Neil Hamburger on Fox News tonight
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Friends,

If you are a depressed insomniac shut-in, like most of my fans, your Friday night is about to get better! I will be appearing on late night news program "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" on the dreaded Fox News network tonight at 3 AM (Eastern time), which works out to Midnight (Pacific Time). The show airs internationally as well, so wherever you are, whoever you are, you will have a chance to see this show, provided you know how to convert between time zones.

It is an hour-long program and I do not yet know at what point I will appear, though if memory serves, on previous appearances they brought me out a little after the half-way point. But anything is possible, so stock up on plenty of rum, caramel, and insulin...it will be a night to remember!

Your TV Friend,
Neil Hamburger

Currently reading : Communism, hypnotism and the Beatles;: An analysis of the Communist use of music, the Communist master music plan, By David A Noebel

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Country Winners Shows this weekend

Dear Friends,

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I have recently attempted to salvage my career the old-fashioned way...by recording an album of song, despite my lack of qualifications to do so. But the album turned out much better than anyone had a right to expect, and thus, myself, and my Too-Good-For-Neil-Hamburger-Band (Dave Gleason, Atom Ellis, Prairie Prince), will be bringing our 90 minute Revue of jokes and music, to your town, this weekend. (If you happen to live in one of the following towns:)
Fri May 30 - MESA, AZ - Hollywood Alley
Sat May 31 - SAN DIEGO, CA - The Casbah
Sun June 1 - LOS ANGELES, CA - Spaceland

And then, I will head to Michigan for a very special one-off show, without the band, telling a litany of JOKES ONLY guaranteed to bring a smile to the face of at least 25% of attendees:
Thu June 5 - PONTIAC, MI - The Pike Room

Returning to the West Coast (after a long ride stowed away inside the wheel well of a bus), I will reunite with the Country Winners Band to close out our Country Winners Revue Tour, with these glorious dates:
Tue June 10 - VISALIA, CA - The Cellar Door
Wed June 11 - SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Great American Music Hall
Fri June 13 - PORTLAND, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
Sat June 14 - SEATTLE, WA - Sunset Tavern

Finally, there will be one semi-Country Winners show at the tail end, as our drummer Prairie Prince has to depart for a more backstage candy-intensive gig with Todd Rundgren, forcing us to make do with a stripped-down sound, but with a smattering of EXTRA JOKES to make up for the lack of a drum beat:
Sun June 15 - BELLINGHAM, WA - Rogue Hero

If you can possibly attend one of these shows, please do, as we would love to make your acquaintance. If not, F.U.

Your Best Friend In The World,
Neil Hamburger

P.S. To order the new album "Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners", follow this link: http://www.americasfunnyman.com/contact_1.html

Currently reading : How to Stop Heartburn: Simple Ways to Heal Heartburn and Acid Reflux By Anil Minocha

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Joke-writing contest winners!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

After sorting through LITERALLY THOUSANDS of submitted jokes, many of them quite poor, we have selected our winners, of the first annual Write A Joke For Neil Hamburger Contest.

Before I announce the winners, I would like to mention that this was a difficult decision. There were hundreds of terrible jokes, yes, but there were also dozens of quality jokes, that would put Jay Leno's writers to shame. In fact, there were several runner-ups whose jokes I feel, would be a great addition to my set, at least temporarily, and who I would like to extend a PRIZE to as well! Yes, that is correct, we will have MANY WINNERS in this rigged contest!

Using an old discarded Scientology E-METER found in a dumpster behind the Church of Scientology in Hollywood, we measured audience response to many of your jokes last Sunday at Los Angeles' Spaceland nightclub. Based on the documented great response to some (though not all) of these amateur jokewriting efforts, we feel that additional prizes should be awarded to more than just the top 3 entries. And thus, we are awarding 5 PRIZES (personally inscribed copies of the upcoming "Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners" album) to the five amateur jokewriters.

Now for the winners. We will not give the punchlines away here in this bulletin...you'll have to attend one of my many shows and hope that you hear them there, in person! (Or, you'll have to harass the winners, who may or may not be willing to share their handiwork.)

GRAND PRIZE WINNERS:

Why was Martha Stewart so upset to be sentenced to 5 months in prison?
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=241766700

Why did the blonde have trouble driving at night?
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=67498686

Why did Britney Spears become so addicted to cocaine?
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=114999700

What does disgraced rapper Tupac Shakur have in common with Blockbuster film 'Oceans 13'?
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=46944537

Why did Heath Ledger call Mary Kate Olson as he lay dying?
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=5093022

Thank you to all who tried, and failed. Failure is something that I am very familiar with. I hope you are not despondent over this. It is very possible that as inspiration wanes, I may refer back to some of the runners-up, and offer them a prize for the use of their joke at one or more of my many shows. So do not give up hope.

Your $1 Funnyman,
Neil Hamburger

Currently watching : Return to the Blue Lagoon Release date: 07 December, 1992

1:02 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Free preview of new album

Hello again Friends,

On April 21st, Drag City records will release my new album, "Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners".

In the tradition of Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, and Telly Savalas, my management decided it was best for me to "roll the dice" and make an all-singing album. The style of music selected was country and western.

Fortunately, the band assembled to back me up felt strongly that the sound of current country and western music was unacceptable, and we went for more of a classic sound, such as you might have heard in Bakersfield, circa 1970. Some of the lyrics are not acceptable for listening by children under the age of 18 years of age (14 in Denmark; 19 in Arkansas).

Our all-star line-up features musical greats such as Dave Gleason, the "cosmic American music" guitarist; Atom Ellis, from The New Cars, Link Wray's band, and Dieselhed; the angelic voice of Rachel Haden, heard previously with the Rentals, That Dog, and The Sell-Outs; the West Coast's 1 pedal steel player Joe Goldmark; and one of music's all-time greats, drummer Prairie Prince, founding member of The Tubes, and a man whose resume includes stints with George Harrison, John Fogerty, Brian Eno, XTC, Jefferson Starship, and Todd Rundgren...

As time gets closer, we will provide you with ordering information, as this album will be released not only on CD and digital-download formats, but as a limited edition 12" LP record as well.

For those who aren't interested, and would prefer to hear only the Jokes, I have ten other albums out filled to the rafters with side-splitting gags. And there will be plenty of laughs in this music as well, not all of it related to my inability to sing in tune. There will also be many tears shed, at the pain, that is documented, in song.

For those who would like to give this temporary new direction a chance, or who are looking for another chance to freeload, follow the link below for a free sample.

http://www.dragcity.com/mp3/dc363nhaliwp.mp3


Your $1 Funnyman,
Neil Hamburger

Currently reading : To Pay or Not to Pay: Insider Secrets to Beating Credit Card Debt and Creditors By Stanley G. Hilton Release date: December, 2003

11:23 AM - 11 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Joke writing competition

Friends,

The 1st Annual Neil Hamburger Joke Writing Competition will take place this month in Dubai. (You need not be in Dubai to win.) SUBMIT YOUR ORIGINAL JOKES TO NEIL HAMBURGER for the chance to win an INVALUABLE PRIZE BASKET. First prize winner will receive a pre-release, SIGNED copy of Neil Hamburger's upcoming album "Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners", as well as the honor and prestige of having Neil Hamburger himself perform YOUR JOKE at his upcoming show (February 17th) at the world-famous IMPROV in San Jose, California. Second prize winner will receive much less, and the third prize winner, well, they should be ashamed of themselves for not doing better.

Deadline is Wednesday, February 13. Submit your ORIGINAL jokes only! Jokes that are not used will be donated to CARROT TOP. This competition is sponsored by Vacation Timeshares of Louisiana, and is subject to all the rules and restrictions that similar competitions are hampered by.

Submit your jokes via Myspace messages to www.myspace.com/americasfunnyman

This could be your BIG CHANCE to be a behind the scenes, joke-writing SCAB!

******HOORAY FOR COMPETITION*******

Currently reading : The Secret of Skull Mountain (Hardy Boys, Book 27) By Franklin W. Dixon Release date: 01 January, 1948

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Excluded from the holidays

The clerks at the truck stops have been unusually uninterested in saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" to me this year. Meanwhile, Drag City informs me that no presents or cards have arrived for me at their offices. And it looks as though I will be spending Christmas day helping a friend by using buckets to remove 4 feet of flood water out of his basement before the health department comes in and shuts his place down. (He runs a pizza parlor I perform at frequently.) I hope it is better for all the rest of you. The holidays are a good chance to make a resolution for the coming year. Consider excluding sugary soft drinks from your diet before diabetes rains down on you.

