy as ever, carnival is starting and the Pana's are making sure to get their motherfucking swerve on asap. This whole city is starting to go bonkers and I'm very interested in getting my gringo ass down town in a day or two to see the madness first hand. There's a reggaeton guy playing called el roockie who is pretty good as far as reggaetone goes, plus the sight of this many drunk people might just rival the mighty Santacon. So far so good down here, although the fuckin' accordian music is pushing me closer to insanity everyday.

2:08 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

He-Man lives in my barrio, and he let me take battle cat out for a spin
Current mood: blustery

Now that I´m back in Panama I think producing a blog or two shouldn´t be too much of  a problem. Shit down here is crazy as ever, but very good. The majority of the people have been very nice and eager to talk my ear off even if I don´t quite understand what they are saying. The weather is amazing, it´s quite the change going from cold, rainy and dark to hot all the time and gloriously sunny, so eat that you unlucky Oregon sons-a-bitches. One thing thats a little bit annoying is that the neighbors like too bump reggaetone all day every day with a little bit of tipico mixed in, for those that don´t know tipico is a music that contains a lot of accordian so you should be able to form an opinion on the music from that. The neighborhood were living in is kind of ghetto and a maybe a little dangerous after dark but I have been in multiple places in the U.S. that I would say are worse. As I mentioned in the headline He-Man is my neighbor or at least I honestly live down the street from a place called castle greyskull. In actuallity it´s a rundown 5 or 6 story building that a major gang called the grey skulls took over as their home base in the 80´s, therefore becoming castle grey skull. The cops took down the castle some time ago but the gang still lives on. When I learned about this shit, I was filled with a nostalgic pride I mean being a major he-man fan as a kid if I would have known that I was going to live near castle grey skull someday, I would have felt like life couldn´t get any better. So far so good in Panama just working everyday, living down the street from el presidente and He-Man, drinking cheap beer, and trying to figure out if anyone plays basketball already. And if you read this and don´t send me a line then you are a lazy fuck and I piss in your general direction

3:03 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

The legend of Condor and Enigma "Life’s a playground" as seen through the eyes of the King Pin
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

           I haven't seen too many things in this life that I would consider legendary. I mean there's the obvious like a monkey riding on a dog but achieving the status of legend is pretty fucking rare. With this being stated I have come to the opinion that the game of the Enigma and the Condor is approaching the ranks of legendary. Now I know this is an incredibly bold statement that probably shook most readers to their core but bare with me the things I have seen from the beginning of the Condor and Enigma to now has left me with a fuck load of evidence in their favor. The game that these two have the potential for displaying makes the pick up artist look like a 13th level dungeon master at a star trek convention. I guess the only way to give credibility to this arguement is to lay down the evidence.

                 The Condor is the local legend, everybody and their bangin cousin knows of the Condor. He wasn't your average Joe Quarterback, class president stereo type local legend. The man has some type of mystical aura, some straight witch craft shit. The man could be dressed up in a clown suit and swoop your girl off your arm. So it's too bad that the kid has almost mastered his avatar, with weekly improvements in his peacocking, a plethora of negs that could make the most confident of women consider their worth and an eye for sets that is unmatched nationally. The game I've seen him pull has left me speechless not even able to comprehend what I'm seeing, wondering if someone dosed my drink.

             Nobody knows where the Enigma came from, one day he just appeared at the bar. Me, Condor, and a crew were down at Jameson's kickin back taking it easy and all of a sudden this figure just appears at the door. The guy looks like he just got out of bed, hair all fucked up, quite dishevelled. Kid walks straight up to the prissiest sorority girl in the place says one thing into her ear and the next second she's all over him buying him drinks while he barely pays attention to her, about a half hour later, our group received a whole round of drinks courtesey of the girl. After this extreme act of kindness we introduced ourselves to the Enigma, and soon let him join our inner circle. I don't know much about the Enigma only that his game is only rivaled by Condor's. Well tonight were going out so soon I'll have a whole lot more evidence to add to future legends resume. 

1:02 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

An update on the state of the modern life.
Current mood: rejected

No time to dilly dally today, what the fuck happened to cartoons in the morning. When I was a wee lad cartoons were the shit, period. Oh yeah they made money off of toys and crap like that but they had a substance that todays cartoons couldn't poke with a finglonger. Obviously shit is getting crazier and more fucked up everyday but cartoons don't have this as an excuse. After decades of material and ideas the best shit they can come up with is some fruity ass computer generated robot that turns into an animal, I'll tell you what brothers and sisters, that ain't my Optimus Prime. Why does everything have to be about selling some shitty piece of plastic to some consistently dumbing little birth control slip up. Remember when knowing was half the battle, when He-Man taught us that glass was made of sand and friction? You probably don't but that doesn't matter, what matters is there were messages and shit, not just extra long commercials. And what the fuck is up with Japanese cartoons like Poke mon and Yu gi oh that shit is so retarded that it is probably hurting kids in the long run, how the fuck did this shit get so popular. People are really becoming that stupid, that shit like that flies. Personally I blame it on a multitude of things: Brainwashing t.v., chemicals in the air, fast food, people that get so fat that they can't walk anymore, annoying radio personalities, all the religions especially christianity, public schools, rich people, poor people, the man, anyone considered an heir or heiress, money, capitalism, every single race or ethnicity- even the ones that have not been discovered, corporations, 64 oz. sodas, and a whole grip of other shit. As you well know shit ain't going so well, but it's ok because i'm working on a master plan to save this bitch step 1 is to locate all the mormons (2 year supply of food and water each, easy pickens) I will keep all informed with the progress of the plan.  

4:08 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

A couple choice words and a bunch of not so choice ones= Blog
Current mood: cold

A happy holidays to all whatever your holiday might be. It seems to me that Christmas gets worse and worse every year, not for me personally but in general. Every year it seems to become more of a burden to people or a reminder of bad times. What the fuck is up with that shit, the man has turned a time when people should be happy into a shit storm of stress and depression, I think it's time we gave Christmas the boot. They call it a celebration for Jesus his death or birth I can't remember, but nowadays many christians seem to be judgemental assholes that serve as role models for closemindedness and unhappy living. So why do so many non-Christians celebrate christmas? Obviously it's because it has been ingrained into our society to celebrate it. What we need is a new holiday, one that doesn't have all the general bogusness (you can have that word if you want it), personally I propose a holiday by the name of  "Laziness day", the main gist of this holiday is to get together eat some good food, drink some drink, trade some gifts and be as lazy as possible. It obviously needs some refinement but the idea is on point to possibly enter the realm of holiday legend. It does sound like christmas but it's way better, beats the crap out of hannukah too, probably kwanza also(wtf do people do during kwanza anyway?) I think this holiday needs to take the tree from Christmas also, they don't have any trees in the middle east any way so the tree's up for grabs. What do you think?   

5:32 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Bring on global warming 'cause I'm too damn cold
Current mood: ditzy

Hey all you crazy sons a bitches, one thing I've discovered this winter is that watching My Sweet Sixteen makes me really fuckin iritated. I came across this depressing waste of time during one of my ever so great laying back and watching cable sessions. I've never in my life wanted to smack a ho like I did when I saw this bitch. This is the best example of how not to raise a kid, if I were one her parents I definately would have killed her years ago but unfortunately I'm not so instead I wasted 20 minutes of my life listening to her bitch.God damn that kid is going to be probably the worst human being ever, way worse than Hitler. Any way I've been working in a freezer for the last couple months and going from waking up to being in a cold freezer all day to getting off work when it's dark is really draining. So I have a request that everyone that can write their local politician do so and try to get ephedra brought back. Just because some stupid highschool jock took too much before football and died doesn't mean we all should be punished. For Christ's sake I've been falling asleep at bars on Friday's, that ain't right dammit. Plus it's gotta be the best possible thing for long trip driving, caffiene just don't cut it when you gotta drive 12 hours in a row. Truckers have proved this through years of undocumented research. I hate the FDA, they don't own me, the man's always fuckin with my buisness. We should all get together and boycott some shit flex that muscle, show the man who's the man

6:41 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment