If you’ve been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 facts about yourself and then pick 10 of your friends and leave them a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
10 Facts about me...
10. I have the best job I’ve ever had
9. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I DO have are amazing
8. Growing up I lived on many acres, and would go sing in the "back 40" by myself almost every night.
7. I have a daughter
6. I have a son
5. I plan on getting a degree in photography
4. I want to be a computer engineer one day.
3. I don’t want pets. ever.
2. Being a parent is intense.
1. Being a photographer makes me happier than anything else in the world (well, other than being a parent).
I’m tagging SA, Heather, Audrey, Celia, Karen, Kit, draggie, Laura, Miranda and Lana
Currently
listening
:
God Shuffled His Feet
By
Crash Test Dummies
Release date: 26 October, 1993
I have recently begun reading the Deus Ex Malcontent blog, and I say it doesn’t suck. This guy’s sense of humor and writing style are very, very entertaining.
A few days ago, the weekend Today show upped the ante in the news media’s ongoing competition to find the most imaginative way to scare the hell out of you for no good reason. The show did a segment on a dangerous new condition supposedly rearing its ugly head on America’s college campuses:
Drunkorexia.
According to a visibly shaken Amy Robach, the "disease" affects mostly young women -- leading them to skip meals during the day as a means of conserving calories so that they can spend their nights indulging in guilt-free drinking. For years you’ve known women who do this sort of thing by their more common name: "One Night Stands." But apparently what looks to the untrained eye like your average stupid drunk chick is in reality a sick little lamb crying out for help; lest you doubt this assessment, Today even brought in a camera-ready psychologist to attest to the breadth of the pandemic.
Which means you can now count the days until commercials for "Vodkalax, the only FDA-greased medication for the treatment of drunkorexia" begin popping up all over prime time TV.
So with that in mind -- the fear-mongering media’s disease addiction as a potential platform from which to make a name for myself -- I offer up a few new combo-conditions sure to capture the attention of an already terrified nation.
All of these are real, because I said so, and all are very, very dangerous.
1. Restless Erectile Misfortune
Facts: Painful condition characterized by inability to deny desire for sexual gratification, often leading to regular placement of penis into precarious situations with little regard for consequences. Inevitable outcome includes career suicide, loss of family, respect, status, 401k, the eternal gratitude of late-night comedy writers.
Treatment: taser belt, venereal disease, opposition congress
See: Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart
Immune: Frenchmen
2. Osamnia
Facts: Severe anxiety disorder which manifests itself in irrational fear of potential terrorist attacks, leading to lack of sleep (news media excluded), loss of appetite, election of GOP candidates and willingness to believe that a 3AM phone call to Barack Obama will start a chain reaction that will end in the deaths of your children.
Treatment: Capturing Osama bin Laden would be a start.
See: Kansas
Immune: anyone with an IQ above that of a lamp shade
3. Cynic Fibrosis (Carlin’s Disease)
Facts: Highly contagious condition typically found among elderly men; manifests itself in random outbursts of bitter indignation, extended rants regarding personal solutions to global problems, outright dismissal of anyone under the age of 40, dinner table dissertations on time spent "fighting Jerry," threats of physical violence if neighborhood kids don’t get off lawn.
Treatment: Let nature take its course.
See: your grandfather
Immune: no one ("Just you wait til you’re my age sonny!")
4. "Santos" Intolerance
Facts: Severe anxiety disorder characterized by constant and irrational fear of Mexicans, often leading to ludicrous demagoguery, fascist rhetoric, nightly CNN show. Inevitable outcome may include mysterious unsolved death by lawn-care tools.
Treatment: low ratings, sudden emergence of half-Mexican child with large orange head, righteous hand of God
See: Lou Dobbs, Tom Tancredo
Immune: around 44.3 million Americans
5. Bushlemia
Facts: Sometimes diagnosed as "Bush Derangement Syndrome" (in red states only), painful and debilitating disease characterized by uncontrollable urge to vomit profusely in reaction to voice, sight, or mere mention of George W. Bush. If left untreated, illness can lead to thoughts of suicide, relocation to Canada, terminal cocktail party conversations with irritating New York pseudo-intellectuals, enrollment in Screen Actor’s Guild.
Treatment: conversation with Dick Cheney in which he uses "the dark side of the force," waterboarding
Immune: NASCAR ticket-holders, Jack Abramoff, Jesus
(A Note to the Media: Remember that I am the official expert on each of these diseases, therefore I expect to be called upon to participate in any on-air discussion involving one or all of them. I’ll be waiting for your call Today show.)
No, seriously. it's a stupid, stupid thing to do. It's stupid when you don't have to work in the AM. but when you do have to work, it transcends stupidity.
I dedicate this joke to.. .. (hahaha like I'm going to say who.. but you know who, don't you. Just don't post it, mmmk?)
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
I mean.. pay for daycare, pay for rent.. with a little left over for gas and food.
Well. Uncle Sam paid today.. so now I get to get my glasses. That's right, I'm old and I'm going blind. But NOW I'll be able to use my new 1.8 lens for my camera. WOO.
Oh, and I'll not get headaches at work anymore. And I'll be able to actually read the street signs.
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.
Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
..>
Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
..>
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.
Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.
Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.
Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism
Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.
artistic