Last week I recorded a new album in San Francisco. We hope to have it on the shelves by springtime. It is a most unusual recording and I do feel that the true fans will be satisfied. On the flipside, the freeloaders will continue to whine and nag and offer up nothing in return.

Your $1 Funnyman,
Neil Hamburger

Currently reading : Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You By Deborah Norville Release date: 02 October, 2007

1:30 AM - 23 Comments - 33 Kudos - Add Comment

Help Wanted

Does anyone out there have any expertise putting back together a car that has fallen apart? I'm looking for someone to fix that, and also someone to repair moth-holes in a tuxedo. And finally, I need a technician skilled in repairing a leaking inflatable mattress (multiple leaks).

I can't pay money, but I can offer an on-stage "thank you" at my next show, and a wet trashbag full of various band demo CDs and cassettes.

Gratefully,
Neil Hamburger

2:52 PM - 21 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Haiku

A failed career
The laughter dried no one's tears
Fate has kept me poor

-Neil Hamburger

Currently reading : Pumping Insulin: Everything You Need For Success On A Smart Insulin Pump By John Walsh Release date: 30 July, 2006

1:41 AM - 20 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Simply awful

Folks,

If you are finding this summer to be very, very painful, perhaps I can help.

I will be bringing my jokes to selected towns in the American South next week, on a gala tour that pairs me up with Australia's youngest magician, Dr. El Suavo.

Before catching the Greyhound bus to Nashville, I will be making appearance on that haven for freeloaders, the internet's one and only "Tom Green Live" program, this Monday night.

Here are the dates, which you can clip out of your computer screen using a glass cutter, and affix to your refrigerator:

Mon Jun 18 - www.tomgreen.com - "Tom Green Live"
Thu Jun 21 - NASHVILLE, TN - The End
Fri Jun 22 - COLUMBIA, SC - The Whig
Sat Jun 23 - ATLANTA, GA - Drunken Unicorn
Sun Jun 24 - MOBILE, AL - Cell Block
Mon Jun 25 - OXFORD, MS - The Jubilee
Tue Jun 26 - MEMPHIS, TN - Hi-Tone
Wed Jun 27 - ATHENS, GA - Tasty World
Sun Jul 8 - LOS ANGELES, CA - Spaceland

Finally, for those of you who have decided that leaving the house is unacceptable, we have prepared a program of my latest jokes as recorded on-stage opening for Tenacious D, and assembled them all together on the "live and in-person" collectors edition CD, HOT FEBRUARY NIGHT, which is not being sold in any stores. This CD is available to anyone with a heart, who wishes to spend $12.00, INCLUDING POSTAGE, to any address, anywhere in the WORLD.

In order to buy it, simply visit the Unofficial Neil Hamburger Website located at http://www.americasfunnyman.com, and click on the ugly white button that says "Buy Now", located somewhere on the left-hand side of the page.

We thank you for your patience in slogging through this dreary sales pitch disguised as an informational bulletin.

Your $1 Funnyman,
Neil Hamburger

Currently reading : The 2007-2012 Outlook for Dry Cleaning and Laundry Services Excluding Coin-Operated Services in India By Philip M. Parker Release date: 14 October, 2006

5:37 PM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Fox News, tonight, May 30

For those of you who are tired of staring at a blank wall:

Improbably, I will be back on the Fox News network tonight, appearing on the popular "Red Eye" TV program, which airs at 2 am Eastern/11 pm Pacific/etc.

This show airs on Fox News nationally and internationally (Australia and New Zealand take note!) but I can't convert the air-times for you, because my egg timer was stolen after a show last month in Blythe, California.

I will be on the hour-long show for about 5 minutes, discussing a variety of trivial topics, probably sometime around the half-way point.

Shut-ins, hotel dwellers, and cable TV addicts should all make sure that your schedule is clear so that you do not miss this television event, tonight!

Your $1 Friend,
Neil Hamburger

12:55 AM - 10 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment